Getting engaged

Sturge · 27-02-2012 11:39pm #1

Been going with my girlfriend 6 years now, we are both 28. Was my intention to pop the question at some point during this year, but all hell has broke loose at the minute. She called off the whole relationship yesterday because of this reason, telling me that it was an unacceptable amount of time and not asked the question yet.
Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, if/when we sort this out, I now feel that I have been backed into a corner and forced to do it, which will annoy me forever.
I'm actually at a loss as to what I should be doing anyway, tried talking but she is having none of it!

Anyone any suggestions?!!

tinkerbell · 27-02-2012 11:57pm

OP, dear god your gf sounds nuts. 6 years and she calls off the relationship just because you hadn't proposed yet?! Had you discussed it or anything? If she's that willing to call off the relationship just like that, well it speaks volumes tbh. Is she not mature enough to talk about these things like a grown woman?

I honestly don't know what to suggest but you shouldn't be forced into proposing and she's clearly messed it all up now for you (your plan to propose) ...

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:08am

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, dear god your gf sounds nuts. 6 years and she calls off the relationship just because you hadn't proposed yet?! Had you discussed it or anything? If she's that willing to call off the relationship just like that, well it speaks volumes tbh. Is she not mature enough to talk about these things like a grown woman?

I honestly don't know what to suggest but you shouldn't be forced into proposing and she's clearly messed it all up now for you (your plan to propose) ...

Thats what I'm thinking, tells me a lot about what I could be in for in the future!! Thing is she generally isn't like that normally.
Topic has come up in conversation in the past, but nothing like this!

I'm at a stage at the minute where I don't know if I should try to work things out, or just walk away. As I said if we do work it out, it won't be the same anymore for either of us and will always be remembered and not in a good way!

LegacyUser · 28-02-2012 12:08am

Bull. All hell did not "break loose at this minute"; there's no way she'd have split up with you out of the blue yesterday without a lot of red flags in the run up to yesterday. Seriously, OP, be honest with yourself& with us, this can't have been a complete surprise, ye/she must have discussed something re an engagement at SOME point in the last year or two even?
And as for your intention to pop the question "at some point during this year"? All sounds a bit vague tbh, I think if you were really keen you would have it all planned in your head; the time, the date, the ring, ect. And if it was something you were planning to do ANYWAY, why on earth would you feel forced into a corner???

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:13am

I think OP you both need to be able to have a mature conversation about this. Her refusing to talk is ridiculous in my opinion, she sounds like a spoiled brat - honestly her reaction is way over the top and unreasonable.

If you want to work things out, it's a 2-way street, she has to apologise and realise she ruined your proposal ideas because of her stupid impatience.

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 12:15am

Crickey I hope ye have discussed the future and you havent kept her in the dark for 6 years. Why would you feel backed into a corner when you planned on proposing anyway? This sounds like a control issue to me. If you were sure you wanted to marry her and she you then why wait? Your nonchalance may have cost you the woman you love. I think she is dead right to finish a relationship that is not heading in the direction she desires.

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 12:17am

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:18am

Daisy M wrote: »

Crickey I hope ye have discussed the future and you havent kept her in the dark for 6 years. Why would you feel backed into a corner when you planned on proposing anyway? This sounds like a control issue to me. If you were sure you wanted to marry her and she you then why wait? Your nonchalance may have cost you the woman you love. I think she is dead right to finish a relationship that is not heading in the direction she desires.

Both of us knew that it was heading that direction, nothing to do with control.
The reason I fell like I'm backed into a corner is more the fact that she is demanding that I do it, which I don't really have a problem with as such, it's more the fact that any romance etc is now taken away from it of you get me?

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 12:21am

Sturge wrote: »

Thats what I'm thinking, tells me a lot about what I could be in for in the future!! Thing is she generally isn't like that normally.
Topic has come up in conversation in the past, but nothing like this!

I'm at a stage at the minute where I don't know if I should try to work things out, or just walk away. As I said if we do work it out, it won't be the same anymore for either of us and will always be remembered and not in a good way!

