Much older man.

Lau2976 · 20-11-2014 12:55pm

We're just going to go by ear. If it gets too difficult both of us have agreed to let it go with as few hard feelings as possible.

TBH I can't really say how I would feel, or what I would do, if he ended up sick to the point of me being a carer. I suppose we'll have to cross that bridge if we come to it.

I really like him and if it ends up being just some fun for a while then that's what it ends up being. If we end up married or have kids, they'll both be considered very carefully beforehand!

Buona Fortuna · 21-11-2014 9:29am

Lau2976 wrote: »

TBH I can't really say how I would feel, or what I would do, if he ended up sick to the point of me being a carer. I suppose we'll have to cross that bridge if we come to it.

That could and most likely will happen in any relationship.

The sad truth is that one spouse will likely end up looking after the other. Hopefully that is later in life, but sometimes it doesn't have to be:(.

Sorry to bring a downer on an otherwise upbeat thread, but there has been a bit of that in my family:

A relatively young husband now has to care for his relatively young wife because of a medical condition tha only became apparent 4 years ago.
Also we aren't all going to leave this life in chronological order. Some people seem to expect it but it hasn't been my experience.

I suppose what I'm saying is enjoy the "now". Let the future take care of itself;)

anewme · 21-11-2014 8:54pm

Im in two minds about this. On one side, life is tough enough and if you meet someone who makes you happy, who cares what anyone else thinks, really. The other side of me questions the age gap and how at 24, you still think the world is good and happy and all will be well.

When I was 19/20, I went out with a 37 year old. I was mad about him, totally besotted, and he with me to be fair. He was separated with two children and we were together for 2 years before we split.

My family were against it, I think he was 5 or 6 years younger than my Mum and my side were upset by it.

It's quite weird, because, OP, I am quite like you, shy, not into PDA etc but I was perfectly relaxed with this guy. He used to say to me, ah I look younger than my age and you look older so the age gap is not that noticable, but it must have been, because we did get looks in the street.

Anyway, we did not keep in touch. The years have passed and I am now in my mid 40's. A year or so back I was in a large shop and you know when you feel someone is staring at you across the room. I looked up and there he was. He was then approaching about 60. Well, such a shock I got. He looked completely old. I put him in the same bracket as my Mum and Dad.

I dont regret the relationship at the time, but I doubt very much we would have stayed together and I can say that this guy is too old for me now and physically I would not be attracted to him whatsoever.

I agree with a poster earlier who said, generations are changing. However, I am mid 40's and look considerably younger. I meet some people my own age who I think look and behave 10 or 15 years older and I would say are too old for me and then I meet people 6 or 8 years older who I think look and behave the same age bracket as me.

I think the gap is evident at too sides of the equation, where one party is very young and then again when one party gets very old. In the middle between say 30 and fifty I can see less stress and couples would be more compatible.

In 10 years time, you will only be still very young 34 and he will be approaching an OAP and that will put pressure on things to be sure. The older he gets, the bigger the divide will be I think.

Personally, I think the age gap is too large, but that's my opinion but I dont know you, and I wish you both well and I hope you are happy together.

suicide_circus · 21-11-2014 10:33pm

OP, with an age gap such as the one you have described, the odds are enormously against you two having long term success. I'm not saying it's impossible but on paper it's extremely unlikely. If you're the kind of person who can be involved with someone fot a few years and have it end without you suffering a good bit of heartache, then go for it.

Lau2976 · 21-11-2014 11:15pm

I totally get that worry and I'm feeling it a bit myself sometimes. But we're going to just enjoy it for what it is in the present and deal with the future when it gets here.

I agree that it is a very big age gap. He was older then I am now when I was born! But it doesn't bother me. It may in the future, it probably will TBH but for now I'm going to enjoy it. I'm completely smitten by him ATM but that could change tomorrow. Or we could be together for 30 years and I could never be with anyone else after him. I can't predict the future but I'm willing to take the chance

we've agreed that if one of us is feeling too much strain we'll evaluate what were doing. But for now I'm happy and he's happy.

Appearently among mutual friends it was obvious :rolleyes: so I'm glad to have support from them and I'm hoping my family will warm to him. I don't plan on announcing it anytime soon or moving in with him tomorrow so for now were just enjoying spending more time together. I don't think his family will ever come around. But I'm used to there comments by now. If you can think of it they've probably called me it. That's his problem to deal with though, and my family is mine. I don't want him hurt but with all if his kids being older then me they dont take me seriously so any attempts to tell them they are hurting him have just ended up with me being called a child who doesn't understand how the adult world works so I've taken to being civil and avoid all interaction for now until it calms down a bit.

