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Girlfriend not paying for anything

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    #32
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I think she was a bit daft to buy you an expensive present when she can't pay for the cinema? How did she save for the gift? Is she one of these people who have 'no money' despite having €5k in a savings account?


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    #33
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »
    So I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. She is a from a foreign country and requires a visa for Ireland. She was pretty successful back in her own country. She went to university and had a great career job. Her family don’t have much money and she said that she helped them out a lot by paying for bills and expenses when she was living there.

    At the start of the relationship I was crazy about her. She was one of the best looking girls that I have even seen never mind being with. I thought she was perfect for me but recently I have started doubting myself.

    In Ireland she doesn’t have a great job. It is extremely low paying – only €200 p/w working full time. She hates going in everyday and only does it for the money. She says next year that she will look for a job in her career and I firmly believe her. The money that she earns also has to pay for rent and bills. She shares a double room with 2 other people and she sleeps on a blow up mattress on the floor. Its very small but I believe the rent is also quite reasonable.

    She had some savings from her career job that she used to pay for flights home for Christmas to see her family. She is also using the last of her savings to fly back to Ireland, pay for another visa and school. After that she will have no money and no savings left. She prefers her own country, misses her family and says that she is only in Ireland because of me.

    Now I have a good career job but it not the greatest pay. I have a great house that I rent and can afford to get by on my own.

    The main problem is that she doesn’t offer to pay for anything. Ever since the start of the relationship I paid for everything. She would only drink about 2 drinks on a night out so that was fine. But anytime we go out for a meal she never even offers to contribute anything. If we go to the cinema I end up paying for the tickets. I also pay for any sporting events or concerts. She spends about 5 days a week in my house but never contributes to any of the bills or rent – which I would never expect her to as she is a guest. I pay for the groceries for the house in which she tends to eat a lot of dinner. We went away on 2 weekends away – one in Ireland and the other in Europe. The only thing she paid for were the flights to Europe. I paid for literally everything else. She used to say thank for when I paid for things, now she doesn’t and it feels like my obligation to pay for everything. She often makes requests to go away to Europe for a weekend or go on a skiing holiday. I tend to refuse saying I don’t have the money. She doesn’t ask to be taken out for dinner often but never refuses when I ask.

    Now when she comes back to Ireland, she wants to move in with me but will only be working part time due to her visa but eventually wants to find a job in her career. When she gets back she will probably contribute less than what she is now. She did spend quite a reasonable amount of money on me for a Christmas present so it’s not all bad. I just find it difficult to support us both financially at the same time having some sort of social life.

    She doesn’t talk that much to a lot of my friends – only a few words. I brought her out for a Christmas party but we ended up sitting in the corner together and she didn’t really want to mix.

    So am I being taken for a mug here? Is she taking advantage of me? Is it reasonable of me to want her to pay for more even thou its still hard on her financially?

    I know she couldn’t afford to pay 50/50 for all the dinners and pay for her flights but a little contribution would have went a long way. Even for the principal of it. If she contributed more, I would have helped her out on flights etc. But now I won’t. She also managed to save €400 when she was working this last while.


    She is poor and doesn't have the money to pay. It's that simple. She is barely scrapping by you can tell this by the fact that she doesn't even have a bed.

    I think if anyone I liked didn't have a bed I would 'get it'.

    Look I don't know if she is a goldigger but you are going to have to 'get' that if she is poor she can't afford stuff. If she is hungry it's a pretty natural human response to want to eat. If she can't afford it herself tha's as poor as you can get.

    She is working a really really low paid job. I am pretty shocked at how oblivious you are to her position.

    I don't have much money it's tough if you are broke. Obviously i am not in your gf's position. But i can't afford to finance half of a lifestyle someone else thinks is 'normal ' and i would never want to. If my bf was in any way indifferent to my issues i would end it.You sound a little cold. Think about it she is sleeping on a blow up bed. Jesus if my brothers mates friends brothers girlfriend had no bed i would be trying to help her myself!
    Like the 1000s of other foreign students who come here to Ireland she works as an au pair minding children. She gets paid cash in hand from the family. Yes it is below minimum wage and all her friends get paid the same.

    This is not right you need to help her! Get her some legal advice!