Are you for real? You dont love this girl if you can discard her so easy, at least she she has a valid reason. You sound so immature your not ready for marriage.

Just saw last post, if you loved her you wouldnt be worrying about the romance been taken away you would be doing all you can to get her back.

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:23am

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

Where did the OP say he planned on asking her for a year? He said he planned on proposing to her THIS year ... It's only February! And there's nothing wrong with dating for 6 years. If his gf really valued their relationship, both the OP and gf would've discussed it like mature adults rather than her throwing a hissy fit. To say she can just walk away like that makes it seem like she's not bothered either!

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:23am

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

I said it was my intention to pop the question THIS year at some point. My sister got engaged at the start of January, so that had ruled out the following weeks as it won't have been nice on her to steal her bit of limelight was my thinking? Can't undertstand how you get the impression that i don't give a crap though?

ihsb · 28-02-2012 12:24am

If you were going to propose then how has she backed you in to a corner?! Do it if you love her still! I can safely say that I would never wait six years for a proposal, I doubt I would wait six years for marriage so I kind of think she is a saint!

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:26am

Daisy M wrote: »

Are you for real? You dont love this girl if you can discard her so easy, at least she she has a valid reason. You sound so immature your not ready for marriage.

Just saw last post, if you loved her you wouldnt be worrying about the romance been taken away you would be doing all you can to get her back.

Never once did I say it would be an easy choice to walk away, I honestly think it would be the more difficult choice, but the fact she won't talk to me at the minute has got me thinking silly things as well!! I am trying, but it's like hitting a wall, going nowhere.......

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 12:26am

The romance is long gone out of it for her... A surprise proposal before it got to this level of frustration would have been romantic for her - now it's never going to be right as she had to ask for it to happen.

Was in a similar position with an ex and he spoiled the whole thing so much that I didn't feel the same about him even after we got engaged. I finished it 6 months later... Still think we would be happy now if he hadn't made such an ordeal of it all..,

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:35am

I am a friend wrote: »

The romance is long gone out of it for her... A surprise proposal before it got to this level of frustration would have been romantic for her - now it's never going to be right as she had to ask for it to happen.

Was in a similar position with an ex and he spoiled the whole thing so much that I didn't feel the same about him even after we got engaged. I finished it 6 months later... Still think we would be happy now if he hadn't made such an ordeal of it all..,

All well and good saying this now that the horse has bolted, but she didn't have to ask for it to happen, it was on the cards.:( As you have confimed, it has been spoilt now, from both sides I suppose, but I would like to put it right if possible! Just honestly can't see a way of doing it, and making it right at the same time?

Big Bag of Chips · 28-02-2012 12:36am

Has your sister been going out with her fiancé for a shorter time than you two? Maybe someone is in your gf's ear and making her come up with all sorts of ideas and thoughts.

If she's not talking to you right now, then best you can do is let things calm down a bit. She will have to talk to you eventually.

I don't think 6 years is a huge length of time, but it might be for her... and if she sees "everyone else" getting engaged, it might be enough to piss her off that much.

Talking to her, whenever you can, will be the only way to figure out what's going on between you both, and if there's any way back from this.

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:39am

Totally reasonable OP not to propose straight after your sister getting engaged. OP I don't think you're in the wrong here - you both had discussed marriage so she knew it was on the cards in the near future, it's not like you hadn't discussed it.

And I don't understand people saying she had to wait 6 years for a proposal, you were dating for 6 years, not planning an engagement for 6 years. Practically everyone I know who has gotten married / engaged have been together for at least 6 years, most of them were dating longer than that. 6 years is not unusual before getting engaged. 6 years is not that long a time.

And OP I think you've every right to be upset about the proposal / romance ruined now, it has been ruined by her drama queen antics!

I suggest give her space to get over her drama.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:41am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Has your sister been going out with her fiancé for a shorter time than you two? Maybe someone is in your gf's ear and making her come up with all sorts of ideas and thoughts.

If she's not talking to you right now, then best you can do is let things calm down a bit. She will have to talk to you eventually.

