Your most embarrassing sex story

Ash.J.Williams · 09-10-2013 11:25am

Jarrod wrote: »

That happened a friend of mine too.

Unrelated, but my friend had a pet snake and for months, he kept waking up with the snake lying next to him. After a while he got a bit freaked out waking up with the snake stretched out next to him so he went to the vet. The vet said that the snake was sizing my friend up to eat him and that he was just checking if he was big enough yet.

urban legend?

BonsaiKitten · 09-10-2013 11:26am

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

urban legend?

Fo'sho'mo'fo'.

LoonyLovegood · 09-10-2013 12:04pm

Shared a bedroom with a girl for my first year of college. I'd a 9am start so stayed in, she went out one night. She arrived back with a guy. We had a rule, if someone brought someone else back then you'd wake them. She decided not to, and I awoke to them riding. What made it worse was we have the same name. Woke up to "Oooh, CTYIgirl, oooh"

Grr.

Gongoozler · 09-10-2013 12:25pm

exador wrote: »

My first time was embarrassing...

After we had finished I looked around and her Mother was standing there looking at us...There was akward silence and nobody spoke for what seemed like five minutes..... And then eventually the silence was broken by he mother..

She just went Baaaaaaaaaa

Your first time was with a sheep?

blacklilly · 09-10-2013 12:35pm

It's more of an embarrassing istuation which involved sex.

So a few years ago while studying for my finals in college, myself and myself Sean* decided to do an all night cramming session (no innuendo please). All was going well until I started feeling really tired and needed to sleep. His GF then came over and we ended up chatting for a bit. Sean had one bed in his place so we were all sharing the bed, his GF was in the middle.

I fall asleep pretty quickly but then I'm awoken by movement, they were at it right beside me. I didn't know what to do (I didn't know his GF very well).At this stage I was facing the wall and next thing they get out of the bed, he bends her over the couch and keeps going. The thing is (and I can't get this image out of my head) there was street lighting coming in through the window which created a shadow on the wall, so I closed my eyes and hoped they'd finish quickly.

Next morning was even awkward, they barely spoke to eachother. The sex must have been really bad!

*not his real name

lau1247 · 09-10-2013 3:09pm

Chairman Meow wrote: »

And no it wasnt a ladyboy, sadly.

The word 'sadly' sounded like you actually prefer a ladyboy :pac:

09-10-2013 3:27pm

Doom wrote: »

Banjo string...I'm saying no more than that!

The old skin harp?

ColeTrain · 09-10-2013 4:10pm

CTYIgirl wrote: »

Shared a bedroom with a girl for my first year of college. I'd a 9am start so stayed in, she went out one night. She arrived back with a guy. We had a rule, if someone brought someone else back then you'd wake them. She decided not to, and I awoke to them riding. What made it worse was we have the same name. Woke up to "Oooh, CTYIgirl, oooh"

Grr.

What an inconsiderate bitch, she denied your man a threesome with the CTYIgirls

downwesht · 09-10-2013 4:26pm

Scored in my local one night and stopped for some loving in the car on the way home.Was been given a vigorous BJ when my ladyfriend proceded to puke on nethers.....appletart and icecream.......the smell in the car was impossible to get rid of and the walk to my flat more than uncomfortable.:(

Duff · 09-10-2013 4:40pm

First year in college I'm out one night putting the Christmas dinner into my moves on the dancefloor and managed to land myself this Bebo Stunnah. Anyway after a few more shots and heavy petting she asks me back to hers. Nice one. We get back anyway and after a Pot Noodle we head up to her room and I'm seeing my name in lights. Flick the lights off and under the covers we go and after a bit of foreplay I realise I've no condom in my wallet so I says to her had she got any on the off chance she did. She said she did and that there was one in the drawer on the bedside locker beside me.. So I stick my hand in, feel it and take it out of the drawer. Naturally you're trying to open it as fast as possible so I rip the packet open as fast as I could and suddenly I feel something powdery hit my twig and giggleberries. Somethings not right here, I thought. I'm lying there in silence trying to figure out what exactly was going on and she's looking at me with a ''come on t'fúck'' look on her face. I ask her to flick on the lamp beside her head so I can check the situation out. She does and what am I greeted with?... my lad covered in fúcking LEMSIP!

Don't ask me how I mistook a sachet of Lemsip for a condom, but there ya go! I can still hear her laughing to this day.

missierex · 09-10-2013 5:14pm

Duff wrote: »

First year in college I'm out one night putting the Christmas dinner into my moves on the dancefloor and managed to land myself this Bebo Stunnah. Anyway after a few more shots and heavy petting she asks me back to hers. Nice one. We get back anyway and after a Pot Noodle we head up to her room and I'm seeing my name in lights. Flick the lights off and under the covers we go and after a bit of foreplay I realise I've no condom in my wallet so I says to her had she got any on the off chance she did. She said she did and that there was one in the drawer on the bedside locker beside me.. So I stick my hand in, feel it and take it out of the drawer. Naturally you're trying to open it as fast as possible so I rip the packet open as fast as I could and suddenly I feel something powdery hit my twig and giggleberries. Somethings not right here, I thought. I'm lying there in silence trying to figure out what exactly was going on and she's looking at me with a ''come on t'fúck'' look on her face. I ask her to flick on the lamp beside her head so I can check the situation out. She does and what am I greeted with?... my lad covered in fúcking LEMSIP!

