nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

wake etiquette

Andy From Sligo

Attended a wake yesterday evening at our neighbours house (well I think thats what you call it where someones just died and they are in the living room with the lid off the coffin) very sad it were, only a young man his whole life ahead of him, only in his 30's used top see him from our back garden and give him a nod and a quick hello and thats about as much as it got. They only moved in about 6 months ago and I was always thinking one day I should get around to chatting to him a bit more and say a proper hello and having a good chat ... but alas never got around to it which is a shame. Real shock that he was taken away too early.

So anyway, me and the mrs called around and paid our condolences to his fiance (so heartbreaking) but today now i am beating myself up over things like whether I put my foot in it by saying the wrong thing (i do have a habit of saying wrong things sometimes, its nerves really and not knowing what to say, and coming out with crap especially in quiet, awkward situations and then thinking what the hell did i say that for!)

Anyway I checked with my mrs afterwards and she said that i was fine and thanked me for coming with her. But we literally must have been there 10 minutes maximum around to the house. We gave our condolences to his Fiance and said how heartbreaking it is then we didnt want to hold up other people paying their condolences to her, we then went and signed a book of condolence and popped a few quid into a envelope of his chosen charity. everyone was being offered drink. I am not a mad drinker myself but there was also tea and coffee on offer. But me and my wife knew nobody else there and my wife just whispered to me to make a move . - its seemed to be mainly family and close friends there I would say.

Anyway so i have eating away at me today that i hope I acted ok and didnt say wrong thing, and the fact that we didnt even stay for longer or for a drink or to toast him - do you think the Fiance and others there will think that a bit off and disrespectful?

I dont even know if we made the right decision to go in, because we are only neighbours, my wife would know her more than me though and has talked to her in the past, and im thinking now maybe we should have dropped a condolence card through the letterbox maybe, but we wanted to pay our respect still.

is there any kind of right way to 'act' when you attend these kind of situations and do you think we were bad for only turning up for 10 minutes and left (I hope we werent and i hope his fiance didnt take it as dis-respectful) - my wife thinks I am just overthinking things and that it was and I was fine.

Find more posts tagged with

death

etiquette

culture

funerals

wake

Quick Links

Comments

Spanish Eyes

Andy you did fine. All that is required is to drop in to offer condolences when you don't know the family or deceased all that well.

They will remember that. What is also remembered is those who didn't bother calling!

Relax, what you did was just right.

Bambi985

Living in the UK now a few years and there's a stark contrast over here in how they handle death. There is no wake, the funeral is anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks after the actual death and is by invite only. All very hush-hush and taboo and "let's pretend it doesn't happen" in general.

The first time I took my ex fella back to Ireland, my Dad ending up taking him to a removal in Co. Mayo of the brother of a guy he used to work with about 20 years back. Loves a good removal, does Dad. An excuse to hop in the car and show him the sights of the wesht of Ireland and sure Jimmy Harrington's brother is dead, we'll pop in and pay our respects while we're in the area. My very British ex was mortified and recited the story to everyone we knew for months after that. It was his first time seeing a dead body too.

Anyway I digress. I agree with Seamus - your presence at these things is all that will be remembered really and will probably give great comfort to the family when they begin to really process their grief in the weeks and months after.

retro:electro

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My dad sometimes talks about what we will do when mammy passes away. He has it all planned out The funeral director, made sure there is enough space in the plot, Jaysus like. I can't stand that kind of talk at all.

My mam always said she wanted a Muslim burial. All over and done with in the one day! And she doesn't want an obituary in the paper for people to be looking at her :pac:

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Andy you did fine. All that is required is to drop in to offer condolences when you don't know the family or deceased all that well.

They will remember that. What is also remembered is those who didn't bother calling!

Relax, what you did was just right.

Fully agree with all that. And certainly you remember who called and who didn't.

Andy, relax. You did everything perfectly.

Spanish Eyes

On another note, when my lovely sister passed away at a relatively young age, she was waked at the funeral home, that was her wish. She said family only, no friends or colleagues, she did not want everyone filing in, looking at her dead in the box and saying how lovely she looked or anything like that!

Her wishes were observed, and there was no mention of which funeral home she was resting in so it was as she wanted.