    I'm sorry but i can't believe you as a person who cares about her haven't tried to get her out of this situation.

    Here is what you do. Organize a proper work visa it will be easier that she is here already. Write to your local td etc it makes a diff.

    Help her find a better job.

    As soon as she gets one report that family immediately!

    Otherwise ask her truly if she would prefer to move home it doesn't seem like there is much of a life for her here.

    If i cared for someone i think i would rather know they had a good life somewhere far away than a hard one here.

    In asking her to move i think you made things a lot worse for her because it was better for you as a couple.

    If she is taking advantage then say it to her. Relationships where there is a huge disparity in money don't work for this very scenario. One person feels used and the other can't keep up and feels their partner does not get what they are dealing with.

    It sounds like you had a hand in making the situation much worse for her because it was best for your relationship which is very selfish.

    If you feel you doubt her character then end the relationship but try and help her see she is being exploited. This could be damaging to someone to have to live this way if she falls through the net. And that family will keep doing this to others.

    Start thinking humanistically towards this person.

    I am actually shocked at your attitude to be honest.


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    #34
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    The girl doesn't even have a bed op, I think you should ease up on wanting her to wine and dine you.


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    #35
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »
    <Mod Snip: Please don't quote a whole post. Scrolling down through the same bodies of text becomes tedious>
    I re-read your post.

    I was thinking of this and the more I think about it the more I think that this is a negative relationship for your GF and that you should seriously consider telling this girl she is better off going home.

    She is sharing a bedroom with 2 others. And on a blow up bed. I am not a legal expert but it sounds like a landlord would have to be looking the other way etc. So not only is she being exploited by her employers but also a landlord.


    She is only staying for you. She doesn't want to be here. She is in a terrible situation here.

    You seem very self orientated. It's all about you.

    She is the one being take for a mug by her landlord and her employers.

    She is not an EU citizen and unless she gets citizenship it is going to be hard for her to get a decent job unless she gets it.

    I think you need to look at her situation realistically. I don't know how you could look and someone you love /like and let them be treated so lowly without taking action.

    I really think you need to consider asking her if she would be happier going home. In the end she is only here for you. But also it might be she is feeling stuck. Or she is making the relationship way too important because she is in a ****ty situation.

    This relationship doesn't seem good for either of you. It's toxic to you both.

    The Migrant Rights Centre Ireland (MRCI) maybe can help her.
    The Au Pair is not a worker. It was intended to be a cultural exchange programme. Au pairs are not protected by employment legislation. However, the research shows they are being used as a cheap form of labour to provide childcare.

    There are reports of women doing 60 + hrs on 110 euro a week with room and board. It is not regulated and people exploit it.

    You say she promises to get a job in her area. There is no guarantee of that at all. Especially if her qualifications are not Irish.

    You seem very naive to her situation.

    I don't think she is using you. I do however think this relationship is very bad for both of you and it is perhaps a distraction for her of how bad things are.

    I think for her sake and for yours you should chat about her moving back for a better life.

    If you love someone sometimes you have to let them go.

    I don't think if you love someone you could stand to see them treated so.


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    #36
    ratmouse
    Registered Users Posts: 2,856 ✭✭✭ratmouse


    I know of some people who actively choose to live like this in order just to save a few quid, ie, sharing rooms in order to pay very little rent and put the need for a bit of comfort aside. Also, people can lie about how much money they have and how much money they make/save. Just saying.


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    #37
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    ratmouse wrote: »
    I know of some people who actively choose to live like this in order just to save a few quid, ie, sharing rooms in order to pay very little rent and put the need for a bit of comfort aside. Also, people can lie about how much money they have and how much money they make/save. Just saying.
    Who would choose that?
    It doesn't sound like this is the situation here at all. It sounds to me like he is insensitive.
    Then for the good of them both they should end it and she should go back to her own country and make a better life for herself she is not happy here anyway. And he had date someone who already has a better standard of living. It's not a good relationship for her or for him. In fact it has impacted very negatively on her life. And to a lesser extent his.They will both be happier.

    He is asking her to contribute money that simply is not there. It's not going to magically appear.

    He can't afford to finance a life for them both and she can't afford to finance a life for one here.

