Being bi

Aishae · 18-10-2011 5:02pm #1

I don't identify as bi now but I did once upon a time and so when I see bi-phobia 'bi doesn't exist' etc it annoys me that this still exists.

I've been wondering about things I've seen on other threads. 'im bi but in a gay relationship' type of thing.

I know that it's a good description of your current relationship situation.
But it got me thinking. Even if you're a woman seeing a bloke you're still bi. People assume you're straight though.

Is it just a useful description or is it a common perception that if you're bi you are gay or straight depending on who you're with?

Also: I've come across the asumption (elsewhere) that if you're bi, then your gf/bf must also be bi. Seems a strange one, that. Unless you're bi and just prefer a bi gf/bf.

I'm just genuinely curious

baby and crumble · 18-10-2011 5:22pm

Well, my GF is bisexual, and I'll be the first to admit it freaked me out when we first got together. I would be the first to say "ah, but sure you're really gay, like, really though..." and slag her about guys she found attractive. Luckily, I grew up. (ish

)

I can't say that I don't occasionally get jealous when I hear her talking about spending time with guys i don't know (god bless the issues in long distance relationships...). And I'll be honest, I am more worried that she'll leave me for a man rather than another woman, if she were to leave me for anyone. But that's down more to my own arrogance- in my head it's unlikely she'd find a better woman for her, but in some ways I 'can't compete' with a guy the same way.

But I know she gets irritated that people see her as a lesbian, because she's in a long term same sex relationship, and engaged to boot. People get weirded out when she talks about her exes being both male and female. People REALLY get surprised when she drools over both the main characters on Bones! (Neither of which I really understand, but hey! Each to their own)

I do remember a bisexual guy getting off with her (before we got together) and then me having to listen to him call his boyfriend to tell him he'd be home soon. When I questioned him, he told me that "it doesn't count" if it's with a girl.

:rolleyes:

TBH I was madder that he managed to score her that night and I didn't.

Goodshape · 18-10-2011 5:52pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

I do remember a bisexual guy getting off with her (before we got together) and then me having to listen to him call his boyfriend to tell him he'd be home soon. When I questioned him, he told me that "it doesn't count" if it's with a girl.

Excluding the possibility they have an agreed upon "open" relationship, that guy's an asshole.

Aishae wrote:

But it got me thinking. Even if you're a woman seeing a bloke you're still bi. People assume you're straight though.

Is it just a useful description or is it a common perception that if you're bi you are gay or straight depending on who you're with?

Sometimes useful description, sometimes ignorance, I'd say. Definitely a lot of people who seem to think being bisexual is just not having made up your mind yet.

baby and crumble · 18-10-2011 5:57pm

Goodshape wrote: »

Excluding the possibility they have an agreed upon "open" relationship, that guy's an asshole.

Oh trust me, he was. In every single other way possible.

apache · 18-10-2011 6:35pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

Well, my GF is bisexual, and I'll be the first to admit it freaked me out when we first got together. I would be the first to say "ah, but sure you're really gay, like, really though..." and slag her about guys she found attractive. Luckily, I grew up. (ish )

I can't say that I don't occasionally get jealous when I hear her talking about spending time with guys i don't know (god bless the issues in long distance relationships...). And I'll be honest, I am more worried that she'll leave me for a man rather than another woman, if she were to leave me for anyone. But that's down more to my own arrogance- in my head it's unlikely she'd find a better woman for her, but in some ways I 'can't compete' with a guy the same way.

But I know she gets irritated that people see her as a lesbian, because she's in a long term same sex relationship, and engaged to boot. People get weirded out when she talks about her exes being both male and female. People REALLY get surprised when she drools over both the main characters on Bones! (Neither of which I really understand, but hey! Each to their own)

I do remember a bisexual guy getting off with her (before we got together) and then me having to listen to him call his boyfriend to tell him he'd be home soon. When I questioned him, he told me that "it doesn't count" if it's with a girl.

