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Choking

LegacyUser

This is a legitimate question, not a troll.

Relatively new partner has 'introduced' choking into our sex life. Hasn't pushed it or been insistent about it. I'm thinking wtf? I'm a bit put off by it. I don't know am I being a prude or not as I haven't experienced it at all before.
I've had multiple previous sexual partners and a couple of long term relationships. Only added this bit as I think its relevant in so far as I've never experienced it from anyone before and would like someone else's perspective..

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seannash

tara73 wrote: »

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner who likes this. I find it scary and off putting. What's the pleasure he gets from it, did you ask him? It seems you didn't discuss it very much, you just accepted to do what he likes.

Is it the sensation he gets from the constriction of the airways or is it the power he has over you? If it's the latter I find it even more concerning.

It's very very common, some people particularly like it when they are close to climax.
As for the asking, well sex with a new partner is an exploration. It would be very very boring to stop and check about every single thing instead of going along with what feels right to both people.
Obviously if someone says no or stop then that what has to happen but how do people know what they like if they don't try it.
I've done it on partners, I don't get anything out of it other than they get enjoyment out of it so I do it for their pleasure.
How do you know if someone likes some spanking during sex? A few light tips and gauge the reaction? It's the same with this, you don't just start choking, you place you hand on their neck to begin with and see if it's encouraged or not.

Road-Hog

The name graham Dwyer comes to mind when reading about this kind of stuff....

SaltSweatSugar

Road-Hog wrote: »

The name graham Dwyer comes to mind when reading about this kind of stuff....

Why? Not everyone who is into it is a murderer.

leggo

Scarinae wrote: »

I have no advice on the choking question, but just wanted to respond to this. If you’re uncomfortable with the level of detail then he should respect that, it doesn’t matter what his previous girlfriends thought about it! Why does he feel the need to keep talking about this stuff?

I went out with a guy who was always talking about his exes, and there was one in particular who (in retrospect) he clearly wasn’t over. I told him so many times that I didn’t want to hear anything more about his sex life with her and I’d get responses like “You just have a problem with me having a past!” and “Nobody else has ever had a problem with this!”

Now I have a fiancé who has had sex with a lot of people before me but doesn’t get misty eyed recalling the times they ****ed. I have wondered if my ex is now telling new partners about me – but that’s outside of my control.

Yeah I'd pretty much agree with all of this. There's a certain scope for talking about your past, I like to learn the general gist because it gives you a sense for who they are (off-topic pro tip: always ask how they broke up with people, that tends to be a routine people stick to!) But talking about sex is a no-no. You can't do it with anyone without getting some kind of an image, and it's not nice to think of your partner with someone else, simple as. I remember an ex and I could chat comfortably like best friends and this stuff would come up because we'd just chat with all filters off, but eventually we drew a line because it upset both of us after the fact.

It's not normal to do so and he's gaslighting you there or needs to learn what normal is, and on top of that it's disrespectful if he continues to do so once you've said it bothers you.

tara73

seannash wrote: »

It's very very common, some people particularly like it when they are close to climax.
As for the asking, well sex with a new partner is an exploration. It would be very very boring to stop and check about every single thing instead of going along with what feels right to both people.
Obviously if someone says no or stop then that what has to happen but how do people know what they like if they don't try it.
I've done it on partners, I don't get anything out of it other than they get enjoyment out of it so I do it for their pleasure.
How do you know if someone likes some spanking during sex? A few light tips and gauge the reaction? It's the same with this, you don't just start choking, you place you hand on their neck to begin with and see if it's encouraged or not.

no, no, triple no. how about asking the person beforehand, getting their agreement, i.e. not getting their agreement? that's how it should be handled, not testing it without asking first!

OP, I get the impression you're not stable with what you want or can accept for yourself. And I have the impression your partner senses this and is the respectless type, imposing stuff on you without looking for consent. first the detailing reports about his past sex life. I mean, wtf? did he asked you beforehand whether you are comfortable with hearing it or whether you are intereted in it? obviously not. he just blurted it out?

now the sex/choking story which he quite frankly imposed on you without consent.

honestly, I don't think there's much more to ananlyse, I think this person is a dodgy one and I would get rid. but when people advise you in this direction you make excuses. so I'm asking myself what do you want to get from this thread? listen to the advice or making excuses whenever somebody questions the actions of your partner?

