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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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kunst nugget

natashaob6 wrote: »

A mime broke his arm in a bar fight he still has the right to be silent.

Is that two parts of other jokes stitched together?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

kunst nugget wrote: »

Is that two parts of other jokes stitched together?

No it's all one joke. Why do you ask?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I rang the bicycle factory today to talk to the man in charge of wheels. The person on the phone said he's not available at the moment so I asked who am I talking too he said the spokes person.

Allinall

natashaob6 wrote: »

I rang the bicycle factory today to talk to the man in charge of wheels. The person on the phone said he's not available at the moment so I asked who am I talking too he said the spokes person.

A tyred joke that’s been pedalled around here before.

Capt'n Midnight

Drinkypoos : Something girls think is a cute way of saying drinking.

Drinkypoos : What men get after drinking 8 pints of Guinness

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

When I was little my dad kept feeding me alphabet soup. He told me I used to love it but he was only putting words in my mouth.

The only birthday present I got this year was a sticky deck of playing cards. I found them very hard to deal with.

TheChevron

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

who is the coolest guy in the hospital ?

The ultrasound guy !

Who's is the coolest guy when he's not working?

The hip replacement guy.

jaykay74

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

valoren

What do we want!?

Low flying airplane noises!!!!

When do we want them?!

Neeeeeeoooowwwwww!

chewed

Madonna goes into a flower shop and says, "I'd like to buy some flowers please".

"Orchids?"

"No thanks. Just the flowers."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I bought a grenade today. Things went horrible wrong when the cashier as me for my pin.

I accused my friend of putting glue on my weapons. He denied but I'm sticking to my guns.

A shoemaker in Holland made shoes that can count how many steps you take. Clever clogs.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know when the British Airways flight has landed in Melbourne ?

The whining continues after the engines have been shut off.

Capt'n Midnight

News headline: Red Bull thieves steal €850,000 worth of energy drink in staggering heist in Belgium...

How do these bastards sleep at night!?

milltown

valoren wrote: »

What do we want!?

Low flying airplane noises!!!!

When do we want them?!

Neeeeeeoooowwwwww!

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?

C*NTS!!

Capt'n Midnight

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting.

I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

fryup

I had an itchy arse once, and a friend of mine recommended rubbing used tea leaves on it. Anyway, I did that for a few days without success, and eventually went to my GP, Dr Singh. He asked me to drop my trousers and bend over, then he got down to have a look.

“What do you think then Doc?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s causing your itchy arse,” he said, “But I can see you’ll be going on a long journey, and will meet a tall stranger"

Capt'n Midnight

The one lesson to take from high profile deaths is, never be surrounded by your family.

It rarely ends well.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I got pulled over by a police officer and he asked me if I had a police record. I said no but I have a sting album.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but instead I gave her super glue. She's still not talking to me.

M.T. Cranium

The mathematician and his wife were having a furious argument.

"You're not half the man my father was," she wailed.

"That is incorrect, I am pi over 2 times, or at the very least pi over three."

"See, that's your problem, you're completely irrational."

Capt'n Midnight

What job ads really mean

Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What Do you call Germans who throw bread at each other? Gluten tag.

Dad are we pyromaniacs? Yes we arson.

What do slutty horses wear on their feet? Whoreshoes.

Was trying to chat up a beautiful girl last night. I asked her how did she likes her eggs fried or fertilized.

donegal_man

Reminded me that mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384046

[Deleted User]

donegal_man wrote: »

Reminded me that mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384046

The more adventurous ones prefer to try 8.3066238629.

James74

Deleted User wrote: »

The more adventurous ones prefer to try 8.3066238629.

Ah, the times I've had on 68.99999999969972

Damien360

I'm lost as to the joke of square root of 66 and 69 ? Is it in some comedy series in-joke ****e ?

[Deleted User]

Damien360 wrote: »

I'm lost as to the joke of square root of 66 and 69 ? Is it in some comedy series in-joke ****e ?

Apt username, you end up looking the same way.

New Home

donegal_man wrote: »

Reminded me that mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384046

Deleted User wrote: »

The more adventurous ones prefer to try 8.3066238629.

James74 wrote: »

Ah, the times I've had on 68.99999999969972

Damien360 wrote: »

I'm lost as to the joke of square root of 66 and 69 ? Is it in some comedy series in-joke ****e ?

You do the math(s). :cool:

mfceiling

My wife said she's leaving me because I have such a huge ego. I told her to close the door on the way back in again.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man walks in to a Library and asks the Liberian do you have the book about small penises? The Liberian checks her computer and says it's not in yet. The man replies yes that's the one.

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

My son identifies as a crescent moon. My wife says it's just a phase.

fryup

natashaob6 wrote: »

A man walks in to a Library and asks the Liberian do you have the book about small penises? The Liberian checks her computer and says it's not in yet. The man replies yes that's the one.

brilliant!