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Should I say something

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    #32
    VisibleGorilla
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭VisibleGorilla


    Of course I understand, the issue here is not putting a good photo up, the issue is the difference between a flattering photograph and one that is not a true representation of yourself.

    The OP and other posters have admitted to using photos where they are masking excessive weight, in one case a photo that doesn't show an excess of 13kg, they are simply not a true representation of how they currently look it's a completely pointless thing to do. Especially using these photos on something like Tinder where it is 100% about looks.


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    #33
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    VisibleGorilla wrote: »
    Of course I understand, the issue here is not putting a good photo up, the issue is the difference between a flattering photograph and one that is not a true representation of yourself.

    The OP and other posters have admitted to using photos where they are masking excessive weight, in one case a photo that doesn't show an excess of 13kg, they are simply not a true representation of how they currently look it's a completely pointless thing to do. Especially using these photos on something like Tinder where it is 100% about looks.

    I dont see any posts where people say they are masking excessive weight. The OP has stated she did not set out to deceive.

    YOU have asserted in your posts that people are using some nefarious "tactics"
    You're taking these photos in a specific way as to hide your weight, classic way to mask it. It is 100% deceiving.
    but that is just your opinion, no poster has said they are actually trying to hide weight.

    The OPs problem is that the pics are a year or so out of date and she is heavier now. Its not really that big of a deal imo, but if she is worried about it she should put up a more recent pic.


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    #34
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    Witchie wrote: »
    Hi op, as a fellow heavier girl, I understand how you feel. My photos, though very up to date are only of my face and due to often good hair, make up and angle of photo, you can't really see that I am fat. It is not about deceiving people, it is about the fact that these are my best representation of me so I feel more confident sharing them.

    That said, if I get chatting to someone and we start to connect, I always will say to them something along the lines of "you do know I am a large lady don't you?" to give them an out if that is what they want but also so that if we meet, they know what to expect.

    I think being honest with him is important.

    Best of luck and if he does bail, trust me on this, there are loads of guys who like a bigger lady.

    Something similar happened to me before. I met a girl who had just put up pictures of her face and she looked nice.

    Right before we met, she gave me a similar "out" that you describe. To me that "out" was a red flag but it puts you in an awkward position, what was I going to say to that? 'Oh you're larger than your pictures suggest? Well, that changes everything'. You also mention, "they know what to expect" when you tell them this, the thing is though you don't know what to expect, the girl could be a little bit overweight or obese. A realistic picture would leave no doubt and surely it's better for both parties?

    Anyways, I went on the date and to be honest, I was disappointed when I first saw her because it wasn't what I was expecting. My advice would be to do yourself a favour and put up a full picture. I wouldn't meet someone without one tbh, because who likes guessing what the person looks like before you meet? Just my two cents.


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    #35
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    ColeTrain wrote: »
    Right before we met, she gave me a similar "out" that you describe. To me that "out" was a red flag but it puts you in an awkward position, what was I going to say to that? 'Oh you're larger than your pictures suggest? Well, that changes everything'.

    Why wouldnt you say that?


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    #36
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Why wouldnt you say that?

    Because discussing her weight isn't a conversation I want to have. At the end of the day, she's the one bringing the topic up - something she wouldn't have to do if she had uploaded an accurate picture in the first place.


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    #37
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    ColeTrain wrote: »
    Because discussing her weight isn't a conversation I want to have. At the end of the day, she's the one bringing the topic up - something she wouldn't have to do if she had uploaded an accurate picture in the first place.

    Im sorry, on the one hand you are saying you were disappointed that she was overweight, on the other hand you are saying you didnt want to discuss her weight. I dont get it. If weight is important to you, why did you carry on and meet her after she had red flagged the weight to you?


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    #38
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users Posts: 11,376 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Im sorry, on the one hand you are saying you were disappointed that she was overweight, on the other hand you are saying you didnt want to discuss her weight. I dont get it. If weight is important to you, why did you carry on and meet her after she had red flagged the weight to you?