Emme · 21-11-2014 11:33pm

anewme wrote: »

Im in two minds about this. On one side, life is tough enough and if you meet someone who makes you happy, who cares what anyone else thinks, really. The other side of me questions the age gap and how at 24, you still think the world is good and happy and all will be well.

When I was 19/20, I went out with a 37 year old. I was mad about him, totally besotted, and he with me to be fair. He was separated with two children and we were together for 2 years before we split.

My family were against it, I think he was 5 or 6 years younger than my Mum and my side were upset by it.

It's quite weird, because, OP, I am quite like you, shy, not into PDA etc but I was perfectly relaxed with this guy. He used to say to me, ah I look younger than my age and you look older so the age gap is not that noticable, but it must have been, because we did get looks in the street.

Anyway, we did not keep in touch. The years have passed and I am now in my mid 40's. A year or so back I was in a large shop and you know when you feel someone is staring at you across the room. I looked up and there he was. He was then approaching about 60. Well, such a shock I got. He looked completely old. I put him in the same bracket as my Mum and Dad.

I dont regret the relationship at the time, but I doubt very much we would have stayed together and I can say that this guy is too old for me now and physically I would not be attracted to him whatsoever.

I agree with a poster earlier who said, generations are changing. However, I am mid 40's and look considerably younger. I meet some people my own age who I think look and behave 10 or 15 years older and I would say are too old for me and then I meet people 6 or 8 years older who I think look and behave the same age bracket as me.

I think the gap is evident at too sides of the equation, where one party is very young and then again when one party gets very old. In the middle between say 30 and fifty I can see less stress and couples would be more compatible.

In 10 years time, you will only be still very young 34 and he will be approaching an OAP and that will put pressure on things to be sure. The older he gets, the bigger the divide will be I think.

Personally, I think the age gap is too large, but that's my opinion but I dont know you, and I wish you both well and I hope you are happy together.

I agree with everything you are saying to the OP but ironically the average 45 year old woman would get more attention now from a man approaching 60 than from men her own age. It's an unusual situation and the OP will learn something from it regardless of whether they date for 6 months or stay together for the rest of their lives.

CaraMay · 21-11-2014 11:35pm

Op you do sound like a very steady person but, to be honest, pretty naive. Love doesn't conquer all. A girl I know let a man who was much older than her when she was 39. She fell hard. He fell hard. He didn't want more kids and she decided to give up the possibility of kids for him even though she had desperately wanted kids all her life. His kids were very opposed to the relationship and it went well for a few years, they bought a house, he bought her a ring, the kids continued to kick up and he let her down time after time. He finished with her when she was 46 because his kids didn't want anyone to take their mothers place. She is still heartbroken.

52 year old men are clever and I'm sorry to rain on your parade but he has an agenda here. I'm sure you are very attractive physically, artistically etc but you have to ask yourself what is he in this for? Why is he damaging his relationship with his kids for a girl? Why is he attracted to someone who looks younger than his daughter? You are incredibly naive op if you think this is just a pure love story. There is ego at catching a 24 year old at place here and please don't think there isn't.

I hope you have a fantastic future ahead of you but just be cute to this guy. I'm sure he likes you but I'm also sure he likes the fact you are just 24.

strobe · 22-11-2014 12:58am

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you do sound like a very steady person but, to be honest, pretty naive. Love doesn't conquer all. A girl I know let a man who was much older than her when she was 39. She fell hard. He fell hard. He didn't want more kids and she decided to give up the possibility of kids for him even though she had desperately wanted kids all her life. His kids were very opposed to the relationship and it went well for a few years, they bought a house, he bought her a ring, the kids continued to kick up and he let her down time after time. He finished with her when she was 46 because his kids didn't want anyone to take their mothers place. She is still heartbroken.

52 year old men are clever and I'm sorry to rain on your parade but he has an agenda here. I'm sure you are very attractive physically, artistically etc but you have to ask yourself what is he in this for? Why is he damaging his relationship with his kids for a girl? Why is he attracted to someone who looks younger than his daughter? You are incredibly naive op if you think this is just a pure love story. There is ego at catching a 24 year old at place here and please don't think there isn't.

I hope you have a fantastic future ahead of you but just be cute to this guy. I'm sure he likes you but I'm also sure he likes the fact you are just 24.

Men don't stop being attracted to 24 year old women the day they turn 30, or the day they turn 40, or 50, or, 60. I'm positive this guy is delighted she's 24, as any guy would be of any age tbh. 24 year old women are more attractive than 54 year old women. There's nothing wrong with that. It just is what it is. I think you're the one that's naive tbh Cara.