I don't think 6 years is a huge length of time, but it might be for her... and if she sees "everyone else" getting engaged, it might be enough to piss her off that much.

Talking to her, whenever you can, will be the only way to figure out what's going on between you both, and if there's any way back from this.

Sister is younger, but going out with her fella 9/10 years.
A lot of my friends are in longer relationships than me, and a few have got engaged within the past year which has set alarm bells ringing with her. I didn't think 6 years was a huge amount of time either, but everyone is different I guess!

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 3:32am

In her eyes, She will have had to break up with you to get things moving (if they do)...

It's not clear what you are asking?

IrishEyes19 · 28-02-2012 6:34am

how is the OP's gf nuts exactly? 6 years isn't a few months. If course she would believe the relationship should be progressing and Im sure its fustrating if nothing is happening. Also I dont see your point OP, about now maybe you are seeing what you are in for in the future. you've dated this woman for 6 years, have you any respect for her to actually speak about her like that. you then say you feel pushed into asking her now, but you said you intend to ask her this year anyway. contradictions all the way here.

just man up and talk to her calmly and easily. sounds like she had enough and wants some clarity right now. Just be honest with her.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 9:28am

I am a friend wrote: »

In her eyes, She will have had to break up with you to get things moving (if they do)...

It's not clear what you are asking?

To be honest I'm not sure what I'm asking either! I want to put things right, if that's possible! I know the only way to do that is to pop the question, but it will feel like it's been forced upon me if you get me? It's not that I don't want to, it's more I wish the circumstances were different? In my head I keep thinking if she'd waited another few weeks this would have been avoided, but as you have said she has had enough.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

you then say you feel pushed into asking her now, but you said you intend to ask her this year anyway. contradictions all the way here.

just man up and talk to her calmly and easily. sounds like she had enough and wants some clarity right now. Just be honest with her.

See my above comment about being "forced" into it. My wording could probably be better, expressing myself is not one of my strong points, everything comes out wrong!!! As I said it's not that I don't want to, because I do, but don't know if it will mean anything now since it has come to this?

And I would have liked to have popped the question sooner, but I lost my job just before Christmas last year, and only just getting back on my feet financially again, not that that is a great excuse, but I wanted to do things right, which has backfired on me big time now!

ronjo · 28-02-2012 9:38am

Can you sit down and talk to her about it?
Tell her you were planning on the proposing this year and you were just getting your financials sorted before doing it.

Also, in my opinion its just a botched proposal for want of a better phrase as against a lifetime together.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 9:47am

ronjo wrote: »

Can you sit down and talk to her about it?
Tell her you were planning on the proposing this year and you were just getting your financials sorted before doing it.

Also, in my opinion its just a botched proposal for want of a better phrase as against a lifetime together.

I have tried all that, but what I am getting ( and maybe rightly so?) is that I have had 6 years to do it so why come out with that now that the **** has hit the fan. I can see her point, but at the same time I would like her to see mine, which she doesn't want to accept at the minute.

ash23 · 28-02-2012 9:47am

A friend of mine ended things with her boyfriend because she felt it was going nowhere. She sat him down and said they'd been together so long and she wanted to get married and it seemed like he didn't want the same thing so they should call it a day.
They took a week or two apart and met up to talk and he said he had been planning on proposing etc and they got back together, engaged a few weeks after that and married a couple of months after that. They've a kid now.

Anyway point is, I can see why she is frustrated. She has probably been hoping you'll propose for the last 3 years and yet another Christmas and Valentines day have come and gone without a murmur. And then your sister got engaged.
So she's probably thinking it'll be another year and then you might propose and by the time you both plan a wedding she'll be 31 and then a year or so to have kids etc etc.

