Completely ashamed of my appalling eating habits!

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 1:38am #1

I'm a female, mid-twenties, doing fairly well career wise, happy relationship, quite a few close friends, I feel unhappy sometimes but I don't think I'm depressed (I spend a good bit of time thinking over this because I have definitely been depressed in the past, but at the moment I don't think I am.)

My problem is that I have SUCH a terrible diet... to the point where I worry I'm not gonna be able to emphasise here just how shameful it is. It's all a complete secret, I eat alone in my room most of the time so people around me don't get to see just how bad it is.

To give a couple of examples:
Today, I've eaten a six inch Subway, a full-sized Toblerone and about 5 Kit-Kats (uggggghhhh I am ashamed even typing this!). That is all. Today wasn't even a particularly "bad" day food-wise... on other days, you could remove the Subway altogether and just double the amount of chocolate.

I never have breakfast. When I start getting hungry around 11 - 12am, it's usually chocolate/sweets which does me. Sometimes I'll have a lunch (it would be something like a chicken fillet roll) sometimes I won't. Sometimes I'll have dinner (if I do, you can bet it would either be a takeaway, or a frozen microwave dinner from the shop), sometimes I won't. There are days where I won't eat anything at all. There are days where I consume what feels like my weight in chocolate and sweets, and NOTHING else. I can't remember the last time I had a vegetable. I buy fruit from the Super 6 in Aldi every weekend... and throw it away a week or two later when I notice it's all gone off. It never gets eaten (although I keep convincing myself to buy it again the next week - "Oh, this week will be different." This week will ALWAYS be the gamechanger, according to clever ol' me!)

I get to a point fairly regularly, where I am just so f'ing ashamed of myself I break down and cry and SWEAR to myself it will be different from this point on. I print out recipes. I do a huge grocery shop, full of fresh meats and vegetables. I buy a notebook to use as a food journal. I buy cookery books in Easons.

And I just... I don't know. It doesn't happen. I don't change. And I haven't got a CLUE why I act like this. I get so mortified when my co-workers or friends talk about how "bold" they were at the weekend, having maybe a slice of cake on Saturday, and a white-bread sandwich on Sunday. And I laugh along and nod my head and smile in agreement, thinking God - if only they knew! I can't see how anyone could possibly want to be my friend if they knew that my diet is probably 70% chocolate/sweets. The majority of what I drink during the day is Coke and Fanta. I hide all the packaging from my food down the bottom of the bin because I'm embarrassed my housemate might see.

I'm not bulimic or anything - I don't throw my food up. I don't have any particular desire to be skinnier. I'm around a UK size 10 - 12 in clothes, so fairly average, and I don't strive to lose weight. However, just because I'm not overweight doesn't mean I don't feel the physical effects - my mouth and tongue are FULL of painful mouth ulcers (I can feel them throbbing as I sit here typing!), I'm constantly tired, I'm pale, I get spots on my face regularly whereas I never did as a teenager.

The thing that frustrates me most is that I have NO idea how I manage to be such a total f'ck-up in this area of my life. I actually grew up dirt poor with my family barely able to afford food, so how I justify to myself putting a week's worth of healthy grocery shopping into the bin when it inevitably goes off is BEYOND me, and quite frankly, it disgusts me. I think of the poor and the homeless and the hungry and I just want to punch myself with frustration.

I'm lucky enough to be successful in my career, to the point where I could afford to buy whatever groceries I need. I'm "educated" - bachelors and Masters, although clearly I'm a complete f'ing moron when it comes to basic life skills. I have the wonderful boyfriend, lovely supportive friends. WHAT is wrong with me? I've been like this for pretty much my entire life and some nights I just cry myself to sleep with the shame of it.

I know it needs to change. I'd love to be a mother and have my own family, but I know if I can't sort myself out it won't be an option for me, I would never bring a child into the world if I knew I couldn't provide them with the basic standard of care they deserve.

I know the simplest solution would be to ONLY have the healthy stuff in the house, and no junk whatsoever. I have tried this. I just sit there in hunger for a day or two, until I physically can't concentrate or think properly anymore and NEED to order a takeaway/go buy sweets. This happens over... and over again.

So uhhh... sorry that was so long.

Please don't feel any need to sugar-coat (no pun intended) any responses if you've managed to get this far, I almost WISH someone would tell me what a useless, disgusting mess I am. I would really appreciate any replies. Thanks very much for reading this.

R.D. aka MR.D · 28-11-2015 4:03am

Make an appointment with a GP as soon as possible. They can refer you to the correct specialist which might be a nutritionist and councillor.

It's obvious from the post that you have some self-esteem issues. Nobody on here is going to tell you that you are a disgusting useless mess because you aren't.

You need help with help. It would be great if you could do it alone but you can't. there is absolutely no shame in getting help.

So, as I say, make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible and get some help with your eating. You can do it! You can get used to a healthy diet and stick to it especially with professional help.

Yakkyda · 28-11-2015 5:15am

I'm quite like you I think. I eat very little, but when I do, I pig out. Usually on the worst stuff possible. I'm 5'10“,male,weigh about 9 1/2 stone. (I was 12 1/2 when 15,now 31...)
I drink like a fish to boot, like, seriously I have serious issues with alcohol.
I have no problem eating a nice meal, but struggle to actually prepare it for myself. I know what you are saying about the groceries, I do the same myself all the time.

I haven't got a any advice to give , but you certainly don't need (or really Want) anyone telling you yer a mess or whatever. I had a similar childhood (we were pretty much dirt poor) which may contribute to my issues. You seem to recognise that this is affecting you, which is good, first step towards a solution.

