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Should I say something

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  • 21-11-2015 10:49pm
    #1
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭


    So am back in the dating game....again....have been messaging a guy from tinder the last few weeks and he constantly asks to meet up...I keep making excuses but we are finally meeting on Monday ... am in a total panic as I am overweight and the pictures on my tinder profile are from over a year ago....do I say something before I meet about my weight or just go to the meet up and let him see for himself? He is the only guy I felt I could have a connection with and after daily contact for so long I am afraid of the rejection. ..I feel like weight should not be an issue but unfortunately the truth is that it's important. ..


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    #2
    athtrasna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    The essence of Tinder is that it's superficial, connections and likes are based purely on those photos. It is totally disingenuous to agree to meet someone without letting them know that you no longer look like that IMO. It happened me on one, very short, online date. There could not be a future when our meeting was founded on deceit.


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    #3
    acon2119
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭acon2119


    If weight is not an issue maybe you should have an up to date picture on the site. It would prevent you having to feel worried about the face to face meeting.


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    #4
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,576 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    How different are the pictures from the current you?

    Does the weight gain mean that the only thing that will happen when you meet is that he'll notice the difference and presumably be a bit annoyed at being kind of deceived?

    If so, maybe you should say something - maybe send a more recent picture or something -broach it in some way before the actual date.


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    #5
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    How big is the difference?
    He could feel its a very unfair thing to do, no one likes being lied to and he would have every right to be annoyed if you've mis-represented yourself. I know a lot of people do this in the hope that they will be so delighted with your personality it doesn't matter but in reality looks do matter.
    I think you should be honest and tell him and also update your photos to reflect the true you otherwise you'll run into the same problem again and again.


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    #6
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    It's ironic that you say weight should not be an issue but use old pictures on you Tinder profile. If you are not comfortable using up to date pictures you shouldn't judge other people.

    When I was using on line dating I was about 3stone heavier then I am now. I always had recent pictures on my profiles. That way from my pictures and my messages they knew exactly what they were meeting.

    I think you should tell him before you meet.


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    #7
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭crackers and cheese


    I am two stone heavier and a size 16..


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    #8
    Skoop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 52 ✭✭Skoop


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I am two stone heavier and a size 16..

    Take a couple of really nice photos of yourself in your hottest dress/outfit, tell him you got a new dress/outfit and ask if he wants to see, say if he's lucky maybe you'll wear it on the date, then send him the photos.


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    #9
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    If you're two stone heavier and a size 16, I'm gonna guess you were about a size 12 or maybe smaller in your pics?

    Tbh, that's a pretty big difference in weight to be trying to hide.

    When I was online dating, I was a fair few stone heavier than I am now. I still used pictures that were recent, including full length photos because you're just being unfair to the people messaging you otherwise.

    The guy is perfectly entitled to not like bigger women, just like you're entitled to not like red heads, or me not liking chubby men or whatever. but to deceive the person before even going on a date really doesn't bode well.

    If someone misrepresented themselves to me, even if I still liked how they looked, I'd cut contact because of the lying.

    Just send the guy a recent pic and let him decide


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    #10
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 1,986 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    I think it's a fine tactic. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you there are rules in love and war, you committed excellent propaganda and should be commended for it. Even if he is disappointed he might fall for you anyway.

    On another note, letting yourself go like that is no good you really should hit the track


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    #11
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭crackers and cheese


    I didn't intentionally set out to deceive. ...to be honest I kind of have buried my head under the sand in relation to my weight gain and it's only now as am about to meet someone who is only judging on old pics that I am forced to admit the truth to myself


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    #12
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I didn't intentionally set out to deceive. ...to be honest I kind of have buried my head under the sand in relation to my weight gain and it's only now as am about to meet someone who is only judging on old pics that I am forced to admit the truth to myself

    tbh it might be 2 stone but in a year it probably won't be a huge difference to the extent where he'll go "wtf"
    its' an older photo and a lot of people do that -but remember it's not too old.

    I wouldn't send a recent pic because that brings up the point that you believe you were being dishonest . Whereas the truth is the photo is only a year old. It's not 5 years old.

    I think you should relax go meet him and see what happens.
    try and be more confident and believe in yourself


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    #13
    bloominballix
    Site Banned Posts: 66 ✭✭bloominballix


    Look, it's only a date with some bloke you've never met before, it really is as insignificant as it sounds so treat it as such! Statistically there probably won't be a 2nd date with this guy for a 100 other reasons.

    Online dating is full of people who take a good picture, the real world is another matter. Two stone is not a massive difference, you haven't all of a sudden changed into another person! I wouldn't worry about it.


