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Child Item

Regret having children? Is there anything good about having children?

The Planters Daughter

Apologies in advance for this long winded post! But I am desperate for some advice and feedback on this subject – I have been researching it for months!
My husband and I have been married for five years - Together for ten - We have a great life and we really are best friends (Mushy I know) We go on two or three holidays a year, we love going out for meals, wine bars, concerts and just enjoy the freedom that we have.

I am yet to hear that maternal scream from my ovaries begging me produce an off-spring the way most other women seem to, in fact the two of us have always been adamant that children are not on the cards for us in life. But because I am almost 32 and that biological clock of mine is quietly ticking away I have started to force myself to consider the positives of becoming a Mother to reduce the chance of having any regrets in older life. I am very close to my own Mother and this is one of the main things that sways me in the direction of Motherhood, I want that bond with my own daughter (But oh God what if I have a son!!!)

I also love the idea of having a little part of my husband and I combined together, to see what a beautiful little human we could make (But oh God what if we have an ugly one!!) to pass on our stories to them, to tell them about our own childhoods, our travels, their grandparents and to hand down clothing, jewellery our favourite books. We are both at times quite childish, love children’s movies, love Christmas….all those amazing fun things that having a child (I believe) makes even more fun? When I thought about this beautiful fairy-tale image of raising children I almost had myself convinced I could throw away the condoms….until…

Never one for believing my own mind, I have a bit of an addiction to “Googling” every question that pops into my head, and so I have spent the past months non-stop googling forums and Facebook pages about the pros and cons of being a parent, and what I have found is quite disturbing, from Redditt, mumsnet, and Men’s health to that famous Facebook page called “I regret having children” all I can seem to find is horror stories about how much having Children destroys everything good in a person’s life. From Mothers who say their bodies are destroyed and their lives turned upside down in the worst way possible, to Fathers who resent their children for stealing the wives attention away and who wished they had never had kids in the first place. Even the parents who say they don’t regret their decision to reproduce moaned on about how mundane their lives were and how they never realised it would be as hard as it is. The most common complaint I came across was that the joy really didn’t outweigh the negatives and that marriages can really be strained under all the pressure, and never quite the same. (I really don’t want to ruin what we already have)

So Basically I want to hear from the parents – Is it really all that bad?? Do you regret it?? Does having a little human of your own not make it all worthwhile – And what about Christmas – Surely having a little Santa believer running around the house at Christmas time is enough to make up for having zero sleep the rest of the year? In saying that my husband has just run a bubble bath, and we are about to open a bottle of wine – On a school night – Do I really need a cute little human ruining our peace on nights like this?

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pilly

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I thought I was reading a thread title from after hours for a minute. There are no negitaves, just changes.

Sorry but that's absolute bull, there are plenty of negatives and anyone who says there isn't is lying.

No point in painting the world of parenthood with rose tinted glasses, it's not for everyone.

Tombo2001

LushiousLips wrote: »

What kind of sh*te are u finding on Facebook and forums. I've never seen anything like that. What kind of a person regrets having their kids. Sure, it's hard at times but there is no comparison between the pros and cons. The joy ur kids bring u is a feeling you'll never have experienced before and you'll feel love in your heart that you've never felt before.

I'd sure there is like 1 in 10'000 or 1 in 100'000 who regrets it.

But the Irish Indo will seek them out like a sniffer dog in the airport, and make it seem like they are actually 1 in 10.

Tombo2001

pilly wrote: »

Sorry but that's absolute bull, there are plenty of negatives and anyone who says there isn't is lying.

No point in painting the world of parenthood with rose tinted glasses, it's not for everyone.

There are negatives - but you wont find many parents who will say the negatives outweigh the positives.

I know parents who have gone through the most horrendous acrimonious separations. But none of them would say they regret having the kids, despite it.

Gorgeousgeorge

had my only child at 18. shes now 8. thought it was the worst thing ever for a while but soon snapped out of it. been hard as hell but worth it. then i realised il be 38 when she is 20 and i am very happy we had her young.

CramCycle

Regret is the wrong word. Is it the right decision (I never decided, but thats another conversation).

If I never met my kids, would I miss them, no, I never knew them. If I had never had kids would my life be complete, yes, just different. People who say your life is or is not complete without a certain thing are talking about themselves.

Would I go back and choose not too have kids, no. I love them to bits but I would never recommend having kids to anyone. Never.

Your viewpoint will be skewed by whether you have kids or not, just because you don't know one side of the coin, does not mean your view is right. I know parents who have had horrible times, they all say they don't regret it but that doesn't mean it was the right decision to have kids but it does not mean they regret it either.