:rolleyes:

TBH I was madder that he managed to score her that night and I didn't.

if you were married and obviously in an exclusive relationship (just work with me here) and she obviously still identified as bi (because she is) would that be ok with you? would anything change?

i would like to hear your thoughts on that.

baby and crumble · 18-10-2011 8:13pm

apache wrote: »

if you were married and obviously in an exclusive relationship (just work with me here) and she obviously still identified as bi (because she is) would that be ok with you? would anything change?

i would like to hear your thoughts on that.

Of course it would be ok with me. First of all, her sexual identity is hers to define as she wishes. Secondly, I am not in any way one of those girls who for some unknown reason thinks that my partner shouldn't fancy anyone but me in the course of their lives. To think that is (IMHO) incredibly niaive. Just as I am free to find other women attractive, she is free to find other women and men attractive. We have our boundaries that we have negotiated with each other throughout our 8 years together. Once those are not overstepped, we can fancy whoever we want. SO long as we come home to each other, that's all that matters.

stephen_n · 18-10-2011 8:19pm

The assumption is either based on the concept of emotional cannibalism i.e. This hollywood BS that two become one and that relationships should somehow consume individuals and spit out some morphed beings connected by some psychically linked shared personality! Or else it's just plain ignorance and intolerance by people who should know better and cry about being accepted as what they are but won't afford that to people who are different than them!

jaffacakesyum · 18-10-2011 8:23pm

I haven't experienced that much biphobia, bar a few times on this forum, but that's probably because I'm not out as a bisexual yet

But if I were out and, for example, in a long term relationship with a woman, it would p1ss me off if people refused to accept that I am bi. If you're bisexual (and not just bi curious) then being in a relationship with either sex isn't going to make you straight or gay. Sure, sexuality can be fluid but I'm bisexual and it's NOT because I'm indecisive and NOT because I'm 'selfish'

I really don't understand the 'bi girls will cheat on you and leave you for a man' thing either. If someones going to cheat on you, it could be with either sex. If someones a cheater, they're a cheater regardless of their sexuality. Being bi has nothing to do with it.

ronnie88 · 18-10-2011 9:33pm

I'm a bi girl, currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend but increasingly as i get older i feel i need to be recognised as bi. Not because its a rebellion thing or that i have Commitment issues but im not straight i am attracted to women i can relate to my gay friends. I have been relationships with other girls and they have influenced the person i am today so i don't think its right to ignore that side of me just because im now in straight relationship. I feel the straight label doesn't fit and thankfully iv reached a stage where I'm happy to be bi and need this to not be dismissed.

If this rant makes any sense........

OakeyDokey · 18-10-2011 9:49pm

ronnie88 wrote: »

I'm a bi girl, currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend but increasingly as i get older i feel i need to be recognised as bi. Not because its a rebellion thing or that i have Commitment issues but im not straight i am attracted to women i can relate to my gay friends. I have been relationships with other girls and they have influenced the person i am today so i don't think its right to ignore that side of me just because im now in straight relationship. I feel the straight label doesn't fit and thankfully iv reached a stage where I'm happy to be bi and need this to not be dismissed.

If this rant makes any sense........

Completely agree with you, it's like your in my head.

I'm also in a serious relationship for the past 5 years with a man and although I have also had relationships with women in the past a lot of people can't seem to get their head around what being bisexual is.

Despite me explaining my sexual orientation to friends they still believe that I used to be a lesbian but am now straight. It can be quite annoying how people look at you while having a chat about this kind of topic but I've learnt to take it all with a pinch of salt. I know who I am and I'm happy with it, my OH is happy and my family are too.

apache · 19-10-2011 9:06pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

Of course it would be ok with me. First of all, her sexual identity is hers to define as she wishes. Secondly, I am not in any way one of those girls who for some unknown reason thinks that my partner shouldn't fancy anyone but me in the course of their lives. To think that is (IMHO) incredibly niaive. Just as I am free to find other women attractive, she is free to find other women and men attractive. We have our boundaries that we have negotiated with each other throughout our 8 years together. Once those are not overstepped, we can fancy whoever we want. SO long as we come home to each other, that's all that matters.

thanks for the reply. yeah it would be the same as a married man looking at other women. just a bit of window shopping yeah?
i was just interested in your response. cheers.