CaraMay · 22-11-2014 5:07am

strobe wrote: »

Men don't stop being attracted to 24 year old women the day they turn 30, or the day they turn 40, or 50, or, 60. I'm positive this guy is delighted she's 24, as any guy would be of any age tbh. 24 year old women are more attractive than 54 year old women. There's nothing wrong with that. It just is what it is. I think you're the one that's naive tbh Cara.

I agree - sure 24 year old men look better too and that's boiling it all down to looks. We are trying to make the same point.

piperh · 22-11-2014 5:40am

Lau2976 wrote: »

I don't think his family will ever come around. But I'm used to there comments by now. If you can think of it they've probably called me it. That's his problem to deal with though, and my family is mine. I don't want him hurt but with all if his kids being older then me they dont take me seriously so any attempts to tell them they are hurting him have just ended up with me being called a child who doesn't understand how the adult world works so I've taken to being civil and avoid all interaction for now until it calms down a bit.

I am glad you've decided to give it a go but as that family member who had to deal with her dad bringing home a girl I could have gone to school with I have to say this is the wrong approach in my opinion.

You can't say his family his problem, my family my problem. This will cause resentment and conflict and show both families you are not a united front therefore creating the gulf they want. What you both need to do is remain perfectly polite and friendly when you meet each others families whilst refraining from offering advice on their relationship with the partner. Any advice will be seen as interfering and implying you know better. It won't happen overnight but in time you will stop being that young one dad's with and become dad's partner. Of course this can only happen if you don't give them ammunition and prove your not the enemy.

No partner worth having will choose someone over their children so do your best not to make it a choice.

Good luck and I hope you have a lot of happy times ahead.

strobe · 22-11-2014 10:47am

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree - sure 24 year old men look better too and that's boiling it all down to looks. We are trying to make the same point.

The point being he finds her attractive?

Lau2976 · 22-11-2014 11:01am

piperh wrote: »

You can't say his family his problem, my family my problem. This will cause resentment and conflict and show both families you are not a united front therefore creating the gulf they want. What you both need to do is remain perfectly polite and friendly when you meet each others families whilst refraining from offering advice on their relationship with the partner. Any advice will be seen as interfering and implying you know better. It won't happen overnight but in time you will stop being that young one dad's with and become dad's partner. Of course this can only happen if you don't give them ammunition and prove your not the enemy.

No partner worth having will choose someone over their children so do your best not to make it a choice.

I'm not saying I'm going to avoid them necessarily but there's only so many times someone can call you a gold digging whore before you try to not be around them. As far as I'm concerned his family issues are his own unless he explicitly asks me to get involved. As are mine.

I would never, ever expect him to choose anybody over his kids. They're his children. I feel comfortable enough that we've come to a mutual agreement on this fact though

Lau2976 · 22-11-2014 11:09am

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you do sound like a very steady person but, to be honest, pretty naive. Love doesn't conquer all. A girl I know let a man who was much older than her when she was 39. She fell hard. He fell hard. He didn't want more kids and she decided to give up the possibility of kids for him even though she had desperately wanted kids all her life. His kids were very opposed to the relationship and it went well for a few years, they bought a house, he bought her a ring, the kids continued to kick up and he let her down time after time. He finished with her when she was 46 because his kids didn't want anyone to take their mothers place. She is still heartbroken.

52 year old men are clever and I'm sorry to rain on your parade but he has an agenda here. I'm sure you are very attractive physically, artistically etc but you have to ask yourself what is he in this for? Why is he damaging his relationship with his kids for a girl? Why is he attracted to someone who looks younger than his daughter? You are incredibly naive op if you think this is just a pure love story. There is ego at catching a 24 year old at place here and please don't think there isn't.

I hope you have a fantastic future ahead of you but just be cute to this guy. I'm sure he likes you but I'm also sure he likes the fact you are just 24.

I wouldn't say I'm entering this with a love conquers all mindset. I feel I've weighed up the pros and cons enough that I'm happy with my decision. If the strain if the age gap gets too much we've agreed to split with as little hurt feelings as possible. And if, for whatever other reason, he breaks up with me I'll deal with it how I've dealt with every other break up. I'll paint them and watch LOTR with my dog and Chinese food

I presume he's in it for whatever reason a man of any age would be in it. I don't necessarily think his age makes it any more likely that he would lie to me then any other age. And were taking it day by day anyway. Of its a fling then I'm happy with that and I got to have fun while I was young. If it's not a fling then each new step will be cinsidered carefully like this one was.

Thank you

dellas1979 · 22-11-2014 12:50pm

OP the only way you are going to see what happens is to go live it. So, if you are happy, go live it.

If it gets too hard (for whatever reason), or become unhappy, you can always just stop.

People are putting their own views and what they've heard on this (as a bit of a caution/warning and to see both sides), and you have thought this out, so go for it. Noone would ever get anywhere if we never did anything or took risks.

Much older man.

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