[Permabear]

Originally Posted by Boyfriend Troubles

I know some people argue that it's just a fantasy but a fantasy is in your head. He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.

Your boyfriend has an inviolable right to his innermost thoughts, fantasies, and imaginings, just as you do. Most men do look at, admire, and occasionally entertain sexual fantasies about other women (who might include everyone from porn actresses to cute co-workers) and most women do exactly the same thing with other men. This is just a normal part of being human.

When I asked him to stop he said he didn't see why he had to because he wasn't replacing me he was just having some time to himself and although I said his "time to himself" involved pretending he was with other women, he almost seemed incapable of understanding why that was upsetting.

Do you have your own sexual fantasies while masturbating? Do they involve thinking about men other than your OH? When you are enjoying yourself with your toy, could you not, at least occasionally, be accused of imagining that you were with another man? If so, is this not a Pot-Kettle-Black situation? It's merely Jesuitical to suggest that he's looking at external images of a screen while you're just imagining scenarios in your mind.

Am I not enough???

I think you're making a huge mistake in seeing these depersonalised, fleeting images of porn actresses as sexual rivals. This is a recipe for insecurity and misery, because you are not going to find any man on the face of the earth for whom you can be the sole, solitary, and only source of sexual fantasy.

[fungun]

But my main issue is that I do not like the thought that he is masturbating to pictures of other women flaunting their sexuality. These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it?

see this is the bit where there is a disconnect i feel. I honestly think the majority of men do not watch porn cos those women 'really do it for them'. I think you are putting your feelings into him in this situation....whereas actually he probably does not feel this way.
I hope you can find a solution OP

[true-or-false]

OP, you're totally entitled to dislike your boyfriend watching porn. You're also perfectly entitled to convey these feelings to him.

But you can't tell him what to do. You can ask, but if he's refused, he's refused.

If this is the only problem in your relationship, I'd advise you not to let it become the destruction of your relationship. Good things are hard to come by and it's usually best to find a compromise rather than turn it into a unstoppable force vs. immovable object type situation. You didn't say on what terms you discussed this with him, but I suspect it was confrontational/placing blame on each other/calling each other unfair. Rather than confronting him, try sitting him down and calmly explaining to each other how you see the situation. I suspect that he sees your request as irrational and that you see his refusal as irrational. Explanations are definitely the way to go. If he's willing to explain these things to you, try and be calm, patient, listen to what he has to say, and don't get upset at him/start crying. Let him know, without placing blame or acting overemotional, that you see it as him not thinking you're enough etc. I've no doubt that he'll assure you how he feels about you. It'll take some very calm discussion, but you may be able to find compromise.

[seenitall]

Originally Posted by Boyfriend Troubles

I just want to know how I can get him to stop.

Right. And your boyfriend's the disrespectful one? If I knew that my OH was thinking/talking about me in these terms, he wouldn't see me for dust, whatever the issue at hand.

[Firetrap]

I don't see any great difference between his watching porn and you using a vibrator. Both are outside stimulii (for want of a better description) which aid masturbation. The only difference is that instead of your boyfriend using a battery operated implement, he's watching actual humans having sex. It's doubtful that your boyfriend is watching it because he particularly fancies the women in the scenes. Just like your vibrator, the porn is a means to an end.

[carlybabe1]

I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays ....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then

[Mallei]

Originally Posted by carlybabe1

I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays ....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then

This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is. I guarantee he won't like it one little bit if you start looking and salivating over men with bodies he can't have.

And yes, be sure to comment on how wonderful the size of the model / actor / sportsman's penis looks to be, and how that's just SO hot. Any good woman knows it's not all about size, but most men are so paranoid about the length of their d1cks that he'll run screaming if he thinks you think he's inadequate. And then he'll suddenly know how it feels when you catch him getting off over pictures of women with toned stomachs, huge boobs and big asses.

[bluewolf]

Originally Posted by Mallei

This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is. I guarantee he won't like it one little bit if you start looking and salivating over men with bodies he can't have.

And yes, be sure to comment on how wonderful the size of the model / actor / sportsman's penis looks to be, and how that's just SO hot. Any good woman knows it's not all about size, but most men are so paranoid about the length of their d1cks that he'll run screaming if he thinks you think he's inadequate. And then he'll suddenly know how it feels when you catch him getting off over pictures of women with toned stomachs, huge boobs and big asses.

Ehm, OP, please don't do this ^

[Jack B. Badd]

Originally Posted by Mallei

This is the best way to solve this problem. You're not being vindictive, you're simply doing the same thing as he is.

Except that you are being vindictive...

