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How to deal with unwanted flirting

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    #32
    mitosis
    Registered Users Posts: 2,000 ✭✭✭mitosis


    Sexual harassment pure and simple. Start recording times and dates, tell her you are not happy with her behaviour. Prepare to make an official complaint to her best friend.


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    #33
    batistuta9
    Registered Users Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭batistuta9


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    Does it matter? Serious or not, he's not interested and the continued harassment is not welcome.

    If thats the only reason he hasn't slept with the woman then it matters

    I think from the way it sounds, the woman knows she's attractive/the OP thinks she attractive. This is why she's keeping it up

    But like you say the harassment isn't welcome


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    #34
    Bigdeadlydave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 611 ✭✭✭Bigdeadlydave


    Thanks for all the advice everyone, I had thought about pretending I had a girlfriend but I doubt I could keep that pretense up, she' friends with me on facebook etc (when I started working there everyone added me, felt it would be rude to refuse, schoolboy error in hindsight) plus I don't want the hassle of making up all those lies.

    Anyways I think I sorted it... a bit. I took her aside this morning and (bluntly) told her I wasn't interested, to leave me alone and stop wasting her time. She started crying and gong on about how the last couple of boyfriends treated her (badly) and how I was not like them etc. Had a moment were I felt like telling her to fcuk off but ended up comforting her to try and get her to stop blubbing before anyone saw, otherwise I would be the bad guy.

    I think she got the message but I hope I didn't cancel it out by comforting her. Looking back on it she stopped crying very quickly (thankfully) so I wonder if she put it on.

    Head = wrecked.

    I'll see how it goes next week, if it doesn't stop I'll get onto the union official who I know will force the boss to do something about it.


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    #35
    Zombrex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    You need to take this very seriously.

    Hopefully it will not get worse, but you never know. You need to protect yourself.

    First thing you should do is start recording every that she has done. I mean everything.

    The second thing you need to do is talk to your HR officer.

    You need to protect yourself if she decides, out of embarrassment or anger, makes a reverse calm against you. You need to be able to show that she was doing it first and you have been public about it to the HR officer. The worst thing that could happen is she makes a claim against you and all you can do is say she started it first, which might just sound like an excuse.

    The fact that she didn't taken the hint originally is also worrying. She clearly has issues and is probably locked in some sort of delusion about getting together with you. Subtle hints didn't work, and I wouldn't be surprised if what you did earlier won't work either. She needs a sharp jar to shake her back to reality which might only come as a formal warning from HR.

    Even if you think it is done still talk to HR. You can explain what happened and HR should keep it confidential. You don't have to ask them to do anything if you want to give what you did time to work. But (and this is the important bit) you need HR to be aware of what happened.


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    #36
    EvanCornwallis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 201 ✭✭EvanCornwallis


    Just man up and deal with it in which ever way you see fit. You dont want to take things furthers, so simply make this crystal clear to her. Spell out what will happen if she keeps up her behaviour, that you feel to be harrassment.

    I must say though, From experience older women are the best , but I understand from reading your post its a small office and would turn pretty sour.


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    #37
    SpaceTime
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,088 ✭✭✭SpaceTime


    I'd just explain to her that perhaps there's a misunderstanding of some sort and that you'd appreciate if she stopped flirting with you that it's making you uncomfortable and that it's not appropriate in the workplace.

    Just say, maybe we have 'crossed wires' or something but that you're not available and you don't really want to create a messy workplace situation and that you hope it does not cause any further issues and just leave it at that.

    If she continues, it's basically sexual harassment and should be dealt with as such. You don't have to put up with stuff like that at work.


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    #38
    --Kaiser--
    Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    I think it's easier to deal with unwanted flirting from people you work with and don't know that well. It's much harder when they're your friends and you've known them for years


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    #39
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    EvanCornwallis wrote: »
    Just man up and deal with it in which ever way you see fit. You dont want to take things furthers, so simply make this crystal clear to her. Spell out what will happen if she keeps up her behaviour, that you feel to be harrassment.
    And he should be sure to update his CV once he's done that.