Don't ask me how I mistook a sachet of Lemsip for a condom, but there ya go! I can still hear her laughing to this day.

That is my favourite story so far! If she had a sore-throat that particular evening you were well-prepared

Hazys · 09-10-2013 6:07pm

CTYIgirl wrote: »

Shared a bedroom with a girl for my first year of college. I'd a 9am start so stayed in, she went out one night. She arrived back with a guy. We had a rule, if someone brought someone else back then you'd wake them. She decided not to, and I awoke to them riding. What made it worse was we have the same name. Woke up to "Oooh, CTYIgirl, oooh"

Grr.

I read that as some lad from the country pulled a girl from the city and he was delighted with himself, first day in the big schmoke and he's already playing out some sort of scene in Sex and the City...with till the lads back home hear of this

"Oooh, city girl, oooh"

Gummy Panda · 09-10-2013 6:19pm

Itwasntme. wrote: »

I got with a guy I really liked. I had a panic attack mid-action. I dressed up really quickly while trying concentrate on breathing and legged it. I've been trying to get him to talk to me since but it's never going to happen .

I heard cock induced panic attack is the worse

Daveysil15 · 09-10-2013 6:20pm

Duff wrote: »

First year in college I'm out one night putting the Christmas dinner into my moves on the dancefloor and managed to land myself this Bebo Stunnah. Anyway after a few more shots and heavy petting she asks me back to hers. Nice one. We get back anyway and after a Pot Noodle we head up to her room and I'm seeing my name in lights. Flick the lights off and under the covers we go and after a bit of foreplay I realise I've no condom in my wallet so I says to her had she got any on the off chance she did. She said she did and that there was one in the drawer on the bedside locker beside me.. So I stick my hand in, feel it and take it out of the drawer. Naturally you're trying to open it as fast as possible so I rip the packet open as fast as I could and suddenly I feel something powdery hit my twig and giggleberries. Somethings not right here, I thought. I'm lying there in silence trying to figure out what exactly was going on and she's looking at me with a ''come on t'fúck'' look on her face. I ask her to flick on the lamp beside her head so I can check the situation out. She does and what am I greeted with?... my lad covered in fúcking LEMSIP!

Don't ask me how I mistook a sachet of Lemsip for a condom, but there ya go! I can still hear her laughing to this day.

Ahh well it could have been worse. You could have mistook vaporub as lube and burnt the hole off her.

EPointer=Birdss · 09-10-2013 6:32pm

Timmyctc wrote: »

Did he have sex with the snake then or what?

No he tied knots in it & ... oh wait!

jazz101 · 09-10-2013 7:03pm

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I posted this before in another thread, so apologies if you've already read it, but it seemed to fit in with this thread. Not that it was exactly embarrassing, as Im pretty sure she didn't know, but still, it's hardly something to be proud of.

There was this girl worked in a bar in uni that i really fancied. She either was, or really looked like, one of the Suicide Girls.
Anyway, one particularly drunken night she eventually succumbed to my witty banter and insightful, uh, insights.
So we're maulin' the faces off each other in the taxi on the way back to her place and practically kept it up while payin the taxi, walking to the door, goin up the stairs etc...
We get to her bedroom and strip off and me lad near smacked me in the face. She had an unreal body. So I head south and go to town on her and after a fairly enthusiastic exchange of genital and oral fluids she cums.
I move up to kiss her and all of a sudden she's "very sleepy," gives me a quick peck on the cheek, says we'll go again in the morning and rolls over to go to sleep.
So I'm left there with this thumping truncheon and I can practically see the ****er pulsating. Basically theres not a chance of me gettin to sleep with this, so i give it a few minutes to make sure yer wan is asleep and then start seeing to the problem myself. It's not what I'd expected but it would tide me over until the morning.
Im about to shoot and I realise I havent thought this through. there's no where for this to go, so I just catch it in my other hand. Now i'm in this strange room, with a handful of jizz, using the glow from my mobile to find somewhere to throw it.
There's no bin or anything or even a packet of wipes and even the feckin floor was wooden.
Im sat there and this thing is becoming more watery and at a real risk of dribblin out of my hands.
THIS is the feckin moment she chooses to wake up and decide she wants to cuddle.
She murmured something about putting my arms round her and I had a split second to act as she rolled over...so I just hoofed it down my throat.
I wouldnt dip my chips in it now but overall i found the taste fairly inoffensive.
Just in case you're curious she had to "rush off to class" when we woke up the next morning and I never got any.
Never got out with her again after either. Should have rubbed it in her feckin sheets.