From the OP, it doesn't appear that the OH was watching porn in front of her, she simply came across it on his computer (in the history, not even an open window) in the same way she could have come across his facebook page or the last boards.ie thread he responded to. He wasn't rubbing her nose it in so why should she rub his nose in her porn. OP, I'll bet that if you go down this route he'll dump you for acting like a child. You asked him not to look at porn, he refused your request so perhaps you could stop using his computer or ask him to set the history to clean itself out on a daily basis. Discretness on his part seems like a fair compromise...

[Fluorescence]

Originally Posted by carlybabe1

I agree with Mallei, I defo think you should give him a taste of his own medicine. It worked with my OH, when i explained that i didnt like the idea of him comparing my body with those of the airbrushed gravity defying boob displays ....When he refused to see my point, i downloaded a screensaver of a bloke with huge arms, a six pack and wat looked like a budgie shoved down the front of his shorts. He was not amused, and when he asked me why I had it i simply said "the same reason you look at porn, I just was more discreet about it than you were to spare your feelings but hey, whats good for the goose and all that" he hasnt looked at porn since, or if he has hes deff more discreet about it, and thats just fine with me...oooh, and dont forget to comment gratifyingly about the size of the packages hehehe..he'll know how it feels to be compared then

How childish. The OP's boyfriend isn't flaunting pics of porn actresses in her face, commenting on their cleavage or tight bodies, and generally rubbing her nose in it. She only found out because she used his laptop and it came up on the browsing history. This is terrible advice and I'd be ignoring it.

OP, I don't understand why you find porn so unacceptable despite your explanations, but I can say that he'll not be budging on this issue. It's not even an issue for him. Unless you can find some way to get past it (perhaps making your own porn vids with him or taking sexy pictures for him to use when you're not around), then this isn't going to work between ye.

[baby and crumble]

First of all, I genuinely don't see what the big deal about porn is. I watch it, and it's not that I'm fantasizing about people other than my girlfriend... it's just something that replaces my utter and complete lack of imagination!!

As far as relationships go, clearly the real issue is that you're at a major wall- as many posters have said, neither of you are right, and neither are wrong. However, both of you are guilty of stubborn attitudes. If you want a relationship to continue, you need to compromise, which it seems like you're unwilling to do. But BOTH of you do.

A suggestion that I haven't seen here already (edit: damn, beaten to the punch!) : why not make your own porn? I would imagine that you turn him on like crazy- else why would he be with you? He likes to jack off to porn. You feel threatened by the female porn stars. So, why not become the star yourself. You could start off by getting a boudoir photosession done, which is apparently great fun. Record yourself on a webcam saying what you'd like to do to him. Actually record yourselves having sex. Whatever you feel comfortable doing. I can only imagine that having his girlfriend do things like this, just for him, will make him feel awesome, and will keep him satisfied, porn wise. He'll have something to enjoy, and you will know that he's enjoying himself to you. win-win.

[7Sins]

I only read the OP here, so sorry guys. My take is based on the differences between men and women's sexuality. Men are "instant" that's the word I'll use. I'll speak for myself here. When I have sex with a woman, I generally feel very little until the point of you know what and then yipeeee! That's what we as men crave, it's seeking those 10 seconds or less of a climax to fulfil our sexual appetite. We seek this constantly. We need instant gratification and porn can help to provide that. Your take that he is cheating on you with other women is a gross exaggeration and very unfair on him. This is how men are built and I'm afraid you'll have to accept that. Ever hear of what you don't know, can't hurt you? tell him to hide it better

[Zen65]

Originally Posted by Boyfriend Troubles

But my main issue is that I do not like the thought that he is masturbating to pictures of other women flaunting their sexuality. These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it? If he's just looking for physical gratification then he has a hand.

Please excuse me if my comments appear crude, I do not mean them to be, but to describe what goes on in a man's head during masturbation may help in some small way to understand the role that porn plays. Your statement above suggests to me that your interpretation of porn's role is erroneous.

Personally I'm not a fan of porn, but then I'm old enough to say that the internet wasn't available at the time in my life when porn might have been interesting for me. There are forms of porn that have no place in civilised society and I have no tolerance for people who use them (child porn, animal porn, graphic violent porn) but for the rest I am comfortable enough to say "whatever floats your boat" provided it is produced ethically by people who choose to work in that industry.

Most men masturbate, at some stage in their lives if not throughout their lives. Many women do too, though they are generally more discreet about it.

When men masturbate they rarely think about somebody they have real feelings for, because the objective of masturbation is not intimacy, it is release (of sexual tension, of fears, of stress, etc). The sexual images in their heads are "designed" to stimulate themselves sexually, not to arouse feelings of love, intimacy, and bonding. For an average man those images are not easily created and maintained throughout the activity, because to maintain the image while using the hand for self-arousal is a multi-tasking skill, and as you know men are generally less competent at multi-tasking.

If real feelings of intimacy were to arise during the act it could actually have the opposite effect to that intended, and may result in loss of erection.