    She's harassing him, regardless of whether she's aware of this or not. However, she's also best friends with the boss, it's a small company and as a guy he's going to have a much harder time perusing a harassment case, if it came to that; so if the immediate fallout is that the atmosphere in work takes a nosedive, there's no prizes for guessing who is likely to be squeezed out.

    So he can 'man up' (most stupid expression in the English language, TBH) and likely suffer the above or he can first try defusing the situation more diplomatically (suggestions have been given here), then up the ante and start talking harassment if that fails to do the trick and he has no other option.


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    #40
    the_barfly1
    Registered Users Posts: 578 ✭✭✭the_barfly1


    nobody stopped to think that maybe this lady is just having a laugh at the op's expense? Wouldn't be the first time i've seen it
    She probably has no interest in doing the no pants dance at all.
    OP is pretty young and if the workplace demographic is similar to the lady in question then its very possible that this makes for riveting conversation in the canteen!


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    #41
    Rev Hellfire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,346 ✭✭✭Rev Hellfire


    the_barfly1 wrote: »
    nobody stopped to think that maybe this lady is just having a laugh at the op's expense? Wouldn't be the first time i've seen it
    She probably has no interest in doing the no pants dance at all.
    OP is pretty young and if the workplace demographic is similar to the lady in question then its very possible that this makes for riveting conversation in the canteen!

    Ah that changes everything, sure he's only being harassed in work then.


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    #42
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    the_barfly1 wrote: »
    nobody stopped to think that maybe this lady is just having a laugh at the op's expense?
    I'm pretty sure that "ah sure, t'was just a bit of harmless fun" isn't a valid defence where it comes to sexual harassment.


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    #43
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Zombrex wrote: »
    But (and this is the important bit) you need HR to be aware of what happened.
    Also, be sure to let HR know that you consider it harassment, before she complains that you are dropping hints to her, and hope she hasn't done so already.


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    #44
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,239 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    OP, if your colleagues are aware of the situation, what's wrong with a firm and audible 'cut that out' the next time she harasses you? If you don't want the attention, let her know. You don't have to explain yourself. You get on with your job. Let her deal with the embarrassment.


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    #45
    the_barfly1
    Registered Users Posts: 578 ✭✭✭the_barfly1


    Rev Hellfire wrote: »
    Ah that changes everything, sure he's only being harassed in work then.

    It might not be so common for office workers, but having the mickey taken out of you is pretty much a rite of passage for young fellas starting new jobs in this country.
    Just wondering if OP has had a proper job before? Maybe he's blowing things out of proportion in his own mind?

    And I don't think anybody's mentioned it - but if she is annoying you THAT much, stop pussyfooting about with all the niceties and just tell her to fcuk off for gods sake. Not a chance she'll misinterpret that for anything else.

    *sigh*


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    #46
    Rev Hellfire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,346 ✭✭✭Rev Hellfire


    the_barfly1 wrote: »
    And I don't think anybody's mentioned it - but if she is annoying you THAT much, stop pussyfooting about with all the niceties and just tell her to fcuk off for gods sake. Not a chance she'll misinterpret that for anything else.
    We're assuming he's 'pussyfooting about with all the niceties' since he's hoping to keep his job.

    Neither the woman's behaviour or telling your co-workers to fcuk off is acceptable behaviour in any office I've ever worked in.


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    #47
    the_barfly1
    Registered Users Posts: 578 ✭✭✭the_barfly1


    Rev Hellfire wrote: »
    We're assuming he's 'pussyfooting about with all the niceties' since he's hoping to keep his job.

    Neither the woman's behaviour or telling your co-workers to fcuk off is acceptable behaviour in any office I've ever worked in.

    if he's being harrassed then i don't think a little bit of french is going to cost him his job...


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    #48
    Esoteric_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    the_barfly1 wrote: »
    if he's being harrassed then i don't think a little bit of french is going to cost him his job...

    It could very easily be turned around on him to make him look to be the one harassing her.


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    #49
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,239 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    It could very easily be turned around on him to make him look to be the one harassing her.

    Besides which, why should he have to compromise his own professional standards?


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    #50
    Esoteric_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    endacl wrote: »
    Besides which, why should he have to compromise his own professional standards?