Onwards and upwards!

28-11-2015 11:05am

OP, you should really consider going to a counsellor and get advice from them about how to proceed. What I'd worry about is that your compulsions and self-deprecation over your eating habits leads to an eating disorder of some sort. Because it just isn't the act of throwing up that makes you have one.

Yakkyda wrote: »

I'm quite like you I think. I eat very little, but when I do, I pig out. Usually on the worst stuff possible. I'm 5'10“,male,weigh about 9 1/2 stone. (I was 12 1/2 when 15,now 31...)
I drink like a fish to boot, like, seriously I have serious issues with alcohol.
I have no problem eating a nice meal, but struggle to actually prepare it for myself. I know what you are saying about the groceries, I do the same myself all the time.

I haven't got a any advice to give , but you certainly don't need (or really Want) anyone telling you yer a mess or whatever. I had a similar childhood (we were pretty much dirt poor) which may contribute to my issues. You seem to recognise that this is affecting you, which is good, first step towards a solution.

Onwards and upwards!

You definitely need to see a counsellor.

seamus · 28-11-2015 11:49am

disgusting345 wrote: »

The thing that frustrates me most is that I have NO idea how I manage to be such a total f'ck-up in this area of my life. I actually grew up dirt poor with my family barely able to afford food, so how I justify to myself putting a week's worth of healthy grocery shopping into the bin when it inevitably goes off is BEYOND me, and quite frankly, it disgusts me.

Look, eating habits don't come naturally. They are learned and ingrained from a young age, and the example that parents set is the example that you will follow. I'm of course not saying your parents were at fault - if meals were a matter of eating whatever you can afford whenever you can afford it, then you don't have the luxury of experiencing a mixture of different meals, of having portions rationed and perhaps you didn't even always get to sit down for regular meals.

So it's pretty typical that when you grow up you will continue following the same patterns you've followed your whole life, including eating at odd times, and eating whatever happens to be the easiest thing to get your hands on rather than taking the time to consider and prepare a specific meal.

It doesn't mean you're a mess or a failure or a fnck up.

The help you need has to be specific to you, so like others I would recommend you go to a GP for referral to a dietician (not a nutritionist, that's not a real thing). They can give you specific assistance to help you break this cycle.

One thing I can tell you though is not to be so hard on yourself. Changing your dietary habits are up there as one of the hardest things to do. Practically everyone who tries will fail on the first ten or twenty goes. This is because unlike smoking or drinking, you can't just go cold turkey. You have to try and change your eating habits, while still eating. Which is very difficult., like trying to fix a car while it's still moving.

This won't change overnight, or even in a week or a month. You have to change your eating habits for the rest of your life, and it's failing to understand this that causes many people to fail - they think that a week or a month of eating "healthy" will fix everything and keep kicking themselves when they revert to old habits.

You're also not picking a great time of year.

What's killing you right now is the sugar. It's incredibly addictive. The reason you "give in" and splurge is because the sugar is calling to you. And the only way to get over this is to remove it from your diet, but with Xmas coming up the odds of that happening are minimal.

So perhaps just a routine change will help for the time being - force yourself to eat at set times, on top of whatever else you're eating. Even if that's just two pieces of toast in the morning, a roll at lunchtime, and some soup at dinnertime, you can put together a framework of eating habits that you can build on in the new year.
I didn't eat breakfast for years. From the age about of 14 I was more concerned about staying in bed late than eating breakfast, so would go to school with nothing in my stomach. Like you, I got used to it. I never felt hungry and would just eat a big lunch. I was 30 before I forced myself to start eating breakfast again.
Now I can't go without it. If I didn't have breakfast now I would feel physically ill by 10am.

But go to the dietician, yours will be far from the worse or most incredible eating habits they've seen, and they can help guide you out of this.

The Bishop Basher · 28-11-2015 12:06pm

It seems like you are aware of the problem and you really want to change it. In order to change it you're going to have to change the way you think about food.

In addition to the previous suggestions I would really recommend hypnotherapy.

You could find a good hypnotherapist in your area or even download one of the many decent hypnotherapy apps and listen to it every night going to sleep. It costs a couple of euro and is incredibly relaxing so you've absolutely nothing to lose.

There are sessions on some of the apps that deal specifically with sugar addiction.

I've used this method myself for many things in the past and found it helpful. You have to want to change and it won't radically alter anything but it will make the healthier choices seem a little easier to opt for and from there you can build on changing in a more permanent way.

Hope this helps and best of luck.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 12:15pm

You're not alone op! I do eat veg but I eat a shocking amount of snacks sometimes. I am not overweight either,resting a size 10-12. I can have really good days and really bad days and always find it harder when it's miserable and cold outside for some reason.
I think you would benefit from some sort of therapy. The only reason is because you aren't getting any fruit or veg into your diet and feel like the issue might go deeper then just a bad diet.

Dughorm · 28-11-2015 1:07pm

Really good advice given in the thread above. A lot of people don't have the traditional breakfast/lunch/dinner routine but they don't have the sugar intensive diet you described above either - work towards somewhere in the middle for starters!

How about thinking about your boyfriend in this - what does he do for lunch/dinner? Is he a good chef? How about going out for lunch or dinner together? It isn't a big jump from a subway chicken roll to a chicken bap with a side salad for lunch.

Or consider doing a cooking class? Once you see meals being prepared and how lovely they smell it might tempt you to try some yourself

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 1:14pm

Hi guys, OP here. Thank you so much for your replies! I wasn't really expecting to get any, so I really appreciate you taking the time out to write back to me.

