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I think my boyfriend is embarrassed to be with me..

Laylac

I’m not sure what to think. So we’ve been together 2 years. I don’t want to give away too many personal details but we’re in our 20s. Basically it seems he hides/ excludes me from his life and I can’t figure out why. I’ve met his family and we’re very close but I’ve never met any of his friends.

The only reason people know we are together is if people see us together and they have asked him who am I. Or his Mam loves to tell everyone that I’m his girlfriend, she seems to be proud whereas my own boyfriend isn’t proud to be with me. He has told me if people ask if he’s got a girlfriend he does tell them but otherwise he doesn’t say anything. On his social media there’s no mention of me. No pictures of me. We don’t even have a picture together. You could look at his social media and think he’s single. He doesn’t use Facebook but all the other social media accounts. It has got to the point where I’m thinking he’s ashamed to be with me and I’ve never felt so low. He goes out to the pub a lot and I’m never invited because it’s fellas only.

It’s got to the point where we don’t even go on dates anymore. I’ve asked him can we go out or do this and he always says yeah we will but it never happens. It’s like I’m talking to the wall. It’s like I’m the only person he refuses to do anything with and I can’t understand why.

I know he was invited to a wedding, which is in 3 weeks and he hasn’t mentioned it to me so I assume I’m not invited. I’ve no idea if he got a plus one or not but the friend who is inviting him to the wedding I’m sure he probably doesn’t know I exist. Other couples that were invited got invited both by name. And I don’t even exist. So now I’m worried about him going to that wedding as a “single man” which is what everyone is going to think when he turns up by himself, that he’s going to cheat on me.

He’s always saying how much he loves me. But is this normal behaviour for 2 years in? I thought most relationships are serious by then. I don’t understand why he’s with me if he’s embarrassed by me or wants to hide me. I never thought I was ugly or not good enough until now. I’ve had other boyfriends couldn’t wait to be seen with me, yet this one wants to keep everything separate. He’s not seeing anyone else or married haha so it’s not that. Maybe he’s not attracted to me? I don’t know does this make sense though because when I first met him he was CRAZY about me, like couldn’t wait to make me his girlfriend, kept saying I’m beautiful and I’m the best looking girl he’s ever spoke to. So what the hell happened?! He even said he loves me after 3 weeks!

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Laylac

Toots wrote: »

Have you actually sat down and discussed any of this with him? What good do you get out of the relationship? It sounds to me like he's doing what he wants, meanwhile you are miserable and having your self esteem worn down. You deserve better than that.

I have discussed some things but I hate causing a fight so I try to word it lightly I dunno. I have asked him can we go out and do things together and he always agrees and says we will yet I’m still waiting. At this stage I don’t know what I’m getting out of it I’m still there because I love the guy. It wasn’t always like this but it seems I’m being taken for granted.

Big Bag of Chips

Laylac wrote: »

I’m pretty sure he’s not got another girl on the go. Maybe he’s really good at hiding it but I would seriously be surprised.

Like he's really good at hiding you? Most of his friends don't know you exist. I don't know why you think a wedding is the perfect place to cheat rather than on very regular nights out.

Are you happy? That's what it comes down to? If you're not happy then everything else is just a distraction.

Bring it up with him. See if things change. If they do, great. If they don't... You have a decision to make

Laylac

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Laylac wrote: »

I’m pretty sure he’s not got another girl on the go. Maybe he’s really good at hiding it but I would seriously be surprised.

Like he's really good at hiding you? Most of his friends don't know you exist. I don't know why you think a wedding is the perfect place to cheat rather than on very regular nights out.

Are you happy? That's what it comes down to? If you're not happy then everything else is just a distraction.

Bring it up with him. See if things change. If they do, great. If they don't... You have a decision to make

Well I’m assuming they don’t know I exist since I wasn’t invited to the wedding. He says he tells people he’s got a girlfriend. Which is somewhat true I know he has told some people, because I’ve seen them ask about me, I’ve seen a few joke to him that he did well. I’ve always heard people cheat at a wedding so that’s stuck in my mind.

blairbear

I have had many male acquaintances, perhaps like your boyfriend, who do not physically cheat. However they chat up women on their nights out. They rarely mention their girlfriends. They send vaguely flirty "friendly" texts and interact on SM with girls. Do you know how many times I have had men talk to me all night, for 3 or 4 hours, buy me drinks, tell me I'm gorgeous, give me butterflies, and then at that moment when I KNOW we're about to kiss, tell me they're not single? Maybe 50 times. 100 times. A countless amount. My friends have all had similar experiences. And women obviously do this too. None of those technically cheated. People do it because they like knowing they could still hook up with a new girl/guy if they wanted. These are the same guys with the invisible girlfriends of several years, the ones we are shocked to learn even have girlfriends. People keep their other halves on the down low because it suits their egos to look available.