We had a great reception after the cremation though. She would have loved that bit!

Miss her terribly, but there we are.

[Deleted User]

anna080 wrote: »

My mam always said she wanted a Muslim burial. All over and done with in the one day! And she doesn't want an obituary in the paper for people to be looking at her :pac:

That way there will be a hape of gorgeous men waiting in paradise :pac:

missmatty

My granny says she'll come back to haunt us if we do a eulogy at her funeral, she hates the thought of people 'going up on the altar talking about you'

In saying that, she's already given us detailed instructions for the funeral.

I'm west of Ireland and wakes can be huge affairs all right and we've had quite a few in our house. The best atmosphere is one where it's an elderly person who lived a long life and didn't suffer at the end. Neighbours rally round to clean the house and do the tea, drink and food and they are amazing. The recent book 'My Father's Wake' by Kevin Toolis really captured the atmosphere of west of Ireland wakes and funerals, it's a really interesting read.

castletownman

My grandfather passed away not even a month ago.

The whole community feel of the two day house wake, and the numbers that attended the funeral home part of the wake, made me immensely proud of the high esteem people held for him. I will never forget either my neighbour making the 3 hour trip from Wexford to Galway just to pay his respects.

Strangely enough, the GF's granny died this week, and the shoe was on the other foot, in that I felt I had to make myself available. While that literally meant bringing the dog for a walk, picking up the odd thing from the shop or whatever, I knew me on hand to do the arbitrary things was appreciated.

It's often joked about how the Irish "love a good funeral" but I truly believe it brings out the good in people. And trust me, making an effort to pay your respects means a lot to those grieving. Be it a fleeting visit, tea and sandwich making duty, or even the odd comic relief.

We can be proud of our community spirit in times of mourning.

ChippingSodbury

castletownman wrote: »

My grandfather passed away not even a month ago.

The whole community feel of the two day house wake, and the numbers that attended the funeral home part of the wake, made me immensely proud of the high esteem people held for him. I will never forget either my neighbour making the 3 hour trip from Wexford to Galway just to pay his respects.

Strangely enough, the GF's granny died this week, and the shoe was on the other foot, in that I felt I had to make myself available. While that literally meant bringing the dog for a walk, picking up the odd thing from the shop or whatever, I knew me on hand to do the arbitrary things was appreciated.

It's often joked about how the Irish "love a good funeral" but I truly believe it brings out the good in people. And trust me, making an effort to pay your respects means a lot to those grieving. Be it a fleeting visit, tea and sandwich making duty, or even the odd comic relief.

We can be proud of our community spirit in times of mourning.

Well said, young man!

Neyite

Yeah, auld folk are probably more pragmatic and often have great dark humour.

One very elderly man at the last family funeral came up to shake the hand of the widow of his old friend at the graveside and looked down at the coffin, and said "well, tis barely worth me while leaving here at all" with a bit of a wink at us and it was really funny.

At another funeral a sibling was at, people were filing out of the graveyard and a tourist stopped an old man and asked "excuse me sir, do people get buried here often?" well, he sucked on his pipe for a bit then answered in a thick country accent "Only the once" and shuffled on.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

On another note, when my lovely sister passed away at a relatively young age, she was waked at the funeral home, that was her wish. She said family only, no friends or colleagues, she did not want everyone filing in, looking at her dead in the box and saying how lovely she looked or anything like that!

Her wishes were observed, and there was no mention of which funeral home she was resting in so it was as she wanted.

We had a great reception after the cremation though. She would have loved that bit!

Miss her terribly, but there we are.

Sorry to hear about your sister, Spanish eyes.

I used be in the same position as your sister but now I'd be more agreeing with ChippingSodbury, it's a great comfort and relief to the family when someone come in and takes over the tea and sandwich duties and starts telling tales about the deceased.

We had a funny story about my grandfathers funeral when my father died. My grandfather had lost an eye when he was young and used wear a glass eye.

Now, the glass eyes were fairly fragile and would break easily when dropped and my grandfather used keep them in a glass of water beside the bed at night and pop them in every morning. They used come in boxes of 12 so they were frequently broke when he used fumble putting them in or knock the glass containing the eye off the dresser.