To reply to everyone individually:

R.D. aka M.D.:

Thank you! You're completely right about me needing help in order to help myself... Clearly my own efforts are failing, again and again, something needs to change. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to go to my GP about it though... Honestly, I have no idea what I'd say. "Hi there, I eat too much junk food and I feel like sh't as a result. Please help." My GP is wonderful but I can see her laughing at me, writing me a prescription for a fresh green salad and telling me to let her get back to people treating who are actually sick, as opposed to me who is MAKING myself sick! And well... fair enough, can't argue with that logic. I would definitely approach a dietitian though - as a matter of fact, I googled dietitians in my area after I read your post, I didn't really know such a thing existed! I know they'd be much more likely to take me seriously than my GP. They say they do free consultations so I'm going to try to arrange one and see what they could do for me.

Yakkyda:

Oh, I can relate so much to you saying that you have no problem eating a nice meal, you just struggle to prepare it yourself - that's me too. The bizarre thing is I really like vegetables, most meats, and the thought of a nice, nuttirious, homecooked meal makes my mouth water. But for whatever reason, I just can't seem to do it myself... like some sort or roadblock or fear or resistance going on in my messed up brain!
I really hope you can get help with your alcohol issues. Just like you said to me, I don't really have any advice to give... but I wish you all the best and hope things turn around for you. We're not lost causes yet!

bogeyarsebogman:

You're right. I do think I need to see a counsellor of some sort or I'm never going to change - after all, it's been a whole lifetime so far and despite every "epiphany" and every "promise" I make to myself that things are going to change, they don't, so it doesn't take a genius to work out that I need to try a different tack. I don't want to bring children into a life like mine, but I DO desperately want children someday, so that gives me some motivation to sort my mess of a life out. Thank you.

Seamus:

Thank you for your lovely response! It really made me think about things in a different way...

My parents are great people, and I would never say differently. Any problems I'm going through are MY fault and my fault alone, of course. I would never dream of trying to shift the blame, they did their best in the situation they were faced with. But what you said... you're completely right. Growing up, there were no sit-down "meals" or anything like that. My parents didn't know how to cook, so we had bags of chips from the chippers when we could afford it or whatever foods we could get cheaply, which we'd eat whenever we were hungry (things like those dry noodles that you boil, the ones that are around 10-15c a pack.) As a result, mortifyingly enough, I still haven't even learned how to cook an egg!

So I might not have had the best start nutrition-wise, definitely. But let's face it... I'm a grown woman now. It's up to ME to sort myself out. So... I think I'm going to go with the counsellor/dietitian plan.

Your advice to force myself to eat something breakfast-y in the morning, something lunch-y in the afternoon and something dinner-y in the evening really stands out to me as brilliant advice. Even if the things I choose aren't particularly nutritious choices - like toast, a roll from the shop, and some soup, it's all about stopping myself from having those days where I eat nothing at all, and those days where all I eat is sugar. Thank you.

Swanner:

I will look into those apps! Thank you for your reply

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 1:38pm

Sorry Dughorn, didn't see your reply when I posted mine!

I think you're completely right about needing to find a middle ground. What I tend to do is think I need to go from my current diet (repulsive, terrible) to a PERFECT diet, the kind everyone trying to be healthier strives for (no sugar at all, no processed foods ever, no fatty foods, no meals out ever, etc) and well... it's laughable and cringey looking back at my naivety. Never ONCE has it worked, not even for a day, and of course it bloody well hasn't. I don't even know how to make porridge, I'm hardly gonna be the vegan, paleo, clean eating idol of gym buff's dreams. I feel like as though all I KNOW how to eat is chocolate, I can hardly go from 0/10 to 10/10 overnight. And everytime I fail at being "perfect," I just cry and cry and feel utterly useless.

So yeah... I think "middle ground" is the answer here.

Aw, my boyfriend is lovely, bless him, but he doesn't really know the extent of it. Because we both work such long hours in different counties, we only get to spend Saturday/Sunday together, and he eats REALLY healthy during the weekdays when I'm not there. Like, perfectly. And then when I arrive, all he wants to do is get a pizza or a takeaway with some munchies - after all, he says, "We've both been so good during the week, we deserve a day off. C'mon, let's get a takeaway. One a week won't hurt!"
And there's me, lying through my teeth, agreeing that I was "so healthy" during the week that we deserve a takeaway and some icecream together. Gaaaaaahhhhhh!
I don't feel comfortable telling anyone (even him, and I love him to pieces) about my eating, unfortunately. Telling this forum honestly felt harrowing enough!

Cooking classes sound fantastic, but I mean... how basic do they go? I cannot emphasise the extent to which I don't know how to cook. Like, it's not a case that my beef wellington could use improving, it's a case that last time I convinced myself to cook a full meal by myself (a few years ago now), I poured oil directly onto a boiling hot pan and set the house on fire. An amusing anecdote if told in a casual "silly-ol-me!" tone, but in truth, the kind of memory which still frequently gives me nightmares and panic attacks.

If I can find a cooking class which wouldn't laugh me out of the building, I think I would love to do one.

beks101 · 28-11-2015 2:48pm

Given the little history synopsis you've given, I think your food habits are completely understandable. Your parents did their best given the circumstances but you were essentially raised on a half-baked diet of convenience foods and in later life with your career etc, you've never had the time or the wherewithal to change.

The first thing you need to do if you're going to change is to stop the bloody self-berating and self-haranguing. We all have our vices in life and food is clearly a crutch for you, one that was learned and that you've had to deal with all alone because it's not quite as 'visible' as other addictions like alcohol or drugs.