I'm not saying she's right but some people are happy to tick along and some prefer to know what's ahead of them. I put myself in the second bracket. And it's soul destroying to be talking to your partner about weddings and babies and then the years are ticking away without a sign of any of it actually happening.
She isn't acting too brilliantly at the moment but you've been with her for 6 years. Surely you know her by now.
If she won't talk to you write a letter or something, explaining that you were going to propose and were planning it etc.
And then get the finger out! But also explain to her that you will be doing it in your own time and don't want to tarnish it by doing it right after a fight but that you will be doing it soon.

username123 · 28-02-2012 10:06am

Sounds like neither of ye are able to communicate properly with each other.

I dont blame her being frustrated that there was no proposal after 6 years, especially as she is 28, and if she wants to have children time is probably on her mind as well.

I dont buy the business about someone else getting engaged holding you off either. Or it being about sorting the financials, youve had a number of years to have a bit put aside for that.

What was the outcome when you had discussed it in the past, were you actually open with her that it was part of the grand plan or were you acting like you didnt know when you would get round to it? Because if you knew she wanted marriage, then what were you waiting for?

Im sure she is thinking now that if she gets back with you, and engaged, that you only did it under threat, which isnt a great way to start a marriage. I dont blame her tbh, 6 years is too long to wait for a proposal, imo she would be better off moving on and finding someone who knows his own mind in relation to her and is on the same page as her - if thats what both people want from life.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 10:40am

username123 wrote: »

Sounds like neither of ye are able to communicate properly with each other.

I dont blame her being frustrated that there was no proposal after 6 years, especially as she is 28, and if she wants to have children time is probably on her mind as well.

I dont buy the business about someone else getting engaged holding you off either. Or it being about sorting the financials, youve had a number of years to have a bit put aside for that.

What was the outcome when you had discussed it in the past, were you actually open with her that it was part of the grand plan or were you acting like you didnt know when you would get round to it? Because if you knew she wanted marriage, then what were you waiting for?

Im sure she is thinking now that if she gets back with you, and engaged, that you only did it under threat, which isnt a great way to start a marriage. I dont blame her tbh, 6 years is too long to wait for a proposal, imo she would be better off moving on and finding someone who knows his own mind in relation to her and is on the same page as her - if thats what both people want from life.

Well sister only got engaged in January, I had plans made for start of February to do it, but I thought it would upset her if I went so quickly after her? Maybe I'm wrong, but I was only doing what I thought was right at the time?

When we discussed it in the past I've always agreed it would happen, never put a time on it though, which in hindsight wasn't a great idea, but my niaevity (is that a word, or spelt right?!!) meant I thought she was OK with that.

And your last point is my big fear now, yes I did and still do want to marry her, but just don't know if this is something we can come out of and be happy. I know it will always be in the back of her mind thinking, what if I didn't take this action, would we still be the same etc.......

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 10:42am

Op imagine if you had proposed to her and she told you to hang on to the ring and she would let you know when she was ready. Would that be ok with you? Lets say 6 months or a year down the line and she still hasnt said yes or no only that she does plan on marrying you at some point in the future, she just wants to find the right moment to say yes. Do you think you should just sit back and wait having no idea when the whim may take her.

I am totally shocked that people think the ops girlfriend is been a drama queen this is her life too, seriously do ye really think she should just sit back and wait for the op to decide how it moves along giving her no real indication or timeline. She probably could have reacted better but it sounds as if she is heartbroken and hurt. I doubt any of us conduct ourselves in the best way when we feel rejected.

desertcircus · 28-02-2012 10:51am

I'm sorry, but if the OP's description is accurate his girlfriend was utterly wrong. Sit down and have a talk about the future? Absolutely. Dump someone because they haven't put a ring on your finger? Way beyond acceptable conduct. If you're not happy with your relationship's failure to progress, that's absolutely fine, but dumping someone for failing to read your mind about how soon you want a ring on your finger is simply not on.

This isn't even a theoretical thing: if she'd sat down and talked with him, she'd be reassured. Hell, if he'd managed to convince her they should aim for the end of the year, she could have gotten a happy surprise in the summer. Now, though, the best they can hope for is a proposal neither party is truly happy with.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 11:03am

Daisy M wrote: »

Op imagine if you had proposed to her and she told you to hang on to the ring and she would let you know when she was ready. Would that be ok with you? Lets say 6 months or a year down the line and she still hasnt said yes or no only that she does plan on marrying you at some point in the future, she just wants to find the right moment to say yes. Do you think you should just sit back and wait having no idea when the whim may take her.