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    #14
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    I didn't intentionally set out to deceive. ...to be honest I kind of have buried my head under the sand in relation to my weight gain and it's only now as am about to meet someone who is only judging on old pics that I am forced to admit the truth to myself

    TBH there's a strong chance this chap will be surprised/taken aback that you look bigger and will reject you on that premise. Not because your extra weight makes you hideously unattractive; because your slimmer figure was part of what attracted him to you and it's a misrepresentation of you as you are now.

    That's entirely his prerogative and that's how online dating works. But if you're dealing with weight and self esteem issues, and it sounds like you are, then it's hardly going to be emotionally healthy or confidence boosting for you to be putting yourself in this position with men? Pretending to be one thing to attract them and then the stress and panic about meeting up and then the rejection when you're not how you advertised yourself. It's just going to add to your problems.

    If it were me, I'd pull down all my online dating profiles until I was ready and confident to represent myself as I am to avoid feeling the kind of insecurities and inadequacies you're currently experiencing. That might mean working on your weight to get to a place you feel comfortable, or accepting the size you are.


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    #15
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users Posts: 11,469 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    Tinder is all about looks unfortunately and lying to someone isn't fair. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, what's the point?

    You are clearly sensitive about your weight and if you go on this date, it's going to be a huge issue as he'll naturally be annoyed that he was brought on a date on false pretences and you'll be worried to hell that entire journey in about how he'll react.

    Come clean, send him honest pictures of you and if he bails, it's his loss. If there's a real connection, he'll stick with it, but give him the opportunity. You wouldn't like if you turned up and met someone who wasn't who you saw in a picture.

    But speaking from someone who went on many a Tinder date, it's horrible to be lied to and to meet someone who wasn't honest about their pictures can be a dealbreaker.

    Be honest with him ahead of time and you can go and enjoy your date and not be in a total state of panic as you said you are in. That way you know that if the date goes ahead, you'll hopefully have a great time and not have that beating you up throughout the date.


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    #16
    OnTheCouch
    Registered Users Posts: 526 ✭✭✭OnTheCouch


    I'd definitely say something. I went out with a girl with whom I'd been speaking on the internet and in the flesh she was a good bit heavier than the photos of herself she had shown me. It made the whole meeting extremely awkward. I'm sure she noticed my surprise and disappointment. In the end I think both of us were glad to get it over with.

    If you say something now, he may still take a punt on you if he likes your personality, you never know. I fear if you leave it up to the meeting though, the deception will be too big a hurdle to get over.


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    #17
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    Hi op, as a fellow heavier girl, I understand how you feel. My photos, though very up to date are only of my face and due to often good hair, make up and angle of photo, you can't really see that I am fat. It is not about deceiving people, it is about the fact that these are my best representation of me so I feel more confident sharing them.

    That said, if I get chatting to someone and we start to connect, I always will say to them something along the lines of "you do know I am a large lady don't you?" to give them an out if that is what they want but also so that if we meet, they know what to expect.

    I think being honest with him is important.

    Best of luck and if he does bail, trust me on this, there are loads of guys who like a bigger lady.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Happened to me

    Photo was deceptive, taken from a height, looking down on the girl. Pretty face.

    But in person she was at least two stone heavier.

    I stayed for the date regardless - wasn't going to bail immediately. Certainly didn't let on that I was surprised.


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    #19
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Witchie wrote: »
    My photos, though very up to date are only of my face and due to often good hair, make up and angle of photo, you can't really see that I am fat.


    I think being honest with him is important.

    Though your not being honest yourself?
    I know you go on to say you tell them once they ale contact but surely it would be better to just put up an honest photo.


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    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I'll be honest.. that would really put me off of you, if we were to meet. You weren't trying to be deceitful, but it will come across as that way to this guy, because if the difference is as you describe, then it'll be very noticeable. You should really update your profile with recent photos and let the guy make up his mind then.


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    #21
    VisibleGorilla
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭VisibleGorilla


    Witchie wrote: »
    Hi op, as a fellow heavier girl, I understand how you feel. My photos, though very up to date are only of my face and due to often good hair, make up and angle of photo, you can't really see that I am fat. It is not about deceiving people, it is about the fact that these are my best representation of me so I feel more confident sharing them..
    You're taking these photos in a specific way as to hide your weight, classic way to mask it. It is 100% deceiving... and I don't really see the point. When you meet up in real life they will see what your current weight is, and most likely be pissed off with your deceit.

    OP, this will not end well for you. Tinder is an app for casual sex, people will expect what they see, not you from 2 years ago.

    I'd abandon the date if I were you.