Quit beating yourself up. You're here now, it is what it is, and it doesn't take from your value or intelligence or worthiness as a human being, anymore than any other addiction would.

For what it's worth, I know a LOT of people with similar eating habits. To look at them they seem healthy and of normal weight, but they're staying slim through any amount of self-destructive behaviours (like the other poster above.) It's not about not being smart enough to 'know better', it's about not being able to find your way out of some pretty compulsive life-long habits and the taboo of it preventing you from seeking help.

disgusting345 wrote: »

I'm not sure I'd have the guts to go to my GP about it though... Honestly, I have no idea what I'd say. "Hi there, I eat too much junk food and I feel like sh't as a result. Please help."

How about "I'm struggling with some eating issues and it's affecting my mental and physical health and I know I need to make some pretty big changes but I think I need help to do so. I've tried, but I can't do it alone."

As I mentioned, eating distress is alarmingly common and any GP worth his/her salt won't underestimate how devastating it can be.

FWIW, I had a pretty bad eating disorder as a late teen that evolved into considerable eating distress and self-esteem issues (and a MAJOR sugar addiction) that lasted the best part of a decade.

The turning point was when I started seeing a personal trainer who told me I might look 'grand' but I was staggeringly 'skinny fat' with zero muscle mass and was putting myself at risk for all sorts of health issues down the line.

I started training and started cooking and eating lots and lots of protein and vegetables, cut down on (but not OUT) sugar and within about a month I felt like a completely different person. Literally. Sugar affects your mood and how you feel about yourself in the most pervasive way. It's probably influencing your defeatist attitude in a big way. I essentially went from a negative, lethargic, exhausted person to a happy, self assured individual. I became more social. The new self discipline with my diet gave my confidence a massive bolster which affected every part of my life.

You don't and won't change overnight. You don't need to cut out any food group entirely or give up chocolate indefinitely or anything remotely extreme like that. Your perfectionist tendencies and the trying-to-change-overnight are probably setting you up for failure.

You just need to start small with someone patient and understanding who can walk you through the steps you need to take to achieve better health. And with that, the cravings for crap food will begin to die.

coolcat63 · 28-11-2015 4:11pm

Have a look for Delia Smith's How to Cook books (3 in the set) - they start with the very basics of how to cook an egg and are incredibly easy to follow.

But before you even turn on the oven, try this;

Buy a hand blender with a jug attachment. Chop up an apple (take the core out) chop up a carrot (no need to peel it, just cut the thick end off) a banana and maybe a handful of raw spinach. Put all the bite sized pieces in the jug with a glass full of juice of your choice. PUT THE LID ON!! Pulse it for a minute and bingo - you have a nutritious, filling breakfast 😊

CaraMay · 28-11-2015 4:14pm

Op clearly your diet needs to change for health reasons if nothing else. Don't listen to other people when they go in about how 'bold' for eating a slice of cake or a sandwich. That's just ridiculous talk. I hear people going on like this a lot 'oh I feel so bad as I had a glass of wine / packet of crisps / bag of chips'. Stupid talk.

Would you meet a dietician and see of they can come up with an easy to prepare food plan? Not sure if the gp is the answer to everything

thisistough · 28-11-2015 4:19pm

disgusting345 wrote: »

Hi guys, OP here. Thank you so much for your replies! I wasn't really expecting to get any, so I really appreciate you taking the time out to write back to me.

To reply to everyone individually:

R.D. aka M.D.:

Thank you! You're completely right about me needing help in order to help myself... Clearly my own efforts are failing, again and again, something needs to change. I'm not sure I'd have the guts to go to my GP about it though... Honestly, I have no idea what I'd say. "Hi there, I eat too much junk food and I feel like sh't as a result. Please help." My GP is wonderful but I can see her laughing at me, writing me a prescription for a fresh green salad and telling me to let her get back to people treating who are actually sick, as opposed to me who is MAKING myself sick! And well... fair enough, can't argue with that logic. I would definitely approach a dietitian though - as a matter of fact, I googled dietitians in my area after I read your post, I didn't really know such a thing existed! I know they'd be much more likely to take me seriously than my GP. They say they do free consultations so I'm going to try to arrange one and see what they could do for me.

Yakkyda:

Oh, I can relate so much to you saying that you have no problem eating a nice meal, you just struggle to prepare it yourself - that's me too. The bizarre thing is I really like vegetables, most meats, and the thought of a nice, nuttirious, homecooked meal makes my mouth water. But for whatever reason, I just can't seem to do it myself... like some sort or roadblock or fear or resistance going on in my messed up brain!
I really hope you can get help with your alcohol issues. Just like you said to me, I don't really have any advice to give... but I wish you all the best and hope things turn around for you. We're not lost causes yet!

bogeyarsebogman:

You're right. I do think I need to see a counsellor of some sort or I'm never going to change - after all, it's been a whole lifetime so far and despite every "epiphany" and every "promise" I make to myself that things are going to change, they don't, so it doesn't take a genius to work out that I need to try a different tack. I don't want to bring children into a life like mine, but I DO desperately want children someday, so that gives me some motivation to sort my mess of a life out. Thank you.

Seamus:

Thank you for your lovely response! It really made me think about things in a different way...

My parents are great people, and I would never say differently. Any problems I'm going through are MY fault and my fault alone, of course. I would never dream of trying to shift the blame, they did their best in the situation they were faced with. But what you said... you're completely right. Growing up, there were no sit-down "meals" or anything like that. My parents didn't know how to cook, so we had bags of chips from the chippers when we could afford it or whatever foods we could get cheaply, which we'd eat whenever we were hungry (things like those dry noodles that you boil, the ones that are around 10-15c a pack.) As a result, mortifyingly enough, I still haven't even learned how to cook an egg!

