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Sopranos best jokes

[Deleted User]

Remember your first blow job?

Yeah!

Did it take the guy long to come?

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buried

"He jumped outta the tree and come at me with a chainsaw. I got a right to defend myself Tone"

[Deleted User]

And Sil keeps a straight face;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIv8rtOYD6Q

EagererBeaver

What's French Canadian for I grew up without a mother?

EagererBeaver

Vito Spatafore is an ASS-MUNCHER.

I thought I was dead but I manuged to get the drip on him.

I must be loyle to my capo.

Poo. Ass. The.

[Deleted User]

CHINKS DID THIS!!!

chissy, ****ing brilliant.

I loved when he'd get stuff wrong as well like when he said "it's like the cop show law and order SUV!"

or else very clever one when they're talking about a death and silvio says..yea it's like that guy from the simpsons...don..something..

they're discussing someone dead in similar circumstances to director don simpson of jerry bruckheimer fame....very funny

nobody will top that show ever... "it's called chicken soup for the soul"...TONY you should read the italian version..tomatow sauce for yir assss!!

artvanderlay

Just remembered this exchange between Johnny Sack and Big Carmine; can't find the video, but it's priceless...

Johnny Sack: I want you to sanction a hit on Ralph Cifaretto.Carmine Lupertazzi: What, you ****in' kiddin' me?Johnny Sack: He violated my wife's honor.Carmine Lupertazzi: Ralph slept with Ginny?Johnny Sack: He insulted her. He made a very insensitive joke about her body to some friends of ours.Carmine Lupertazzi: What did he say?Johnny Sack: I have to repeat it? My word's not good enough?Carmine Lupertazzi: Not if you want him clipped over it.Johnny Sack: He said she was havin' a 90 pound mole removed from her ass...[Pause]...The implication was that her ass is so big, she can have a mole that size removed from it.Carmine Lupertazzi: It's an off-color remark; it was highly inappropriate. You want, I'll demand he's taxed. But clip him? (shakes his head no)Johnny Sack: Is, is it all just about money?Carmine Lupertazzi: I'll crack him good. I'll ask for two hundred grand.Johnny Sack: Two hundred grand for insulting my wife? What's next Carmine, he get to **** her for a million?Carmine Lupertazzi: He wants to **** her?Johnny Sack: I'm making a point, I'm talkin' about my wife's honor here, my honor.Carmine Lupertazzi: We depend on this guy. There are millions of dollars at stake. We can't afford it John.Johnny Sack: A room full of guys making fun of my wife and you're not gonna let me deal with this?Carmine Lupertazzi: Not that way. My answer's gotta be no.Johnny Sack: I want a sit down then with Ralph, ****ing thief. Get this Fernandez paving bull**** dealt with.

corks finest

buried wrote: »

Remember that,ðŸ˜Paulie was the best in it

corks finest

artvanderlay wrote: »

Just remembered this exchange between Johnny Sack and Big Carmine; can't find the video, but it's priceless...

Johnny Sack: I want you to sanction a hit on Ralph Cifaretto.Carmine Lupertazzi: What, you ****in' kiddin' me?Johnny Sack: He violated my wife's honor.Carmine Lupertazzi: Ralph slept with Ginny?Johnny Sack: He insulted her. He made a very insensitive joke about her body to some friends of ours.Carmine Lupertazzi: What did he say?Johnny Sack: I have to repeat it? My word's not good enough?Carmine Lupertazzi: Not if you want him clipped over it.Johnny Sack: He said she was havin' a 90 pound mole removed from her ass...[Pause]...The implication was that her ass is so big, she can have a mole that size removed from it.Carmine Lupertazzi: It's an off-color remark; it was highly inappropriate. You want, I'll demand he's taxed. But clip him? (shakes his head no)Johnny Sack: Is, is it all just about money?Carmine Lupertazzi: I'll crack him good. I'll ask for two hundred grand.Johnny Sack: Two hundred grand for insulting my wife? What's next Carmine, he get to **** her for a million?Carmine Lupertazzi: He wants to **** her?Johnny Sack: I'm making a point, I'm talkin' about my wife's honor here, my honor.Carmine Lupertazzi: We depend on this guy. There are millions of dollars at stake. We can't afford it John.Johnny Sack: A room full of guys making fun of my wife and you're not gonna let me deal with this?Carmine Lupertazzi: Not that way. My answer's gotta be no.Johnny Sack: I want a sit down then with Ralph, ****ing thief. Get this Fernandez paving bull**** dealt with.

