Girlfriend not paying for anything

LegacyUser

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. She is a from a foreign country and requires a visa for Ireland. She was pretty successful back in her own country. She went to university and had a great career job. Her family don’t have much money and she said that she helped them out a lot by paying for bills and expenses when she was living there.

At the start of the relationship I was crazy about her. She was one of the best looking girls that I have even seen never mind being with. I thought she was perfect for me but recently I have started doubting myself.

In Ireland she doesn’t have a great job. It is extremely low paying – only €200 p/w working full time. She hates going in everyday and only does it for the money. She says next year that she will look for a job in her career and I firmly believe her. The money that she earns also has to pay for rent and bills. She shares a double room with 2 other people and she sleeps on a blow up mattress on the floor. Its very small but I believe the rent is also quite reasonable.

She had some savings from her career job that she used to pay for flights home for Christmas to see her family. She is also using the last of her savings to fly back to Ireland, pay for another visa and school. After that she will have no money and no savings left. She prefers her own country, misses her family and says that she is only in Ireland because of me.

Now I have a good career job but it not the greatest pay. I have a great house that I rent and can afford to get by on my own.

The main problem is that she doesn’t offer to pay for anything. Ever since the start of the relationship I paid for everything. She would only drink about 2 drinks on a night out so that was fine. But anytime we go out for a meal she never even offers to contribute anything. If we go to the cinema I end up paying for the tickets. I also pay for any sporting events or concerts. She spends about 5 days a week in my house but never contributes to any of the bills or rent – which I would never expect her to as she is a guest. I pay for the groceries for the house in which she tends to eat a lot of dinner. We went away on 2 weekends away – one in Ireland and the other in Europe. The only thing she paid for were the flights to Europe. I paid for literally everything else. She used to say thank for when I paid for things, now she doesn’t and it feels like my obligation to pay for everything. She often makes requests to go away to Europe for a weekend or go on a skiing holiday. I tend to refuse saying I don’t have the money. She doesn’t ask to be taken out for dinner often but never refuses when I ask.

Now when she comes back to Ireland, she wants to move in with me but will only be working part time due to her visa but eventually wants to find a job in her career. When she gets back she will probably contribute less than what she is now. She did spend quite a reasonable amount of money on me for a Christmas present so it’s not all bad. I just find it difficult to support us both financially at the same time having some sort of social life.

She doesn’t talk that much to a lot of my friends – only a few words. I brought her out for a Christmas party but we ended up sitting in the corner together and she didn’t really want to mix.

So am I being taken for a mug here? Is she taking advantage of me? Is it reasonable of me to want her to pay for more even thou its still hard on her financially?

I know she couldn’t afford to pay 50/50 for all the dinners and pay for her flights but a little contribution would have went a long way. Even for the principal of it. If she contributed more, I would have helped her out on flights etc. But now I won’t. She also managed to save €400 when she was working this last while.

Idle Passerby

In a way she is taking advantage but it sounds like you've made it very easy for her to do this, even encouraged it by paying for so much stuff that she now takes it for granted.

You know she has a very poorly paying job and you've been aware of this from the start so its a bit odd that you are only now realising she cant pay her way (or see's no reason to when you've been footing the bill so far). You also know shes sleeping on a blow up mattress in a room with three other people, so its not at all surprising she chooses to spend so much time at your house, and again, it sounds like you have not discouraged it. You're even throwing dinner in with the bargain so from her point of view there is a big incentive to spend so much time there.

Since your starting to dislike this arrangement you will have to phase out offering to pay for so many things. There is no point suggesting going out for meals with someone who simply cant afford to pay for restaurants. Next time she suggests a holiday ask her if she intends to pay for herself as you cant afford to cover two people.

I would question her assertion that she will look for a job "next year". Why is she happy to work for peanuts now if she's able to get a job that pays properly? Are you sure she really earns as little as she says? She has savings from a job she had before she moved to this country? And those savings are paying for flights home? When she's earning well below minimum wage and living in a hovel? If she was paid so well in her home country why is she living on a pittance here in overcrowded digs?

ratmouse

Sounds like she is now used to being treated essentially like a princess. Call her out on it. Have a proper honest chat never mind weaning her off the good times that she had become accustomed to.

LegacyUser

Your post title isn't really right OP as she does pay for things - she paid for her flights and paid for by your own admission an expensive xmas pressie for you even though she has very little income. Usually when people post about one partner not paying their fair share they usually have the means to pay but just don't. Your GF doesn't have the means but have you made it clear to her that your not rolling in it either?

In answer to your question are you being taken for a mug? Honestly I don't think so as you say yourself she doesn't look for you to buy her expensive things or take her out to meals, you suggest it so she may wrongly assume that means your paying for it. I don't agree with her not paying her way but it doesn't sound like she's intentionally trying to get money out of you or is only with you to get you to pay for things. She's paid for her own flights home etc etc If she was trying to take you for a mug she'd be looking for you to cover those and planning to become a house wife and sit at home all day. Doesn't sound like that's what she wants to do from what you've written but you know her OP we don't.