So I might not have had the best start nutrition-wise, definitely. But let's face it... I'm a grown woman now. It's up to ME to sort myself out. So... I think I'm going to go with the counsellor/dietitian plan.

Your advice to force myself to eat something breakfast-y in the morning, something lunch-y in the afternoon and something dinner-y in the evening really stands out to me as brilliant advice. Even if the things I choose aren't particularly nutritious choices - like toast, a roll from the shop, and some soup, it's all about stopping myself from having those days where I eat nothing at all, and those days where all I eat is sugar. Thank you.

Swanner:

I will look into those apps! Thank you for your reply

Hi OP

Are you me? I've always been the same, I could eat crisps and popcorn and nothing else for a week! I am a bit overweight but my focus is on making better lifestyle choices as opposed to just losing weight. On the recommendation of my gp I joined a Slimming World group and I'm finding it great! There are plenty of people in the group who aren't looking to lose a lot of weight and just want to get healthier. I know it sounds a bit embarrassing going to one of these meetings and I must say at the start I didn't really want to but it's a great support structure. It's also not a diet but an education as to how to make better choices. There's a thread on boards in the nutrition and fitness section I think that would give you a feel for it! Might be worth a look

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 4:35pm

Op...CAN you cook??
I come from a house with three meals a day, and it's a crisis if I don't have my breakfast and dinner...but that's what I've been trained into.I have a small daughter now and yeah, weaning and food training is a big thing, so if you can do it ok yourself, it helps a lot.

I have Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food, which I would recommend as another starter book.He lists the equipment and ingredients you should have in your presses (none of it too exotic) and then gives you loads of recipes.It was designed with non-cookers, poor eaters and people who have no time so eat boxed and takeaway food a lot....to teach them to make a good meal from scratch.It's definitely worth a look.

I would second the idea of a GP visit because you clearly do have issues around food.But equally it's understandable.There are basic
cookery classes around Dublin I'm sure, if you
google you will find them.Don't worry about the people who freak about having one slice of white bread, or something like that, they are at an extreme.

I think the fact that you recognise and want to do something about it is half your battle.So off you go!!

njs030 · 28-11-2015 5:03pm

coolcat63 wrote: »

Have a look for Delia Smith's How to Cook books (3 in the set) - they start with the very basics of how to cook an egg and are incredibly easy to follow.

But before you even turn on the oven, try this;

Buy a hand blender with a jug attachment. Chop up an apple (take the core out) chop up a carrot (no need to peel it, just cut the thick end off) a banana and maybe a handful of raw spinach. Put all the bite sized pieces in the jug with a glass full of juice of your choice. PUT THE LID ON!! Pulse it for a minute and bingo - you have a nutritious, filling breakfast ðŸ˜Š

I think because op has a sugar addiction this might not appeal to her tastebuds, id be more inclined to suggest starting with a berry, Orange juice and yoghurt smoothie to start her off and gradually move on the the healthier options.

Op the dietician is a good idea, and as said above make sure it's a qualified dietician not a nutritionist who has no formal qualifications.
In the meantime could you try just once a day to force yourself to replace a rubbish meal with something decent? For example this morning I was dying to eat the toy show leftover goodies but instead made myself have avocado on toast ....I was too full then to go for the sweets!!
Also, do investigate smoothies that might appeal to you to get some fruit and veg in, like I said previously you can start with the sweets stuff and work up to the really healthy stuff!!

El_Dangeroso · 28-11-2015 6:44pm

OP, this isn't about food.

Binging like this is almost a form of self-harm, and I'd really recommend a counsellor to talk through the emotions behind these episodes.

You are not disgusting, that's a such an unkind thing to say about yourself, you wouldn't stand by and allow a friend to be insulted like this, so why would you be so unkind to yourself?

Are you a perfectionist? Do you hold yourself to an unrealistically high standard? Maybe spending some time meditating on what else is going on that causes you to cycle between binging and self-disgust.

Neyite · 28-11-2015 8:16pm

OP, others have given you excellent advice about where to start going for help so I wont repeat it here. What I did want to suggest though, is the learning to cook angle.

It's daunting when you don't know how to cook. And even when you do, after a long day at work, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to spend ages in the kitchen. But learning to cook is a gradual learning process, and could become a way of helping shape your dietary habits. If you pick one recipe a month (or once a fortnight) - something simple to start with, like a stew or a spaghetti bolognaise, or an easy curry that you'd like to make, and do the recipe. You'll have the odd disaster, but in a few months, you'll know how to cook a few different healthy things, then after a year, a few more. And so on. Plus you'll have gradually built up the general stuff like oil, herbs and spices instead of spending a fortune in one go.

I still do this, even though I'd know a fair few meals to cook, I like picking something from the cooking club or cooking forums here and trying it. Then, a few years ago I realised I couldnt bake a thing, so did the one-a-month thing for a year and now have a few baking recipes that I can manage now.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2015 8:32pm

hi OP i don't know if this helps but when i read that you had mouth ulcers i thought id reply as i used to be ablsolutely plagued with them for years. Still get them the odd time but ive found that taking Lysine supplements helps get rid of them (usually within a day or two). Also I found that Coke always brought them on, always used to get them if id had a can or two of coke for some reason. As well, using an SLS-free toothpaste might help as they can also be made worse by sls products (sodium laureth sulphate). This is not intended as medical advice per se, just that these were my own personal experieces and advice id received myself by pharmacists. Hope this helps, they can be horrific little buggers!

