Your most embarrassing sex story

Gongoozler · 09-10-2013 10:03pm

exador wrote: »

sense of humour is lost om you.

Don't knock it

No you just didn't tell it very well

tuckermax · 09-10-2013 10:04pm

hooked up with a girl at a house party and proceeded to find a free bedroom. finally found one, turned down the lights and started to get down to it only to realize no condom!!! after a while i heard one of my mates voices outside the door and asked him if he had any condoms, he didnt but being the friend he was he said he would get me one. after a couple of min he knocked on the door and threw in a square silver packet. got back to action again and as i tore the packet open with my teeth white cream squirted out causing her to start screaming! the b***ard had found a packet of dove cream from the bathroom. still waiting to get him back for that.

exador · 09-10-2013 10:06pm

Gongoozler wrote: »

No you just didn't tell it very well

You had to be there

Grandeeod · 09-10-2013 10:59pm

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

petes · 09-10-2013 11:09pm

Grandeeod wrote: »

Whats with all the no condom jokes?

The Lemsip one seems explosive and I can only say he thought he had a huge cock because a Lemsip sachet is a **** load bigger than a condom one!

What? And you did read the title of the thread, yes?

Itwasntme. · 09-10-2013 11:09pm

Gummy Panda wrote: »

I heard cock induced panic attack is the worse

It's a thing :P? Google won't tell me anything.

ardle1 · 10-10-2013 2:20am

Chairman Meow wrote: »

Reminds me of the time an en and i were getting hot and heavy and she says "Do you want to suck my dick??". Laughed my arse off but felt bad as she started crying :pac:

And no it wasnt a ladyboy, sadly.

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

Timmyctc · 10-10-2013 9:52am

ardle1 wrote: »

She was obviously thinking out loud, Something like... ' any minute now wait till you hear him ,'Do you want to suck my dick' ... :rolleyes:

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 9:59am

Timmyctc wrote: »

At Oxegen one year an ex and I were in the tent and were all but delirious from the travel, alcohol and lack of sleep wednesday - thursday but still half managed to get down to business. Mid way through the foreplay she came out with the most disturbing "sexy talk" line I've ever heard (clearly because she had basically fallen asleep and was talking nonesense....I hope) but it was along the lines of
"If you were a baby you could walk around without a nappy".

I was both hugely disturbing but I still pissed myself laughing and she sat straight up fully aware of what had just happened and said. "Timmyctc I'm going to sleep RIGHT NOW"

It was only a matter of time before someone brought up a sex story from oxygen.

marshbaboon · 10-10-2013 12:37pm

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

Itwasntme. · 10-10-2013 1:16pm

marshbaboon wrote: »

I pulled a girl from work at a social outing involving plenty of alcohol. Ended up back at mine & went for a lovely sleep after an hour or so of breaking her in. She got up in the middle of the night to puke, or put tampons inside her or whatever ladies do in their bathroom lady time. She was so drunk/spasticated that she managed to lock herself in... She was banging on the door for around two hours before she woke my housemate, who also worked with us at the time. He had to kick in the bathroom door to find her crying & trouser-less on the bathroom tiles.

She crawled back into bed & I awoke wondering why the **** there was no lock on the bathroom door.

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

mattjack · 10-10-2013 1:24pm

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

If you take Marsh away from his name.......................

Highflyer13 · 10-10-2013 2:28pm

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Highflyer13 · 10-10-2013 2:33pm

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

10-10-2013 2:43pm

Timmyctc wrote: »

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

None spring to mind. Or at least none I can pick between. Certainly the most embarrasing sexually RELATED experience however was sending my girlfriends mother up to obtain something from the "Top Drawer in the bedroom".

When she came back she calmly and dead pan delivered the line "Ah, you meant the top drawer in the second bedroom then" and handed it to me. Took a few seconds to sink in but it was her subtle and cruel way of saying "That is one hell of a draw full of sex toys you got there in the first bedroom".

Was one of those slow motion things where I saw the reaction on the GFs face a split second before the realisation hit me.

Nothing more was said on the matter :-)

sbsquarepants · 10-10-2013 3:57pm

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

What exactly is the function of super sticky lube? Are you sure it wasn't glue?:D

Khannie · 10-10-2013 4:15pm

Highflyer13 wrote: »

Was with a girl on Tuesday night and somehow managed to get the condom stuck inside her during some wild antics. I was freaking out while she laughed about it. She ended up going to the bathroom and fishing it out. Unsure how long I was going without the johnny and I could do without a surprise in a months time!

Don't worry...you'll only have to wait 2 weeks.

marshbaboon · 10-10-2013 5:21pm

Itwasntme. wrote: »

My face is all crunched up and wrinkled from the anxiety I experienced while reading that tale. You 'broke her in', she got up to 'put tampons inside her', she was 'spasticated', locked in a bathroom for TWO hours, you live with your colleague who's also her colleague, crying and trouser-less...I don't know what to say.