Shakespeare couldn't have done better

Dyr

Junior, when a black FBI guy comes to the hospital to attach his ankle bracelet after his surgery:

"They give you the important jobs huh?"

_Dara_

Not really a joke but Uncle June after failing in the shower: “Sister’s cunt!”.

Also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0I8DzZ9iVw

And anytime Janice and Tony share the screen is guaranteed gold.

And Little Carmine’s malapropisms.

HandsomeBob

tinpib wrote: »

IT'S A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY!!!

And then way, way after that was a big part of the story, Paulie mentions something like

Paulie:"I'm thinking of putting Ma into that same retirement community as your mother"

Tony: "IT'S A NURSING HOME!!"

"I never recommended it" delivered by Tony in such a bemused way in response to Paulie always had me in stitches.

[Deleted User]

Silvio Dante : I stick motherf¿ck1ng provolone in my socks at night so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the fu¿ck1ng, c0cksuck1ng cheese where it is!

From the poker game with Frank Sinatra junior

irishme

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

irishme

Tony Soprano: (to Anthony Junior) Look at your face! If you got some kind of sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever, now is the time to tell us! I mean, what went on up there! Poppers and weird sex!!

EagererBeaver

How's the boy?

What boy's that, Tony?

The one you're sleeping with.

irishme

Bakery Clerk: You mother****er! You shot my foot!
Christopher : It happens.

it sure does Christopher,,,it sure does

irishme

Bobby : To the victor, belongs the spoils.
Tony : Why don't you get the **** outta here before I shove your quotations book up your fat ****in' ass.

retalivity

The episode were Carmella has an affair with AJ's teacher, he comes round to the house when Tony is there

Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Christ, Tony, everybody's a fag to you. You know, maybe you're a fag, you ever think about that?
Tony: Can I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What are the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Sucking a guy's cock usually tips me off.

irishme

Paulie Walnuts: So, how many guys you gotta jerk off on a massage table ta make that?
Tony Blundetto: I don't know. What do ya charge without the table.

Nodster

Enforcer from Tony's crew phones the boss with an update "Remember the two horses you backed? Well they both lost"

irishme

Uncle Junior:
They said in the guide it's an Italian movie, but even with the captions I can't tell what's what. They had Jesus hanging off a helicopter, but you could tell it was a dummy.

irishme

Phil Leotardo: What's a matter Joey, you got a ****in' eye problem! You look like Stevie Wonder, your eyes rollin' around!

uncle jun and philly definayley have the best lines

irishme

Phil: You know that fat cocksucker says I look like the Shah of Iran?

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

the way ralphie says whóre

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

EagererBeaver

georgiecasey wrote: »

the way ralphie says whóre

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

Hoo-ah.

One of my favourite bits is when Sil drags Tracy out of Ralph's to get her back to the Bing. Ralph protests mildly but is such an absolute sociopath that he's laughing out the window as Sil slaps her around

Dyr

georgiecasey wrote: »

the way ralphie says wh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SoCRAswbNA

Reminds me of this

Tony: You think Ralph is a little weird about women?
Silvio: I dunno Tone..I mean he beat one to death, just for....ehh. I forget. What was it for?

_Dara_

irishme wrote: »

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

Oh god, I watched that scene through my fingers. She is so goddamn pathetic there.

sicknotexi

When Paulie called Beansie a stand up guy.

artvanderlay

When Tony's in a coma, and Paulie visits!

"When I was in the service, I won the chin ups cup three weeks in a row. ****ing beautiful definition too. Guy asked me to model for the boxing poster. He was half a fag, but I was flattered just the same. Now, heh, look at this. ****ing wrinkles like an old lady's ****"

EagererBeaver

_Dara_ wrote: »

irishme wrote: »

Lorraine Calluzzo: I'll suck your c**k, I'll suck all your c**ks!!!!
Phil Leotardo: You'll suck our c**ks? She any good? (pauses) Why am I askin, you, you probably showed her how. (to Jason Evanina)

Oh god, I watched that scene through my fingers. She is so goddamn pathetic there.

She's about to be murdered like and is begging for her life.