There is no deep psychology to understand here, OP. Sometimes people are just kind of assholes in relationships. When they move on and eventually settle down, it isn't because they've found the perfect person; they've found someone willing to put up with their crap. I would urge you not to be that person.

Also there is no way that all the relationships you know are happy and serious and functional. You have no idea what's going on behind the scenes. I'm sure his family thinks your relationship is lovely and harmonious; they only see one small aspect of it, as you do of other couples.

Big Bag of Chips

People are more likely to be at weddings with their partners though, so I don't see how they would be more likely to cheat there than elsewhere. If you suspect he's going to cheat, then that should be enough for you to call it a day. You are unlikely to ever find out because he doesn't include you in his life.

Look at the title of your thread. Either you are very insecure and completely overreacting. Or you're boyfriend really does not want to go out in public with you.

jopax

I wouldn't say he's embarrassed to be seen with you, it's more that he doesn't want to be seen with you, & only he has that answer.
Also remember talk is cheap, someone might not tell you how they feel but they will always show you how they feel by the way they treat you.

LillySV

Get rid of him, u deserve more than that

professore

Laylac wrote: »

Wow well that’s hurtful, I’ve never heard of someone doing that for years. Any couple that i know that have been together for years are serious. So what’s wrong with me that he feels the need to look for something else too?

Well since no one knows you as a couple that kind of answers your question? Plus far more people cheat regularly than you think and I used to think.

C3PO

OP, you sound like a really nice person but unbelievably naive! When you say that you don't ever go out, what do you do together?

December2012

So what would happen if, you book cinema tickets for tomorrow night and then let's say dinner on Saturday night.

You say you're waiting for him to take you out. I don't understand that. Do you ever make plans and invite him? Does he come out with you and your friends?

Laylac

December2012 wrote: »

So what would happen if, you book cinema tickets for tomorrow night and then let's say dinner on Saturday night.

You say you're waiting for him to take you out. I don't understand that. Do you ever make plans and invite him? Does he come out with you and your friends?

I actually don’t know cause I’ve never done that. I’ve said to him can we go out and do such a thing on this day etc and he agrees but then when it comes to it he forgets so it never happens. So that annoys me I shouldn’t have to remind him or drag him out the door

Laylac

C3PO wrote: »

OP, you sound like a really nice person but unbelievably naive! When you say that you don't ever go out, what do you do together?

Stay in watch Netflix, have dinner. Nothing fun really

Floppybits

Hey OP, I hate to say it but its time to get rid. I can kinda understand it at the start of the relationship when it is still early days as to whether it will last or not but 2 years and he hasn't introduced to his friends is a bit difficult to understand. It does sound like he is having his cake and eating it.

Have you introduced him your family and circle of friends? What do you do when he going out with his mates?

ginandtonicsky

I agree that you should be more proactive here. If you want to go out for dinner, don't ask him and then expect him to arrange it. Ask him to free up an evening and then book the restaurant yourself.

Now it's not going to kill the other relationship issues you've been having, but some fellas really don't know where to start with this stuff. If it was me, I'd want to be sure to be able to rule out cluelessness / complacency on his part.

qwerty13

Laylac wrote: »

December2012 wrote: »

So what would happen if, you book cinema tickets for tomorrow night and then let's say dinner on Saturday night.

You say you're waiting for him to take you out. I don't understand that. Do you ever make plans and invite him? Does he come out with you and your friends?

I actually don’t know cause I’ve never done that. I’ve said to him can we go out and do such a thing on this day etc and he agrees but then when it comes to it he forgets so it never happens. So that annoys me I shouldn’t have to remind him or drag him out the door

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s behaving v nicely at all. But why are you being so passive about it? Why don’t you book cinema / a meal in a restaurant / a concert - and then just text him the details. I think how he deals with that would be rather telling.

Maybe he’s just a lazy sod. Not that that’s great either. But perhaps he’s just making v little effort - while you’re almost waiting for him to organise something, rather than being proactive

.......