Merkin · 28-11-2015 9:45pm

I'm not going to diagnose as I'm not qualified but you do seem to be consuming a disproportionate amount of sugar and sugar is more addictive than any of the bad drugs. Have you read up on this at all? Have a look.

caille · 29-11-2015 12:37am

Hi OP, some great advice here, I have had my own share of eating difficulties, including what you are describing, but I feel now I have come out of the other side of it all. You are actually very young, I didn't get to grips with my food issues until my early thirties so I think time is completely on your side to get a handle on it. You need to take baby steps with it and give yourself time with each one and you will be ok, you really will. I am just glad to read that you haven't been getting sick or seriously bingeing, what you are doing is very fixable.

This is what has helped me:

(1) Get some very basic, simple cooking books, ones that will tell you how to food shop and how to boil an egg etc

(2) Definitely find a dietician and go for at least four sessions, like others said, she/he won't be hearing anything from you that will be out of the ordinary. You will be asked to complete a food diary and then on reading that, you will be asked to look at what small changes you could make. You might also be asked to try a small number of foods per week and see how you get on.

(3) As your diet is heavy on sugar and chocolate, the thing with this is that the more of this you eat, the more your body craves this, its pretty vicious. It took me years and years to figure out this cycle but eventually I did and I kind of got angry at it (in a good way) and decided that I wasn't going to let it control my life. I still eat chocolate, biscuits, cake, almost every day, but now I can have reasonable portions and not feel the need to overeat them because there are so many interesting good healthy foods that I really like now and want to eat.

(4) Which leads me onto this - the more healthy nice foods you can eat, the more your body wants them. Again, it took me a long time to realise this as well but it is really true.

(5) Try to eat one new food (a fruit, a vegetable, rice cake etc) a week. If you don't like it, you never have to eat it again. Life is too short to eat foods you don't like and when you do find a food you like, write it down and build a list up. There are some fruits, vegetables and healthy foods I don't like at all but there are far more of all of these that I love and eat regularly now.

(6) If you are learning to cook, get into experimenting with cooking and preparing healthy meals in interesting ways. This takes time to learn and figure out but once you do, you will never look back.

You will be ok, OP, you do need to make a start on changing things, but if you take your time and do it slowly, you won't know yourself a year from now. I used to eat like you did (and far worse) and now my diet is very varied, very interesting, with still room for treats as well. It's a pleasure to eat like this now but it took a few years to get there, so give yourself plenty of time with all this.

Makapakka · 29-11-2015 12:48am

I am like you in that I am just binging every now and again. I think talking to a cbt therapist would be a good way to go as they teach you how to be mindful about things, in your case, your eating habits. This is the approach I took and it has really helped me.

Would you consider joining weight watchers or slimming world, not to lose weigh, but to start eating in a regular healthy pattern? I know a few people who have done this, no particular weight to lose, but just wanted to learn how to eat healthier and with healthy nutritious food.

Good luck ðŸ˜Š

kylith · 29-11-2015 1:20pm

I think the best thing to start with might be to talk to your boyfriend and explain to him that your eating habits aren't as good as you let on and you'd like his help. You said that he eats healthily during the week so ask him to help you cook at the weekend. I find that if I cook a big batch of curry or chilli at the weekend then I have a ready source of meals through the week; I just take one out of the freezer in the morning and then pop it in the microwave when I get home. Cook a big pot of curry one weekend, a bolognaise the next, casserole the one after; keep doing that every weekend and you'll soon build up a stock of good food, and it only takes a couple of hours once a week.

LegacyUser · 29-11-2015 5:12pm

Thank you so much to everyone who replied!

I've read over the entire thread about four or five times now, and everytime I read it, it makes me feel a bit more positive and hopeful.

Sorry I don't have time to reply to everyone's messages invidually, but just to address a couple of points:

Re: Lysine supplements: THANK YOU! I'd genuinely never heard of these before, but a quick google search has shown me plenty of people who have the same experience with mouth ulcers and think it's a godsend. I'll be heading to Holland & Barrett straight after work tomorrow to pick some up - fingers crossed!

Re: Cooking books: Both the Delia set and the Jamie Oliver book sound great. Thank you! They'll be going on the Christmas list!

I did my usual big grocery shop today but I think I was more sensible about it than usual - instead of being all idealistic and buying the heathiest, purest ingredients (that I don't have a ****ing notion how to use), I just bought some simple, tasty, moderately healthy, very easy to use stuff instead. Like, only the fruits that I know I LIKE, breakfast stuff which I know would only take me 2 minutes to prepare while I'm running out the door to work, and some stuff to snack on that isn't chocolate or sweets (rice cakes, nuts, yoghurt, etc).

I'm going to ring up a dietician tomorrow - turns out there's one close enough to my house.

Obviously I'm not magically fixed or anything, but for the first time in ages, I feel quite positive. Thank you everyone xxx

bee06 · 29-11-2015 6:08pm

OP, I think when you are trying to make a big life change baby steps is the way to go like you are trying now. It's less of a shock to the system that trying to change everything at once so you are less likely to fall back into old ways. Good luck with it! Have a nose around the food and drink forum here as well and ask questions if you need to even if you think they might be basic. Everyone had to start somewhere when it comes to cooking.

LegacyUser · 29-11-2015 8:41pm

You will not be "cured" over night. You only need to look at any of the Operation Transformation type programmes to see how difficult it is to COMPLETELY change your lifestyle. With a lot of help support and hand holding it is extremely difficult. Going it alone it's almost impossible.