Every parent and child is different, if your not sure, then I wouldn't but if you do, the fact that you were concerned enough to ask, probably means you'll get through it.

khaldrogo

Negatives -

No money
No sleep
No social life
No sex life
No spur of the moment holidays
Peppa Pig
You might have a boy

Positives -

Overwhelming love for the child
Watching them grow and develop their own little personalities.
Someone to look after you when you're old.

lazygal

I love my children and now I cannot imagine life without them. We were lucky to have them without too much bother and so far life hasn't been turned upside down by them, its just different.

Some people will regret having children, like people regret buying a house or getting married or any other big life decisions. While there is no right time to decide to have children, however women have a window to do it in and I've seen many friends struggle to conceive so my advice to anyone thinking about having children is to carefully consider what might happen if you start trying and nothing happens. Infertility you don't expect can be awful.

tevey08

Having a baby is honestly the best thing ever to happen to you. To see your baby smile for the first time, take their first steps and slowly learning words. The unconditional love you'll have for your child is like nothing you've ever experienced before. Regardless of the sleepless nights, the sick on your cloths, dirty nappies, poo in the bath and all the negative things, they're all minor things that won't even phase you.

Holidays, we still have our holidays, in fact we've arranged for a family holiday in May so other kids and child minders will be available. We still enjoy our nights out, not as much as we'd rather stay fresh and do something with our son. You just amend your lifestyle slightly.

There is nothing better than going to collect your son from creche, His eyes light up and the excitement of both of us seen each other is explainable.

My advice, you're the perfect age and 100% go for it and you'll never want to not have your little mini me around

shesty

Ah jeez!I'm sorry OP, I can't really answer you.Because the problem is that you don't really know what it's like to have kids til you have them.I can tell you all the practical stuff like your mornings in bed are gone (for a few years anyway), you tend to be broke, your time is not your own, your house is a mess, and your friends kind of fade into the background for a while.

But the other stuff....the stuff that makes it worthwhile....you don't understand that til you have kids.The bit that makes you both cry with joy when your baby is handed to you, that makes you love (and embarassingly recount to other adults!) The funny little things your three year old says to you, the thing that makes you love going home to see the big smiles on their faces, the feeling you get when your toddler snuggles in saying 'mamma" (even if it is at 6am!), the thing that makes you stand and look at them while they sleep ......I can't explain those.They are beyond truly understanding if you don't have kids.

Sure some people are not cut out to be parents and sure you can make whatever choice suits you.People like to complain, and the internet is the perfect forum for complaining.And of course the media like to jump on the bandwagon with loads of (frankly) stupid articles about how awful being a parent is.It's hard but equally it makes you realise there's more to life....so much more...and to you as a person when you have kids, even if you don't feel like that everyday.At the end of the day your kids are yours, and nature has hardwired us to love and protect our offspring, and to feel differently about them that all other kids.It's how we survive as a species :-)

My kids are hard work but now that they are here, I cannot imagine my life without them and the eye-opening depths of love they have brought into it.

Aye Bosun

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

WOW! If you think people without children are not complete, you're living in a wee bubble you created for yourself.

I am childfree, by choice, a woman in my 40's. My life if very complete. Just because you made a personal choice to have a child doesn't mean you suddenly find the meaning to life. Don't be preposterous!

The superiority complex that some people aqquire after having a child always amazes me, it don't make you smarter or more important than someone childfree.

Having a child, as I say, is personal choice that I feel a lot people go into without really thinking of the consquences. I know a lot of my friends both men and women also in their 40's will privately tell you they're are not happy with their decision and only had them to conform to society or pressure from family etc if they had sat and really thought about it for a while they would never have had them. On the other hand people who choose to not have children, have thought about it over and over again, mostly due to the fact that they are repeatly asked to justify their reasons from every tom dick and harry they meet.

Hitman3000

khaldrogo wrote:

You might have a boy

Joke, right?

beans

Aye Bosun wrote: »

The superiority complex that some people aqquire after having a child always amazes me, it don't make you smarter or more important than someone childfree.

I think it's kind of like someone who's done mushrooms, and now thinks that everyone should do mushrooms, that it's changed his perspective on life entirely, and nothing is the same now. Life takes on new meaning, new significance, and it's easy to look at someone who hasn't tasted this with a feeling of pity.

Children change you and your priorities in such a fundamental way. And, like shrooms, are not for everyone.

CelticRambler

khaldrogo wrote: »

No money
No sleep
No social life
No sex life
No spur of the moment holidays

What???