She may not release how much time she is spending at yours (sharing a room and sleeping on a blow up mattress doesn't sound like fun so if I was her I'd spend as much time at my BF's as I could) and doesn't think to contribute towards bills and food. I find a lot of couples don't think of that, I've done my time in house shares over the years and you get OH's coming over using everything in the house and never thinking to replace or contribute money towards bills etc If she wants to move in have you discussed bills etc with her? Have you talked to her at all about spending money on dates or trips?

I do feel like her finical set up is the minor issue here. Do you actual like this girl, enjoy spending time with her alone and socially? Do you see a future with her? I think firstly you need to have a think about this relationship. You need to decide if you do see it going long term as it you state she is only coming back to Ireland because of you and doesn't sound like she is overly happy here so if you don't see a future with her you need to tell her now.

beks101

Perhaps it's a cultural thing and she's used to the man paying for everything. Or perhaps her severe lack of money is the reason. Might be both of those things, combined with a seeming willingness from you to foot the bills and her sort of taking that for granted over time.

It's very hard to relate to as I'd be the direct opposite to your gf and can't really understand what appears to be a sort of sense of entitlement, but again, there may be cultural aspects at play.

Without having a word with her and expressing your feelings, there's very little you can do as I doubt she's going to suddenly start pulling her wallet out of her pocket.

Start by telling her you know how difficult it is for her and how tight things are owing to circumstances, but that you're used to a more even financial divide in your relationships and it's hitting your pocket a bit too hard to ignore. What would she be comfortable paying for in the future? Maybe you could go even stevens on dinner from now on? Take turns to pay for dates? Or if she's coming to stay with you for five days, she could pick up some groceries on the way?

R.D. aka MR.D

Really, OP?

Why have you let this go on for so long?

Yes, you are being taken for a mug but you have let her. It's almost 2015! Women can pay their own share and should.

The way I see it, although it may sound harsh, is that you are paying to have a girlfriend. Would she still be with you if you didn't pay all of these things for her?
If the answer is no, then is that the kind of relationship you want? Nothing wrong with it if you're okay with it but it seems like you're not.

Tell her that you won't pay for things anymore. End of story.

Also, the fact that she is from a different country doesn't really matter. I live in Asia so I see plenty of guys forking out money on dinners, handbags etc etc to get with the local girls. But the guys that I know in genuine relationships with the locals make it clear that they aren't a cash cow. They pay for things equally.

DoYouEvenLift

I wouldn't have even went further than the 2nd or 3rd date if she didn't even offer to chip in. You're a patient person, op. You should bring it up in a non accusing way because more than likely she's sticking with whatever the tradition is where she's from.


10 months is a long time and you've basically let her go unchallenged on this when it should've been discussed much earlier on and now she's more than likely feeling entitled to the free ride you've seemed to happily provide her.

stuboy01

[She was one of the best looking girls that I have even seen never mind being with. I thought she was perfect for me but recently I have started doubting myself.]

Op. Do you actually like this girl for her personality or is she an ego booster for you that you are not prepared to pay for?
The quote above is the only characteristic you mention about her. From your post its obvious that your girlfriend lives in poverty. 200 per week! Minus rent and travel to work, groceries, elec, gas, phone line, tv licence etc = no disposable income.

If your only interested in her because she's good looking, do her a favour and break up with her so she can go home and get her career back on track.
She's. Said that she's only here because of you...she's prepared to live in poverty to be with you and your bitching about it.
The reason your bitching about it is that your not with her for the right reason. Why don't you move home with her and get a crap job to be with her?
Then you can complain about how she has to pay for you all the time cos you've no money.
Btw I'm a bloke. A bloke that has supported his gf over some hard years when she couldn't get a job. And during the recession she did the same for me. That's what relationships are about.

sunshine and showers

OP, where does she work that she's being paid €200 for a full time job? That's not just ridiculously low, it's illegal.

tara73

sunshine and showers wrote: »

OP, where does she work that she's being paid €200 for a full time job? That's not just ridiculously low, it's illegal.

she's paid 200 per week, makes 800 a month.

I think she's behaving disresepctful in expecting you to pay for everything. the point is, she doesn't seem to bother about it, as somebody said, she seems to have this sense of entitlement and I would hate that in a relationship.

maybe she is tight with money, but a decent person would mention it and would want to discuss it, for example making a plan and offering to pay you back when she gets a better job.

and to be honest, you said she's sharing with two more people one room. She can't be paying much more than 250 € a month for it, so there's still 550 left. what's she doing with it? it's still possible to pay for groceries and the odd meal out.
I think she's taking advantage big time of you. have a proper chat with her, can't continue like this.