    Maybe because he didn't want to be rude to the girl or hurt her feelings.

    It's easier and nicer to go on a date and to say after that there was no chemistry or it just wasn't working than making a stranger feel horrendous about their weight.


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    #39
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Im sorry, on the one hand you are saying you were disappointed that she was overweight, on the other hand you are saying you didnt want to discuss her weight. I dont get it. If weight is important to you, why did you carry on and meet her after she had red flagged the weight to you?

    I don't see what there is 'to get'.

    Why the hell would I want to have a discussion with a stranger about their weight? Did you expect me to ask for her measurements? It's online dating, it couldn't be anymore casual.

    I decided to go ahead with the date because it had already been arranged. I wouldn't do it again though, if someone has to bring up their weight before a meeting, it says a lot IMO. Would it not be easier for them to put up a nice picture of themselves in full view, rather than having to put in a disclaimer every time they meet someone. That shows deep down they know they're deceiving the person a little.

    FWIW..I don't mind a girl being somewhat overweight, I think some girls can carry it very well but I wouldn't be attracted to someone three or four stone overweight. They might have a great personalty, but on first impressions, it would put me off. That's just me though.


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    #40
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Manufactured Miracle wrote: »
    Maybe because he didn't want to be rude to the girl or hurt her feelings.

    It's easier and nicer to go on a date and to say after that there was no chemistry or it just wasn't working than making a stranger feel horrendous about their weight.

    But sure he doesnt have to make anyone feel horrendous. Just make an excuse and dont meet. Its an online dating site, he will be one of many in the mix no doubt.

    The poster told the story stating he was disappointed when he met the girl, although she had already red flagged her weight. So why bother going to meet her at all?


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    #41
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    Manufactured Miracle wrote: »
    Maybe because he didn't want to be rude to the girl or hurt her feelings.

    It's easier and nicer to go on a date and to say after that there was no chemistry or it just wasn't working than making a stranger feel horrendous about their weight.

    Exactly, how could you come out of that situation without offending her if you were being honest.


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    #42
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    So am back in the dating game....again....have been messaging a guy from tinder the last few weeks and he constantly asks to meet up...I keep making excuses but we are finally meeting on Monday ... am in a total panic as I am overweight and the pictures on my tinder profile are from over a year ago....do I say something before I meet about my weight or just go to the meet up and let him see for himself? He is the only guy I felt I could have a connection with and after daily contact for so long I am afraid of the rejection. ..I feel like weight should not be an issue but unfortunately the truth is that it's important. ..

    Don't worry is the main thing! But do try and casually send the person a more complete pic. Don't make a big deal just do it.


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    #43
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    ColeTrain wrote: »
    Why the hell would I want to have a discussion with a stranger about their weight?

    .......because
    ColeTrain wrote: »
    They might have a great personalty, but on first impressions, it would put me off.

    There is nothing wrong with not being into someone carrying weight - same as there is nothing wrong with not being into red heads or people who wear glasses or whatever.

    You dont have to be mean about it at all, you can just not actually meet them.

    What I dont understand is that you are giving out about it when she actually red flagged it for you up front in the first place and you still went ahead and met her. So really, you only have yourself to blame for being disappointed.

    However, this is well off the OPs issue.


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    #44
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users Posts: 11,376 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    intheclouds wrote: »
    But sure he doesnt have to make anyone feel horrendous. Just make an excuse and dont meet. Its an online dating site, he will be one of many in the mix no doubt.

    The poster told the story stating he was disappointed when he met the girl, although she had already red flagged her weight. So why bother going to meet her at all?

    Unless the girl is painfully stupid, she'd twig straight away that as soon as her weight was brought up the date fell apart indefinitely and that's the reason why.

    There is nothing wrong with bigger girls whatsoever but the honesty is the issue.

    OP, I think you made the right decision to cancel the date. It'll put your own mind at ease.