Anyway, my grandfather had just put in the first glass eye out of a new box when he died and there was much discussion over keeping the box or returning the complete box with one freshly washed eye. It was finally decided to bury him with the box of 11 eyes and his last one left in place.

It was decided to bury my father in the family tomb and my uncle, the joker, decided that just before the cleaning out of the tomb was the correct time to tell this story to the guy whose job it was to clean out the tomb. He was telling me in the graveyard after the closing of the tomb that he was petrified of coming across one of the glass eyes in case it was the one left in my grandfathers eye when buried.

I have to admit it was the hardest I ever laughed in a graveyard and I treasure that story, my father would have loved to be telling that one in the pub with a pint of a Saturday night:)

Spanish Eyes

Buford T. Justice V wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your sister, Spanish eyes.

We had a funny story about my grandfathers funeral when my father died. My grandfather had lost an eye when he was young and used wear a glass eye.

I have to admit it was the hardest I ever laughed in a graveyard and I treasure that story, my father would have loved to be telling that one in the pub with a pint of a Saturday night:)

Great story, but I'd never be able for you and your "tombs" Sorry don't mean to offend but tombs are unusual....

Delphinium

You did just right. The people you barely know staying all day are a pest. Your visit will be appreciated and there will come a time in the future when the books of condolences will be perused and you will be noted then again. Relax in future and just be yourself.

Kerrydude1981

My dad passed away during the summer,he wasnt waked at home but we had a busy house for a few days with relations,neighbours and friends calling to see us,I found it a great help at the time and got strength from it you could say,

Of course it was a sad time for our family but it there was great humour over them few days recalling old stories about Dad

So OP you did the right thing calling around to your neighbours so dont be beating yourself up over it.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Bambi985 wrote: »

Living in the UK now a few years and there's a stark contrast over here in how they handle death. There is no wake, the funeral is anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks after the actual death and is by invite only. All very hush-hush and taboo and "let's pretend it doesn't happen" in general.

The first time I took my ex fella back to Ireland, my Dad ending up taking him to a removal in Co. Mayo of the brother of a guy he used to work with about 20 years back. Loves a good removal, does Dad. An excuse to hop in the car and show him the sights of the wesht of Ireland and sure Jimmy Harrington's brother is dead, we'll pop in and pay our respects while we're in the area. My very British ex was mortified and recited the story to everyone we knew for months after that. It was his first time seeing a dead body too.

Anyway I digress. I agree with Seamus - your presence at these things is all that will be remembered really and will probably give great comfort to the family when they begin to really process their grief in the weeks and months after.

I hate their customs surrounding death. So cold and formal.

When I die I don't want to be stored in a freezer for 6 weeks. I want to be buried within 3 days.

Just a good traditional Irish Funeral. A nice mixture of heavy drinking and Catholicism.

Rubberchikken

Guaranteed no one remembers things at these times. They're too engulfed in grief.
Your going was fine. Short visit. Say your sympathies. Go.
Nothing more to do.

Robsweezie

above all, remember it's beloved aunt,not beloved C UNT

jmayo

Bambi985 wrote: »

Living in the UK now a few years and there's a stark contrast over here in how they handle death. There is no wake, the funeral is anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks after the actual death and is by invite only. All very hush-hush and taboo and "let's pretend it doesn't happen" in general.

The first time I took my ex fella back to Ireland, my Dad ending up taking him to a removal in Co. Mayo of the brother of a guy he used to work with about 20 years back. Loves a good removal, does Dad. An excuse to hop in the car and show him the sights of the wesht of Ireland and sure Jimmy Harrington's brother is dead, we'll pop in and pay our respects while we're in the area.

So that funny very embarrased English lad at Franky Harringtons wake was your fellow.
Shure we haven't stopped talking about him since.
BTW it was good move to ditch him.

anna080 wrote: »

My mam always said she wanted a Muslim burial. All over and done with in the one day! And she doesn't want an obituary in the paper for people to be looking at her :pac:

Just so long as she doesn't go for the sometimes preferred method of death things wont be so bad.

OP you should be grand so long as you don't say, as two old biddies were once heard saying whilst lookin in at the corpse, "We never saw him lookin so good".