Red Lightning

A number of women have told me they like getting choked. I'm not into it but I'd happily do it for them as long as I didn't really hurt them.
If a guy is saying that he wants to choke a woman then it would raise a few red flags.
Difference in someone saying they like to be choked and wanting to choke someone.

Qrt

Red Lightning wrote: »

A number of women has told me they like getting choked. I'm not into it but I'd happily do it for them as long as I didn't really hurt them.
If a guy is saying that he wants to choke a woman then it would raise a few red flags.
Difference in someone saying they like to be choked and wanting to choke someone.

True, I’m looking at it through an MSM perspective. Very different dynamics re: sex

seannash

I realised I haven't responded to the op.
Chances are he isn't into it but might be thinking he is introducing you to something new or that you might be into it.
Have a chat and see. I'd be willing to be he's not the sexual deviant some are among him out to be

wiggle16

Mod note:

Not all men are rapists [...]
Stop virtue signalling

Enough of this.

The OP posted here looking for advice about an issue - this is not an opportunity to manufacture an argument or discussion about consent.

A number of off-topic posts and the replies to those posts have been deleted as they offered nothing to the OP - you should either have advice for and addressed to the OP, or you shouldn't post at all.

Thanks.

SaltSweatSugar

OP you’re not being a prude. A lot of people wouldn’t be into choking. If you don’t like it you need to be completely honest with your partner, as it’s something that can actually seriously physically harm you. But if you do want to try it or anything else, it’s very important to have a discussion about boundaries and limits beforehand.

As someone else said, there are genuine physiological reasons why people enjoy it, but it really depends on the person. For me I’ve only ever done some very very light pressure with one person, who I cared deeply about and trusted completely with my safety. His sheer size and strength was one of his physical traits I found most attractive about him. I have a rather authoritative and domineering job, so it’s a turn on for me to take a bit of a more submissive role sometimes (not always). But again, it would seriously depend on the relationship and the person. And if they weren’t into it, I wouldn’t push it.

I’d also be a bit peeved if a partner went into great detail about their past sex lives with past partners. Everyone has a past sure but there’s no real need to go into that much detail.

Emme

OP if you don't like don't do it. If he insists and you don't want it then walk.

If you both like it then educate yourselves on it to make sure you're doing it properly and safely.

Neyite

vive wrote: »

I think a lot of it could do with hearing about exes, which I really don't like. I know it's none of my business what went on before me but it does make me jealous having to hear about various sex stories. So I guess I'm just not sure if it's something I don't actually like or if it's jealousy and anger at someone leaving a mark on my partner.

This to me is disrespectful of them. What happens between a couple is private to them. When you are no longer in that couple, in my opinion, you should stfu about details. The only ex of mine that did this was someone who was always trying to push boundaries in that area, I think he was trying to create a competitive thing where I would do something because he said his ex did it. Didn't work but it felt pressurised regardless.

If they are stoking jealousy or telling you stuff you've told them you don't want to listen to then they are ignoring your feelings - and nice partners don't do that. Why are they telling you all this when they know you don't want to hear it? What's their motivation? To upset you or make you insecure or to make you feel you have to do X because their ex did? None of those are nice behaviours from someone who is supposed to care about you.

ILoveYourVibes

vive wrote: »

You see they have no issue at all about hearing anything from the past so, I guess, assumed I didn't mind either. This all happened at the beginning and to be fair I haven't
heard anything like it since those first few weeks. The thing is that now I know all of this information about them and sometimes drive myself a bit crazy thinking about it, people they slept with, what they did together, names, how many, who they were etc. One particular person is a bit high profile so sometimes see them on various news reports and I'm like 'ugh another name, another face' kind of thing. I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

There is no issue with telling them what I am comfortable with or not.

Sounds like this is really coming between you two guys.

Dog Man Star

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

Rosepetals85

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.[/quote]

That’s abit extreme getting rid of him. All she has to say is sorry not into that. As a women myself, I enjoy a hand around my neck.

blarb

You're not a prude OP. If it's something that doesn't interest you or that you feel uncomfortable with that is fair enough.

I think all the immediate "get rid" posts are a bit of an overreaction, as long as you are not being coerced into doing something you don't like, and as long as you feel respected by your partner.

I'll admit an ex's hand was grabbing me close to my neck before and I liked it (I'm a woman if it makes any difference), but was too shy to see if he was up for exploring it a bit

But I wouldn't judge a partner for not wanting to do it, each to their own!