A thank you will suffice.

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 6:36pm

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Ha me too! I was using super sticky lube and ended up glueing the condom to my insides.

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Muise... · 10-10-2013 6:38pm

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You're better off using a bit of spit.

Spit on me, Dickie!

pharmaton · 10-10-2013 7:29pm

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

Crooked Jack · 10-10-2013 8:49pm

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Timmyctc · 10-10-2013 8:51pm

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

sea_monkey · 10-10-2013 8:52pm

the trick is to be so woefully bad that they are more ashamed of themselves than you are.

Antar Bolaeisk · 10-10-2013 9:01pm

Left the condom behind one time, panicking I immediately mounted a rescue mission but in my haste wasn't exactly at my most delicate leaving me in the bad books for the day.

pharmaton · 10-10-2013 9:03pm

Timmyctc wrote: »

http://anunslife.org/resources/how-to-become-a-catholic-nun

I thought about it, briefly. Did a work placement with a religious organisation for 3 months in my early twenties, they wanted me bad.

Daveysil15 · 10-10-2013 9:22pm

Actually I do recall one time when I was taking the jondom off afterwards only to accidentally empty its entire contents on her duvet. She was not impressed.

kowloon · 10-10-2013 9:43pm

There was the time I mistook my penis beaker for a drink.

Sorry, but that thread still hasn't sunk in fully.

creep · 10-10-2013 10:12pm

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me

:o

we'llallhavetea · 10-10-2013 10:21pm

creep wrote: »

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me :o

Take note lads!

The Big Smoke · 10-10-2013 10:50pm

creep wrote: »

First experience was horrible, she was just lying there and i was on top of her and didn't know what I was doing. It was quite embarrassing and she just left

I then practiced positions with an empty loo role sticking me mickey into it and the next time I brought a girl back I knew what to do.

Please dont judge me :o

LMAO

Hate when a girl just lies there like a sack of potatoes though, they can do some of the work.

seenitall · 10-10-2013 11:30pm

The Big Smoke wrote: »

LMAO

Hate when a girl just lies there like a sack of potatoes though, they can do some of the work.

AKA 'the Starfish'. :pac:

Itwasntme. · 10-10-2013 11:37pm

seenitall wrote: »

AKA 'the Starfish'. :pac:

:pac::pac: The imagery made me think of Da Vinci's Vitruvian man (or woman in this case).

charlietheminxx · 10-10-2013 11:55pm

Had a condom go up and get stuck before too. It was the first time I was with that guy and he turns to me with a serious face and says "I'll have to have a root". Jayzus.

I also got caught having sex outdoors once.

There was a time when I was still a teen and giving my boyfriend at the time head. His foreskin got stuck pulled back

RobFowl · 11-10-2013 12:35am

charlietheminxx wrote: »

His foreskin got stuck pulled back

When they get stuck like that often end up in AE needing to be put back. Before starting my first job in AE we actually got specific training on how to do it..

PS re Banjo string posts I feel your pain...

DazMarz · 11-10-2013 12:41am

This thread is fúcking priceless...

And btw, when a guy can't get his foreskin back over the head (it's stuck behind the head), that is paraphimosis and it is generally considered a medical emergency. Just to bring the humour down a bit...

herisson · 11-10-2013 12:58am

I pulled my friends best friend at her 21st last year. Now I had just moved some crap up from home coz I had a week off. Didn't think I'd pull at all so my room was a bit of a mess.

We got back to mine, all over each other then some how managed to fall over the suitcase in the middle of the floor. We continued that was fine, both condomss ripped, so we switched to the bum, no lube so we used moisturisor.

never use it ever.

It didn't stop there, we somehow managed to rip the curtain and curtain holder off the wall and I nearly bit his cock off. He left, next morning I found his boxers still on the ground, my housemate had heard everything and I had to go get the morning after pill.

oh and I eh let out a small fart during it :pac:

Possibly the most embarrassing sex story I have. There's others but this is the most embarrassing by far.

efb · 11-10-2013 1:00am

rimming. farting.

Itwasntme. · 11-10-2013 2:30am

efb wrote: »

rimming. farting.

^^ And there you have it, the enough internet for the day signal, beaming bright. Goodnight folks.

seenitall · 11-10-2013 2:33am

Itwasntme. wrote: »

^^ And there you have it, the enough internet for the day signal, beaming bright. Goodnight folks.

Goodnight, Itwasntme. Have sweet dreams... if you can!

Smidge · 11-10-2013 2:55am

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

I pulled my friends best friend at her 21st last year. Now I had just moved some crap up from home coz I had a week off. Didn't think I'd pull at all so my room was a bit of a mess.

We got back to mine, all over each other then some how managed to fall over the suitcase in the middle of the floor. We continued that was fine, both condomss ripped, so we switched to the bum, no lube so we used moisturisor. never use it ever.

