Take care of yourself! Off topic thread

looksee · 22-12-2014 9:53am #1

Sit down, have a cup of tea and take five minutes for yourself. I'd like to ask have you got your Christmas shopping done, but that might lead to increased stress levels

So I will say 'hi' as the returned mod (no fatted calf?) and hope that you have a peaceful / exciting (whichever you prefer) Christmas and a healthy, happy and prosperous new year!

Throw your random chat in here and lets get to know each other a bit.

Frito · 27-12-2014 10:18pm

We did have a fatted calf ready for the return of the prodigal mod, but at the last minute the care agency we booked to help trim it rang to say they couldn't cover the call as two carers had rung in sick so close to Christmas and could we manage ourselves this time?

Didnt see much of Christmas day what with cooking etc, but at least none of mine got sick! couple of blocked catheters, but all in all fairly quiet.

Had a nice lunch out on Stephen's day.

looksee · 25-01-2015 2:24pm

No-one around?

I got a nice couple of days off last week, trip to Dublin.

The gremlins were at it though. The central heating boiler started acting up and the boiler-fixer arrived the morning I was to leave. He dismantled the boiler (in the utility) and suddenly everywhere was covered in soot! Apparently a previous plumber had changed the settings a month before and messed it up. So I had a lovely weekend away, and stand-in carer made a noble effort to clean up the worst of it, but since coming back have finally just got rid of the remaining traces of nasty greasy soot. :eek:

janmaree · 27-01-2015 4:29pm

Hi looksee and frito, hope you're both sorted at this stage! I think it can be quite difficult for people to find this section now so I don't think they're not around, I think they're lost!!!

After nearly a decade of caring for my Dad at home, he has had to go into a NH and I don't know what's hit me! Of course, it's about him, not me, but I would advise carers to have a serious think about "afterwards". Especially if you're getting on a bit yourself because there's no way any carer can put together a pension/retirement plan if they've been caring for years. Have a think about going on jobseekers when you've hit 60, you're broke and broken and you suddenly find yourself having to reinvent yourself and start from scratch in times like these!

The upside is that Dad is comfortable, being extremely well cared for in a gentle, respectful and kind atmosphere. I hate the mess I find myself in but I say prayers of thanks every day that he is comfortable and accepting of where he is now.

I hope I didn't bring down the mood too much but you worry about something that you can't do anything about and then when the time comes, you find that you really didn't worry enough!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

looksee · 27-01-2015 5:16pm

Hi Janmaree, you could be right about people being lost! I keep promising to make a - um thingy that goes on the end of each post, senior moment, I have forgotten what it is called :-) to point people at the site. I will do it!

Meanwhile, please do post about how things are going with you if you feel like it, at least here we know what being a carer entails. For some it is more demanding than others, but at any stage it is something that now and again you have to have a little light relief from, or let off some steam, and this is the place to do it. Take care and use your time for yourself now, you have earned it! Even if the work situation is not good get out and about and find some things to interest you. They don't have to be expensive, just a bit of company and interest now and again.

Taltos · 27-01-2015 6:19pm

Signature <sigh>
I might be shocking with names but tech I still get

Maybe you could ask the admins for a front page announcement? Doubtful but maybe???

looksee · 27-01-2015 6:51pm

Taltos wrote: »

Signature <sigh>
I might be shocking with names but tech I still get

Maybe you could ask the admins for a front page announcement? Doubtful but maybe???

Ah now Taltos, you are taking this senior moment thing too seriously. I remembered the name as soon as I had posted...of course

I will do the sig thing, eventually...

Myrddin · 28-01-2015 10:10pm

Taltos wrote: »

Signature <sigh>
I might be shocking with names but tech I still get

Maybe you could ask the admins for a front page announcement? Doubtful but maybe???

I wonder if a brief Soc cat-wide announcement might help a tad? As in just to inform users of the new structure etc

looksee · 28-01-2015 10:54pm

No harm in letting people know we are here!

Frito · 30-01-2015 11:45pm

Hey folks.

Wow Jan, what an upheaval. Have you FiguredOutTheRestOfYourLife or still taking some deep breaths?

I'm trying to complete an application form for a local college. Fancy a career change.

Frito · 07-04-2015 12:04am

So I applied for the course and had an interview, just waiting to hear now.

Fingers crossed.

looksee · 07-04-2015 7:57am

Good luck with that Frito!

janmaree · 07-04-2015 10:20am

I second that, hope it goes well for you.

Frito · 07-04-2015 10:13pm

Thanks to you both.