Of course, men are not actually as stupid as the media might portray them to be. They know that real women do not look like those porn images because those images (in fact almost all media images of women, not just the porn images) have been air-brushed, digitally enhanced, or (video) shot using special lighting or lenses to enhance the image beyond what is seen in real life. Most men (I certainly don't pretend to speak on behalf of all men) do not actually draw comparisons between those porn images and their own partners. Indeed I would suggest that most of us would be uncomfortable at the idea of our partners dressing or behaving in such a manner.

You already understand the benefit of using an aid in masturbation, since you use an aid yourself.

For the single-tasking male, looking at the image of porn simply avoids the mental acrobatics of trying to conjure up a memory/created scene while performing a manual stimulation. Nothing more. The image is mentally discarded immediately afterwards.

I think that what you find offensive about your partner using porn is that his "mental images" actually take physical form, and you can see that form. I would imagine that your partner would not be pleased to see your own sex aid strewn around the bedroom after use, along with traces of the pleasure it brought you. Yet he probably feels comfortable with you owning it, and even knowing you use it does not trouble him. Seeing the evidence might!

So my suggestion Op, is that since there is no right-vs-wrong here in terms of his actions, that you should insist that he does not leave any traces of porn in your house. That includes no stored images on the PC, no stored website addresses (frankly I consider that leaving such websites in the history is very dangerous because you just don't know when a younger person may end up using your PC and stumbling upon such sites) and certainly no videos / magazines left around the house.

If you cannot accept that compromise, then it's a case of either ending the relationship or forcing a change in his behaviour against his will, not because it is wrong but because you don't accept that he should have the freedom to choose. I think this latter course of action is unhealthy, but it's a matter for the two of you.

Be at peace,

Z

[Zen65]

Originally Posted by Permabear

Most men do look at, admire, and occasionally entertain sexual fantasies about other women (who might include everyone from porn actresses to cute co-workers) .....

Assuming this is true, I think Op should find it deeply worrying that her partner was using a mental image of somebody he knew, especially somebody he worked with. To my way of thinking, using the image of a porn actor is preferable, since in that case the actor has chosen to have her image used in this way.

Be at peace,

Z

[HugoDrax]

Hi OP,

You are completely overreacting and you are being incredibly naive.

Men think about sex all the time and they separate sex from love.

The other day I was on my bf's laptop and found a pornsite in his history (you know the way it completes websites for you when you type them in). I asked him about it and he got all defensive and we had a row.

In case you are unaware the number no.1 use of the internet world wide is porn. Porn sites get bigger hits than Hollywood, news, online gaming, gambling, sport and music put together on the internet.

He knows I don't like porn. I've asked him not to watch it before. I know some women don't mine their men watching porn but I'm not one of them, and I know I'm not alone in it either. I don't like the way porn is made and how degrading it is the women but on a more personal level I also hate the idea that he's getting off to explicit images of other women. I know some people argue that it's just a fantasy but a fantasy is in your head. He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.

Men look at other women all the time and imagine having sex with them. Middle aged men who have teenage daughters imagine having sex with their friends but they don't do or say anything about it.Even the nice harmless 80 year old men you see shuffling about are checking you and every other woman out because they wish they were 19 years old and they were playing the field.
Deal with it.

Thing is, he won't see my side. When I asked him to stop he said he didn't see why he had to because he wasn't replacing me he was just having some time to himself and although I said his "time to himself" involved pretending he was with other women, he almost seemed incapable of understanding why that was upsetting.

Men who are in relationships with women will still masturbate. Porn is an aid.

He even tried to turn the argument around and said that he'd stop watching porn when I stopped using my vibrator on my own!!!

He has a point.

I tried to say that I don't have a problem with him masturbating because yes I do that with my toy too but the problem is that he's doing it over pictures of other women.

A toy is a substitute penis isn't it? When you use it are you not imagining your bf or some Hollywood hunk is having sex with you?

How do I try and resolve this? he seems determined not to stop his porn habit and I don't think I can stay with him when I know he's continuing to do something that upsets me so much when I've asked him to stop.

Every man who knows how to use a computer looks at porn. Every single one.
You are never going to a find a man on earth who does not look at porn.

Am I not enough???

No woman is enough. No sex is enough. Men want to have as much sex as possible with as many women as possible. But most men do fall in love and do want to have relationships but their penises do not have off switches.

There is a double standard here because many men get incredibly turned on by watching their partner masturbate to porn and many men would enjoy watching their partner having sex with either men or women - as long as they knew they were not losing out and their partner was not going to leave them.

You have probably been brought up to believe that when someone loves someone they stop thinking about other people or having sex with other people but that simply is not true.

Your bf might look at less porn if you acted out some of his fantasies - why not pretend he is a pizza delivery boy or a plumber who has come to fix your boiler etc etc?