Ann84

Op, she earns very little...
If she earns 200 a week, I'm not surprised she's not offering to pay for dinner. If you have an issue with it, eat in, get DVDs rather than go to the cinema etc.
I was on that money once and it's not much living...
I have a partner now and we both earn good money now, but what if one of lost our jobs and ended up on the dole... Do I dump him? Do I expect our lives would be the same? Would I expect him to pay for non essentials? Do I call him a mooch?!?!
Cut your cloth op, she can't afford to do the things you want, talk about what you can afford to do, pick a date night and both contribute, talk about shopping during the week etc. Managing your money as a couple is important.
It doesn't sound like ye are communicating well about money but you can't really say she's taking advantage when she can't afford to do things you want!
As for the savings, you can't begrudge her saving either! That's really none of your business, if you want her to contribute - tell her, other than that what she does with her money is her business, although I think it's very prudent of her really, she could be buying clothes... Or shoes!

As for the rest of it, doesn't sound like you are all that happy with her but I suspect money is not really the core issue here, more an excuse.

Hope it works out for you op

Aber2012

I agree, if she has a visa she should be getting at least the minimum wage? I (female), have been through some extremely difficult times and was single and managed by myself. Then I met my other half, I initially did not want to tell him what a horrible financial mess I was! And managed a few weeks of paying half and half for dinner, nights out etc. Its 2014, no woman should be expecting to be wined and dined and taken here there and everywhere without contributing, I believe relationships go half and half with the odd few exceptions- like "my treat this time" if you get me. Otherwise this will be brought up, there will be resentment. Eventually I had to tell him of my situation as I couldn't keep up, and wouldn't even dream of letting him pay for everything, even though I knew he would. Honestly is the best policy. I'm also a cynic...... I know how women think, .... She's hardly only staying in Ireland in this kind of poverty - for you? It's harsh reality, but as others have said you've made life a lot easier for her, she's not even grateful anymore? Is this a genuine person who cares for you? If she had a good job and got herself sorted out, went home to her "career job" I wonder would she look back twice at you? Her behaviour is something you would hear from a 10 year marriage not 10months. If you can't support someone in financial difficulties after years of being together then you simply don't care, but you're not expected to fully support someone after 10 months and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Ps I hope you get this sorted ASAP and can have a good Christmas- worry free.

sunshine and showers

tara73 wrote: »

she's paid 200 per week, makes 800 a month.

I think she's behaving disresepctful in expecting you to pay for everything. the point is, she doesn't seem to bother about it, as somebody said, she seems to have this sense of entitlement and I would hate that in a relationship.

maybe she is tight with money, but a decent person would mention it and would want to discuss it, for example making a plan and offering to pay you back when she gets a better job.

and to be honest, you said she's sharing with two more people one room. She can't be paying much more than 250 € a month for it, so there's still 550 left. what's she doing with it? it's still possible to pay for groceries and the odd meal out.
I think she's taking advantage big time of you. have a proper chat with her, can't continue like this.

€200 is considerably less than the minimum wage. You have no idea what her rent payments are like, or her bills or other costs.

I'm not saying she isn't taking advantage of the OP to a certain extent, but let's not pretend that that is a normal wage for a full time job.

dellas1979

I think you both need a reality check here.

You kindof dug a hole for yourself mate, albeit a good intentioned one.

If youve never talked to her about these issues, how is she supposed to know that you do mind?

Different now if youve already tried to have this chat, and shes just like "no pay for everything". Then I think you mightve have a problem.

At the moment, saying nothing, and continuing to pay for everything, funding both lifestyles, is keeping you in that hole.

So, learn something here, and just speak up when you feel there is an issue about something.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response guys. OP here.

Like the 1000s of other foreign students who come here to Ireland she works as an au pair minding children. She gets paid cash in hand from the family. Yes it is below minimum wage and all her friends get paid the same.

She was initially here to study english but decided to stay longer. She hasnt looked for a career job yet as she hasnt yet finished her english cv. I was helping her do it but got ploughed down with work commitments myself so I firmly believe her that she is looking for a career job.

I do enjoy her personality but the relationship needs a bit of work. We sometimes argue but love each other and want it to work out. Its still too early in the relationship to say if it can work out her long term or if its time to move on.

I understand that its financially difficult for her. But sometimes she suggests that she "wants to be taken out for dinner" or that she would love to go to a Japanese / Thai / Indian restaurant. Not all the time but sometimes. It would be nice if she could at least pay for the coffee afterwards. Or at times it would be nice if she even offered to pay at little of what she could afford.

I realise that this is something that I should have discussed a long time ago. I talk to her about it as soon as I can.

CaraMay

Next time she 'suggests' it just say 'I'm broke this week, do you kind paying'

bellda

That's a tough one op. What I would do is work out roughly how much you spend on her each week and weigh it up against the cost of 30mins with a decent prostitute. If the whore costs less then go with that. Prostitutes are generally good looking and I'm sure you could get by with sex once a week.