Sure, if you want to play the martyr, you can go down that road, but children don't have to cost much unless you choose to spend ridiculous amounts on them;
two parents taking turns at night duty = plenty of sleep (I had to do a 58-hour shift at work last weekend, never had that kind of torture rearing toddlers)
my current social life includes other people's children, and is all the better for it;
I'm fairly sure the arrival of child no.2, 3 and 4 meant our sex-life didn't evaporate after no.1;
and just about every adult I know has to get clearance from HR at least three months in advance to take "spur of the moment" holidays ... :P

khaldrogo wrote: »

Peppa Pig

I'll let you have that one!

JimmyMcGill

GDK_11 wrote: »

I would be quite sure that they could and would live a fulfilled existence without children.
We may not have the choice down the line, I don't know. However would my life be fulfilled either way, i don't see why it wouldn't be.

That's what I said.

BorneTobyWilde

Did you keep the receipt

CramCycle

beans wrote: »

I think it's kind of like someone who's done mushrooms, and now thinks that everyone should do mushrooms, that it's changed his perspective on life entirely, and nothing is the same now. Life takes on new meaning, new significance, and it's easy to look at someone who hasn't tasted this with a feeling of pity.

Children change you and your priorities in such a fundamental way. And, like shrooms, are not for everyone.

Perfect analogy, done plenty of recreational drugs when i was younger, I think they are an experience worth having but only for me, maybe not for everyone. They suit some, not all, saying that your experience is defining and should be experienced by others to feel complete, is missing one key thing.

It was your experience, not everyone will enjoy it, some will. Some will rue the day they tried them others will wonder how they lived before drugs came along.

whoopsadoodles

CelticRambler wrote: »

just about every adult I know has to get clearance from HR at least three months in advance to take "spur of the moment" holidays ... :P

3 months?

Never in my life have I had to give 3 months notice for holidays and I've never heard of anyone else having to either until now.

sbsquarepants

I have kids and I've done shrooms - I can whole heartedly recommend both:D

I have 5 kids and a 6th on the way. 2 adults and 3 young kids almost 5, 3 + 1 and a half.
I practically never go out, twice a year if I'm lucky.
I haven't slept through the night or past 7am in years, even after the 2 nights I sneak out! Myself and the missus went out for a night a few weeks ago - it was the first time we've been out just the 2 of us in 5 years!
While others are bingeing on game of thrones or better call saul, I'm watching repeats of peppa pig and tayo the little bus.
I haven't eaten a meal without a child on my lap in god knows how long.
Everything in my house is covered in scribbles - everything, walls, floors, furniture, everything!
I spent hours on Saturday washing a trail of vomit off the bedroom + landing carpets.
Yesterday I spent a couple of hours playing doctors and nurses (not that kind:D) with 3 demented doctors and a crocodile for the patient. The day before it was hide and seek, who knows what entertainment this evening holds!

It's exhausting, it's financially and mentally draining - but it's the best thing I've ever done. I wouldn't change it for a billion euros.

Bubble baths and wine are nice, holidays are nice, a nice house is, eh nice. But that's all they are, nice.
Kids are not nice, kids are amazing.

CramCycle

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

3 months?

Never in my life have I had to give 3 months notice for holidays and I've never heard of anyone else having to either until now.

Depends on the job and predictability, for the long holidays, depending on the time of year, anywhere between 1 week and 3 months for me. Certain jobs mean others rely on you to get their work done so longer notice makes life more plannable for certain projects.

whoopsadoodles

CramCycle wrote: »

Depends on the job and predictability, for the long holidays, depending on the time of year, anywhere between 1 week and 3 months for me. Certain jobs mean others rely on you to get their work done so longer notice makes life more plannable for certain projects.

That's a bit different though to having to clear it with HR with a minimum of 3 months.

Certainly there are times I can't go on hols because I have work on or a deadline coming up but it's not an arbitrary 3 month rule.

CelticRambler

One little "reality check":

The Planters Daughter wrote: »

my husband said he wants whatever I want....

That was the weak point (eventually breaking point) in my relationship with MrsCR. She always said that she wanted what I wanted, until later when she told me that she'd always wanted something else and was only saying that to make me happy ( "adult" stuff, very little to do with having/rearing the children)

Don't let your husband foist all the decision-making onto you while he figures out what he really wants. "Yeah, whatever" isn't good enough when it comes to raising children.

cbyrd

No one here can really help you, we can all give our very biased opinion of our wonderful children. But then, ask a parent at 4am when a child has been up 6 times already to wee and they just won't go back to sleep and your exhausted cos this is the fourth night in a row this week, going on since they were born and they're now 3.
Would life be easier without kids, absolutely. Would I go without any of my brood, never. I've had amazingly tough times, more in the teenage years than the younger ones. I have a sick baby too. Currently in ICU, in hospital more or less since birth. Would I not have him if I knew, never. It's my new normal. None of the family would be without him.
But that's me. I don't know your life. Your support network or financial situation, these are not givens. You could decide in 2 years you're moving home for any reasons. You could get an amazing job opportunity in Australia that allows you to hire a nanny.
Nobody can predict.
And as the saying correctly says, life is what happens while you're busy making plans.