Laylac wrote: »

Stay in watch Netflix, have dinner. Nothing fun really

Thats your relationship?

You just stay in together? Whatever about him keeping you compartmentalised - that just sounds horribly boring!! Sure you could stay in by yourself and watch Netflix and actually enjoy it more cos youd have full control of the remote!!

What exactly are you getting out of this so called relationship?

It just sounds like your handy to hang around at home with but he likes to be able to go out pretending he is single in case he gets a better offer.

Its going nowhere. You want to be with someone who is dying to show you off, who is proud to be seen with you - but most of all - who doesnt just waste your youth and his sitting in watching bloody netflix!

SusieBlue

If my last relationship taught me anything, its that if you have to keep questioning if you're happy, and if you have to keep questioning if your partner loves you and is committed to you, that's usually your gut telling you something you heart isn't ready for and your head doesn't want to listen to.

Forget all the details. Listen to your gut.
Do you feel happy, respected, fulfilled and secure? If the answer to any of those is No then you need to seriously reconsider continuing this relationship.
Your basic needs as a partner are not being met and you need to address that.

You seem to blame yourself here but it seems like HE is the one who isn't treating you well.
Stop looking inwardly at your "shortcomings" and start looking at his actions with a clear mind.
Do you think the way he behaves is appropriate for someone in a 2yr long term relationship?

Laylac

....... wrote: »

Laylac wrote: »

Stay in watch Netflix, have dinner. Nothing fun really

Thats your relationship?

You just stay in together? Whatever about him keeping you compartmentalised - that just sounds horribly boring!! Sure you could stay in by yourself and watch Netflix and actually enjoy it more cos youd have full control of the remote!!

What exactly are you getting out of this so called relationship?

It just sounds like your handy to hang around at home with but he likes to be able to go out pretending he is single in case he gets a better offer.

Its going nowhere. You want to be with someone who is dying to show you off, who is proud to be seen with you - but most of all - who doesnt just waste your youth and his sitting in watching bloody netflix!

I don’t know why he’s not proud to be seen with me. At the start he was mad about me, said I was the best looking girl he spoke to, always says I’m hot etc. I haven’t changed in looks at all but maybe I am ugly after all! Even the friends that do know about me said he did well for himself. So they don’t think I’m ugly. If you compare the two of us objectively I’m the better looking one of us, i haven’t thought that myself but I’ve been told that. It doesn’t bother me but it makes even less sense to me that he’s not proud of me. I’m proud to be with him even if I’m conventionally better looking! Unless I’ve a terrible personality

Ursus Horribilis

So what are you going to do about it? This is starting to go round and round a bit.

Dial Hard

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what are you going to do about it? This is starting to go round and round a bit.

Indeed.

OP, you're fixating on the wrong thing here. The issue is not whether he thinks you're "hot", stop obsessing over that. He clearly finds you attractive or he wouldn't be with you in the first place. The issue is that, for whatever reason, he is completely compartmentalising his life and is not prioritising your relationship. This could be down to laziness, complacency, ignorance or any combination of factors. But the fact that a) you're willing to put up with it and b) keep linking it back to your own attractiveness (or perceived lack thereof) speaks volumes about your self-esteem.

Fakediamond

Laylac wrote: »

Because going to a wedding alone seems like the perfect place to cheat. I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating on me. I just really don’t think he is, it’s a gut feeling. That’s not to say he’s not keeping his options open but I don’t think he is cheating right now. His previous relationship ended because she cheated and is still with the guy she cheated on him with. He seems very against cheating going by what he says to me, he says he would forgive anything else just not cheating so don’t do it pretty much.

He’s against YOU cheating, that doesn’t mean that he’s applying that rule to himself.

.......

Laylac wrote: »

I don’t know why he’s not proud to be seen with me. At the start he was mad about me, said I was the best looking girl he spoke to, always says I’m hot etc. I haven’t changed in looks at all but maybe I am ugly after all! Even the friends that do know about me said he did well for himself. So they don’t think I’m ugly. If you compare the two of us objectively I’m the better looking one of us, i haven’t thought that myself but I’ve been told that. It doesn’t bother me but it makes even less sense to me that he’s not proud of me. I’m proud to be with him even if I’m conventionally better looking! Unless I’ve a terrible personality

Forget about what you look like - its not even relevant.