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    #22
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    VisibleGorilla wrote: »
    You're taking these photos in a specific way as to hide your weight, classic way to mask it. It is 100% deceiving... and I don't really see the point.

    What? How is a photo of someones face a deception?

    Unless they are photoshopping their face onto cindy crawfords body then a pic of a face is just that - a pic of a face.

    Dont make any assumptions on a pic of a face. They could be in a wheelchair, be missing a limb or be far far heavier than you might think from their face alone.

    If you see a pic of someones face and then are disappointed when you see their body you only have yourself to blame. If the body is that important then ask for a full length shot before agreeing to meet up.


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    #23
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    intheclouds wrote: »
    What? How is a photo of someones face a deception?

    Unless they are photoshopping their face onto cindy crawfords body then a pic of a face is just that - a pic of a face.

    Dont make any assumptions on a pic of a face. They could be in a wheelchair, be missing a limb or be far far heavier than you might think from their face alone.

    If you see a pic of someones face and then are disappointed when you see their body you only have yourself to blame. If the body is that important then ask for a full length shot before agreeing to meet up.

    Exactly. From my pics you can usually see some of my upper body and most guys say they knew I was large from my pics. What I mean with good angle etc is that I present myself in my best light


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    #24
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Witchie wrote: »
    Exactly. From my pics you can usually see some of my upper body and most guys say they knew I was large from my pics. What I mean with good angle etc is that I present myself in my best light

    Well of course, who doesnt?

    Who puts up full body posing pics anyway?


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    #25
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Well of course, who doesnt?

    Who puts up full body posing pics anyway?

    Everybody should. At least then it is known what the body type is, because, let's be honest here, a lot of people don't necessarily like bigger people.


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    #26
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    intheclouds wrote: »
    Well of course, who doesnt?

    Who puts up full body posing pics anyway?

    This is a different topic to the ops question though. She has put up old photos which don't represent how she actually looks.


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    #27
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Everybody should. At least then it is known what the body type is, because, let's be honest here, a lot of people don't necessarily like bigger people.

    Surely the filter for such people is that if they havent seen a full body pic then they dont take the risk in case the person is carrying a few pounds?

    I mean it seems pretty obvious to me that if you have a big issue with body shape or size then you dont meet someone based on a pic of their face alone? Am I missing something here?


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    #28
    crackers and cheese
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭crackers and cheese


    To be fair the guy never asked me for more pics or requested any other than what he could see on profile. ..initially I took this as genuine interest in me and not just my figure as in my experience on tinder you can normally tell the guys who are just after one thing from what questions they ask u and what they request...I cancelled the date for Monday and just don't know where to go from here....again to reiterate ..I did not intentionally set out to deceive. ...I put up the pics that I felt showed me at my happiest and finest...


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    #29
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    crackers and cheese wrote: »
    To be fair the guy never asked me for more pics or requested any other than what he could see on profile. ..initially I took this as genuine interest in me and not just my figure as in my experience on tinder you can normally tell the guys who are just after one thing from what questions they ask u and what they request...I cancelled the date for Monday and just don't know where to go from here....again to reiterate ..I did not intentionally set out to deceive. ...I put up the pics that I felt showed me at my happiest and finest...

    Why don't you just put up pics that show how you really look?


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    #30
    VisibleGorilla
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭VisibleGorilla


    intheclouds wrote: »
    What? How is a photo of someones face a deception?

    Unless they are photoshopping their face onto cindy crawfords body then a pic of a face is just that - a pic of a face.

    Dont make any assumptions on a pic of a face. They could be in a wheelchair, be missing a limb or be far far heavier than you might think from their face alone.

    If you see a pic of someones face and then are disappointed when you see their body you only have yourself to blame. If the body is that important then ask for a full length shot before agreeing to meet up.
    You have got to be having a laugh... the poster said they are taken in such a way to show them in the best possible light - not how they actually look in real life. This is a common tactic used by overweight people to mask the weight, photo from the top looking down, just the face, etc...

    They very well could be in a wheelchair and I'd expect this to be visible in other photos. I'd agree that anyone would have themselves to blame, but even with these angles to attempt to mask out reality it's pretty easy to tell.

    There really is no point in doing anything like using these angles/older photos/etc... as you'll eventually meet up and you cannot hide yourself in real life. Pointless.


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    #31
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    VisibleGorilla wrote: »
    You have got to be having a laugh...

    No, I think you dont understand that it is normal to use a good photo of yourself on an online profile - people will hardly use a bad one will they?

    Its not some great mysterious "tactic", its just human nature to use a pic where the light is good and you look well rather than one where youve been caught at a bad angle and look awful.

    Simple really.


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