_Beau_ · 20-10-2011 2:06am

The reaction that I've gotten from men (not romantic partners) when I've disclosed the fact that I'm bi has always been the same, "Oh, you're up for anything so". That irritates me.

Has anyone else come across that, this notion that a woman who is bi is a bit of a "goer"? (their word, not mine)

OneArt · 20-10-2011 4:04pm

With regards to biphobia and bisexual erasure, I've gotten a lot. Technically I regard myself as asexual, but I have romantic feelings for both genders. I've been in relationships with both, but whenever I'm with a guy people just assume I'm gay and it does bother me a little bit. After I got out of a relationship with a guy I made a remark to a not-so-close friend about a girl in our class. They just went, "Aren't you gay?"

It still bugs me considerably! I've also noticed that people tend to assume you're gay if you don't show interest in the opposite gender, which happens to me a lot. BUT I don't usually show interest in any gender, but no one ever considers any other options.

Like other posters have said I think sexuality is fluid, but most people (particularly those who are exclusively straight or gay) have a very narrow, black-and-white view of it. One friend of mine told me she didn't believe in bisexuality, "There's just gay and straight." I responded by telling her well how would she know? She's straight so how can she speak for anyone else?

In spite of all this, a couple of my friends are also bisexual or have tendencies (most stick to the opposite gender), and are the only ones who seem to acknowledge bisexuality whereas everyone else seems to brush it off as a phase.

jasper11 · 20-10-2011 5:47pm

i hate the term bi curious. - does it even exist? surely if u find the same sex attractive at times along with op sex then ur bi . simples? or are my been nieve

Aishae · 20-10-2011 6:46pm

jasper11 wrote: »

i hate the term bi curious. - does it even exist? surely if u find the same sex attractive at times along with op sex then ur bi . simples? or are my been nieve

The reason for that might well be so people can tell themselves it was a phase (regardless if it was or they're in denial) and it also seems to make some feel they have permission to experiment if they call it that....

jaffacakesyum · 20-10-2011 8:13pm

_Beau_ wrote: »

The reaction that I've gotten from men (not romantic partners) when I've disclosed the fact that I'm bi has always been the same, "Oh, you're up for anything so". That irritates me.

Has anyone else come across that, this notion that a woman who is bi is a bit of a "goer"? (their word, not mine)

Yep I've gotton that too. When a guy I was seeing found out I was bi, I think he just got it into his head that it was a purely sexual thing - I think a lot of men are like that. They assume all bi women just like kissing other girls or sleeping with them - it doesn't cross their mind that bi girls can have serious/romantic relationships with other women :rolleyes:

jasper11 wrote: »

i hate the term bi curious. - does it even exist? surely if u find the same sex attractive at times along with op sex then ur bi . simples? or are my been nieve

Of course it exists. I don't like people hating on bi curious girls either! While it may be frustrating for women like me and other bi/gay women (e.g. if you get interested in a bi curious girl but she isn't decided on being bi/gay), I still wouldn't deny someones right to be bi curious.

There's a lot of hate out there for bi curious girls because they are ''just experimenting''. So what? Would you rather they supress their feelings?

baby and crumble · 20-10-2011 8:47pm

Weren't we all technically curious at some point?

_Beau_ · 20-10-2011 9:45pm

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

Yep I've gotton that too. When a guy I was seeing found out I was bi, I think he just got it into his head that it was a purely sexual thing - I think a lot of men are like that. They assume all bi women just like kissing other girls or sleeping with them - it doesn't cross their mind that bi girls can have serious/romantic relationships with other women :rolleyes:

Yep, you've hit the nail on the head. That's what irritates me - seeing it as solely sexual.

The fact that they gave me the impression that they thought that I was a "goer" because of it makes me reluctant to disclose my sexuality now. Not that there's ever really a need to disclose it, but, I tend to feel like I'm not really being myself by hiding it.

apache · 21-10-2011 1:31am

baby and crumble wrote: »

Weren't we all technically curious at some point?

