The Dummies Guide to Wimmins

DublinWriter · 22-12-2007 9:09pm #1

Inspired by the thread on Man-Lit, I decided it would be a useful and practical thing to do to initiate a guide for the Brothers on how to deal with wimmins, a Dummies Guide if you will.

The rule is you only offer *one* tip per posting.

Seeing as I'm no particular expert, I have only one tip which is particularly topical at this time of year and considering we brothers have our annual Christmas Shopping period coming up (4pm Christmas Eve).

Rule #1: Never buy a wimmin clothes.

_blank_ · 22-12-2007 9:21pm

Rule #2 - The Word "Fine"

i. If a wimmins says she's "Fine" there is something the matter. It is at this time that you should engage your mind-reading skillz to determine what this something is.

ii. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" when you tell her you are going for a few pints after work, it generally isn't.

iii. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" when you suggest going to the chipper/chinese for dinner, she actually wants to be taken to Shanahan's On The Green.

iv. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" for you to wear torn jeans and paint splattered T-Shirt to her mother's house on some occasion, opening an envelope for example, she actually wants you to wear a tuxedo.

trout · 22-12-2007 9:34pm

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

When a wimmins utters the phrase, "Whatever you like" they do not mean for you do to "whatever you like", they mean for you to do what they like, but they won't tell you what that is. Time for mind-reading skillz again.

trout: do you want pizza or kebabs for the biha dinner ?
mrs trout: <pause>
mrs trout: whatever you like
trout: <realises>
trout: or how about a nice meal in your newest favourite restaurant of your choice, my blossom

mrs trout: hmmph ... OK then, that sounds nice.
trout: <phew>

Latchy · 22-12-2007 9:41pm

4 If a womon says you look stupid wearing that monkey /bobble hat over your head ignore her . If it's really freezing you wont care what anybody thinks, her included .............or she might suggest if you were a gentleman (which your not ) you would give it to her instead to keep warm

HAPPYGIRL · 22-12-2007 9:54pm

Lads the rules are great but if you want to become an expert take this course.

http://www.amazinghumor.com/jokes/menandwomen/furthermencourses.shtml

daiixi · 22-12-2007 9:57pm

trout wrote: »

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

When a wimmins utters the phrase, "Whatever you like" they do not mean for you do to "whatever you like", they mean for you to do what they like, but they won't tell you what that is. Time for mind-reading skillz again.

trout: do you want pizza or kebabs for the biha dinner ?
mrs trout: <pause>
mrs trout: whatever you like
trout: <realises>
trout: or how about a nice meal in your newest favourite restaurant of your choice, my blossom
mrs trout: hmmph ... OK then, that sounds nice.
trout: <phew>

Not quite true. Sometimes it means "just make a decision and stop standing around blathering - I'm hungry!"

Just to confuse you further of course

Dyr · 22-12-2007 10:30pm

if a wimminz says ANYTHING to you, remember the safe cross code

one look for a safe place

two dont hurry stop and wait

three look all around before you open you gob.

Why do you think judge had a black eye? thats right, missis judge. poor bastard was speaking from experience

trout · 22-12-2007 10:37pm

Rule # 0 The Golden Rule

Q: How can you tell when a wimmins is being irrational, unreasonable, or plain ol' vanilla wimmins when she is speaking to you ?

A: Her lips are moving.

I'll get me coat :rolleyes:

23-12-2007 2:21am

HAPPYGIRL wrote: »

Lads the rules are great but if you want to become an expert take this course.

http://www.amazinghumor.com/jokes/menandwomen/furthermencourses.shtml

I reccomend this for you Happygirl:How to be a better woman.

HAPPYGIRL · 23-12-2007 2:50am

Thanks nialler that has totally shown me the error of my ways! :rolleyes:

23-12-2007 4:14pm

HAPPYGIRL wrote: »

Thanks nialler that has totally shown me the error of my ways! :rolleyes:

It's about time,now get back into the kitchen;)

smashey · 23-12-2007 4:17pm

Wimmins: Does my bum look big in this?

smashey: Darling, you're bum would look big in Texas.

Always tell the truth,

Hagar · 23-12-2007 4:27pm

Wimmins: Do these jeans make my bum look big?
Hagar: No, it's all the cakes and chocolates that does that.

shrapnel222 · 23-12-2007 4:56pm

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

23-12-2007 5:38pm

shrapnel222 wrote: »

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

Well you should mention that she might have neglected to dust the telly in a while.

johnnyskeleton · 23-12-2007 7:49pm

5 (or whatever)

If you insult them, they will work harder to impress you. If you show them any sign of affection or gratitude they will take this to mean that they have won.

Pigman II · 27-12-2007 5:47pm

Rule 6: When a wimmins asks "what are you thinking?" don't tell her the truth (sex/football/auto-repair etc) as she will at best not understand and at worst think you are lying.

So instead just make up an answer that will lead to a "problem solving" conversation and a lot of head nodding from yourself..

ruthiedv · 28-12-2007 9:47pm

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City. It covers pretty much everything from not banging our heads against the headboard to brown stripes on the couch(big no-no:D)

BTW, when I say "Fine" or "whatever you like" there's no hidden meaning, I just mean fine or whatever you like. Unfortunately himself has heard that mind-reading thing too and never believes me. Drives me nuts.