I read "an old chinese saying" one time that said, don't do 1 thing 100% better, but do everything 1% better. Making a huge change in your life from a zero starting point is only going to lead to failure. It's too much. It's too daunting. Getting to 100% from 0% in one go is too much of a climb, which makes it too easy to give up.

Start small. Really really very small. Like beans on toast small! Pour half a tin of beans into a jug/bowl stick them in the microwave wave for a minute and a half or 2 minutes, and have them with toast. There you go! You've eaten something other than sweets.

Baked potatoes are simple. Google it! Pick the simplest method, don't be bothering with oil, or sea salt etc at first! You don't need to go fancy at all. You don't need to perfect that beef wellington just yet! Honestly. Start really really small. And pick one day that you're going to do one meal/snack etc that you will make yourself. Planning to make yourself every meal, every day etc is just setting yourself up for a fall, and a sure way of ensuring you don't even attempt something. "Why bother, when I know I'm not going to be able"!

There's been loads of great advice here. Take your time. There's no rush to change everything all at once. Start making tiny changes and build on that. Cookery classes would also be great. And don't be afraid of looking ridiculous. Anyone I know who loves cooking, also loves showing others how to cook! Who knows, next year you might be cooking the family Christmas dinner

I wish you well, OP. You know something needs to change, just don't put too much pressure on yourself to change everything. I'm 40, married, 4 children and I'm still learning how to cook! I made my first homemade soup the other day. It was delicious, and so simple. (Google Darina Allen leek and potato, if you fancy trying it!)

Good luck.

meeeeh · 30-11-2015 2:14am

some good advice here regarding dietician etc.

I actually think you would benefit from going to a cookery course. Some basic stuff to give you the idea how to use salt, when to put meat on the pan... I wasn't much of a cook but I come from a family that ate well prepared meals, so when the roast went wrong, I knew it shouldn't taste like that and tried again next time and not just dismissed it as something I don't like. you don't have that knowledge.

I suspect that you have very limited experience of different foods. Even when you buy a sandwich or a roll, try to go to a different place and order something you never tried before. Most places offer their own sandwich combinations. Or buy a quiche instead of a roll. I think you are right to buying the veg and fruit you like, not what is in super six offer. I eat a lot of fruit (no smoothies btw) and I mostly buy one or two things per week from those offers, just the stuff we like or need. There is no point spending3 euro on 6 items that you won't eat instead of buying a bunch of bananas (or whatever other fruit) that you will eat.

And finally don't believe people when they start complaining about being bad and having a sandwich with two slices of white bread. You can bet your last euro it was accompanied by a bag of crisps, some take away later on, a bottle or two of wine and chocolate or cake next day possibly accompanied with 600 calorie frappuccino. People tend to minimize the amount of rubbish they eat or they even don't realize they are eating it. Different shop bought smoothies being prime example. We are not getting fatter as a population for no reason and it's not because we are overeating cabbage.

That being said your diet is shocking. You eat bad foods and you eat very irregularly. You are very lucky that at least you don't have to deal with excessive weight (depending your height) but that will change with age. At least it does for most people. You have a chance to sort these things out now, when you don't have additional pressure that children and family bring. Hood luck.

beks101 · 30-11-2015 8:39am

LegoFriends wrote: »

You will not be "cured" over night. You only need to look at any of the Operation Transformation type programmes to see how difficult it is to COMPLETELY change your lifestyle. With a lot of help support and hand holding it is extremely difficult. Going it alone it's almost impossible.

I read "an old chinese saying" one time that said, don't do 1 thing 100% better, but do everything 1% better. Making a huge change in your life from a zero starting point is only going to lead to failure. It's too much. It's too daunting. Getting to 100% from 0% in one go is too much of a climb, which makes it too easy to give up.

Start small. Really really very small. Like beans on toast small! Pour half a tin of beans into a jug/bowl stick them in the microwave wave for a minute and a half or 2 minutes, and have them with toast. There you go! You've eaten something other than sweets.

Baked potatoes are simple. Google it! Pick the simplest method, don't be bothering with oil, or sea salt etc at first! You don't need to go fancy at all. You don't need to perfect that beef wellington just yet! Honestly. Start really really small. And pick one day that you're going to do one meal/snack etc that you will make yourself. Planning to make yourself every meal, every day etc is just setting yourself up for a fall, and a sure way of ensuring you don't even attempt something. "Why bother, when I know I'm not going to be able"!

There's been loads of great advice here. Take your time. There's no rush to change everything all at once. Start making tiny changes and build on that. Cookery classes would also be great. And don't be afraid of looking ridiculous. Anyone I know who loves cooking, also loves showing others how to cook! Who knows, next year you might be cooking the family Christmas dinner

I wish you well, OP. You know something needs to change, just don't put too much pressure on yourself to change everything. I'm 40, married, 4 children and I'm still learning how to cook! I made my first homemade soup the other day. It was delicious, and so simple. (Google Darina Allen leek and potato, if you fancy trying it!)

Good luck.

Best post in the thread. And you one you should be coming back to time and again OP.

Start small.

The danger with threads like these and their ample advice and ideas about how to get healthy (which are all wonderful), is that they will trigger your perfectionist tendencies and leave you in a deflated heap at the end of the week when you haven't managed to 1. cook all your meals from scratch 2. cut out sugar/eat sugar once a day 3. follow a meal plan prescribed by a dietician to a tee all day every day 4. stop the negative self talk all at once.