SaltSweatSugar

Dog Man Star wrote: »

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

You’re not into it, that’s fine. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Women aren’t fragile little flowers that just want hugs. I’m a woman, and while I love cuddles and hugs and tenderness, I also love a good hard fu(k.

The OP has every right to be put off by it, or not. It’s an individual thing and hopefully her partner will respect her feelings and wishes. And if he doesn’t, maybe then she might need to reassess the relationship.

Hal3000

Dog Man Star wrote: »

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

Why would someone get off on choking another person? Power trip? Lack of authority? Low self esteem? Absloute nutcase perhaps?

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe they just like the frisson of danger or being dominated? Who knows? People have all sorts of quirks and if being choked to a greater or lesser extent is their bag, that's fine. Just like there are people who like anal, threesomes, bondage etc. We don't know the half of what goes on in bedrooms around the country.

From the OP's point of view, I get the impression that this is about more than just the choking though. And that's why I asked the question about whether this is the right relationship for them. They shouldn't have to be listening to what their partner did with their exes and being told that they're wrong to have an issue with it. Perhaps our OP and their partner are not as compatible as they think.

Edit: I'm writing the above as someone who would freak if anybody went near my neck for anything other than an auld nuzzle

. I can't even cope with clothing, hairdressers gowns etc. being too close to my neck and enclosing it. It's just the way I am and that's why choking is a red line for me as an individual. But I wouldn't go down the route of suggesting that the person doing the choking is the next Graham Dwyer. We need nuance here. It's a preference and perfectly fine between consenting adults.

Rosepetals85

Hal3000 wrote: »

Why would someone get off on choking another person? Power trip? Lack of authority? Low self esteem? Absloute nutcase perhaps?

Some people like to be dominated in bed. Low self esteem - hardly, I’m far from a nutcase. I just don’t like run of the mill, mundane sex.

osarusan

People can do whatever they want as long as its mutual.

In this case the mutual desire for it wasn't there, and to be fair to the OP's partner, once the OP made their lack of interest clear (even if they were willing to do it if their partner wanted it), they seem to have respected that and moved on from it themselves.

Neyite

It's irreverent whether people who reply to the OP like it or doesn't like it.

The op doesn't like it and isn't comfortable with it and that's all that matters.

leggo

Hal3000 wrote: »

Why would someone get off on choking another person? Power trip? Lack of authority? Low self esteem? Absloute nutcase perhaps?

Lads you’re just making yourselves sound very vanilla in bed with this line of thinking tbh. Though “I’m sure you’d like a hug” from the other lad cracked me up, I have to say. It doesn’t matter why he likes choking, the reality is that some do and some don’t. The OP doesn’t, but the more pressing concern is he’s comparing her unfavourably to his exes. So maybe focus on that rather than “Is this guy on a power trip?? Would you not like a hug?” :pac:

B0jangles

I don't think it's at all fair to compare choking to other forms of mild sexplay like spanking or light bondage - it's genuinely dangerous if not done very carefully.

OP, this would really worry me:

I've asked about the amount of pressure to be applied as I've no experience in it and I'm worried about applying too much. I would "get a feel of it" apparently.

That's very irresponsible IMO - choking done wrong can kill or seriously injure very quickly and very easily. That is not something to be done without any knowledge of the safest way to do it. Have all the fun you want, but for heaven's sake, play safely.

heretochat

I would urge caution here as well OP given your lack of experience in this area. Your OH appears to have not substantial experience either. A bit of research together might be the way to go?

I don't think it is fair as an aside to paint the OH as some deranged weirdo who should be got rid of.

We don't know how he would react if OP told him she wasn't comfortable.

Different strokes for different folks in the area of sex after all. One person's pleasure is another's poison etc.

OP do what you are comfortable with and once everything is safe and consensual it is no-one else's business/.

Road-Hog

heretochat wrote: »

I would urge caution here as well OP given your lack of experience in this area. Your OH appears to have not substantial experience either. A bit of research together might be the way to go?

I don't think it is fair as an aside to paint the OH as some deranged weirdo who should be got rid of.

We don't know how he would react if OP told him she wasn't comfortable.

Different strokes for different folks in the area of sex after all. One person's pleasure is another's poison etc.

OP do what you are comfortable with and once everything is safe and consensual it is no-one else's business/.

Is it not a bit like being in the passenger seat of a car with a wreckless driver at the wheel.....?