Tokyo

bellda - seeing as you are a new member here, please read the forum charter before posting in Personal Issues again. Posting as you have is (a) unhelpful and (b) in breach of the charter, and further posts like this will bring an infraction or ban.

Regards,
Mike

Penny Tration

Why is she paying rent if she's an au pair? Generally, au pairs are either living with the family, or paid minimum wage.

sunshine and showers

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

Why is she paying rent if she's an au pair? Generally, au pairs are either living with the family, or paid minimum wage.

That would be my understanding of it too. A "live-out" au pair isn't actually the same as an au pair, in legal terms. They are supposed to be treated like any other employee with minimum wage being paid and taxes, etc.

I'd be worried that she's letting herself be taken for an absolute ride by her employers and not seeking to rectify the situation. You seem a bit like a safety net as well as a boyfriend.

Flippyfloppy

If she's an Aupajr why on Earth is she sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor in a room with 2 other people? Does she share with the kids, the parents? Does she live in some weird aupair house? 200 a week is only acceptable the family provide accomadation and 3 meals a day.

Stavro Mueller

She prefers her own country, misses her family and says that she is only in Ireland because of me....

...She doesn’t talk that much to a lot of my friends – only a few words. I brought her out for a Christmas party but we ended up sitting in the corner together and she didn’t really want to mix.

These two sentences caught my attention. If you stay together, I can see the issue of her wanting to move home coming up. She's not making any effort to mix with anyone and you've been told you're the only reason she's still here. Very tenuous. Are you prepared to up sticks and move to her country when she finds being away from her family and her home is making her miserable? This is something that can and does finish relationships. I personally know two people (1 marriage, 1 serious relationship) which ended because of it.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

If she's an Aupajr why on Earth is she sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor in a room with 2 other people? Does she share with the kids, the parents? Does she live in some weird aupair house? 200 a week is only acceptable the family provide accomadation and 3 meals a day.

She is a live out au pair. She previously worked as an live in au pair and it was horrible for both of us. She couldnt sleep over in mine any weekday and had to be home early during the week too. Also, any time the parents wanted to go out at the weekend she was left minding the kids at weekend nights too. She felt that she wanted to seperate her work and living space. Both of us decided it was best she get a live out au pair.

She shares a room with 2 of her friends now.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

These two sentences caught my attention. If you stay together, I can see the issue of her wanting to move home coming up. She's not making any effort to mix with anyone and you've been told you're the only reason she's still here. Very tenuous. Are you prepared to up sticks and move to her country when she finds being away from her family and her home is making her miserable? This is something that can and does finish relationships. I personally know two people (1 marriage, 1 serious relationship) which ended because of it.

I know this is something that makes the relationship difficult. We have discussed this matter. We know the relationship is alot harder than if it was with 2 people from the same country. The relationship is not perfect but I do love her and want it to work out. We think that everything will be alot better when she gets a career job and makes more friends here.

m'lady

Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »

She is a live out au pair. She previously worked as an live in au pair and it was horrible for both of us. She couldnt sleep over in mine any weekday and had to be home early during the week too. Also, any time the parents wanted to go out at the weekend she was left minding the kids at weekend nights too. She felt that she wanted to seperate her work and living space. Both of us decided it was best she get a live out au pair.

She shares a room with 2 of her friends now.

Do you not think that the fact that both of you decided for her to live out that you, perhaps unknownst to yourself gave the impression that you'd help her financially? Surely to god you realised that she couldn't offer to pay for much when she's living in €200 a week and paying rent/bills etc.
I'm by no means saying she's in the right and maybe the cultural differences have played a part in this not being spoken about by her but I do think you have to consider how you feel about this girl before you speak to her.

I'd be wanting to know why she hasn't looked for the job that she's qualified in for a start.

Idle Passerby

Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »

She is a live out au pair. She previously worked as an live in au pair and it was horrible for both of us. She couldnt sleep over in mine any weekday and had to be home early during the week too. Also, any time the parents wanted to go out at the weekend she was left minding the kids at weekend nights too. She felt that she wanted to seperate her work and living space. Both of us decided it was best she get a live out au pair.

She shares a room with 2 of her friends now.

So you encouraged her to move out and rent knowing she would have even less disposable income? Are you sure its the money issue that's actually the problem here? It sounds like you've had a strong hand in creating the situation your so unhappy with now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm a foreign female (under a student visa) in a serious relationship with an Irish guy (we've been dating for over a year now, we met each other about 2 years ago). I'm working as a childminder at the moment but I was a live in Au Pair for 4 months.

As another member said before, if she's an Au Pair live out working full time she definitely should be earning more, at least €350 - €400 per week. Live in Au Pairs in Ireland usually don't get paid more than €150 per week, but that is considering that they don't pay a penny for rent (private double room) + food + bills. What I'm trying to say here is that your girlfriend has been exploited big time and it's no surprise why she doesn't like her job.

