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Didnt get the shift at a wedding

JimmysCar

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

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Jimbob1977

You need to ask the bride and groom for a rebate on your gift.

Here's how a €100 gift breaks down:

Plate cost: €40

Gift: €5

Shift: €55

I propose you send them an invoice for €55 under the 'Sale of Goods and Supply of Services Act 1981'

[Deleted User]

There's no much point in wearing the best suit, the pointiest shoes, and whatever else, if you're an ugly c*nt regardless.

A skunk in a suit is still a skunk.

JimmysCar

I even told me best joke about the couple in the nursing home. Whats wrong with all the phillys these days?

ablelocks

JimmysCar wrote: »

Whats wrong with all the phillys these days?

there's your problem right there - you've been trying to shift baseball players.

you're lucky they didn't think you said lube conditioner and shake their big, shiny bat at you!

Arthur.beaker

super_furry wrote: »

Smell of want off ya!

More like the smell of benji I'd say.

ThinkProgress

JimmysCar wrote: »

I thought me auld animal magetism would be enough. I'm old fashioned and prefer the lovely ladies to make the first move. No point in going to all that effort to make meself look well and then have to put in all the ground work to get meself a lovely lady. Me pre-wedding-grooming ritual shoudlve been enough.

Ha, effort... you're right sure enough. Sure what would ya be doin putting effort in? :pac:

Work away! :cool:

Liam McPoyle

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

You must be hideous looking.

Summer wind

What you should've done was request a love song such as Mr Loverman by the great Shabba Ranks. Then sit about 3 seats away from a lovely lady at the bar. Once you've identified what she's drinking get the barman to send her over a fresh drink. Then when she looks over at you lick your lips slowly and sexily. You won't need to say anything because your hot fit bod will do all that and more. Then just wait for the magic to happen. The fact that you got jiggy at a wedding will add that extra sparkle.

jester77

Did you approach any women while there? From the tone of your post, it sounds like it was the type of setup where the women were on one side of the room and the men were on the other. Did no one make a break for it and venture across?

gifted

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

Jaysus this is lovely reading...even I want to meet you...and I've three kids plus herself lol lol

JOBSOXO

At least you have a sense of humour. ( I hope) Not like all the Turds dishing abuse at you.

Call Me Jimmy

Deleted User wrote: »

There's no much point in wearing the best suit, the pointiest shoes, and whatever else, if you're an ugly c*nt regardless.

A skunk in a suit is still a skunk.

What is a skunk after a rinse of pube conditioner though? Surely a god?

Day Lewin

Pointy shoes? Smell of conditioner?

Sorry, OP: you are hitting the wrong note. Sounds like some sort of gigolo get-up and the ladies may have thought they'd have to pay for your services.

Try looking like the sturdy, self-reliant type: Broad rough hands, plain shoes, friendly smile. Say "ma'am" and "sir".

Try it, and report back. Watching with interest.

Realt Dearg Sec

There are a worrying number of people on this thread who don't seem to realise he's joking...

JimmysCar

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

You gotta stand in the corner, lookin a bit "dangerous"...

Every now and then, give your phone a glance. Go outside, perhaps even make a phone call or two...

You want to give people the general impression that you are important and this particular function is a bit of an inconvenience to you and your important life... A slight demeanour of boredom. (Of course it helps if you actually are important, then there's no need to fake it) :P

Catch the eye of someone you fancy. But then quickly look away... If you're lucky and not a total minger, they might find you intriguing and decide to investigate further.

Most of us need confirmation and reassurance that we are attractive to other people. By acting bored, slightly disinterested and only giving fleeting subtle glances, you are introducing ambiguity...

A person's naturally inquisitive mind will often compel them to clear up this ambiguity. (Even if they're not sure whether they like you, they still may subconsciously want the reassurance and ego boost of knowing they are attractive)

The longer you can keep that ambiguity going, the better chance you have. Of course it all hinges on whether you can successfully hide your desperation at close quarters...

If the pointy shoes tell me anything, it's that you are probably dressed a bit like a peacock... So from a visual standpoint, this advice might be fairly useless for you! :P

It's best to let the ladies do the fancy dressing... As a man, it's not wise to look like you're attempting to compete with them in that dept. (just my opinion)

Fancy a spin in jimmy's car??!?! Will leave the pointy shoes in the boot (i live in me car)

Fuzzytrooper

ThinkProgress wrote: »

You did it all wrong OP. Always ask yourself in these situations, what would James Bond do? lol

That advice will get you nowhere. I always live by the rule, if I don't know what to do I ask myself what would Robocop do in this situation? Your move creep!

SeaFields

kneemos wrote: »

https://www.amazon.com/Wildfire-Silky-Pubes-Conditioner-Ounce/dp/B004KI709M#

I stand corrected!!

Kamili

Urgh, were you that guy pretending he's James bond, drunk as hell, leering at every girl that dares walk near the dance floor like a piece of meat..

There's always one at a wedding, every girl in the place sees him and says to her friends to avoid.

suicide_circus

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/rejects.gif

Fluffy Cat 88

JimmysCar wrote: »

Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

Shoulda went to the mart op. :P

Side Gate

Did they play the national anthem at the end of the night OP that's all i want to know.

Ericdravancrow

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Don't be stupid, women love lads in elf shoes and pube conditioner.

"Airtricity Shoes"

For ever odd

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

Is that you grandpa? You know grandma will hit the roof if she finds out again.

Poor Uncle Tom

JimmysCar wrote: »

Put on my best suit, had the closest shave ever, washed my balls (used some special pube conditioner), clipped my nails, put on my pointiest shoes, even praticed my best dance moves before. Didn't even get meself a heifer. Nothing. Gave it everything I had on the dancefloor. Sure I was the pick of the litter. No idea what I did wrong. Ended up in bed all alone in the hotel. What could have gone wrong?

It might help Jimmy if you tried it on with some people outside of your family circle......:p

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

It might help Jimmy if you tried it on with some people outside of your family circle......:p

Maybe he's from Roscommon though

Seth Brundle

I'd say that all the women there were intimidated by the pointy shoes and sweet smelling pubes. So much so that they were too nervous to make a move.
Either that or they were all lesbians!

Shint0

kbannon wrote: »

I'd say that all the women there were intimidated by the pointy shoes and sweet smelling pubes. So much so that they were too nervous to make a move.
Either that or they were all lesbians!

It definitely had to be the sweet smelling pubes. He was masking the pheromones. He might as well have put a sign on his forehead saying 'Celibate'.

indioblack

Remember Trigger from Only Fools and Horses?
"Hello, darlin', where you bin all my life"?
"P**s off."
"I always use that line with the birds".
"Why?"
"I dunno - it's never worked".

Arthur.beaker

At least you didn't get the sh1its, OP. That would have been far worse than not getting the shift.

indioblack

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I believe women avoid the scent of desperation

It's been my experience that when your desperate you don't get anywhere.
And when you play hard to get - you still don't get anywhere.
There's a nugget of wisdom in there, somewhere - but I'm damned if I've ever been able to find it!