nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

One eyed Jack

irelandrover wrote: »

these are not just expressing an opinion.

In fairness, they're just expressing an opinion alright. Whether Nox, or anyone else for that matter, actually takes them seriously or not, is another matter entirely. They're expressing what does and doesn't work for them, but that's just it - it works or doesn't work for them, other people's opinions and experiences clearly differ.

[Deleted User]

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

There is a big difference between what you are interpreting and what I actually said if you read the post I addressed this with you already.

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Oh, I am guessing it would work fine for Nox, however for his partner it sounds miserable.

Why do you assume its not a mutual decision to manage finances this way? If it wasn't it obviously wouldn't work.

Electric Sheep

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

There is a big difference between what you are interpreting and what I actually said if you read the post I addressed this with you already.

Why do you assume its not a mutual decision to work things this way? If it wasn't it obviously wouldn't work.

You don't have kids yet. You may well find your partner is not happy with the situation when you do. Fortunately for her, you are giving it a trial run before marriage, so it probably won't be an issue.

Widdershins

irelandrover wrote: »

For all you know your partner has a secret bank account as well. Which could have a secret credit card attached.

For all anyone knows their partner could be leading a double life and have a second family or when they go out to work in the morning they could really be a hit man, assassinating people for thousands of euro when they're supposed to be working in an office job. When you share much of your life and try to be fair and honest with each other there isn't much need or room for paranoia. The only person I've known with a secret account was a woman who had it as an escape fund because she didn't trust her partner. And she was a stay at home parent, he was a high earner who wasn't big on sharing with her anyway.

pilly

irelandrover wrote: »

Most of the last few pages have been telling him it wont work with marriage or kids.

Why do you feel the need to defend someone well able to defend themselves?

I agree with you though on the point that this is not what the thread was initially about.

whatdoicare

It's a bit unworkable though - sure it'll work while everything is hunky dorey and no kids and no health concerns but life has a way of messing that all up.

In my own marriage we started out on equal footing with great high paying jobs, just after we bought our house the hubby lost his job, then got a lesser paying one, then we were grand again because he took on extra jobs on his days off.

That worked great for a while and we got married. Then I lost my job and it took a year to get another one. I was literally two months into the job when I found out I was pregnant, just about made it in time to pass my probation period and just by the skin of my teeth got my maternity government benefit. Which was little more than the dole really. I had health problems after the birth too, so I was forced to take unpaid leave for a few months extra.

Struggled away with that and then just as I was getting ready to go back to work the company went into liquidation. So I was left with zero money for a while as all my credits were gone and my husband made too much for me to get unemployment. At the same time the hubby had to give up his second job because he physically couldnt do it anymore and he also wanted time with his child.

So, this is life. Things are grand again now but that was a shakey five years where if we were doing the 50/50 thing I would have had zero money to put into that pot for a long time!

On the other side of things, my husband is absolutely dismal at finances, he spends money without thinking of bills he has to keep money for. He is just a disaster. I took over (with his agreement, of course) all his finances and make sure that all bills are paid, debts are sorted and money is put aside for emergencies and diy etc and also that there is leisure money for us to go out or holidays or whatever we want to do. I can do that easily while he struggles to do that and often left himself short for money. When things were very tight for us money wise I had to do a fair bit of juggling. I also helped him clear a huge debt he had since he was in college that he was barely paying at all.

Separate finances just wouldnt work in this situation, I was able to give himself my credits to help us make more money when we were on one income and if I hadnt known about his huge debt and been able to clear it for him, it would still be hanging over us and messing up our credit rating, we would never have gotten our mortgage!

I just can't see how you can work it any other way....sure when we were first together and had only ourselves to look out for and the option of walking away whenever, then it was ideal but not once things get serious and kids come along, then it gets messy and awkward.