Focus on the fact that you are with someone that you are not having a good time with. So why are you with him?

SozBbz

Dial Hard wrote: »

Indeed.

OP, you're fixating on the wrong thing here. The issue is not whether he thinks you're "hot", stop obsessing over that. He clearly finds you attractive or he wouldn't be with you in the first place. The issue is that, for whatever reason, he is completely compartmentalising his life and is not prioritising your relationship. This could be down to laziness, complacency, ignorance or any combination of factors. But the fact that a) you're willing to put up with it and b) keep linking it back to your own attractiveness (or perceived lack thereof) speaks volumes about your self-esteem.

+1 to this.

OP I actually cannot fathom your thinking here.

1. Relationships are not just about looks. good looking people are not immune to heartbreak and relationship woes. Just look at Cheryl Cole/Tweedy whatever. Cheated on, failed marriages and relationships. Stop focusing on this.

2. Why are you trying to fix yourself to stay in a relationship that brings you nothing but stress, erodes your self worth and sounds like zero fun basically. Why do you not value yourself more at your age? You've described a relationship that may be ok for teenagers (sitting in watching netflix) but for people in their late 20's, its going nowhere.

3. Why do you accept this? It sounds like you never challenge him? Why have you not added him on social media? Why have you not queried why you were firstly invited to this wedding and then it was never spoken of again to the point where you now assume you're uninvited? If I was unsure of something with my partner, I'd just ask. Why are you not telling him we're going to X restaurant on Saturday night at 8pm?

Is it possible that by being so incredibly passive, he's gotten the message that this is all you expect and therefore he's not bothered giving any more than the bare minimum to the relationship.

While he sounds seriously selfish, I think you need to take a closer look at yourself to understand why you've allowed this situation to develop. Whats it going to take for you to assert yourself? If you do nothing, nothing is going to change.

ChrissieH

Agree with all the previous posters so I don't have anything more to add except to reiterate what's been said - unfortunately I know of plenty of guys who are in so-called "loving" long-term relationships and do stray when they're away from their partners and seem to think nothing of it, so I really wouldn't be too quick to dismiss the suggestions other posters are making that your boyfriend might be out on the pull. Of course he's going to appear to be "against cheating" - I mean, who's ever going to say that they're in favour of it??? And as Fakediamond said, being against cheating in general doesn't mean that he applies the same rules to himself, in much the same way as most of us view our own behaviour as being a bit different to others, whether good or bad.

With the guys I mentioned, they're all in long-term relationships since their 20s or even teens, and I presume they're doing it because they need the ego-boost or they feel that they missed out on sowing their wild oats, but of course that's just my generalisation and there are a million reasons why people cheat. I'm not supposed to know about these guys doing this, so it's not as if I can ask them!!
My husband was 25 when I met him (I was older) and he was absolutely mad about me from the word go, but still resisted "settling down" so viciously, and was constantly going out on drinking sessions with his friends, leaving me at home, furious and feeling utterly let down and unimportant, so after a few years together, I broke it off and he wasn't long about realising that it wasn't as much fun when he was going home to a grotty flat-share with no comforts, so he copped on!!

I'm sorry if this offends any men, but in my experience, men are inherently selfish compared to women, and they just don't go out of their way to do things that they don't want to do in order to keep women happy. Conversely, they also do the things that they feel like doing, despite knowing that their woman isn't happy (this is the experience of me and all my friends - again, sorry if anyone's offended)
So on that logic, if he's "getting away" with the freedom of going out with the lads week in, week out, and you're not even kicking up a stink about it, then he's going to keep doing it. He'd probably continue to do it even if you were complaining, but at least if you were complaining, he might at least try to get out of the doghouse by ALSO doing something with you. As it stands, it sounds exactly like SozBbz and Qwerty13 have said; you've been so passive and non-confrontational that you're both just meandering along. It just doesn't sound like there's enough love there to bother staying in it. Why waste your precious 20s in a boring relationship when you could be with someone fun who brings out the best in you.

rainbowtrout

Laylac wrote: »

Well I guess I’m trusting in that I assumed someone being with me for 2 years means they want to be with me. I don’t get it because I can’t imagine staying with someone I didn’t give a crap about for 2 years, I wouldn’t enjoy it so why bother. It’s not something I’ve ever done so it confuses me. I’ll be honest I did think he loved me because he always says it and some things he has done makes me think he did too but maybe that’s all lies too?