I am totally shocked that people think the ops girlfriend is been a drama queen this is her life too, seriously do ye really think she should just sit back and wait for the op to decide how it moves along giving her no real indication or timeline. She probably could have reacted better but it sounds as if she is heartbroken and hurt. I doubt any of us conduct ourselves in the best way when we feel rejected.

Thats a good way to put it!

I know what I have to do to try and put it right, but somehow I just don't think landing round to her with a ring is going to cut it at the minute! I just don't know what I can say or do to attempt to put things back on track, if there is anything at all.

silly · 28-02-2012 11:05am

I think the length of time waiting for a proposal depends on the people's age.
If you were going out with her since ye were 16, that would only make ye 22, may be a bit young to be rushing things.
Bug when you are older, in your late 20's, you are more than likely to know what you want, ready to settle down etc.

I wouldn't have waited 6 yrs to get engaged. I met my husband at 26, if we got engaged 6 yrs later, that would make me 32, and him 37, get married the following year, me 33 him 38. Knowing that we wanted kids it would be ridiculus to wait so long just to increase the risk of complications etc.

Putting off the inevitable really.

If you loved her you wouldn't see that you were being forced into it, sure you were going to do it anyway!
Grow up op.

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 11:07am

Sturge wrote: »

Thats a good way to put it!

I know what I have to do to try and put it right, but somehow I just don't think landing round to her with a ring is going to cut it at the minute! I just don't know what I can say or do to attempt to put things back on track, if there is anything at all.

Maybe show her this thread. I agree you are right not to jump in with a proposal right now. It would be a little tainted. Your first priority is to get her to talk to you, it doesnt sound as if this is going to be easy though. From what you have said she has really taken this to heart, it sounds more serious than a tantrum.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 11:09am

silly wrote: »

I
If you loved her you wouldn't see that you were being forced into it, sure you were going to do it anyway!
Grow up op.

As I said, forced is maybe the wrong wording to use, but if I do get the chance to pop the question, it won't "mean" the same to either of us. She will be thinking she had to do that to get me into action, when really that wasn't my intention.......

LegacyUser · 28-02-2012 11:17am

Relationship Issues is a good forum. But one of the oddest things about it is the way posters love to pick a bad guy. Sometimes its the other half, sometimes it's the OP. but usually on the strength of one or two posts, posters will decide "she's a drama queen" "you're controlling".

It's a pattern repeated over and over and it's bloody stupid because in the vast majority of human relationships, there are no bad guys and good guys, just people who are usually grand but occasionally act like idiots.

I think that's the case here.

OP neither of you are bad people but you have got to both calm down and TALK to each other. Nothing has been "spoiled". The vast majority of grown ups discuss marriage calmly and ongoing over the course of 6 years. "Surprise" out of the blue proposals happen in Hollywood, not in real life. In fact in real life they're often a really bad idea!

So talk to her. Tell her what you want for the future. Find out what she wants. Don't either of you get hysterical. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more that that will be that, but I suspect you'll find out she wants to be your wife. Which is what you want to, so brilliant.

And you have to keep having these conversations. Forever! You can't just cruise along thinking she can read your mind. She can't, any more than you can read hers. So start talking.

ronjo · 28-02-2012 11:27am

Sturge wrote: »

As I said, forced is maybe the wrong wording to use, but if I do get the chance to pop the question, it won't "mean" the same to either of us. She will be thinking she had to do that to get me into action, when really that wasn't my intention.......

But is the acting of popping the question so important in the big scheme of things?
Surely the fact that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together far far outweighs this.

If it is, get round there with a big bunch of flowers and get down on one knee.

LegacyUser · 28-02-2012 11:37am

You know, she at any stage could have said "Will you marry me? let's get engaged now".... as happened a friend 10 years ago who is 10 years married.