Cyrus

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Why aren't you both working less to accommodate the creche pickups and drop offs? Surely that would make more sense?

because i make a lot more money and have more scope to make more money at the moment.

and i do the drop offs, my wife goes in very early say 7.30 and leaves around 5 and i goto work for 9 and leave and 7/8

its not sustainable long term though

irelandrover

pilly wrote: »

Why do you feel the need to defend someone well able to defend themselves?

I agree with you though on the point that this is not what the thread was initially about.

I'm not defending him. I don't agree with how he deals with money in a relationship. But i'm not going to tell him he's wrong either or when he grows up he'll realise that his current way of doing things is wrong. It obviously works for his relationshi pnow.

I was just curious, why are so many people wanting to tell him he's wrong. Its baically been the last few pages of the thread.

Electric Sheep

Widdershins wrote: »

For all anyone knows their partner could be leading a double life and have a second family or when they go out to work in the morning they could really be a hit man, assassinating people for thousands of euro when they're supposed to be working in an office job. When you share much of your life and try to be fair and honest with each other there isn't much need or room for paranoia. The only person I've known with a secret account was a woman who had it as an escape fund because she didn't trust her partner. And she was a stay at home parent, he was a high earner who wasn't big on sharing with her anyway.

You'd be surprised. I know a woman whose husband of nearly 20 years gambled away every penny they had, including remortgaging their house, all behind her back. She found out after he committed suicide. She had no idea that he had emptied all their bank accounts, investments, etc. Hard to believe, but it does happen. Maybe less likely in these days of online banking, but still possible.

My husband never checks our bank accounts, that is "my job". He deposits money and calls it good. I could be carrying out all kind of fraud/dodgy practice/siphoning off money for drugs and he wouldn't know. He has the user name and password for our online banking, he just doesn't ever check it.

Widdershins

Wouldn't you almost have to deliberately hide paperwork like the P60s to have secret income anyway. I hadn't seen your comment Electric Sheep..good point..hmm

0ph0rce0

I really don't think if n0x has kids he's going to say here's half the money love for some clothes and food you can buy them for the child next year when you get your half.

Electric Sheep

Cyrus wrote: »

because i make a lot more money and have more scope to make more money at the moment.

and i do the drop offs, my wife goes in very early say 7.30 and leaves around 5 and i goto work for 9 and leave and 7/8

its not sustainable long term though

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

.......

This post has been deleted.

pilly

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

Very low blow there, no need for that. Comes across as quite bitter. He was merely saying that's the way they have things set up for now.

One eyed Jack

....... wrote: »

Now - how does this relate to the OP? Well, her husband seems to think the same way as Nox. Whats his is his and its fine for him to spend it on drink and neglect his family with all day drinking sessions.

Its important for the OP that she sees that this is not the correct way for someone in a marriage to be thinking. Neither on the drinking or the money.

Not the correct way for someone in a marriage to be thinking?

nox, report to your nearest adjustment bureau to have your thinking corrected immediately. Your thinking like many, many other couples I know is incorrect. I'll have to go tell them too that their thinking is incorrect.

Or, I could just acknowledge that whatever their set-up works for them and there's no right nor wrong thinking about it.

meeeeh

irelandrover wrote: »

I was just curious, why are so many people wanting to tell him he's wrong. Its baically been the last few pages of the thread.

I don't think there is wrong on right arrangement, most of us adapt as we go. It's more thant his system has potential to be extremely unfair if people stick to it no matter how the circumstances change. Similar arrangements are quite often subject of threads in PI for a good reason. It works perfectly fine if incomes are similar. And even then, what happens if one person is gifted a site for a house, does that mean the other person has to pay more of the mortgage until the contribution becomes more 50/50.

Splitting something in half is certainly the fairest arrangement in a house share, it's rarely the fairest arrangement in a family.

Cyrus

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

we discussed it together, looked at our finances and made a decision together based on what we both want out of life and what will work best for our family.

when our daughter starts school my wife would like for one of us to be able to collect her and help with homework etc, and she would prefer it was her if possible.

So my focus is to earn enough money to make that possible and she is trying to help me achieve that. regardless of what i earn and what she earns we will both have the same disposable income.

it was a decision we came to together.

so while it wont work for her career wise it will work for her life wise and thats what she would like.

