9 years and not engaged

Actually OP I'll defend you on the 'wanting to do it because of other people' thing. It's most likely that people put the idea in your head and that made you realise that it's what you want. Otherwise people's comments wouldn't really bother you. Or not so much anyway. If people commented to me "Why don't you go backpacking in Thailand for a year" it wouldn't make me think "Yeah actually, why don't I?" because that's not something I'm interested in. But you are interested in getting married which is why the comments are annoying you so much.

As for what you should do now. Talk to your partner. Tell him "Okay, saying I wanted a ring for Christmas probably made you feel a bit pressured. I don't want to pressure you. But I do want to talk about us getting married someday. Why don't we put a pin in it for now and agree to discuss it next March/April?" That gives him time to think about what he wants and also you know you two are going to talk about what you both want, it's not going to drag on and on and on. Btw, I deliberately picked a date that would be after Valentine's Day, don't be upset if he doesn't propose on Valentine's Day. Give him a bit longer than 6 weeks.

There is a wedding website that has a section called "waiting" for women who are not yet engaged but are hoping to be. Maybe you could check that out as you could talk to like-minded women.

It seems to me that you want to get engaged because you think you should be engaged and like the idea of being engaged and telling your friends and family and posting it on Facebook and whatever else. Yeah you've been together a long time but you essentially got together as children and have known nothing else. Engagement rings cost money as do weddings, can ye afford that? You were wrong to demand a ring and selfish then to ignore him and wrong to feel betrayed just because you didn't get what you want. I met my wife at 30 - we didn't get married for 6 years after that. You guys are still young. Plenty of time for all that when you are older so get over it and give him space and time because if I was in his shoes and read this, I'd seriously consider whether or not to walk away.

Hi OP,

I thought I would answer your question about someone saying no to a proposal but the relationship continuing.

I am one of those people. I was and still am in a great relationship with my OH but about four years in to our relationship he blindsided me with an unexpected proposal. It had this beautiful ring, perfect setting and of course the huge surprise and for many women it would have been their dream. Not so for me.

Marriage was not, is not and never will be any form of commitment in my mind (others will disagree). For instance my OH sees it very differently. He likes the security it gives kids& a family, the legal rights of next of kin and the very idea of making a public commitment that this is your life partner.

No matter how hurt my OH was at the time of the proposal it killed me more to hurt him in the way I did. It was a very tough few weeks in my life as I struggled to figure out what I wanted and if I could or should throw out my very beliefs or stand by them. But through it all my OH was beside me with ready hugs, understanding, talking me through my feelings, reasoning with me and giving unwavering support. He told me that he loved me more than anything and that if it was marriage or me that he would take me every single time. He proved in those very emotional weeks how great a partner he is.

We worked through it and I realised that someone who puts you first, even in that situation, is someone very special. As strange as it may be I think his belief in me and us at that time made us a stronger unit in the end. It was never that I didn't love him, see him as my life long partner or not feel committed to him. I simply wasn't ready or able at that point of my life to marry him.

It may be many years later and I do still struggle with the concept but we are about to be married. I still don't believe in it and I really hope it won't change our relationship but I am happy to put my reservations aside to make my OH happy. He and us is what counts and it is a compromise I am now willing and ready to make- all the more ready as I was given the time to make that decision for myself.

A husband or wife has to deal with your flaws, your beliefs and perspectives even if they are not their own. It takes a lot of respect and compromise to make a successful relationship...marriage or no marriage. Before you decide to walk away I really hope you sit down and ask him and yourself the very tough questions- it may be the start of a life long conversation because if you are in it for the long haul there will be many more such tough questions ahead.

I wish you all the best, only you can make the decision about what's right for you and only he can make that decision for himself. I also hope there is a compromise in there that works for both of you.

Im in a slightly similar situation. Im with my partner 14 years and no engagement. To be fair, we met when we were young, i had no interest in marriage until the past year or so. We get on well, living together in his house for the past 8 years, go on big holidays every year, good social lives etc. We went away for a year travelling around the world recently, and he wasnt too keen on this, but did it for me as he knew i wanted to do it or would always regret it. and only recently i have been bringing up the topic of marriage and he did say he was reading about it online a year ago before we went travelling. But he does admit he has no interest in marriage and it doesnt change anything, and hates the thought of a big wedding, and the only reason he would want to do it would be for me, he would be happy not to get married. He does want kids though. But whenever i bring it up, we end up having huge arguments about it, as im getting very impatient now and kinda want to know when its going to happen, but as we are just back and are both broke at the moment he says he cant afford a ring now, but hes just not pushed about the whole thing anyway and would only do it to keep me happy. Is it right to marry someone who is only doing it to keep you happy? And wait for god knows how long until he can afford a ring? I envy people who are just surprised by when it happens them, i feel like i almost have to ask for it, is that right? And now every time i bring it up we end up having a fight.
Thanks for any insight or anyone who has been in similar situations.