    Why don't you update the pictures on your online profile or wherever you're chatting to him? That way you're 'updating' him without making it a huge deal or having to flag anything to him. If you're still chatting on Tinder or online, change your pics. Or if its on whatsapp, change your profile picture, even just for a few days while talking to him.


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    #45
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    intheclouds wrote: »
    .......because



    There is nothing wrong with not being into someone carrying weight - same as there is nothing wrong with not being into red heads or people who wear glasses or whatever.

    You dont have to be mean about it at all, you can just not actually meet them.

    What I dont understand is that you are giving out about it when she actually red flagged it for you up front in the first place and you still went ahead and met her. So really, you only have yourself to blame for being disappointed.

    However, this is well off the OPs issue.

    Like I said, she brought it up just before the meeting. If I cancelled, it would have been painfully obvious why and it would have hurt her. Also, she could have been one stone or five stone overweight, I'd no idea ( fwiw it was closer to the latter )
    Anyways, you get my point. An accurate picture removes all doubt for everyone involved and saves a lot of hassle.


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    #46
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Manufactured Miracle wrote: »
    Unless the girl is painfully stupid, she'd twig straight away that as soon as her weight was brought up the date fell apart indefinitely and that's the reason why.

    There is nothing wrong with bigger girls whatsoever but the honesty is the issue.

    Honesty is the issue?

    So the girl is to be honest about her weight, but the guy is to be dishonest about why he doesnt want to meet her?

    Who cares anyway if the person twigs - as one poster has already pointed out, its online dating - it couldnt be more casual.


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    #47
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    ColeTrain wrote: »
    Like I said, she brought it up just before the meeting. If I cancelled, it would have been painfully obvious why and it would have hurt her. Also, she could have been one stone or five stone overweight, I'd no idea ( fwiw it was closer to the latter )
    Anyways, you get my point. An accurate picture removes all doubt for everyone involved and saves a lot of hassle.

    I do get your point.

    And I am sure you get my point, if someone red flags it for you and weight is an issue for you - dont meet them.


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    #48
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    posters - if you want to have a chat amongst yourselves, then please take the conversation to PM. Posts should be focussed on offering constructive advice to the OP.

    dudara


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    #49
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users Posts: 11,376 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Honesty is the issue?

    So the girl is to be honest about her weight, but the guy is to be dishonest about why he doesnt want to meet her?

    Who cares anyway if the person twigs - as one poster has already pointed out, its online dating - it couldnt be more casual.

    Ah come on. One person is not being honest because they don't want to reveal themselves because they want a date despite the fact that the date will eventually find out. The other is not being honest because they don't want to hurt someones feelings. There's not nearly the same.

    I'd care about it. If it was me on the other end as much as I'd feel down about a date not working out I'd feel awful if someone said it was because of my weight than it just not working. Weight is very personal to some people.

    You're veering this tread wildly off so instead of arguing about it left right and centre with everyone, why not try and provide the OP some constructive advice?

    OP, if you've been chatting to the guy a lot, you've built a rapport and get on well. Discreetly change one of your pics that he has access to (on the dating site, whatsapp, wherever), so you're not having to flag it or make a huge deal of it.

    Don't give up the idea of going on a date with him, just slip a newer pic in somewhere that he can see so it doesn't come across as a 'revelation'. You were right to cancel the date though, you'd have spent the entirety of the date paranoid about how he felt about you which wouldn't have been fun.


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    #50
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭crackers and cheese


    I have updated my whatsapp picture on my profile so will just see how that goes. ..to be honest I was thinking of avoiding the whole meeting up with him thing until after Christmas. .started exercising again two days ago and hope to keep it up. I understand that people may feel I was deceiving the guy but that was not my intention. I despair that I have a better connection and banter with him than anyone else (he has told me this) yet face to face that may count for nothing


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    #51
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I despair that I have a better connection and banter with him than anyone else (he has told me this) yet face to face that may count for nothing

    Sure that could happen for any number of reasons.