Dadzilla

Can’t speak for others, can only share my own experience. We had our first kid over a month ago and we’re very late 30’s. I never wanted kids till I hit my mid 30’s for many of the myths associated with rearing kids. I have a very busy life both with work and personal life hobbies.

Here’s what I can share so far:

Pregnancy and childbirth can be tough
Recovery from childbirth is tough
You will make lifestyle adjustments
Babies don’t do much in the first couple of months except eat, cry, sleep and soil nappies.
Society is not really parenting friendly

But...

That moment you see your own child for the first time really is indescribable. And when your child cries it’s different than the shrills if other people’s children.
The sense of acting for a greater benefit (don’t know how to describe it) is massive.
It is a joy to hold and see your child.

Here’s the thing. There is absolutely no way to explain it. It’s only when it happens to you shall you understand.

Baggly

Dadzilla wrote: »

Can’t speak for others, can only share my own experience. We had our first kid over a month ago and we’re very late 30’s. I never wanted kids till I hit my mid 30’s for many of the myths associated with rearing kids. I have a very busy life both with work and personal life hobbies.

Here’s what I can share so far:

Pregnancy and childbirth can be tough
Recovery from childbirth is tough
You will make lifestyle adjustments
Babies don’t do much in the first couple of months except eat, cry, sleep and soil nappies.
Society is not really parenting friendly

But...

That moment you see your own child for the first time really is indescribable. And when your child cries it’s different than the shrills if other people’s children.
The sense of acting for a greater benefit (don’t know how to describe it) is massive.
It is a joy to hold and see your child.

Here’s the thing. There is absolutely no way to explain it. It’s only when it happens to you shall yo understand.

I agree with that last bit; and while i know it can read as condescention, i wouldnt say it in such a way (if i had said it first

)

Ive always wanted a family and looked forward to the time when i would be a dad, so had expectations around what it would feel like, but the actual feeling itself was unique when i felt it.

Kind of like a shift in perspective/priorities/understanding about myself and my place in the world. While i was expecting this during the pregnancy, it all culminated when i met both of my kids.

Great day for the parish.

tayto lover

The kids were brilliant for me even though we had to struggle through life with education fees etc. However the grandkids are fantastic craic altogether. I don't know what i'd do without them coming to visit and i look forward to it so much. Listening to their wee stories from school, to their songs and jokes is the best thing in life.

Peatys

Doesn't sound like kids are for you op. Nothing wrong with that.

eimsRV

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions since becoming a parent almost 9 years ago, regret has never been one of them.

Larsso30

AndyBoBandy wrote: »

Is it tough? Yes.

Is our 3 year old son mental? Yes.

Are lie ins a thing if the distant past? Yes.

Do they become the centre of your life? Yes.

But is it all worth it? Absolutely.

The joy, the smiles, the feeling when you have those moments of uncontrollable laughter with your child,

It’s difficult and there are always the moments when you wish you could just flick a switch and revert back to ‘normal’

But life would be a very hollow place if we didn’t have him.

You can have careers, cars, houses etc... but you’re not complete until you have a child, and only then will you truly know the meaning of life.

literally couldnt say it better than this

groovyg

khaldrogo wrote: »

Positives -

Someone to look after you when you're old.

Hear this one trotted out alot - what happens if you outlive your kid(s) ? Who looks after you then? Also there is no guarantee your kids will look after you when you are older, from what I've seen in families it often falls on one of the siblings rather them all taking on the role.

[Deleted User]

seamus wrote: »

In hindsight, I laugh when people mention nappy changing & sleepless nights and all the rest as barriers to having kids. That seems like a lot of work. It seems like you'll be changing someone else's nappies until you're old enough to be wearing your own.
And sometimes when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's never going to end.

But it actually passes by in the blink of an eye. 3-4 years and then the physically hard bit is over; the child eats normal food, sleeps all night (doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning); uses the toilet and plays on their own without needed constant attention (most of the time).
And you realise not much time has actually passed, you haven't "missed out" on a damn thing.

This is only if a child has not got special needs which can never be assumed. I know a number of families still at this stage with much older children.