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How to kill an Ex...

Carry

...and get away with it.

I don’t want to go into details about a toxic relationship that ended more than 15 years ago, longer actually – for a good reason.

And I don’t want to go into detail why he turned up today (from abroad where he lives) and started threatening me with all sorts of things without being physically abusive. Well, that was his trick all along in the past. And the reason why I ended up in Ireland as far away from him as possible. As the saying goes: long story.

A solicitor is involved by now, so that side is covered. And the reason why I wouldn’t go into details.

But thing is, I’m so upset that I thought some AH input would cheer me up, even after actual talks with friends and neighbours.

I feel murderous (which my solictor doesn’t approve, naturally).

So any ideas how to fuel my fantasies about how to kill an 6’6’’ Ex who openly declared today that he doesn’t give a shìt about me as long as he gets his way?

The crueller the better. Thanks.

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indioblack

Madalyn Scary Mole wrote: »

Well it would be stupid to recommend it if someone hadn't died from it!.

Duh.

It's hypothetical - the real death by this method only happened just over two weeks ago. When used in a fantasy scenario, I'd consider that poor judgment.

Akrasia

Lure him into a school during a dance and use your telekinetic powers to barricade the doors and burn down the building.

Like you did last time.

[Deleted User]

Cleopatra_ wrote: »

Going by watching CSI, you should kill him with an icicle (so that the weapon melts). Then cut him up and feed him to hungry pigs (this I garnered from Snatch).

No icicles this time of year though, so I suggest Carry gives him a whack on the head with a frozen chicken, defrosts said chicken, then roasts said chicken, then eats said chicken. Murder weapon disposed of without trace.

degsie

indioblack wrote: »

It's hypothetical - the real death by this method only happened just over two weeks ago. When used in a fantasy scenario, I'd consider that poor judgment.

Welcome to AH

Akrasia

Candie wrote: »

No icicles this time of year though, so I suggest Carry gives him a whack on the head with a frozen chicken, defrosts said chicken, then roasts said chicken, then eats said chicken. Murder weapon disposed of without trace.

You eat your roast chicken bones and all?

I find that strangely alluring

mvl

- how the heck did he find out where OP lives ?

But on suggestions ... I would suggest the theme from the episode Playtest in Black Mirror/season 3: playing an AR game custom built with this guys fears.

Carry

RiderOnTheStorm wrote: »

Poison is traditionally the weapon of the fairer sex.

To get away with it:
Nicotine - very toxic, hard to detect afterwards, and given in liquid form (ie flavoured vape liquid) hard for ex to detect in his drink.
(...)

All hypothetical, of course....

Now that's something I didn't know so far. Worth a thought.

Madalyn Scary Mole wrote: »

A wood chipper, then spray his tiny body parts into a fast flowing river. Job done.

Great! Perfect for removing all traces of him, sort of. I hope Aldi or Lidl have some special offer of a wood chipper soon.

Candie wrote: »

No icicles this time of year though, so I suggest Carry gives him a whack on the head with a frozen chicken, defrosts said chicken, then roasts said chicken, then eats said chicken. Murder weapon disposed of without trace.

Now there's an idea! Take a frozen chicken, use the wood chipper and than have a feast with coq au vin d'Alscace!
I'm sure you have some advice about some mites, that devour wood chipped exes, too?

And for the rest of the sensitive and/or outraged posters:

No. I'm not going to actually kill anyone. But have you ever been so angry that you have murderous fantasies, that can actually act as a psychological relief?
Or are you all of the kind that say: I could murder a cup of tea? Without having any thoughts about the poor cup of tea?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

vectorvictor wrote: »

"I feel murderous" is not a fantasy related statement nor did you reference fantasy at any stage. People are impacted by these things and I see no humour in your pathetic attempt at attention.

I'd say you're a big hit down the local.

[Deleted User]

vectorvictor wrote: »

"I feel murderous" is not a fantasy related statement nor did you reference fantasy at any stage. People are impacted by these things and I see no humour in your pathetic attempt at attention.

are you the ex

degsie

bluewolf wrote: »

are you the ex

or soon to be...

mvl

Carry wrote: »

But have you ever been so angry that you have murderous fantasies, that can actually act as a psychological relief?
Or are you all of the kind that say: I could murder a cup of tea? Without having any thoughts about the poor cup of tea?

No. But the situation you described resonates to some things in my past I would not want to meet ever again (I am a married adult myself, but I've seen some abuse around me growing up - I guess now its part of my emotional baggage).

So hope you'll do well, to feel safe again.

corner of hells

acai berry wrote: »

Exactly! Have just been watching on ID Channel, the story of how a senior member of the Gucci Fashion family was murdered. His estranged wife of many years had been saying everywhere in public that she wanted her Ex got rid of. Eventually she got a gang of four involved, who did the job. They demanded a huge pay-out from her and when she didn't pay it all, they ratted her out and she was found guilty of murder. She has served 16 years in prison and has been released early for good behaviour. Now she can be seen strolling around the streets of Milan with her pet parrot on her shoulder. Take care, OP!

Aha , so the parrot did it .I knew all the time.

the purple tin

Put a scorpion down his y-fronts.

bop1977

I have an ex I’d rather not see again. I give their details you give me your ex details. We bump the other one off then as we are strangers on the internet we have no reason to be a suspect in our respective ex s demise. What could possibly go wrong?

the purple tin

Candie wrote: »

No icicles this time of year though, so I suggest Carry gives him a whack on the head with a frozen chicken, defrosts said chicken, then roasts said chicken, then eats said chicken. Murder weapon disposed of without trace.

There was a story where a wife bonked her husband on the head with a frozen leg of lamb, roasted said leg and served it to the detectives investigating his murder.

RiderOnTheStorm

To get rid of the body, you could roll it up in chicken wire and dump in the sea. The wire ensures crabs etc can have access to consume the flesh (ie evidence) and yet hold everything together so no small part can drift off ..... not that I have thought too much about it.

Rented Mule

Carry wrote: »

Ah, I rememer that film. But how do you get icicles in Ireland? In summer?

There is piggery in the vicinity, though. Have to charm the pig farmer first - not an appealing perception ...

"Death by Piggery" is the name of my next album

Rented Mule

bop1977 wrote: »

I have an ex I’d rather not see again. I give their details you give me your ex details. We bump the other one off then as we are strangers on the internet we have no reason to be a suspect in our respective ex s demise. What could possibly go wrong?

This sounds an awful lot like "Throw Momma from the Train".

Mam of 4

the purple tin wrote: »

There was a story where a wife bonked her husband on the head with a frozen leg of lamb, roasted said leg and served it to the detectives investigating his murder.

Tales Of The Unexpected .
That one stuck in my head for some unknown reason !

[Deleted User]

the purple tin wrote: »

There was a story where a wife bonked her husband on the head with a frozen leg of lamb, roasted said leg and served it to the detectives investigating his murder.

Getting the police to eat the evidence would be a masterstroke!

Yer Da sells Avon

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Tales Of The Unexpected .
That one stuck in my head for some unknown reason !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1sBQZfDh0I

dennyire

pm me

bop1977

Rented Mule wrote: »

This sounds an awful lot like "Throw Momma from the Train".

Ha ha. Close but really miles away. Try strangers on a train.

*edit* throw mamma from the train has a similar plot.