Women should "man up".

If you want a ring, take charge. Men will leave it as long as we can.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:04pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Really well said, Ronjo.

OP, I think the fact she has called it quits and you are still wondering what to do says that maybe you re not ready for the commitment at all.

Maybe now is the time to be really honest with yourself about why you have put off making the two of you the happiest people around by announcing you want to commit to each other for life.

I'm not wondering what to do as such, as I know what has to be done. I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

cynder · 28-02-2012 12:19pm

Sturge wrote: »

I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

What they used to do years ago was stand out side the girls window singing to her until she looked out the window and then he would propose.

To win her back is to make a grand gesture, how much money can you spare?

Send flowers to her daily for a week, at the end of the week get down on one knee.

Book a weekend away in Paris, or Venice, send a bunch of flowers and the ticket to her, with a message giving her the expectation that if she goes you will be getting engaged there.

Cheaper options,

Ask her father for his permission for you to ask his daughters hand in marriage and with the help of the father you can arrange a time and place you can propose to her without her knowing.

or talk to her person to person. Say all your sorrys and how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her and ask her to go talk to the local priest/church about a date to get married. (if your religious) to go visits hotels and look at the wedding venues make it look like its happening, that it feels real and there is a certainty its going ahead. that she wont be wearing a ring for another 6 years.

That is assuming of course you want to marry her.

ash23 · 28-02-2012 12:20pm

Sturge wrote: »

I'm not wondering what to do as such, as I know what has to be done. I just don't know how I am going to go about it now!

You've a few options. Write to her/email her/ call her repeatedly until she will speak to you and then explain what's been happening, get back together and propose in due course.
You could go down the cheesy romcom route either (you'll know if she's into that or not) and make a grand gesture like standing outside her bedroom window late and night with a string quartet and a dozen roses and getting down on bended knee when she opens the curtains or one of the many "romantic" notions film makers have come up with in the last few decades. Bleugh. But that might be what she's into.

Mighty_Mouse · 28-02-2012 12:23pm

You're over-thinking it.
If you want to marry her, marry her FFS.

calculator · 28-02-2012 12:35pm

Seeing as she's so desperate to get married, perhaps she might take the initiative and ask the OP tomorrow? I am struggling to see why the OP is getting such a negative response. It seems as though both OP and his girlfriend are equally guilty of poor communication and the way she's behaving at the minute hardly covers her in glory!

curlzy · 28-02-2012 12:44pm

Hey OP,

While you're here talking to us and making up your mind she's grieving your relationship.

Yeah she blew her top but that doesn't mean she didn't mean it when she called the whole thing off. She're probably spent every special day, birthdays, valentines, christmas secretly hoping that you're about to hand her a little velvet box. For all you know this really was the very last straw and it really is over now. A girl can only take so much disappointment and it sounds like she's had enough.

So while I understand that your head is a bit all over the place, I think you're being a bit thick in chatting here with us. When did she finish it? If it's more than a couple of hours I'd be very worried if I were you.

If I were you I'd get a lend of some cash, go out to a flower shop and buy a big bunch of red roses and get them delivered, write "please join me for a special dinner tonight". Then book a lovely restaurant. If you have the cash get a string quartet to play pachelbel's canon, it's a gorgeous song and I'd say your GF will love it. Then simpley get down on one knee and ask her.

Remember while you're sulking and talking to strangers and trying to justify stuff, she's moving on, moving on from the disappointment, the relationship and you.

Best of look.

EDIT: Just noticed that Ash23 said the exact same thing only added "bleugh" at the end. LOL, everyone's different I suppose but you know your girlfriend best, if she's a romantic like me then I'd say she'll love it. So yeah does she love Pretty Woman and Romcoms? If not maybe do what I said but without the string quartet.