And you end up throwing in the towel because fcuk me this is hard and I just can't do it and I'm a crap person who's just meant to have a crappy diet so why even bother

To be brutally honest, I think the constant bombardment of mixed messages and endless information and conflicting information that you get EVERYWHERE about trying to be as healthy as you can (from family, friends, online, magazines...) and my obsession with it all was the biggest reason why I couldn't do a U-turn in my own diet and body issues for the longest time. Because you just read all of this stuff, you research it, you draw up a list of 'rules' and plans and then you just collapse underneath the stress of it all. And you're back to Square One.

So, please go easy on yourself. Start small. Start with breakfast. Endeavour to eat breakfast next week, and everything else is irrelevant. Whether it's cereal or a couple of boiled eggs or a handful of nuts or even a banana - try to get into the habit of it for a week and go from there.

There may be aspects of this dietician's advice and prescription that doesn't work for you. And that's fine. It might be an idea to tell her that your getting overwhelmed is a major deterrent to changing your ways. Tell him/her about your supermarket attempts that fail to come into fruition. Tell him/her that you'd like to do this gradually because you're committed to better health but you want it to be long-term, not overnight.

Best of luck. I think you'll have a brighter path ahead x

LegacyUser · 30-11-2015 10:30am

On the starting small issue, OP, get a kids cookery book! Seriously. I'm a fairly ok cook. I'm not great, I don't have a flare for it. I have a few cookery books and have never made anything out of any of them. Ever. Even Jamie Oliver's "simple" stuff seems a bit daunting when you're reading ingredients and step-by-step methods. Kids' cookery books are really simple. The ingredients, the instructions, and the end product.

I learned how to make Cornish Pasties from 'Big Cook, Little Cook' on CBeebies a few years ago!

allandanyways · 30-11-2015 12:35pm

OP, I really feel for you and totally understand where you're coming from - food issues are something that affect my whole family because my mam was way too soft on us when it came to food when we were little. If we didn't like something, we just left it on the plate and she'd never say anything about it.

I didn't eat anything but chicken and potatoes (read: snackboxes!) until I was about 14, and then I took Home Ec and learned the basics, but even then, until I was about 18, I stuck religiously to the same foods all the time and if for whatever reason, I couldn't cook them/get them, I'd just eat pringles and chocolate and other rubbish.

I've slowly garnered a love for cooking over the last few years since hitting my 20s, and since eating my first green vegetable 4 years ago (seriously, like), the list of things I won't eat is now very short. I watch loads of cooking programs, and I take real pleasure in cooking now, but it has been something I've practiced at and gotten frustrated with, and had weeks of just eating either toast or takeaway for dinner and then feeling like crap.

Striving to eat clean/paleo/#irishfitfam all week when you have issues with food is really, really hard. Like, ridiculously hard and it is my opinion that the people who do that have levels of motivation beyond what I can comprehend that they genuinely enjoy eating super clean, or they do it out of sheer willpower and determination and are dreaming of carbs all day (large generalisation, I know). The first step to changing eating habits is to be realistic.

There's a great quote I think of often, and it's especially applicable here:
"You don't need to have talent to practice"

One thing I found really motivated me when cooking was making homemade versions of my favourite takeaways - I think the first dinner I didn't burn/make toxic was chicken satay noodles

and just last Friday, I made a homemade version of shredded chilli chicken and singapore noodles for friends - it just takes time and patience (two things I don't have the best grasp of!).

Don't beat yourself up for takeaways and that - takeaway food is delish, and it's so handy and it becomes a habit waaay too easily. I still have a takeaway once a week, but it's now a treat to look forward to rather than a necessity because I was tired/hormonal/had a bad day etc. Small changes

If you want to pop me a PM, I'd be happy to give you a few easy recipes and share the basics with you. The fact that you can realise that you do want to eat better and you do want to change your ways is a huge step. Once you try your hand at a few easy recipes, you'll see how cooking can be a pleasure, I promise

Clearlier · 30-11-2015 1:05pm

I'm not sure that you have got psychological issues around food just around your ability to prepare it. It sounds like you're a little bit paralysed by your lack of experience of cooking. The first thing to do is to start eating a bit healthier. Take away isn't the end of the world - it's a lot better than endless sweets and chocolate - but you can start making a meal or two with a minimum of fuss.

You might want to consider buying a couple of ready meals that you can chuck in the oven. M&S do some reasonable ones. It's not cooking exactly but just using the oven is a step in the right direction.

To get some vegetables into your diet consider frozen vegetables (they're actually pretty nutritious). You can get microwaveable packets of vegetables that you just put in the microwave for 3 mins. Add that to your dinner and you've got a healthier diet already. When you feel a little more adventurous you could buy a bag of frozen peas.

How to cook peas:

- put some water in a pan,
- wait until it's boiling
- pour in the peas
- when the peas start rising to the top turn off the hob and pour the peas and water through a colander or sieve.

How to cook pasta and pesto:
Pasta and pesto is another incredibly simple meal to prepare. You
- put some water in a pan,
- wait until it's boiling
- pour in the pasta (about a quarter of a bag for most people but experiment until you know the right amount for you).
- wait 10 mins (or however long it says on the bag)
- turn off the hob
- strain the pasta into a colander or sieve
- put the pasta back into the pot
- Spoon the pesto into the pasta and stir
Add a bag of microwaveable vegetables and grate some cheese over it if you like and you've cooked a meal for yourself.

Once you've done the above you can vary it very simply by switching in pasta sauces instead of pesto, then maybe add in a herb or spice to see how you like it. Once you get used to the physical act of cooking and get into a routine of preparing meals you can start expanding your repertoire. Cooking classes are a great idea but make sure that they're for total beginners. There's not much point in learning how to make a beef wellington if you can't boil an egg.

Good luck and stick at it - you will get there!

Completely ashamed of my appalling eating habits!

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