Pigman II · 28-12-2007 11:14pm

ruthiedv wrote: »

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City.

I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

AlmightyCushion · 28-12-2007 11:17pm

ruthiedv wrote: »

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City. It covers pretty much everything from not banging our heads against the headboard to brown stripes on the couch(big no-no:D)

I got sick a little after reading that post.

DublinWriter · 29-12-2007 9:08am

Pigman II wrote: »

I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

Funnily enough, I though the same as soon as I read the post but you beat me to it yet again, Pigman.

As for Sex and the City, we brothers like our wimmin with a bit of maite on them ruthiedv, and generally wouldn't go for the ugly man-faced tit-stand types as featured on that show.

In fact, if we're on the subject of aspirational TV shows, if you say that Sex and the City is what we need to watch to understand you, then by the same token you should watch the A-Team to understand us.

ruthiedv · 29-12-2007 11:50am

DublinWriter wrote: »

In fact, if we're on the subject of aspirational TV shows, if you say that Sex and the City is what we need to watch to understand you, then by the same token you should watch the A-Team to understand us.

Ah, my mistake. I didn't realise you all survived day to day,using your considerable skills to help others while on the run accused of a crime you didn't commit.

I thought your mission was more watching footie,drinking beers (that aren't bud) and eating curries:D

Kazooie · 29-12-2007 12:23pm

When you're buying food like say a burger and you ask her would you like one, the response: "No i'm gettin fat so I won't" does in fact mean: "I'll take "several massive chunks out of yours" instead.

cance · 31-12-2007 12:47pm

Being of a technical background, this one was a hard learning experience.

When a woman comes to you with a problem, she does not want you to solve it. Instead she wants to you to listen to her problem and empathise. i know, i know... what the ****?

For extra credit, after empathising for what seems like an eternity, the real trick is giving her the solution while still maintaining that its "her" solution and she thought of it. which will in turn give her more self worth and will result in less "wha, wha, woe is me" time for you to endure.

pid() · 31-12-2007 1:11pm

shrapnel222 wrote: »

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

Hahah, oh man, my sides! Comical.

I'm using that one this evening.

Kazobel · 31-12-2007 9:58pm

LOL brilliant thread lads, you's really are clueless

I'll do you's a favour, Since I have the unique perspective of living both sides of the fence in my 35 years on the planet I'll explain some of these things for you:

DublinWriter wrote: »

Rule #1: Never buy a wimmin clothes.

It's fine to buy a wimmin clothes but your opinion of "clothes" may differ from her's, G-strings and peep-hole bras are not her opinion unless she specifies them

DesF wrote: »

Rule #2 - The Word "Fine"

While not always, sometimes we use the word "Fine" as an early warning system so you are aware that your actions now may lead to a spat later. We try to trust your judgment to do the right thing and know that telling you straight out what to/not to do will only end badly so think of it as a suggestion. A quick tip here is if the answer is "Fine!" then the suggestion should really be changed but if the answer is "Yes that's fine honey

" then that's more of less permission.

trout wrote: »

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

Like "Fine" this works the same way, we know you like to make decisions and are happy to let you as long as they're the right decisions but, of course, want you to think the idea was yours so as not to damage your ego so listen for the tone it is delivered in we may just mean it as "Whatever you like" just trying to be nice

hope this helps

thefinalstage · 31-12-2007 11:45pm

Kazobel wrote: »

LOL brilliant thread lads, you's really are clueless I'll do you's a favour, Since I have the unique perspective of living both sides of the fence in my 35 years on the planet I'll explain some of these things for you:

It's fine to buy a wimmin clothes but your opinion of "clothes" may differ from her's, G-strings and peep-hole bras are not her opinion unless she specifies them

While not always, sometimes we use the word "Fine" as an early warning system so you are aware that your actions now may lead to a spat later. We try to trust your judgment to do the right thing and know that telling you straight out what to/not to do will only end badly so think of it as a suggestion. A quick tip here is if the answer is "Fine!" then the suggestion should really be changed but if the answer is "Yes that's fine honey " then that's more of less permission.

Like "Fine" this works the same way, we know you like to make decisions and are happy to let you as long as they're the right decisions but, of course, want you to think the idea was yours so as not to damage your ego so listen for the tone it is delivered in we may just mean it as "Whatever you like" just trying to be nice

hope this helps

So your saying your a trans gender person? No wait you just have no balls.

Kazobel · 01-01-2008 12:01am

thelastangryman wrote: »

So your saying your a trans gender person? No wait you just have no balls.

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

kowloon · 01-01-2008 12:25am

Kazobel wrote: »

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

ULTRABURN!!

thefinalstage · 01-01-2008 1:39am

Kazobel wrote: »

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

So your saying that you don't have balls than?

Kazobel · 01-01-2008 1:55am

thelastangryman wrote: »

So your saying that you don't have balls than?

Why are you so obsessed with my genitalia?

The Dummies Guide to Wimmins

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