I could have written your post OP from past experience. You are unfortunately his back up plan and his ego massage, and he spends time with you when he wants both of those things. At all other times you are hidden and non existent in his world and for all intents and purposes he is single. You say his friends know about you, but they never see you together, so as far as they are concerned you don't exist and you don't know what he says about you. If he says anything it's probably 'Oh Laylac, ah it's just a casual thing we hook up now and again'. As far as they can see that would be true as they never meet you.

If he got an invite to a friend's wedding, he probably got a plus one. Most people give them. You haven't been invited. What does that tell you about how he views the relationship? He doesn't want to be associated with you by his friends and the general public. Also, if you always only ever stay in and watch netflix and have dinner, then no one ever sees you together in public, so nobody comments on you being a couple.

From your point of view he is your boyfriend, from his point of view you are a friend with benefits. Run now while you can, as he will drop you when it suits him when he has found someone else.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, the bottom line here is that you're going to have to be brave and get to the bottom of this. You've been given differing points of view about what's going on here but there is one thing common to all the advice. What your relationship has evolved into isn't right or fair. You need to know where you stand. You're torturing yourself by second-guessing his motivations and you're none the wiser.

From what I can see, you have nothing to lose by initiating a conversation about where your relationship is at. After all, this isn't just your (singular) relationship. It's your boyfriend's as well. If this is simply a case of complacency/misunderstanding, then won't it be great if things improve? If it turns out you're little more than friends with benefits and that he's using you, wouldn't you want to know that too? If he isn't genuinely invested in this relationship, why waste any more of your time on it?

It's not unreasonable to be asking after 2 years together where you're going. To find out why you're not socialising with his friends, why you weren't his +1 on that wedding invitation and why you're going little beyond Netflix 'n Chill these days. Don't get distracted by declarations of how pretty you are (yes, we get that you're hot) or that he loves you. Talk is cheap. It's the actions you need to be watching out for.

Monife

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If he got an invite to a friend's wedding, he probably got a plus one. Most people give them. You haven't been invited. What does that tell you about how he views the relationship? He doesn't want to be associated with you by his friends and the general public. Also, if you always only ever stay in and watch netflix and have dinner, then no one ever sees you together in public, so nobody comments on you being a couple.

Just remember, just because he doesn't want to show you off to his friends, doesn't mean you're not attractive or any less of a person. His actions are just that, his. It's nothing to do with you. You are not to blame for how he is treating you. It's nothing to do with your looks or anything you've done, it's all to do with him.

I do not need to repeat what others have said, but you need to confront him asap or get away from him and move on.

December2012

I thin its unfair of you to put the responsibility of you going out together on him.

Are you proactive about other things in your life or do you just ask somebody else to arrange it and then take offence when they don't?

What are you like with your own friends? Do you make any efforts there?

blueb

LEG IT

Emme

OP do you live together or just meet for "Netflix and chill"? :rolleyes:

This guy does not want to properly commit to a relationship. He has the best of both worlds. A quiet compliant "girlfriend" who is happy to hang around with him at home and doesn't make too much of a fuss when he doesn't take her out and doesn't treat her the way he should treat a girlfriend. He also goes out with his mates and has the chance to chat up and flirt with girls. He may or may not cheat but my guess is that he has kissed more than a few girls on his nights out. He probably does all the chatting up, taking their numbers and shares a few kisses with them. Then he may or may not contact them again.

This guy is your boyfriend in name only. He isn't behaving like a boyfriend apart from the obvious. It seems more like a FWB arrangement to me. He probably told his family you were his girlfriend because they wouldn't approve of him having his cake and eating it.

He is living the life of a single man but is keeping you hidden in the background the way some married men keep their mistresses hidden from their real lives. He is passing time with you. Whatever about not bringing you on night out to the pub with the lads, not bringing you to a wedding should be a deal breaker after 2 years together. Some people get engaged after less time together.

My advice is to get rid and spend some time enjoying the single life, getting out and doing the things you haven't done in the last two years. You will probably miss him a lot less than you think because you haven't been going out as a couple anyway.

Finish it before the wedding. Tell him straight up that you are finishing it because he is not taking you to the wedding and hasn't been taking you out or treating you with the respect due a proper girlfriend. None of the problems have anything to do with you - you said he told you a previous girlfriend wasn't happy either.