NO!

look i am 100% gay. yes - you heard it 100% lesbian! there is no sexual fluidity for me. yet i hear people harp on about it. i am openminded but isn't it time people who know what they are get some respect too?
only you know where you stand and its a tad patronising sometimes to hear about this sexual fluidity for those who know what we are. theres the other side of the coin.
respect is a two way street.

i never ever ever identified as bi. there are people out there like that yanno.

Aishae · 21-10-2011 1:56am

From what I understood in what babyandc said: weren't we all probably bi-curious once (before we realised wherever we actually fell on the spectrum)
I don't know if everyone feels like this but I sure did: when I was a kid I grew up being told its supposed to be boy plus girl. The majority of society seemed to agree (well society seems pretty small when you're a kid) and tv shows for kids reinforced it yet again. It's like being repeatedly told this is how you will grow up to be. So even if you never had a period of uncertainty before realising you were definitely gay its entirely possible to call those thoughts that question social norms, bi-curious thoughts.

Technically it's 'questioning' but they seem pretty similar

apache · 21-10-2011 2:08am

Aishae wrote: »

From what I understood in what babyandc said: weren't we all probably bi-curious once (before we realised wherever we actually fell on the spectrum)
I don't know if everyone feels like this but I sure did: when I was a kid I grew up being told its supposed to be boy plus girl. The majority of society seemed to agree (well society seems pretty small when you're a kid) and tv shows for kids reinforced it yet again. It's like being repeatedly told this is how you will grow up to be. So even if you never had a period of uncertainty before realising you were definitely gay its entirely possible to call those thoughts that question social norms, bi-curious thoughts.

Technically it's 'questioning' but they seem pretty similar

eh no actually. i never felt attracted to men/boys. i knew what i was at age 15. and once i got sexual feelings it definitely wasn't for men. i grew up the same as we all did exposed to the media, parents etc. but it didn't feel natural.
i was out as soon as i was sure at 18. to everyone - friends family, school and later college and work. i was quietly confident. if people asked about a boyfriend i put them "straight"

so maybe best to leave it to baby and crumble to elaborate?
i was certainly never ever "bi curious".

edit - and i'm in my 30s now. nada has changed.

Annasopra · 21-10-2011 8:21am

apache wrote: »

eh no actually. i never felt attracted to men/boys. i knew what i was at age 15. and once i got sexual feelings it definitely wasn't for men. i grew up the same as we all did exposed to the media, parents etc. but it didn't feel natural.
i was out as soon as i was sure at 18. to everyone - friends family, school and later college and work. i was quietly confident. if people asked about a boyfriend i put them "straight"
so maybe best to leave it to baby and crumble to elaborate?
i was certainly never ever "bi curious".

edit - and i'm in my 30s now. nada has changed.

Fair enough but I think that's unusual. most LGB people would go through a questioning phase.

floggg · 21-10-2011 9:59am

Well in your own words you first had sexual feelings for women at 15 but you weren't sure till 18.

Surely then for a three year period, there was doubt, uncertainty, confusion, whatever you want to call it.

Bi curious is an imperfect label but I gather the point is that there was a point at all our lives where we weren't fully sure what our sexual orientation was or should be.

While its easy to say in hindsight that it wasn't a case of curiosity, for anybody going through that phase bi curious is a comfortable term, as it means they don't have to commit to the idea of being gay.

I suppose it's unfortunate for actual bisexuals though because then people tend to see them in the same light as the curious set.

Aishae · 21-10-2011 10:37am

That's exactly how I felt: I was afraid to commit to a gay label. Even about 3 years as I came out as bi I had this brief stage where I was worried about what I had committed to. Not because I questioned where things were headed (realising I was actually gay) but because I realised 'there's no going back on something like this - what if things suddenly change in the future?' I thought about it for a few weeks and came to the conclusion that in every other way I was sure of myself. You also can't predict the future but it seemed unlikely I'd change. It was fear.