    I think it's going to end up they separate anyway. She shouldn't have to live like this.

    They can wish each other well. He can find someone able to contribute financially and she can have a much happier life.


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    #38
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has resulted in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.


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    #39
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    Littlekittylou wrote: »
    Who would choose that?
    <Mod Snip: Please only quote relevant text to highlight your point. Don't clog up the thread with duplicate posts>


    People wanting to save as much as possible for a down payment on a mortgage or similar for one.


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    #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    CaraMay wrote: »
    It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has reduced in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

    I hardly call her current living situation 100% her choice. The OP clearly states the choice for her to move from living with a family and get free room and board to sharing one room with two people and sleeping on an air mattress was decided by both of them not just her. The OP wasn't happy with how much time he got to spend with her as they could stay at her place clearly as she was living with a family and couldn't stay overnight as often as the OP wanted due to work commitments and while he says they there's a clear red flag there that he pushed a little more then she did for the living situation change. The OP has stated she's not happy in Ireland and only stays for him. Sounds like she is infatuated and willing to do what ever for the OP. Maybe the cynical part of me wonders if she's just with him so she can stay in the country but if that were the case she'd have pushed to move in with him straight away and get herself well attached to him and wouldn't be wasting what little cash she has on presents.

    So she paid for her flights and expensive present....she wanted to pay what she could for the holiday and she's got the wrong priorities when it comes to spending money on gifts, I know plenty people like her. Knowing what Au Pairs earn I highly doubt she's squirreling away thousands while making the OP pay for stuff.


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    #41
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    DoYouEvenLift wrote: »
    People wanting to save as much as possible for a down payment on a mortgage or similar for one.
    She is being exploited simple as and her boyfriend doesn't seem to realize. She is not going to end up with a downpayment to a mortgage. In fact it would be easy for her to end up homeless or fall off the grid.

    Talking about her 'eating a lot of dinner' seems cold or petty.


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    #42
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    CaraMay wrote: »
    It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has reduced in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.
    She is the last person you could say has a the world owes me a living mentality in fact it does owe her one because she is working and not getting one.

    The family she works for does though. No she didn't choose she got stuck with it.
    How can people be so cold?


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    #43
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    Littlekittylou wrote: »
    She is being exploited simple as and her boyfriend doesn't seem to realize. She is not going to end up with a downpayment to a mortgage. In fact it would be easy for her to end up homeless or fall off the grid.

    Talking about her 'eating a lot of dinner' seems cold or petty.


    Lol I wasn't talking about her, was directed as a general answer to that part of your post


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    #44
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    cant log in wrote: »
    Knowing Au Pairs earn I highly doubt she's squirreling away thousands while making the OP pay for stuff.
    This. It's known they can earn even less to be honest. Families who can't afford childcare use what is meant to be a cultural exchange for a young person.


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    #45
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    DoYouEvenLift wrote: »
    Lol I wasn't talking about her, was directed as a general answer to that part of your post
    whatever.


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    #46
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Littlekittylou - everybody here is entitled to a (constructive) opinion about the OP's issue - if you disagree with them, fine, but this isn't the forum to debate them in. No more of these seriously off topic posts please.


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    #47
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Littlekittylou - everybody here is entitled to a (constructive) opinion about the OP's issue - if you disagree with them, fine, but this isn't the forum to debate them in. No more of these seriously off topic posts please.
    apologies.


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    #48
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,143 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    I like the other posters OP am a little aghast at how 'ok' you are with your gurlfrjend's current situation. I don't know how you can tolerate someone you care about living on a blow up mattress.

    She's broke, that's clear and also partially down to you.

    Like another poster I'm also unclear as to whether you love her as all you have mentioned are her looks and her unwillingness to mix at a party. Irish people can be a lot more sociable and more at ease in big groups of friends whereas others can stick with their partners a lot more (not saying all, just some foreign friends I have noticed this with). Perhaps she feel uneasy?

    I think you need to decide if you want to be with her or not then either a) end it and suggest she go home to a better life or b) ask her to move in and help her with her working situation.

    I don't think her paying for dinner is even an issue here.