Jan, how is the NH working out for you and your dad?

janmaree · 12-04-2015 12:37pm

Hi Frito, sorry for the delay in replying. The NH is great, they honestly couldn't do enough for us, even to the extent of facilitating a couple of family occasions recently. Maybe this is standard but we were very touched by their efforts. Dad is failing, slowly, but that's Parkinsons for you I guess. He still manages to shine through it occasionally by trying to kid around. It's so sweet but sadly overwhelming at the same time. Nobody ever suggested to me that I could expect this but rather than the "huge relief" and "much easier life" that it seems I should be enjoying now, I actually feel bereaved. I look at his empty chair or walk past his bedroom door and am overcome by feelings of sadness and loss. I guess I'm a fool and shouldn't be surprised by this but there it is. I really hope it's just me but I'm sharing as in "a word to the wise".

I'm delighted to know that you're making progress on the course front, I really hope that it works out for you and that you enjoy every moment of it! Please keep us posted? J.

Frito · 14-04-2015 10:17pm

A bit like empty nest syndrome but for the wrong reasons? Thats how I imagine not having to look after mam would feel like.

Frito · 20-06-2015 11:06pm

I got my course and starting college next academic year.

How you doing now Jan?

janmaree · 24-06-2015 12:58pm

That's wonderful news, Frito. I'm so glad for you and wish you everything that's good, you deserve it.

I'm hanging in there for now, thanks, very kind of you to ask. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going for you? J.

jadegreen · 06-10-2015 2:21am

janmaree wrote: »

Hi Frito, sorry for the delay in replying. The NH is great, they honestly couldn't do enough for us, even to the extent of facilitating a couple of family occasions recently. Maybe this is standard but we were very touched by their efforts. Dad is failing, slowly, but that's Parkinsons for you I guess. He still manages to shine through it occasionally by trying to kid around. It's so sweet but sadly overwhelming at the same time. Nobody ever suggested to me that I could expect this but rather than the "huge relief" and "much easier life" that it seems I should be enjoying now, I actually feel bereaved. I look at his empty chair or walk past his bedroom door and am overcome by feelings of sadness and loss. I guess I'm a fool and shouldn't be surprised by this but there it is. I really hope it's just me but I'm sharing as in "a word to the wise".

I'm delighted to know that you're making progress on the course front, I really hope that it works out for you and that you enjoy every moment of it! Please keep us posted? J.

I would imagine what you are feeling is completely normal. you see your Dad declining and of course that's sad and tough to deal with, plus you lost your job, caring for him absorbed so much of your time you probably did not even realize it when you got set in a routine and of course there is a sense of loss now.Stop beating yourself up, you had 2 major emotional upheavals and you need to take a bit of time to get back to yourself after that.your Dad is well looked after so that's one less thing to worry about, do you have a companion animal ? they are such good company, it might be worth thinking about. Best of luck, pamper yourself you deserve it

janmaree · 06-10-2015 2:17pm

Hi Jadegreen, thank you for taking the trouble to post, it was very kind of you. I don't think though that I am beating myself up as you suggest, rather just trying to articulate some of the emotions that hit when caring for a loved one because if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that nobody venturing into the role of carer, ever really knows what's in store for them long-term or what the personal toll could end up being. Those of us who care "hands on" work under conditions that wouldn't be expected of or tolerated by anyone else and we really DO know what 24/7 means when to the rest of the world it's just a handy cliche. There's no help for when you've lifted once too often and your back goes, there's no recovery for years and years of sleep deprivation and there's no meaningful remedy for the financial train-wreck that your life becomes when your services are no longer required........by anyone, because now you're pretty much unemployable too .......and let no one think that there's a job out there for you when you've been caring because you're a lot older now and out of the workforce for a long time and broke too for all SORTS of reasons. Whenever I hear those patronising references to how much carers save "the State" by their caring efforts, I want to scream. How dare they just pat us on the head and dismiss us, all at the same time. And when you say the kind of things that I've just said...........well, there's obviously something wrong with you! I love my Dad, he was my hero and despite the fact that he withheld affection and approval in all ways, I accepted the role of being his carer when my Mum died and no one else was available. What I did not realise at the time was that caring for his life was ultimately going to cost me mine. It's quite an outcome for loving someone!

