Originally Posted by Boyfriend Troubles
But my main issue is that I do not like the thought that he is masturbating to pictures of other women flaunting their sexuality. These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it? If he's just looking for physical gratification then he has a hand.
Please excuse me if my comments appear crude, I do not mean them to be, but to describe what goes on in a man's head during masturbation may help in some small way to understand the role that porn plays. Your statement above suggests to me that your interpretation of porn's role is erroneous.
Personally I'm not a fan of porn, but then I'm old enough to say that the internet wasn't available at the time in my life when porn might have been interesting for me. There are forms of porn that have no place in civilised society and I have no tolerance for people who use them (child porn, animal porn, graphic violent porn) but for the rest I am comfortable enough to say "whatever floats your boat" provided it is produced ethically by people who choose to work in that industry.
Most men masturbate, at some stage in their lives if not throughout their lives. Many women do too, though they are generally more discreet about it.
When men masturbate they rarely think about somebody they have real feelings for, because the objective of masturbation is not intimacy
, it is release
(of sexual tension, of fears, of stress, etc). The sexual images in their heads are "designed" to stimulate themselves sexually, not to arouse feelings of love, intimacy, and bonding. For an average man those images are not easily created and maintained throughout the activity, because to maintain the image while using the hand for self-arousal is a multi-tasking skill, and as you know men are generally
less competent at multi-tasking.
If real feelings of intimacy were to arise during the act it could actually have the opposite effect to that intended, and may result in loss of erection.
Of course, men are not actually as stupid as the media might portray them to be. They know that real women do not look like those porn images because those images (in fact almost all media images of women, not just the porn images
) have been air-brushed, digitally enhanced, or (video) shot using special lighting or lenses to enhance the image beyond what is seen in real life. Most men (I certainly don't pretend to speak on behalf of all men) do not actually draw comparisons between those porn images and their own partners. Indeed I would suggest that most of us would be uncomfortable at the idea of our partners dressing or behaving in such a manner.
You already understand the benefit of using an aid in masturbation, since you use an aid yourself.
For the single-tasking male, looking at the image of porn simply avoids the mental acrobatics of trying to conjure up a memory/created scene while performing a manual stimulation. Nothing more. The image is mentally discarded immediately afterwards.
I think that what you find offensive about your partner using porn is that his "mental images" actually take physical form, and you can see that form. I would imagine that your partner would not be pleased to see your own sex aid strewn around the bedroom after use, along with traces of the pleasure it brought you. Yet he probably feels comfortable with you owning it, and even knowing you use it does not trouble him. Seeing the evidence might!
So my suggestion Op, is that since there is no right-vs-wrong here in terms of his actions, that you should insist that he does not leave any traces of porn in your house. That includes no stored images on the PC, no stored website addresses (frankly I consider that leaving such websites in the history is very dangerous because you just don't know when a younger person may end up using your PC and stumbling upon such sites) and certainly no videos / magazines left around the house.
If you cannot accept that compromise, then it's a case of either ending the relationship or forcing a change in his behaviour against his will, not because it is wrong but because you don't accept that he should have the freedom to choose. I think this latter course of action is unhealthy, but it's a matter for the two of you.
Be at peace,