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    #49
    StormWarrior
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭StormWarrior


    CaraMay wrote: »
    It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has resulted in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

    OP, I hope you disregard the advice above, as it's very unfair on your girlfriend, unconstructive and won't help your relationship with her at all. I seriously doubt it's the girlfriend's fault she ended up in this situation. When families advertise for au pairs, they do tend to make the situation sound much better than it will be, and when they have the au pair in their clutches they often then dramatically increase the workload, and reduce the pay and benefits. This is an extremely common situation and one of the reasons why so few au pairs manage to stick the whole time out. Bear in mind that most au pairs are quite young and inexperienced, they'll be expecting the host family to stick to the terms promised. Then they find themselves in a strange country with no friends or family for back-up, and it's virtually impossible to even find another host family to switch to, never mind actually get a proper job.

    She also isn't "standing with her hand out." She's contributed what she can to the holidays and it sounds like it's your idea, OP to be eating out and things like that.

    Even if she manages to stick out her full time as an au pair, what happens then? Unless you're going to marry her, she'll end up going home anyway, you two will break up anyway. She'll have spend a year of her life being poor and miserable for nothing. OP, I really think you should tell her to go back home.


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    #50
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    this is getting over exaggerated. The woman is an adult. She can accept a job or not accept a job. she can choose to live in the au pairs house or choose to share a bedroom on a blow up mattress. she can choose to see her boyfriend or not see him. She can choose to go home or stay here.


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    #51
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    The op chose to move out of the family home so technically she is not an au pair any more, she is a child minder. I'll bet the family are paying her now what they paid her then except her room and board was free. She is now their employee and should be registered for taxation purposes. She is not an au pair anymore. That's her choice.


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    #52
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    CaraMay wrote: »
    The op chose to move out of the family home so technically she is not an au pair any more, she is a child minder. I'll bet the family are paying her now what they paid her then except her room and board was free. She is now their employee and should be registered for taxation purposes. She is not an au pair anymore. That's her choice.

    The OP isn't the au pair, he's the BF. His GF is not an EU national and is here on a visa to work as au pair and study so chances are either she isn't going to push for change in job description for fear of it effecting her visa or she doesn't know what her rights are.

    The OP asked was he been taken for a mug and while there's lots of discussion on who, what and where of the GF nothing he's posted makes it sound like he's been taken for a mug. Like I said there are loads of things she could have asked him to pay for if she was trying to take him for a mug. She either thinks as he's her BF he would like to spend money on them going on dates etc and the OP has not said anything to make her think otherwise or her cultural background that expects men to pay for these sort of things. Easy solution OP should talk to his GF


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    #53
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    can't log in wrote: »
    The OP isn't the au pair, he's the BF. His GF is not an EU national and is here on a visa to work as au pair and study so chances are either she isn't going to push for change in job description for fear of it effecting her visa or she doesn't know what her rights are.

    The OP asked was he been taken for a mug and while there's lots of discussion on who, what and where of the GF nothing he's posted makes it sound like he's been taken for a mug. Like I said there are loads of things she could have asked him to pay for if she was trying to take him for a mug. She either thinks as he's her BF he would like to spend money on them going on dates etc and the OP has not said anything to make her think otherwise or her cultural background that expects men to pay for these sort of things. Easy solution OP should talk to his GF



    Yeah sure all that was crystal clear 3 pages ago. Op talk to her but don't feel guilty. We all have to pay our way in the world.


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    #54
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    power pants wrote: »
    this is getting over exaggerated. The woman is an adult. She can accept a job or not accept a job. she can choose to live in the au pairs house or choose to share a bedroom on a blow up mattress. she can choose to see her boyfriend or not see him. She can choose to go home or stay here.
    this is true however i think it is in her best interests to go home and he should consider preparing for this.


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    #55
    ratmouse
    Registered Users Posts: 2,856 ✭✭✭ratmouse


    Bottom line, the OP is fed up if the fact that, on the whole, she doesn't pay for anything. Regardless of her financial situation and what she can and cant afford, she should at least have the decency to have come straight out and spoke of how she may not be able to contribute much financially rather than just sitting back and being in receipt of luxuries that she would not supposedly be able to afford. Regardless of how much you love someone, nobody should be expected to quietly carry the financial burden for everything.


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