BTW you will now have to start listening to the deaths on Ocean FM and better still on MidWest to broaden your horizons.

Spanish Eyes

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

I hate their customs surrounding death. So cold and formal.

When I die I don't want to be stored in a freezer for 6 weeks. I want to be buried within 3 days.

Just a good traditional Irish Funeral. A nice mixture of heavy drinking and Catholicism.

I know funerals in Britain take forever to happen, but in fairness it has one advantage, it gives relatives/friends time to book a reasonably priced flight over for it and plan childcare and time off work etc.

When someone dies here, (it may be delayed a day or so to enable those from US or OZ to arrive), it happens within days really, but often those closer i.e Britain have to make arrangements the day before and it can be VERY expensive for them.

One thing I don't get with UK funerals, the bereaved have to continue day to day life i.e. work and so on for weeks after the death, then have the funeral.

But it is a different country with different rules and regs re registration of the death and so on.

In many ways we are fortunate that the funeral directors here look after everything for us, and within two to three days too. I don't know if fortunate is the right word, but I hope you all understand what I mean.

jmayo

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

I hate their customs surrounding death. So cold and formal.

When I die I don't want to be stored in a freezer for 6 weeks. I want to be buried within 3 days.

Just a good traditional Irish Funeral. A nice mixture of heavy drinking and Catholicism.

What about at Christmas or Easter.
They'll have to stretch it a couple of days.

tommy2bad

jmayo wrote: »

What about at Christmas or Easter.
They'll have to stretch it a couple of days.

AIUI Easter Sunday is the only day a funeral cant be celebrated in a church. I've been to funerals on Christmas day and Stephens day.

jmayo

tommy2bad wrote: »

AIUI Easter Sunday is the only day a funeral cant be celebrated in a church. I've been to funerals on Christmas day and Stephens day.

Ah but how can you have a funeral on Christmas day?

The pubs aren't open.

wakka12

I think it was a lovely gesture of you to go over even though you didnt really know each other well. You were just neighbours, just a condolence and show of face was all that was needed and Im sure the fiance appreciated every single person that dropped by .
I would also have felt awkward staying any longer than that if I was in your position and it was mainly family there

ablelocks

heard this author on the radio a few months back, and he spoke very movingly about how the wake and the support of the community helped him and his family...

i think we have a more pragmatic attitude to death because of wakes and being close to the deceased does help the family and it's somehow good for the people who attend...even if they're not close relations or friends.

it could be an age thing, but the oldies do seem to love a good funeral. My mother told myself and my wife one evening before a wake to "have fun, make sure ye stay for the chat"!

Agricola

I'd echo what others have said. You did exactly right by making it a fleeting visit. In my experience, if wake and funeral go-ers showed a little more awareness of what's best for the bereaved, everyone bar the immediate family would try to make themselves scarce reasonably soon after arriving. Too many people love a good wake and never know when to go.

[Deleted User]

You did great OP- well done!

What you did was not quite "wake" the deceased- you paid your respects. But the family and close relatives and possibly friends may have "waked" the deceased through sitting around for hours telling stories etc It's a way to slow down the very rapid grieving process that we seem to experience more and more
Waking is a very good way to start dealing with the grieving process.

you and your wife were part of that waking process- their waking process- and that helped the family experience the support that is so important in such situations. you did everything right, and nothing wrong.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Great story, but I'd never be able for you and your "tombs" Sorry don't mean to offend but tombs are unusual....

I know what you mean, I found it kinda strange myself but take no notice anymore.

It was a bit surreal standing where a couple of generations of your family were buried but that section of the graveyard, the oldest, is all tombs and all bar one or two would have had burials in the last 15-20 years.

corner of hells

You did fine OP.

It was all going well at my father's wake until my four year old neice walked past wearing his old flat cap that he was to buried with.

mickrock

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMLwT1LXFAU

DEFTLEFTHAND

jmayo wrote: »

What about at Christmas or Easter.
They'll have to stretch it a couple of days.

They'll work around it, my granny died on the 20th of December last year and her funeral mass and burial occured on xmas eve.

Xmas Day, Easter Sunday and Good Friday are the only days which a Funeral Mass cannot occur.