    I had a brilliant connection with a guy online before and then we met and he just was not what I expected AT ALL. He certainly looked like his photo but his photo couldnt convey how pompous he was in real life. He was actually quite effeminate and what was funny in black and white on an email became sneery in tone and behaviour. There was zero chemistry. It happens.


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    #52
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    ..to be honest I was thinking of avoiding the whole meeting up with him thing until after Christmas. .started exercising again two days ago and hope to keep it up.

    Don't do this. Don't keep him hanging on for months and months as you slowly try to shift the weight. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you - weight loss should be gradual and should promote better health in the long term; it shouldn't be done with a gun to your head in an effort to impress some lad that you don't even know. And what if you don't lose the weight and he's still there waiting in the wings?

    You've updated your whatsapp pic and that's great. But he might not see it. In fairness, they're tiny. I barely even look at them for any of my contacts. I'd suggest you update your dating profile pics too, and just leave it at that. That's if you feel comfortable and don't want to just call it quits for the moment as you work on your health and your self confidence.

    And don't feel too bad about the whole thing. People lie online, it's just a fact of life. Men lie about their height, women lie about their weight as a general rule. For any number of reasons, but usually insecurities, self denial or just wanting the ego rush of endless messages in their inbox which might not be the case if they represent themselves as they truly are.

    IME of the whole thing, meeting up before any real time has passed is key for this very reason. It cuts out time wasting for both parties. I got my own surprises a few times when I met lads who weren't quite 6 ft or anywhere near, or who were clearly a good decade older than their pics etc. It's easy to have 'chemistry' with someone from behind a computer screen but that doesn't a relationship make. You need to know what will happen face to face, and even if they're the very embodiment of their online profile, it's still nowhere near a guarantee that the same connection will exist in real life.

    If I were you, I'd take it as a wakeup call. You've gained weight and you're clearly not comfortable with it if you're not prepared to represent yourself as you are today. Forget the online dating thing and just work from there to change how you feel about yourself. The only way to deal with any problem is to face it head on - this is where I am right now, this is how I feel about it, and this is how I am going to change. To yourself AND to the world around you.


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    #53
    StanleyOllie
    Registered Users Posts: 82 ✭✭StanleyOllie


    Just send a nice recent photo...say Im working on losing a few pounds. You have a connection. Be confident, its attractive regardless. Go and meet him. Maybe you wont be attracted to him in real life. Its worth finding out though. Stop stressing and go for it. Good luck!


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    #54
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I have updated my whatsapp picture on my profile so will just see how that goes. ..to be honest I was thinking of avoiding the whole meeting up with him thing until after Christmas. .started exercising again two days ago and hope to keep it up. I understand that people may feel I was deceiving the guy but that was not my intention. I despair that I have a better connection and banter with him than anyone else (he has told me this) yet face to face that may count for nothing

    If you're still using online dating, you really need to update your pics on there as well. It's disingenuous to use pictures that don't really look like you.

    I'm a bigger girl, and when I was using dating sites, I made sure to have at least one full length picture of me. You're deceiving people and setting yourself up for failure if you're trying to hide how you really look.

    I'd rather someone look at my profile and decide not to message me because they're not interested in someone my size, than build up a connection with someone over a period of time and then go through the awkwardness and disappointment of things not working out because they don't like my body type.


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    #55
    anewme
    Registered Users Posts: 11,869 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    Take the point about the photos looking different but depending on your height size 16 is not exactly huge...


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    #56
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Let me tell you a story when I met up with a girl that had some older pictures on her profile without letting me know she didn't look like that any longer, very similar to this situation.

    In the profile she was listed as 5' 2", quite a short girl, looked to have curves, (don't all dating profiles include a "body type" option these days?) but literally in all the right places, she listed her body type as "average". Now my type isn't rake thin, but it isn't obese either. I've been attracted to girls that would be considered overweight and ones that would be very thin too. Regardless of the person's size, I find I can be attracted to them after getting to know them regardless of what they look like.