Committing to a label is a scary thing at first (for some)

TheChief36 · 21-10-2011 11:12am

I find it incredible that with all the strangeness and diversity in the world, gay, straight, buck angel, hermaphrodites, necorophiliacs, people attracted to inanimate objects and people with magnetic powers that there exists so many gay people that think it is an impossibility for someone to be attracted to people of both genders.

baby and crumble · 21-10-2011 1:30pm

I just think that given how much society shoves being straight down everyone's throat, it's natural to assume that most, if not all, of us had a moment of "oh, hang on... what's going on here?" I'm not saying everyone goes through a lengthy period of not understanding what's happening. I'm saying that everyone, at some point, had a little frission of something they didn't understand. That's all I meant by 'we were all questioning'. Hell, there are times I see a guy and think "eh, maybe..." and then remember the logistics and how much more i feel for women.

I certainly don't agree with the adage of being either 50/50 or 100% either way. In fact, most bisexual folks I have spoken to have said that while they find both genders attractive, most will in some way "prefer" a particular gender. I don't mean they can choose who they find attractive. But for example I know a few girls who identify as bi who find men sexually attractive, but have always had their relationships with women- they connect better in the social sense with women.

apache · 23-10-2011 10:28am

TheChief36 wrote: »

I find it incredible that with all the strangeness and diversity in the world, gay, straight, buck angel, hermaphrodites, necorophiliacs, people attracted to inanimate objects and people with magnetic powers that there exists so many gay people that think it is an impossibility for someone to be attracted to people of both genders.

i don't think anybody here is saying anything of the sort.

stephen_n · 23-10-2011 8:36pm

apache wrote: »

i don't think anybody here is saying anything of the sort.

I think you will find that opinion is rather prevalent in the gay community and that's what he is referring to I would assume.

sarahbro · 24-10-2011 12:51am

Currently in an almost 2 year relationship with my lovely boyfriend. Still identify myself as bi, which he still doesn't understand. We're trying for a baby and hoping to get married but he's like "So....you're straight now?".
It can be quite frustrating.
I still get crushes on women. I have been in relationships with women. I'm bi.
I choose who I reveal my sexual identity to, i'm not ashamed, I've just gotten fed up with the "oh you must have loads of threesomes " etc etc. It gets a bit boring to be honest.
I'm still very proud of who and what I am

KnifeWRENCH · 24-10-2011 3:55am

Aishae wrote: »

That's exactly how I felt: I was afraid to commit to a gay label. Even about 3 years as I came out as bi I had this brief stage where I was worried about what I had committed to. Not because I questioned where things were headed (realising I was actually gay) but because I realised 'there's no going back on something like this - what if things suddenly change in the future?' I thought about it for a few weeks and came to the conclusion that in every other way I was sure of myself. You also can't predict the future but it seemed unlikely I'd change. It was fear.

Committing to a label is a scary thing at first (for some)

I can identify with this post a lot. Committing to a label is something I hate.

I've been calling myself bi for the past few years, and I never wanted to end up as one of those people who says they're bi and then ends up just calling themselves gay. But lately it seems increasingly likely that I am actually gay and just don't wanna commit to it.
This is causing me a load of issues;
*I'm still reluctant to say "Hey, I'm gay" because I'm still not 100% sure (though it's looking more like i by the day.)
*I don't wanna contribute to bisexual erasure (which I have always hated) by being just another one of those gay guys who pretends to be bi 'cause it's supposedly easier. :rolleyes: (It isn't easier at all, imo)
*I don't wanna hear choruses of "I told you so" for people who told me I was gay back when I was 100% sure that I was bisexual.

I can never say for definite that I won't end up with a woman. I'm a lot more attracted to guys physically than I am to girls.....but if I call myself gay I kinda feel like I'm committing to never being with a woman. And even though that prospect is unlikely, the idea of closing off the possibility forever doesn't sit right with me. So I'm kinda stuck in label limbo where I'm both bi and gay, and yet I'm neither.

Sorry for waffling a bit but I'm hoping someone else out there can identify with this mindfúck I'm having. This is why I hate labels; can't we all just be happy QUILTBAGS without having to specify which letter we are? :pac:

Annasopra · 24-10-2011 8:55am

@knifewrench - pomosexual then?

Being bi

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