Why didn't you just dump it in one of your socks?

castletownman · 09-10-2013 7:05pm

Duff wrote: »

First year in college I'm out one night putting the Christmas dinner into my moves on the dancefloor and managed to land myself this Bebo Stunnah. Anyway after a few more shots and heavy petting she asks me back to hers. Nice one. We get back anyway and after a Pot Noodle we head up to her room and I'm seeing my name in lights. Flick the lights off and under the covers we go and after a bit of foreplay I realise I've no condom in my wallet so I says to her had she got any on the off chance she did. She said she did and that there was one in the drawer on the bedside locker beside me.. So I stick my hand in, feel it and take it out of the drawer. Naturally you're trying to open it as fast as possible so I rip the packet open as fast as I could and suddenly I feel something powdery hit my twig and giggleberries. Somethings not right here, I thought. I'm lying there in silence trying to figure out what exactly was going on and she's looking at me with a ''come on t'fúck'' look on her face. I ask her to flick on the lamp beside her head so I can check the situation out. She does and what am I greeted with?... my lad covered in fúcking LEMSIP!

Don't ask me how I mistook a sachet of Lemsip for a condom, but there ya go! I can still hear her laughing to this day.

Post of the year

McChubbin · 09-10-2013 7:14pm

Lost a condom inside me once.... :O

Timmyctc · 09-10-2013 7:14pm

McChubbin wrote: »

Lost a condom inside me once.... :O

Elaborate please :P

Boscoirl · 09-10-2013 7:23pm

They ate it

Ihatecuddles-old · 09-10-2013 7:26pm

McChubbin wrote: »

Lost a condom inside me once.... :O

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

spitfireIRL · 09-10-2013 7:29pm

My friend was losing his virginity and a wasp flew into the room and stung his arse

Ihatecuddles-old · 09-10-2013 7:31pm

spitfireIRL wrote: »

My friend was losing his virginity and a wasp flew into the room and stung his arse

Yeah, is that what 'she' said to him? :pac:

spitfireIRL · 09-10-2013 7:31pm

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Yeah, is that what 'she' said to him? :pac:

Yes :P He just roared and kept going :P

mattjack · 09-10-2013 7:32pm

spitfireIRL wrote: »

My friend was losing his virginity and a wasp flew into the room and stung his arse

more than one prick in the room so.

Crooked Jack · 09-10-2013 7:41pm

jazz101 wrote: »

Why didn't you just dump it in one of your socks?

To be honest, i didnt even think of that, but even if i had i wouldnt have done it. i had to wear them socks the next day

Bassfish · 09-10-2013 7:58pm

Second year in college, I pulled a girl from my course on a class night out. So we're back at hers going at it like good'ns. She's on top seemingly enjoying herself immensely. The room was pitch dark so we couldn't really see each other. I decide that it would be all rosemantic if I sat up with her on top and we're face to face like in de fillums!
At that same exact moment she seemingly thinks it would be good if she bent down to kiss me.
We did these things simultaneously without being able to see what the other was doing which resulted in me head butting her very hard straight in the nose as I got up. Que her letting out a loud scream and falling off the bed. I fumble and get out of the bed and switch on the light to see her standing there stark naked with blood pouring down her face and on to her boobs.
Her housemate then hears her scream and moaning an me apologising profusely and barges straight into the room and presumes that for some reason I decided to commit domestic violence in the middle of sex and screams that she's calling the guards. My girl is saying No he didn't mean it and she says Ya that's what all battered women say!
So after a minute we convince your one not to call the guards and she fecks off. Needless to say after that we did not continue the naughty activities after that.
She had a massive bruise on her face and had to make up a story to tell people in college about being happy slapped by a random scanger on the way home.
Oddly enough that wasn't the end I the saga........ Went out with her for four years afterwards. Should have known it wouldn't work out with that start! We did have many a laugh about our first romp in the bedroom afterwards though.

Sinfonia · 09-10-2013 8:00pm

Crooked Jack wrote: »

To be honest, i didnt even think of that, but even if i had i wouldnt have done it. i had to wear them socks the next day

Exactly: consume your own semen, fair enough, but get a bit on your foot?? That's ****ing disgusting.

exador · 09-10-2013 8:03pm

Gongoozler wrote: »

Your first time was with a sheep?

sense of humour is lost om you.

Don't knock it

Crooked Jack · 09-10-2013 8:37pm

Sinfonia wrote: »

Exactly: consume your own semen, fair enough, but get a bit on your foot?? That's ****ing disgusting.

Exactly. i dont want people thinkin im a weirdo. what if they started callin me sticky foot or crusty socks or treacle toes or humpy heel

Your most embarrassing sex story

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