As regards finding another job in her field, I must tell you OP that this is very difficult for non-EEA nationals. Firstly, she has to take into consideration that a "career job" is a full time work, so it won't be possible to get that kind of job under a student visa. Therefore, she would need a company to sponsor her and have some kind of limited skill set that the company would have to prove that they had too hard of a time finding an Irish / a European employee to do. As I said before, this is very difficult but not impossible if she has the right experience, skills and qualifications. A friend of mine got a work permit recently and now is working in her field for a great company, but before that she had a crappy student job and it took her a few months to get the job she has now.

In my opinion, she's not necessarily taking advantage of you, but you have to be completely honest with her about the situation, as she might think that you're OK paying for everything when you're obviously not. Regardless of your income/gender, it's not fair in this day and age to be paying everything for her if you don't feel like doing it. This hasn't been an issue between my partner and I so far, as we both are happy paying 50/50 (and this would probably be the same even if the financial circumstances were different). We don't get paid great but we still manage to do things together under a very low budget.

As a foreigner myself, I reckon it is impossible not to feel homesick and sad sometimes (even when I don't want to go back to my country), but it is also unreasonable to stay in a country just for a relationship, regardless of how good this relationship might be. It is extremely important to have a "life", friends, interests and hobbies outside of it, otherwise it'll be extremely difficult for her to be happy here in the long term. It is also a lot of pressure to hear that you're the only reason why she's here, when she obviously needs to find her own way around Ireland. You should also consider if having a relationship with someone who can't afford your life style if something that you're willing to accept or if you're able to make some changes in order to make it work.

Minderbinder

i don't get it. you say you love each other but you feel uneasy about spending money on her. there's a contradiction there . decide if you actually love each other and if so make a plan about how you can both contribute equally to the relationship. if you love her op then be willing to give before you receive. it's only been a few months. in time maybe she'll get a great paying job and treat you to all sorts and you'll look like a right tight arse.

seventeen sheep

If I was renting a house by myself, and I had a friend living in such miserable conditions, spending a decent portion of a crap wage to sleep on a blow-up mattress in a room with two others, I'd be insisting that they move in with me. Let alone if it was my partner! I couldn't leave them to live like that, if I had space for them in my house.

When you decided it was horrible for both of you for her to be a live-in au pair, surely the logical solution was for her to move in with you - at least temporarily? I realise you wouldn't have been in the relationship very long, but considering the circumstances, and considering the fact that your relationship was a large factor in her leaving the live-in arrangement ... moving in with you at the time would have made sense. I mean, it makes no sense for her to be paying rent for her crappy place when she's staying at yours five nights a week anyways.

I realise your relationship isn't perfect (whose is!) but at least if you made a proper go of it and tried living together, it would soon become clear if the relationship is going to work out or not. If you break up, at least she's free to return to her own country and pursue her career there.

I think that in an ideal world, where both partners have similar disposable income, the split in paying for things should be 50/50. However it rarely works out like that. It's clear that, while you mightn't be flush with cash, you have far more disposable income and a far nicer lifestyle than her. So I do think it's reasonable you'd pay more - if she can't afford the cinema, wouldn't it be better for you to just pay for you both if you can afford it, rather than both of you sitting at home doing nothing? On the other hand, she shouldn't take it for granted, and she should certainly thank you when you pay for things.

Teyla Emmagan

You encouraged her to move out from her poorly paying live in job OP, so she could spend more time with you, and she has even less money as a result, which you are now complaining about. She's earning buttons, and planning for the future (with you!) and you're moaning about her not taking you to dinner. I think you need to decide if you're in this for the long haul or not. It sounds a bit to me like you haven't thought this through yet properly. When you're dating someone from a foreign country, with work and visa issues etc the relationship moves differently than it would with a local girl. If you like her, and she's good to you bar the bringing you to dinner thing, then you need to start changing your expectations.

StormWarrior

About 9 years ago I worked as an au pair in Sweden. My host family also didn't pay me as much as they should have and I was miserable in that job. However, I loved Sweden itself and tried for ages to progress to a proper job there, with no luck. I ended up going home. I think that it's a real long shot hoping that your girlfriend will be able to progress from an au pair to a proper career in Ireland. I also know just how miserable it is for her being in a foreign country in horrible living conditions where things aren't going well. As this situation drags on, the likelihood is that she just won't be able to cope living like this any more and will go home. I met a lot of au pairs when I was working as one, and only two completed their full time. The others all went home early as it's not a pleasant job or living situation to be in. If she does stay just for you, are you prepared to marry and financially support her if she's unable to get a proper job? It doesn't sound like it. It's very difficult living in a foreign country without a proper job, living on the breadline without your friends and family to help and support you. If you aren't willing to take the chance on having to support her in the future then maybe you should reconsider the relationship, because it must be awful and miserable for her putting up with a job and situation she hates just so she can hang onto a boyfriend. Also if you two start doing cheap things together so that she can pay half, will you resent her because you're now missing out on the cinema and eating out, etc? Will you get bored just staying in eating cheap food all the time? It sounds to me like the two of you are holding each other back.