Jadegreen, I'm sorry for the rant, I'll bet you wish you hadn't bothered now! I don't mean to be negative and I do realise that caring can be quite different for other people. I just have trouble accepting that I'm now a worthless waste of space of damn all use to anyone. I'd love to have a companion animal as you suggest as our little dog passed away this summer after nearly 17 years and took my broken heart with her but the reality is that I can't replace her when I can't afford veterinary care. I'd really love to take a rescue dog but nobody would approve me for an adoption as I'd have to fence in over an acre and that takes big money which I don't have.

I really apologise for coming across as a grouch, it never used to be my way but things have changed me and I don't know the way back.

CiDeRmAn · 11-10-2015 4:38pm

Is there any chance you could get involved in voluntary caring work, at least to start with?
While there a great many things that the under resourced at home carer submits themselves to, like lifting people without a hoist, in the voluntary environment you wouldn't be expected to do such things, instead being asked to assist with everyday things, being a companion and so on.
And, if you can take the time to complete the likes of the QQI Level 5 qualification in healthcare, you could use this and move into an arena where you can make a living, have colleagues and so on.
Without being patronising, the truth is your lifes work so far has given you experience that would make you a great resource for any company providing such care.
It's something you should at least consider, no one writes off people such as yourself who have worked so hard and so selflessly for years, and you now have a skillset of considerable value.
The aforementioned QQI Lv5 is not age dependent, you can get Basic Life Support certified as well, perhaps get the Manual Handling course done, Garda vetting is usually a prerequisite in these times as well, and you'll walk into a caring role that pays.

Here's a college, The Open College link and they offer the relevant Fetac/QQI courses and also have funding provided for jobseekers, worth looking into.
Here's their Healthcare courses link

Just a suggestion from someone who has worked in the caring field for some 25 years, now a Clinical Nurse Manager.

looksee · 11-10-2015 5:57pm

I agree with Ciderman. My sister cared for our mother for 10 years after she had a stroke and subsequently a number of other illnesses. Mum wanted to stay at home, and indeed she did die at home, very peacefully, and my sister had done a wonderful job of caring for her. By the end of the ten years my sister was pretty much an expert in finding her way through the minefield of carers, care agencies, NHS (this was in the UK) regulations, not to mention understanding the issues of aphsia (being unable to speak coherently) and stroke. At the moment she is catching up with her own life, but she had been asked by a stroke group if she would engage with them in improving such things as care for stroke victims, and she may in due course take this on. She is not looking for employment, but if she were, she has valuable skills in this area, as I am sure you have janmaree.

Do be aware that you are very low at the moment, the way you are seeing things does not have to be the way things actually are. I know that feeling very well. The best advice is, keep fighting. Keep looking upwards and do things. Little things to start with, find a social group - maybe a knit and natter group in the local library if you are into crafty things. You will find that just going out can have results. You are not useless, but i understand how you feel that you are - be nice to yourself, but go out and find little things to give you a sense of satisfaction. It does not have to cost you money - but go out and meet people, if only in passing. Look for talks and meetings and voluntary activities while you are figuring out what to do next, contacts are vital, and your circle will widen. Good luck, and keep posting on here

janmaree · 17-10-2015 5:11pm

I've been without phones and broadband for over a week, only restored yesterday so, my sincere apologies for not responding before this. Would you believe that this morning, the first day having a landline back, I received two scam calls, both wanting to "help" me with problems that my PC has been reporting to them. BIG problems that only my credit card can fix. Boy, did they pick the wrong person this time!!!!!

I can't tell you all how much it means to me, reading your posts with your kind words and advice. I really didn't mean to hijack this thread, it's more like there's a little black cloud overhead, it's following me around and shutting out the light, combine that with isolation and grief....... well. I will look at the links you posted Ciderman, and thank you for sharing. Thank you too, Looksee, your advice is sound and both of you are very, very kind. I can't believe that you both took so much trouble over a stranger, and a grumpy one at that. :)J.

looksee · 17-10-2015 8:53pm

Janmaree, you have not hijacked the thread, I am really glad that you have been posting, it may encourage other people to post. As for grumpy strangers, I am an expert there, being the grumpy stranger I mean! And it is much easier to solve someone else's problems than sort your own

CiDeRmAn · 19-10-2015 6:25pm

janmaree wrote: »

I've been without phones and broadband for over a week, only restored yesterday so, my sincere apologies for not responding before this. Would you believe that this morning, the first day having a landline back, I received two scam calls, both wanting to "help" me with problems that my PC has been reporting to them. BIG problems that only my credit card can fix. Boy, did they pick the wrong person this time!!!!!