    But online dating is very different, everyone puts up photos of themselves and people base the majority of the attraction on those specific photos. The 5' 2" girl I mentioned earlier had perhaps put on a stone, maybe stone 1/2 from the photos she put up. That's quite a lot on a girl that short, she was definitely "out of shape" compared to the photos she had on her profile. The first thing she said when I almost didn't recognise her when meeting her (I'm not joking, I saw her and kept looking around for the person I was meant to be having the date with as she looked pretty different from what I was expecting) was "Do you think I look like the pictures in my profile?" giving her game away that she knew damn well she didn't look like that anymore. I was placed in a horribly awkward situation where I had to force a smile the rest of the date until I could escape or be cruelly blunt and tell her she should have more recent photos on her profile. It wasn't so much that she was overweight now, it was the deception, and obvious she was more hung up on her own weight than I would ever be. I just wanted to get away. I forced a smile through the rest of the date and didn't bother contacting her again, I couldn't even be arsed telling her about the photos.

    OP, be honest, put up recent photos and avoid putting your potential date and yourself in these awkward situations. Everyone, including yourself will be much more happy for it.


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    #57
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I have updated my whatsapp picture on my profile so will just see how that goes. ..to be honest I was thinking of avoiding the whole meeting up with him thing until after Christmas. .started exercising again two days ago and hope to keep it up. I understand that people may feel I was deceiving the guy but that was not my intention. I despair that I have a better connection and banter with him than anyone else (he has told me this) yet face to face that may count for nothing

    I think you should quit the dithering and meet him NOW. You have no idea whether or not your weight will affect how he feels about you. It's not fair to keep him hanging around until you feel better about yourself, and ultimately it may be totally unnecessary. More importantly, by the time you feel ready he may have met someone else. Why don't you just text him and say 'Look I did want to meet you on Monday but I cancelled because I am heavier now than I am in my photos and I was afraid that would put you off'. And just see what he says.


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    #58
    cookiexx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 335 ✭✭cookiexx


    It's not fair on this guy to keep him in the dark about something that may well influence his attraction to you. You're looking for a bit of romance here afterall, not a new friend, and these things count for more because of that.

    You say it wasn't intentional, but then why sign up to a dating site with old pics that don't show you as you actually are? That was a conscious decision, not an oversight. If you sent an old CV that didn't represent your work experience to a job interview you'd be quickly sent packing. This is the same thing.


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    #59
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I did this once and I regret it. I was a size 14-16 lady at the time and I went on a date with a guy I'd met online. I think the date started on a bad note. When I looked back on what happened I think he was dismayed when he saw me. We should've just parted ways at that stage instead of going ahead with the date. We had zero chemistry anyway and at some stage he passed a comment about my not being what he thought I'd be. I learned my lesson.

    Whether you choose to go on the date or to cancel is your choice. Even if you were the smaller size there is no guarantee the pair of you will click in real life. That's what I learned from online dating. If you spend too long texting and messaging a person you build up an imaginary version of them in your mind. When you get around to meeting them they're never what you thought. Sometimes they're better, sometimes they're worse. Always different though.


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    #60
    cookiexx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 335 ✭✭cookiexx


    it's just false advertising and your intentions or whatever are irrelevant.

    i think women can have a hard time with online dating because of the men that are swindled into dates with women that profess to be smaller than they are. i don't do it anymore, but when i first put up a profile on one of the popular sites i got asked again and again for lots of full length pictures. i only had one up at the time and had body type "curvy"(which i learned quickly is a synonym for "with a lot of excess baggage" lol)

    yeah people lie on their profles, but if you're attracting men that are into slim women based on your pictures and then you meet up and you're clearly not his "type", you're wasting both of your time. and for what?


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    #61
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭crackers and cheese


    I have updated my profile pictures...am not going to say it to him as that may draw attention and make my weight more of an issue...so he is bound to notice


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