CaraMay

I think she was a bit daft to buy you an expensive present when she can't pay for the cinema? How did she save for the gift? Is she one of these people who have 'no money' despite having €5k in a savings account?

Littlekittylou

Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10 months. She is a from a foreign country and requires a visa for Ireland. She was pretty successful back in her own country. She went to university and had a great career job. Her family don’t have much money and she said that she helped them out a lot by paying for bills and expenses when she was living there.

At the start of the relationship I was crazy about her. She was one of the best looking girls that I have even seen never mind being with. I thought she was perfect for me but recently I have started doubting myself.

In Ireland she doesn’t have a great job. It is extremely low paying – only €200 p/w working full time. She hates going in everyday and only does it for the money. She says next year that she will look for a job in her career and I firmly believe her. The money that she earns also has to pay for rent and bills. She shares a double room with 2 other people and she sleeps on a blow up mattress on the floor. Its very small but I believe the rent is also quite reasonable.

She had some savings from her career job that she used to pay for flights home for Christmas to see her family. She is also using the last of her savings to fly back to Ireland, pay for another visa and school. After that she will have no money and no savings left. She prefers her own country, misses her family and says that she is only in Ireland because of me.

Now I have a good career job but it not the greatest pay. I have a great house that I rent and can afford to get by on my own.

The main problem is that she doesn’t offer to pay for anything. Ever since the start of the relationship I paid for everything. She would only drink about 2 drinks on a night out so that was fine. But anytime we go out for a meal she never even offers to contribute anything. If we go to the cinema I end up paying for the tickets. I also pay for any sporting events or concerts. She spends about 5 days a week in my house but never contributes to any of the bills or rent – which I would never expect her to as she is a guest. I pay for the groceries for the house in which she tends to eat a lot of dinner. We went away on 2 weekends away – one in Ireland and the other in Europe. The only thing she paid for were the flights to Europe. I paid for literally everything else. She used to say thank for when I paid for things, now she doesn’t and it feels like my obligation to pay for everything. She often makes requests to go away to Europe for a weekend or go on a skiing holiday. I tend to refuse saying I don’t have the money. She doesn’t ask to be taken out for dinner often but never refuses when I ask.

Now when she comes back to Ireland, she wants to move in with me but will only be working part time due to her visa but eventually wants to find a job in her career. When she gets back she will probably contribute less than what she is now. She did spend quite a reasonable amount of money on me for a Christmas present so it’s not all bad. I just find it difficult to support us both financially at the same time having some sort of social life.

She doesn’t talk that much to a lot of my friends – only a few words. I brought her out for a Christmas party but we ended up sitting in the corner together and she didn’t really want to mix.

So am I being taken for a mug here? Is she taking advantage of me? Is it reasonable of me to want her to pay for more even thou its still hard on her financially?

I know she couldn’t afford to pay 50/50 for all the dinners and pay for her flights but a little contribution would have went a long way. Even for the principal of it. If she contributed more, I would have helped her out on flights etc. But now I won’t. She also managed to save €400 when she was working this last while.

She is poor and doesn't have the money to pay. It's that simple. She is barely scrapping by you can tell this by the fact that she doesn't even have a bed.

I think if anyone I liked didn't have a bed I would 'get it'.

Look I don't know if she is a goldigger but you are going to have to 'get' that if she is poor she can't afford stuff. If she is hungry it's a pretty natural human response to want to eat. If she can't afford it herself tha's as poor as you can get.

She is working a really really low paid job. I am pretty shocked at how oblivious you are to her position.

I don't have much money it's tough if you are broke. Obviously i am not in your gf's position. But i can't afford to finance half of a lifestyle someone else thinks is 'normal ' and i would never want to. If my bf was in any way indifferent to my issues i would end it.You sound a little cold. Think about it she is sleeping on a blow up bed. Jesus if my brothers mates friends brothers girlfriend had no bed i would be trying to help her myself!

Like the 1000s of other foreign students who come here to Ireland she works as an au pair minding children. She gets paid cash in hand from the family. Yes it is below minimum wage and all her friends get paid the same.

This is not right you need to help her! Get her some legal advice!

I'm sorry but i can't believe you as a person who cares about her haven't tried to get her out of this situation.

Here is what you do. Organize a proper work visa it will be easier that she is here already. Write to your local td etc it makes a diff.

Help her find a better job.

As soon as she gets one report that family immediately!

Otherwise ask her truly if she would prefer to move home it doesn't seem like there is much of a life for her here.