    Absolutely. I was sexually harassed in work, until I was eventually sexually assaulted (management did nothing about my complaints, which is why I told the OP in a previous post to document everything), and I bit my tongue rather than swear at them.

    By losing your professionalism, even for a few moments, the perpetrator is winning.

    OP, if I'm being blunt - what you did sounds like it could land you in a whole heap of shít if you do it again. She cried. I'm sure you didn't make her cry, but if she's seen crying, do you know how easy it'd be to blame you? I may be female, but I know full well that women are believed in harassment cases a lot more than men are. She could so, so easily make this out to be you harassing her, so please don't approach her again. Document everything and go to HR, for your own sake. There is no easy way out of this.


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    #51
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Bigdeadlydave wrote: »
    She started crying and gong on about how the last couple of boyfriends treated her (badly) and how I was not like them etc. Had a moment were I felt like telling her to fcuk off but ended up comforting her to try and get her to stop blubbing before anyone saw, otherwise I would be the bad guy.
    F**k next week. Tomorrow, goto HR, and tell them what is happening.

    Otherwise it goes one of three ways;
    • She keeps pestering you
    • She goes to HR, makes you out to be the bad guy (if she hasn't already done so), and keeps pestering you with complete and total immunity...
    • You lose your job over sexual harassment, and you'll be labelled damaged goods


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    #52
    Bigdeadlydave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 611 ✭✭✭Bigdeadlydave


    She hasn't been in this week, and I'm not working today or tomorrow so I haven't seen her since.

    Thing is that its a real small place only ten of us, and a few of these are part time. I'm also only temp (this is the second time they have had me and I've been told I will be made permanent) so I reckon if I make any big deal out of it I won't be made permanent.

    Although a place I applied to ages ago has rung me up and offered me a position (a permanent one!), this is a bigger and more prestigious company, I'm meeting them on monday to discuss it but if the money is ok I'll be taking it :)


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    #53
    donutheadhomer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,658 ✭✭✭donutheadhomer


    HansHolzel wrote: »
    Eat plenty of garlic and onions. Your breath should keep her away. It's an old Robert Mitchum stunt.

    i thought he is famed for enjoying the company of women


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    #54
    ToxicPaddy
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,764 Mod ✭✭✭✭ToxicPaddy


    Bigdeadlydave wrote: »
    She hasn't been in this week, and I'm not working today or tomorrow so I haven't seen her since.

    Thing is that its a real small place only ten of us, and a few of these are part time. I'm also only temp (this is the second time they have had me and I've been told I will be made permanent) so I reckon if I make any big deal out of it I won't be made permanent.

    Although a place I applied to ages ago has rung me up and offered me a position (a permanent one!), this is a bigger and more prestigious company, I'm meeting them on monday to discuss it but if the money is ok I'll be taking it :)

    Best of luck with the discussions on Monday OP.

    Do you know if you'll be getting an exit interview? If so, it might be worth mentioning that what has been going on. You probably don't need to go into the full details but just mention the unwanted attention, the fact that you were made feel very uncomfortable and also felt that the main reasons you didn't approach anyone about it was the fact that you felt you may not have be believed and it may have threatened your future with the company.

    If nothing else it may open their eyes to the situation and if the problem does arise in the future with someone else having the same problems with this individual then they may be more open to believing whoever is her new target.


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    #55
    Daveysil15
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,301 ✭✭✭Daveysil15


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbDlHW5aAC0


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    #56
    HansHolzel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 996 ✭✭✭HansHolzel


    EurasianBadger wrote: »
    i thought he is famed for enjoying the company of women

    He did it to Rita Hayworth for some reason.


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    #57
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    the_barfly1 wrote: »
    nobody stopped to think that maybe this lady is just having a laugh at the op's expense? Wouldn't be the first time i've seen it
    She probably has no interest in doing the no pants dance at all.
    OP is pretty young and if the workplace demographic is similar to the lady in question then its very possible that this makes for riveting conversation in the canteen!

    so if the roles were reversed and the OP was a man in their 30s with a woman in their 20s, would you still have that attitude?


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