Rosepetals85

If he is into that type of sex and you are uncomfortable with the hand around your throat, maybe a bit of hair pulling or a slap on the arse. It’s still be dominated but to the less extreme.

In regards to him discussing what he got up to with his ex, I’d be furious as this is making you feel insecure which I would myself. Tell him, if he dares mention the ex again he might as well go back to her and that you won’t tolerate that type of BS off him.

Panthro

Him telling you about his sex life with his ex was a dick move. He did it in the hope you'd think "OK I'd better do that too". He's playing on insecurity.

If he keeps that shyte up tell him to do one.

And if you're not comfortable with choking tell him bluntly you don't like the idea, and to stop going on about it or the only thing he'll be choking his own chicken for the foreseeable.

Is he worth the hassle.

ILoveYourVibes

vive wrote: »

For us to choke each other. I've asked about the amount of pressure to be applied as I've no experience in it and I'm worried about applying too much. I would "get a feel of it" apparently. I didn't, so asked to be guided. They did and it didn't feel like it was that much pressure. On the other hand I've been told about someone else who left bruising on them. The amount of choking pressure I was shown to apply would not leave a mark so I'm a bit confused as to how much they actually want.
I'm not entirely sure what puts me off about it. I just don't get it I guess but I don't want my partner feeling as if they're missing out on something. It's something I've initiated a couple of times recently and they've stopped it.
I think a lot of it could do with hearing about exes, which I really don't like. I know it's none of my business what went on before me but it does make me jealous having to hear about various sex stories. So I guess I'm just not sure if it's something I don't actually like or if it's jealousy and anger at someone leaving a mark on my partner.

Hi OP.

It seems to me like your partner sabotaged his intimacy with you unknowingly with that conversation.

It's left you feeling very separate from him.

It would seem to me that might need to be repaired before you think about anything else for the sake of your relationship.

Maybe take a break from sex for a week or two spend time doing OTHER things talking etc.

Someone leaving a mark on your partner etc that is just an illusion. Is there a mark there now? Maybe you feel psychologically there is. This is kind of another illusion though. Often one the person themselves feels about their ex. That person left a mark on their soul etc. But its just a mindset. It's a belief that is all.

You currently have this belief about your partner. That will fade.

I would suggest since you haven't really had these thoughts or urges to go down this route before its not something you yourself would be into.

You would know if this was something you liked.

If your BF is too immature (and he sounds it) to take it seriously then don't play this game with him.

He honestly doesn't sound like a dominant man yet. He just might like the idea of it.

And finally you don't need an excuse to not like it. You dont need a reason. If you are unsure then in reality you don't like it.

And it's really NOT worth being with him. And its so not worth getting hurt over physically or emotionally.

Sex any kind of sex etc should lift you up physically and emotionally. That includes BDSM.

If you decide to try this however. Be very comfortable and sure your feelings are that you know you will enjoy this. And PLEASE CHOKE SAFELY ! :P

Do some research. You can't put pressure on the windpipe etc. Be gentle.

Good luck and be happy with whatever decision you make

LegacyUser

OP here,
Ok I need to clarify a few things.
Firstly, I'm the man in the relationship. I was just curious to see how many people had experienced this as I never had. I don't really get the whole thing and explained this to my gf. That's when it came up about an ex who left her bruised after doing it "too hard" I guess it's down to jealousy really.

Secondly my gf is amazing. She's really great. I honestly don't think she meant it in any bad way when she was telling me this stuff. It's just irrelevant to her and she probably thought it wouldn't bother me either.

I am a bit angry at her for telling me all this stuff though and it has created problems (arguments/questions). I realise that she has a past, no more than myself but it's all of the gory details that I have an issue with. I've had all those conversations with past girlfriends but there were no intimate details. It's strange as there is no issue regarding jealousy in our day to day life but I do get quite jealous hearing about past boyfriend's, in detail. Tbf there's nothing said about that sort of stuff anymore. A few funny stories about day to day stuff, which I've no problem with. It's all in the details I guess.

There were texts and snaps, from her 'exes' for quite a while into our relationship and this has probably made me insecure too. She says she didn't reply to these people but I wouldn't be texting anyone for months with no reply. One or two messages with no reply and that would be it for me. Maybe it happens though?

I do trust her and everything but all of this unwanted information has just wrecked my head.
I need to just find a way to let all of this bull****, in my head, go and get over it. I'm fed up of thinking about it now.
Guess this is a way to vent/jot things down..
Thanks