[Deleted User]

Electric Sheep wrote: »

My husband never checks our bank accounts, that is "my job". He deposits money and calls it good. I could be carrying out all kind of fraud/dodgy practice/siphoning off money for drugs and he wouldn't know. He has the user name and password for our online banking, he just doesn't ever check it.

I think its because I'm the polar opposite to your husband that I like my way of managing finances. I would check my own bank a/c which only I have access to about 2 or 3 times per day (even though I know nothing will have changed) and check my credit card account at least once a day.

0ph0rce0

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I think its because I'm the polar opposite to your husband that I like my way of
managing finances. I would check my own bank a/c which only I have access to about 2 or 3 times per day (even though I know nothing will have changed) and check my credit card account at least once a day.

Gotta love those Zeros

meeeeh

In general I don't think forced equality is the best solution in most cases. Expecting parents to do equal amount of parenting is just as daft as expectation to contribute equally financially. Mostly we just adapt to whatever works the best for family.

[Deleted User]

Electric Sheep wrote: »

You'd be surprised. I know a woman whose husband of nearly 20 years gambled away every penny they had, including remortgaging their house, all behind her back. She found out after he committed suicide. She had no idea that he had emptied all their bank accounts, investments, etc. Hard to believe, but it does happen. Maybe less likely in these days of online banking, but still possible.

My husband never checks our bank accounts, that is "my job". He deposits money and calls it good. I could be carrying out all kind of fraud/dodgy practice/siphoning off money for drugs and he wouldn't know. He has the user name and password for our online banking, he just doesn't ever check it.

It happens.

I've a relative who was married for 20 years .

As soon as he was made redundant, his wife, and the mother of his three kids had an affair with someone with secure employment.

When his redundancy payment was lodged in their joint account, (somewhere around 30k, I think!) she withdrew every penny of it to help her boyfriend build them a house.

The first he knew of it was when he went to withdraw some money for food, only to find he didn't have the price of a carton of milk to his name...

No matter how well you know someone, it's generally a good idea to check on the finances an odd time.

Having said that - guess who always took care of the bills and accounts in our house?:D:D
And has the pin for every one of the kids bank cards? (That's only because I would sometimes lodge or withdraw money for them if they need it, though!)

[Deleted User]

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Gotta love those Zeros

I've caught fraud on my account one or twice before the bank even noticed because if it.

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

How many times do I have to say that it's not active refusal its just not something that's discussed in detail because why would it, as outside of shared expenses each of our money is our own. Obviously we have a good idea of our financial positions and there would be no issue furnishing statements etc if going for a mortgage etc.

RuMan

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

I'd dispute that.
I'm doubtful if its ever better for kids to have both parents working high level full time jobs.
My wife gave up full time work and a friend gave up and his wife works full time. Both still do some part time consultancy work. Luckily their skills are in demand.

In most cases the 2nd salary is just going on the mortgage. Better if people just bought the houses they can afford in the 1st place.

(The phrase "a better lifestyle" rings alarm bells with me.)

0ph0rce0

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I've caught fraud on my account one or twice before the bank even noticed because if it.

I do the same myself. A few years back I got an email to say I ordered 7 Samsung Galaxy S4 phones from amazon.

I only needed 6 so I knew something was up

Check it everyday now.

.......

This post has been deleted.

[Deleted User]

RuMan wrote: »

(The phrase "a better lifestyle" rings alarm bells with me.)

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Cyrus

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

wait until you are in a situation where you have two people working their asses off and a baby in creche 10 hours a day and see how nice a lifestyle it is

pilly

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

Kids should be an addition to your life?? Really nox, I'm convinced that you're trolling now.

0ph0rce0

pilly wrote: »

Kids should be an addition to your life?? Really nox, I'm convinced that you're trolling now.

I think he means just because you have kids that doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying life and your money as you please.

If you have a enough time and money to do both I see no problem with that.