If i cared for someone i think i would rather know they had a good life somewhere far away than a hard one here.

In asking her to move i think you made things a lot worse for her because it was better for you as a couple.

If she is taking advantage then say it to her. Relationships where there is a huge disparity in money don't work for this very scenario. One person feels used and the other can't keep up and feels their partner does not get what they are dealing with.

It sounds like you had a hand in making the situation much worse for her because it was best for your relationship which is very selfish.

If you feel you doubt her character then end the relationship but try and help her see she is being exploited. This could be damaging to someone to have to live this way if she falls through the net. And that family will keep doing this to others.

Start thinking humanistically towards this person.

I am actually shocked at your attitude to be honest.

retro:electro

The girl doesn't even have a bed op, I think you should ease up on wanting her to wine and dine you.

Littlekittylou

Girlfriend_Not_Paying wrote: »

<Mod Snip: Please don't quote a whole post. Scrolling down through the same bodies of text becomes tedious>

I re-read your post.

I was thinking of this and the more I think about it the more I think that this is a negative relationship for your GF and that you should seriously consider telling this girl she is better off going home.

She is sharing a bedroom with 2 others. And on a blow up bed. I am not a legal expert but it sounds like a landlord would have to be looking the other way etc. So not only is she being exploited by her employers but also a landlord.


She is only staying for you. She doesn't want to be here. She is in a terrible situation here.

You seem very self orientated. It's all about you.

She is the one being take for a mug by her landlord and her employers.

She is not an EU citizen and unless she gets citizenship it is going to be hard for her to get a decent job unless she gets it.

I think you need to look at her situation realistically. I don't know how you could look and someone you love /like and let them be treated so lowly without taking action.

I really think you need to consider asking her if she would be happier going home. In the end she is only here for you. But also it might be she is feeling stuck. Or she is making the relationship way too important because she is in a ****ty situation.

This relationship doesn't seem good for either of you. It's toxic to you both.

The Migrant Rights Centre Ireland (MRCI) maybe can help her.

The Au Pair is not a worker. It was intended to be a cultural exchange programme. Au pairs are not protected by employment legislation. However, the research shows they are being used as a cheap form of labour to provide childcare.

There are reports of women doing 60 + hrs on 110 euro a week with room and board. It is not regulated and people exploit it.

You say she promises to get a job in her area. There is no guarantee of that at all. Especially if her qualifications are not Irish.

You seem very naive to her situation.

I don't think she is using you. I do however think this relationship is very bad for both of you and it is perhaps a distraction for her of how bad things are.

I think for her sake and for yours you should chat about her moving back for a better life.

If you love someone sometimes you have to let them go.

I don't think if you love someone you could stand to see them treated so.

ratmouse

I know of some people who actively choose to live like this in order just to save a few quid, ie, sharing rooms in order to pay very little rent and put the need for a bit of comfort aside. Also, people can lie about how much money they have and how much money they make/save. Just saying.

Littlekittylou

ratmouse wrote: »

I know of some people who actively choose to live like this in order just to save a few quid, ie, sharing rooms in order to pay very little rent and put the need for a bit of comfort aside. Also, people can lie about how much money they have and how much money they make/save. Just saying.

Who would choose that?
It doesn't sound like this is the situation here at all. It sounds to me like he is insensitive.
Then for the good of them both they should end it and she should go back to her own country and make a better life for herself she is not happy here anyway. And he had date someone who already has a better standard of living. It's not a good relationship for her or for him. In fact it has impacted very negatively on her life. And to a lesser extent his.They will both be happier.

He is asking her to contribute money that simply is not there. It's not going to magically appear.

He can't afford to finance a life for them both and she can't afford to finance a life for one here.

I think it's going to end up they separate anyway. She shouldn't have to live like this.

They can wish each other well. He can find someone able to contribute financially and she can have a much happier life.

CaraMay

It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has resulted in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

DoYouEvenLift

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Who would choose that?
<Mod Snip: Please only quote relevant text to highlight your point. Don't clog up the thread with duplicate posts>

People wanting to save as much as possible for a down payment on a mortgage or similar for one.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has reduced in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

I hardly call her current living situation 100% her choice. The OP clearly states the choice for her to move from living with a family and get free room and board to sharing one room with two people and sleeping on an air mattress was decided by both of them not just her. The OP wasn't happy with how much time he got to spend with her as they could stay at her place clearly as she was living with a family and couldn't stay overnight as often as the OP wanted due to work commitments and while he says they there's a clear red flag there that he pushed a little more then she did for the living situation change. The OP has stated she's not happy in Ireland and only stays for him. Sounds like she is infatuated and willing to do what ever for the OP. Maybe the cynical part of me wonders if she's just with him so she can stay in the country but if that were the case she'd have pushed to move in with him straight away and get herself well attached to him and wouldn't be wasting what little cash she has on presents.