It didn't stop there, we somehow managed to rip the curtain and curtain holder off the wall and I nearly bit his cock off. He left, next morning I found his boxers still on the ground, my housemate had heard everything and I had to go get the morning after pill. oh and I eh let out a small fart during it :pac:

Possibly the most embarrassing sex story I have. There's others but this is the most embarrassing by far.

I really hate to be a killjoy but please say you still used a condom?

ANXIOUS · 11-10-2013 8:24am

Smidge wrote: »

I really hate to be a killjoy but please say you still used a condom?

Killjoy

SV · 11-10-2013 8:26am

Keith wrote: »

A few years ago i was out in a club with a few friends, the night was nearly over, we were all really drunk, when one of them came up, said he pulled and didnt have any condoms so gave him one, a few minutes later i pulled too, ran into the bathroom to get some johnnys from the vending machine and went off with her.
Eventually get back to her place, just about to do it when i reach into my pocket and instead of a condom, pull out a packet of Poppets.

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I posted this before in another thread, so apologies if you've already read it, but it seemed to fit in with this thread. Not that it was exactly embarrassing, as Im pretty sure she didn't know, but still, it's hardly something to be proud of.

There was this girl worked in a bar in uni that i really fancied. She either was, or really looked like, one of the Suicide Girls.
Anyway, one particularly drunken night she eventually succumbed to my witty banter and insightful, uh, insights.
So we're maulin' the faces off each other in the taxi on the way back to her place and practically kept it up while payin the taxi, walking to the door, goin up the stairs etc...
We get to her bedroom and strip off and me lad near smacked me in the face. She had an unreal body. So I head south and go to town on her and after a fairly enthusiastic exchange of genital and oral fluids she cums.
I move up to kiss her and all of a sudden she's "very sleepy," gives me a quick peck on the cheek, says we'll go again in the morning and rolls over to go to sleep.
So I'm left there with this thumping truncheon and I can practically see the ****er pulsating. Basically theres not a chance of me gettin to sleep with this, so i give it a few minutes to make sure yer wan is asleep and then start seeing to the problem myself. It's not what I'd expected but it would tide me over until the morning.
Im about to shoot and I realise I havent thought this through. there's no where for this to go, so I just catch it in my other hand. Now i'm in this strange room, with a handful of jizz, using the glow from my mobile to find somewhere to throw it.
There's no bin or anything or even a packet of wipes and even the feckin floor was wooden.
Im sat there and this thing is becoming more watery and at a real risk of dribblin out of my hands.
THIS is the feckin moment she chooses to wake up and decide she wants to cuddle.
She murmured something about putting my arms round her and I had a split second to act as she rolled over...so I just hoofed it down my throat.
I wouldnt dip my chips in it now but overall i found the taste fairly inoffensive.
Just in case you're curious she had to "rush off to class" when we woke up the next morning and I never got any.
Never got out with her again after either. Should have rubbed it in her feckin sheets.

These two stories need a lot more recognition.
Funniest posts I've read on boards in a long time, I don't know if it's because it's a Friday or not but I haven't laughed like that in ages!

Blitzkrieger · 11-10-2013 8:36am

DazMarz wrote: »

And btw, when a guy can't get his foreskin back over the head (it's stuck behind the head), that is paraphimosis and it is generally considered a medical emergency. Just to bring the humour down a bit...

Jebus! :eek:

Thankfully I've never had the problem but I would have thought that as soon as... things calmed down a bit, it'd be no problem to slide it back in place. I'm actually curious about how it becomes an emergency though - is it not just a bit sore? Or does the foreskin cut off the flow of blood away from the penis? Either way I want to hear more from that other user about how it gets fixed; that sounds hilarious and/or excrutiating.

Crooked Jack · 11-10-2013 9:34am

Smidge wrote: »

I really hate to be a killjoy but please say you still used a condom?

Up the bum, no harm done

Addle · 11-10-2013 9:38am

Crooked Jack wrote: »

Up the bum, no harm done

And why did she need the MAP?

petes · 11-10-2013 9:44am

Addle wrote: »

And why did she need the MAP?

I presume because while they were at it the condoms ripped.

cletus van damme · 11-10-2013 9:50am

had no condoms so stole them from her parents drawer.

they came home later drunk and couldn't find them . we were pissing ourselves laughing (at quiet as possible) while they drunkenly looked for them in the room next to us.

ectoraige · 11-10-2013 10:02am

Smidge wrote: »

Is anyone else craving a chicken fillet roll now?
It's just me, right?

Yes, if by "chicken fillet roll" you mean a big warm sliced demi-baguette filled with warm breaded chicken, accompanied with lettuce and tomato, and lashings of mayonnaise, then yes, I am.

You randy dirtbag, you.

Crooked Jack · 11-10-2013 10:05am

Addle wrote: »

And why did she need the MAP?

A MAP!?!?! Jaysus, surely it's not that hard to find the ol' balloon knot

Your most embarrassing sex story

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