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Frugal Mother

Ravenhood

My mother lives alone since the death of my father. It's an old two story house about 120 years old.

Over the years she has gone very tight with money. Not with the family, but herself. Ironically she brought herself a new jeep just this year, but this is the crazy exception.

Once she started living by herself, with her agreement, we put in lights, alarms, new doors, windows. This all helped by grants. Once the monitoring service was charged she had it removed. That's fair enough, it's her decision.

She suffers badly from arthritis and won't put on any heat in the house. At night the house is mostly is darkness as she won't leave on the lights. She will only put on a fire in the afternoon to spare turf. It's no joke, but the house is freezing. I've stopped bringing the kids down as it's so cold. Visits are done with full jackets on.

She's now removed the landline as it was costing money. The mobile phone coverage is so bad that I might get through after ringing her 30 times.

She won't spend money on her meals as they use a lot of gas to cook it !!!

When I talk to her about it she is defensive and annoyed at me. She talks about how difficult it is getting up, how cold the house etc. How miserable the arthritis is.

I've spoken to her about moving her bedroom downstairs, which she blankly refused.

I'm worried that she'll fall down the stairs in the dark and would be lying there helpless. If i do anything to help she pays me which I refuse. She wants to keep money for when she's dead !!!!

I'm at my wits end, any suggestions what I can do? I'm respectful of her feelings but this is wearing me out.

Thanks

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LegacyUser

Hi Ravenhood,

Perhaps your mother is struggling financially. There is no longer 2 pensions coming into the household (of course I am assuming here that both your parents had/have a pension) and does not have the money to pay to heat such a large house/other bills. Your mother may not realise the problem with only having a mobile available in a coverage poor area. Is your mother physically well abled, or is she slightly frail where a fall may occur easily? This is health risk if she is living at home by herself. I know you said she shuts down these sort of conversations but this is actually a pretty dangerous situation and she perhaps need more than just you, calmly explaining what it would mean if she falls and cannot reach her mobile/it dies/the lack of coverage means she cannot get through to you, other family, neighbours, the emergency services etc.

Maybe control over the heating was something your father did and your mother is just not used to or does not want to purchase/put on heating. Perhaps you and your siblings could put some cash aside each to pay for oil/gas/whatever it is that heats your others house and get some for her.

If your mother is not coping well, which it sounds like she s not, is it an option for you and your family members, or other siblings of yours to move in her house temporarily. Perhaps ensuring there is always oil/gas available to be put on, reinstalling the landline. Maybe suggesting a stair lift if she refuses to move down stairs. As awful as it sounds, if it is already an issue having a bedroom upstairs, she is only getting older and access/ability to reach the bedroom is only going to get more difficult over time. If this is not possible would you or one of your siblings be willing to have your mother move in with one of you so at least it can be made sure that she does not come to harm, or help is immediately available if she does. As a last resort I would consider a nursing home, you are obviously very worried about your mother. I do not know what sort of physical state your mother is in, but it sounds like she is not coping too well and even what measures she can take to keep herself well she is not taking. If she is a risk to herself in this regard, you may not have a choice. But I would first see about the financial side of things first. She may be reluctant to admit she is struggling, and it does not sound like she is overtly frail if she is still capable of driving (a jeep of all things as well).

I would consider your siblings your mother and you all sitting down where they and you discuss how concerned they are over your mother and how they and you would fee more at ease knowing if she is warm, safe, etc. Your mother sounds like one of those self-sacrificial dont worry about me types given she wont put on the heat despite being cold s owning up to any struggle may be something she is reluctant to do. If you make it sound like these measure are for you and your family benefit to keep your minds at ease she may perhaps be more willing to undertake these measures.

Ravenhood

Thanks for the detailed response. My mum is incredibly strong minded and independent. She receives two pensions and often shows me her bank balance which is very healthy. She likes giving money to my sister and gets a kick from having a certain balance.

She was like this when we were growing up too, it's just the behaviour got progressively worse.

Yes she is frail. She's had a stroke. Living there is not an option we don't have a great relationship so there is only so much I can push.

[Deleted User]

Could you check if any of the other mobile companies have better coverage? You could switch keeping her number.
It could just be the house though - thick walls in an old house might be a problem.

Panthro

Would downsizing be an option?
A newer 2bed that's good insulation would be much cheaper to run.

Purple Mountain

Could you look into getting a home help for her?
She might respond better to a stranger helping her.
Someone to come in and light the fire, cook the meal and maybe have gentle persuasions with her about maintaining the heat in the house during the day and keeping the lights on.

Fakediamond

My friends elderly mother responded much better to the advice of a public health nurse than she did her own family. The PHN persuaded her to move downstairs to avoid falls. Sadly, she did fall eventually and is now in a nursing home as the family could no longer meet all of her care needs.

Sadly, your mother’s situation is all too common with elderly people. It sounds like you’re doing your very best by her, which is all you can do. As long as she is of sound mind, she can decide to be cold/unsafe/hungry until something happens that forces change. You might just have to accept that and just help out when you’re asked/allowed.

Sorry about that

Hi Ravenhood. Your mother is very lucky to have you around, worrying about her and checking regularly. You would be surprised at how much this is already helping her; there are many elderly people who have no family checking in, and they'd give a limb to have someone like you.