I can't tell you all how much it means to me, reading your posts with your kind words and advice. I really didn't mean to hijack this thread, it's more like there's a little black cloud overhead, it's following me around and shutting out the light, combine that with isolation and grief....... well. I will look at the links you posted Ciderman, and thank you for sharing. Thank you too, Looksee, your advice is sound and both of you are very, very kind. I can't believe that you both took so much trouble over a stranger, and a grumpy one at that. :)J.

The best way to find a solution to your troubles is to discuss them with people who might have some answers.
Even if they don't, the very expression of your troubles can help release at least a little of their burden upon you.
I'm pretty sure that just talking, or typing, about them, to people genuinely interested in hearing and reading them, is cathartic in and of itself, and can be a step on the pathway to finding your own solutions.
The type of work you have done, albeit out of love, is priceless and brave.
It's important that this is recognised, and we recognise it here, if that has any value.
And, going forward, it has armed you with a set of skills that are invaluable as a resource of advice for people who find themselves in similar situations.

janmaree · 26-10-2015 12:38pm

Thanks so much for your messages, it means a great deal to me, I hope you know that. J.

Daenarys · 03-03-2016 5:58pm

........

looksee · 06-03-2016 11:54am

Hi, Daenarys, I saw your post before you removed it; I am sorry I did not reply but I had a caring crisis myself this week and I have been both rushing around and completely exhausted all week, so I did not feel I could write a useful and coherent post.

I won't go into any detail since you have removed your post, but please believe me that everything you posted is perfectly normal, and at the same time difficult to deal with. Also, only people who have been carers truly understand the pressures but any one who has not been a carer and feels free to criticise should not be listened to. Just don't go there, you are wasting your energy.

All the best, and if you feel like posting again I will do my best to respond; this does tend to be a fairly quiet forum.

CiDeRmAn · 08-03-2016 9:10am

100% agree with Look-see.
I work in the caring field professionally and have had to care for loved ones as well and no one is immune to crisis and self doubt.
It is the mark of a good carer that we reflect upon what we do and how we perform.
And it's also human to feel frustrated with our lot when it the burden gets seemingly insurmountable.
But talking to people helps, it may not be capable of reducing the work that needs to be done but, for me at least, it has always aided me in reframing it all and I can cope.

Shop talk, talking to folk of troubles with my work as a carer, can really get some people down, good people I'll stress, they just don't have a concept of it, and so I tend to avoid direct discussion with them, but I would let them know when I'm tired or had a rough day, those are concepts they can handle.

Carers in the home do amazing work, have no doubt about it. They work so hard, without respite themselves, and in difficult circumstances, often with someone who is incapable of showing gratitude or kindness. And there are few words of comfort there, aside from saying you're not alone.

So we are here, this forum is here and this thread is here.
You can share as much or as little as you like, no judgement whatsoever.
Just know that many have been where you are and survived to tell the tale. And let us help and support you in any way we can.

Daenarys · 07-04-2016 6:39pm

looksee wrote: »

Hi, Daenarys, I saw your post before you removed it; I am sorry I did not reply but I had a caring crisis myself this week and I have been both rushing around and completely exhausted all week, so I did not feel I could write a useful and coherent post.

I won't go into any detail since you have removed your post, but please believe me that everything you posted is perfectly normal, and at the same time difficult to deal with. Also, only people who have been carers truly understand the pressures but any one who has not been a carer and feels free to criticise should not be listened to. Just don't go there, you are wasting your energy.

All the best, and if you feel like posting again I will do my best to respond; this does tend to be a fairly quiet forum.

Thanks Looksee and Ciderman. I just saw this now and thought I would update.

A week after I posted (and deleted) the person I was caring for passed away. It was a very tough that last month caring for her, out of the countless months before it but it's over and now and it has brought a whole new set of turbulent emotions with it. I hope with time this passes. I need to get my own life back on track now.

Eph1958 · 10-04-2016 10:34am

Daenarys, My sympathies on your recent sad loss. I hope with time, as the grief subsides, you will find some peace and personal satisfaction for the countless hours of selflessness you gave in your caring. Perhaps, in your new stage of life, you may find some contentment and, dare I say it?, even some happiness. Best wishes.

Eph.

Daenarys wrote: »

Thanks Looksee and Ciderman. I just saw this now and thought I would update.

A week after I posted (and deleted) the person I was caring for passed away. It was a very tough that last month caring for her, out of the countless months before it but it's over and now and it has brought a whole new set of turbulent emotions with it. I hope with time this passes. I need to get my own life back on track now.

Take care of yourself! Off topic thread

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