So she paid for her flights and expensive present....she wanted to pay what she could for the holiday and she's got the wrong priorities when it comes to spending money on gifts, I know plenty people like her. Knowing what Au Pairs earn I highly doubt she's squirreling away thousands while making the OP pay for stuff.

Littlekittylou

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

People wanting to save as much as possible for a down payment on a mortgage or similar for one.

She is being exploited simple as and her boyfriend doesn't seem to realize. She is not going to end up with a downpayment to a mortgage. In fact it would be easy for her to end up homeless or fall off the grid.

Talking about her 'eating a lot of dinner' seems cold or petty.

Littlekittylou

CaraMay wrote: »

It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has reduced in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

She is the last person you could say has a the world owes me a living mentality in fact it does owe her one because she is working and not getting one.

The family she works for does though. No she didn't choose she got stuck with it.
How can people be so cold?

DoYouEvenLift

Littlekittylou wrote: »

She is being exploited simple as and her boyfriend doesn't seem to realize. She is not going to end up with a downpayment to a mortgage. In fact it would be easy for her to end up homeless or fall off the grid.

Talking about her 'eating a lot of dinner' seems cold or petty.

Lol I wasn't talking about her, was directed as a general answer to that part of your post

Littlekittylou

cant log in wrote: »

Knowing Au Pairs earn I highly doubt she's squirreling away thousands while making the OP pay for stuff.

This. It's known they can earn even less to be honest. Families who can't afford childcare use what is meant to be a cultural exchange for a young person.

Littlekittylou

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Lol I wasn't talking about her, was directed as a general answer to that part of your post

whatever.

Tokyo

Littlekittylou - everybody here is entitled to a (constructive) opinion about the OP's issue - if you disagree with them, fine, but this isn't the forum to debate them in. No more of these seriously off topic posts please.

Littlekittylou

mike_ie wrote: »

Littlekittylou - everybody here is entitled to a (constructive) opinion about the OP's issue - if you disagree with them, fine, but this isn't the forum to debate them in. No more of these seriously off topic posts please.

apologies.

Katgurl

I like the other posters OP am a little aghast at how 'ok' you are with your gurlfrjend's current situation. I don't know how you can tolerate someone you care about living on a blow up mattress.

She's broke, that's clear and also partially down to you.

Like another poster I'm also unclear as to whether you love her as all you have mentioned are her looks and her unwillingness to mix at a party. Irish people can be a lot more sociable and more at ease in big groups of friends whereas others can stick with their partners a lot more (not saying all, just some foreign friends I have noticed this with). Perhaps she feel uneasy?

I think you need to decide if you want to be with her or not then either a) end it and suggest she go home to a better life or b) ask her to move in and help her with her working situation.

I don't think her paying for dinner is even an issue here.

StormWarrior

CaraMay wrote: »

It's her choice to live where she wants and in the manner she chooses. She is the one at fault her. The op owes her nothing and I'm sure she can easily change au pair jobs if the conditions are that bad. A lot of posters have a 'the world owes me a living' mentality which has resulted in the op getting abused for not funding his gf's life. She us a healthy grown adult and should not be standing with her hand out every time especially as she can afford an expensive present for him and flights home at Xmas. She can't be they stuck and for what it's worth I know of plenty of people who would live in conditions like that to save money.

OP, I hope you disregard the advice above, as it's very unfair on your girlfriend, unconstructive and won't help your relationship with her at all. I seriously doubt it's the girlfriend's fault she ended up in this situation. When families advertise for au pairs, they do tend to make the situation sound much better than it will be, and when they have the au pair in their clutches they often then dramatically increase the workload, and reduce the pay and benefits. This is an extremely common situation and one of the reasons why so few au pairs manage to stick the whole time out. Bear in mind that most au pairs are quite young and inexperienced, they'll be expecting the host family to stick to the terms promised. Then they find themselves in a strange country with no friends or family for back-up, and it's virtually impossible to even find another host family to switch to, never mind actually get a proper job.

She also isn't "standing with her hand out." She's contributed what she can to the holidays and it sounds like it's your idea, OP to be eating out and things like that.

Even if she manages to stick out her full time as an au pair, what happens then? Unless you're going to marry her, she'll end up going home anyway, you two will break up anyway. She'll have spend a year of her life being poor and miserable for nothing. OP, I really think you should tell her to go back home.

power pants

this is getting over exaggerated. The woman is an adult. She can accept a job or not accept a job. she can choose to live in the au pairs house or choose to share a bedroom on a blow up mattress. she can choose to see her boyfriend or not see him. She can choose to go home or stay here.

CaraMay

The op chose to move out of the family home so technically she is not an au pair any more, she is a child minder. I'll bet the family are paying her now what they paid her then except her room and board was free. She is now their employee and should be registered for taxation purposes. She is not an au pair anymore. That's her choice.