I agree with the above poster who suggested getting the PHN on board, but it does come down to your mother's free will. For what it's worth, it's not unusual behaviour at all in an elderly person. You'd often see this type and more extreme frugality in older people.

Distressing for you, but don't underestimate a) the importance of control for your mother, and b) how much you're already doing for her by showing up. Good luck.

Dark Phoenix

Ive a family member who has money left from a spouse, gets pension, gets a payment from her kids and rental income from a second property. They lament constantly about the cost of things its painful to listen to - I am convinced they want to have a diamond studded coffin or to be buried with money.

The only thing I could suggest with your mum is an intervention where yourself and siblings sit down with her and calmly state you are worried about her and that she is neglecting herself due to obsessing about money and that she has plenty of money to afford to cook and to heat her home. maybe offer to help her do up a budget if shes terrified of running out of money. Aside from that maybe suggest home help if she still wont change her ways.

Sardonicat

OP, you day she has always been frugal but has started to spiral in recent years. Given her age, do you think there is a possibility that these behaviours could be the start of dementia? Without a doubt get onto the Public Health Nurse. A cognitive assessment would do not harm at all. The result of that will help you when making decisions about her longterm care. This issue isn't going to go away.

Ravenhood

Thanks everyone for taking the time is read and reply. I had a chat to me mum about options and she said no basically but thanks for thinking of her. She said she is "too tight" to make any changes. I know there is a part of me that needs to just accept her behaviour and it's not a big departure from what she had always been like. Unfortunately she might see things differently if she has a fall.

I will follow up with the other suggestions. I will buy her a signal booster for the house, it might help.

Graces7

Ravenhood wrote: »

Thanks everyone for taking the time is read and reply. I had a chat to me mum about options and she said no basically but thanks for thinking of her. She said she is "too tight" to make any changes. I know there is a part of me that needs to just accept her behaviour and it's not a big departure from what she had always been like. Unfortunately she might see things differently if she has a fall.

I will follow up with the other suggestions. I will buy her a signal booster for the house, it might help.

Being of your mother;s generation here I understand her choices. \we were raised to be very very careful . and it stays with you all your life.

I think though that a visit from the public health nurse would be a safeguard. she will be very experienced with ladies of this generation and may get better results without risking alienating and polarising as you might? and will be able to set your mind at rest.

might she also accept an alarm phone?

as your mother has had a stroke, does she see the doctor routinely? for her arthritis too? they can assess more easily .

Graces7

Ravenhood wrote: »

My mother lives alone since the death of my father. It's an old two story house about 120 years old.

Over the years she has gone very tight with money. Not with the family, but herself. Ironically she brought herself a new jeep just this year, but this is the crazy exception.

Once she started living by herself, with her agreement, we put in lights, alarms, new doors, windows. This all helped by grants. Once the monitoring service was charged she had it removed. That's fair enough, it's her decision.

She suffers badly from arthritis and won't put on any heat in the house. At night the house is mostly is darkness as she won't leave on the lights. She will only put on a fire in the afternoon to spare turf. It's no joke, but the house is freezing. I've stopped bringing the kids down as it's so cold. Visits are done with full jackets on.

She's now removed the landline as it was costing money. The mobile phone coverage is so bad that I might get through after ringing her 30 times.

She won't spend money on her meals as they use a lot of gas to cook it !!!

When I talk to her about it she is defensive and annoyed at me. She talks about how difficult it is getting up, how cold the house etc. How miserable the arthritis is.

I've spoken to her about moving her bedroom downstairs, which she blankly refused.

I'm worried that she'll fall down the stairs in the dark and would be lying there helpless. If i do anything to help she pays me which I refuse. She wants to keep money for when she's dead !!!!

I'm at my wits end, any suggestions what I can do? I'm respectful of her feelings but this is wearing me out.

Thanks

we talked about this, myself and an equally aged friend of your mother's generation and lifestyle.

we could probably out-frugal your mother...e/g I ditched the landline as it is a rip off and do not switch my cell phone on except to make calls. My choice as it is hers

and that is what this is. Her choices for her lifestyle, freely made and with her chosen use of her money.
You would hate living like that and you would feel cold and hungry but assuring you that our generation lived and feel differently.
we grew up with little heating and being ultra careful with it and with food etc, and we survived and more than survived
also she is staying independent and active as long as she can? serious and disabling old age will come soon enough

Lost count of the times folk assured me I would be happier in sheltered accommodation. as i tell them. put me in a centrally heated bungalow near the shops and I would be dead in a fortnight.
Thankfully my family believe and trust me on my lifesttyle and as you have said you need to accept her choices and just keep a very quiet weather eye on her?

if you need to wear a jacket when visiting? OK! I have visited old folk and needed to do that. Their house, their money, their ruling. Not a great hardship

Oh and we cheered re the Jeep! I wish! I have yearned for one of those.

Seriously, just care and respect how she chooses to live? The more you comment the more entrenched she will become
when and if she needs help, she knows where you are and that you care? Just quiet caring is all she needs just now, no fuss .

That is what really matters. Bless you for caring as you do.

washiskin

I'm sorry you feel distressed and I can fully understand both sides here, having a determined Mum who lives alone. I'm not sure if it will be of any help, but the SEAI have grants available for upgrading heating and insulation.....maybe if she knows that there is a bit of help available she might go for it.