200yrolecrank · 28-02-2012 12:47pm

ljkkll wrote: »

Bull. All hell did not "break loose at this minute"; there's no way she'd have split up with you out of the blue yesterday without a lot of red flags in the run up to yesterday. Seriously, OP, be honest with yourself& with us, this can't have been a complete surprise, ye/she must have discussed something re an engagement at SOME point in the last year or two even?
And as for your intention to pop the question "at some point during this year"? All sounds a bit vague tbh, I think if you were really keen you would have it all planned in your head; the time, the date, the ring, ect. And if it was something you were planning to do ANYWAY, why on earth would you feel forced into a corner???

Give the guy a break,what a condescending attitude to have no wonder you went anonymous or perhaps your the other half.
To the OP it won't matter a feck in a yrs time any of this,seriously man who cares if it's not like the movies how you propose to her.
What matters is do you still want to spend the rest of your life with her,is she fun,happy,a good person,honest.
If she ticks a couple if these your doing well,everyone has a bad time where they can be flippant.
My hunch is that her female counterparts are all getting engaged or walking down the isle and their pressure or peer pressure has lead to this reaction from her.
Some women are crazy beyond belief when it involves marriage weddings,I dodged a bullet with my wife who couldn't care less about the protocol or hype involved.
We did it the unconventional way and I am
glad we did as it was stress free and pressure free.

rbag · 28-02-2012 12:57pm

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

I agree.

If you feel forced, then it's clear you don't want to marry her.

Let her go.

200yrolecrank · 28-02-2012 2:22pm

Op,
Some of these posts here telling you to just leave her it's finished,we know sweet fcuk all about you and her.
You've got a pair on you just go over and ask her if she is the one you want to marry,if you have major doubts in your head then you have strung her along and time to cut the rope.
As others have said you should be telling her this stuff not us and never mind the whole asking her to marry me it's spoiled thing.
I don't think anyone has ever asked us in 3 yrs of marriage how did he propose or did we ever discuss it ourselves.
Your 28 marriage may seem like a big deal now but once the wedding day is over we felt what's the big deal about all this.
You would laugh how I proposed and our wedding I flew somewhere exotic with my fiancée 2 of her friends and my best friend,didn't have anything booked checked into a 5 star hotel,paid organised the wedding in 3 days basically 2 1hr sit downs with a wedding planner left it in her hands and we got married on a beach at 5pm with the sun blasting and on to a private reception with a free bar in our villa.
The whole thing was so sporadic and cost a fraction of the cost of one here,we all were totally relaxed no stress,if we didn't have a certain thing who cared we were on a tropical island we hand each other and our friends.
Now I know I have gone off point but I just wanted to show you it doesn't have to be like Hollywood with a trip to Paris and a surprise engagement followed by a year planning one day.

Neyite · 28-02-2012 3:09pm

Op, I'm the person your girlfriend is if she stays with you another 2 years. I am 8 years with my partner, and after 1 year we moved in together, with the understanding that it would be heading down the marriage+kids+house path.

After a year living together, we discussed marriage, he mentioned that he would like to plan a surprise proposal. That was 2006. I had hoped that my father who was sick would live to see it, he didnt. I saw couples in both families meet and marry in the time we have been together. My little sister will be married before me. If you can imagine the expectant faces I have had to endure for the last 8 years every time Christmas, birthdays, valentines, weekend aways, holidays roll around and people are looking at my left hand, and asking "Well?? Any News???"

I didnt want a fancy ring, or even any ring at all, or a fancy wedding. Him, myself and a witness in a registry office would have done me and he knew this. We have agreed to be engaged by a certain time frame so often now I have given up. The difference is that I do love him, and while its something I have wanted, its not something that is the be all and end all for me, and I decided that the issue of a piece of paper is not worth losing the love of my life over, and have gotten used to the fact we will never be married. Some may say why didnt I ask, but its clear he is not really interested, so I'm not going to force him into a lifelong legal partnership if he is not wholly on board with it.

Its too late for a nice romantic proposal now, after tears have been shed by your girlfriend. Anytime she looks at the ring from here on in she will remember she had to dump you to force your hand and thats not very romantic, is it?

Its a f*cking question. Ask it or let her go.

Lorna123 · 28-02-2012 3:20pm

Sturge wrote: »

Been going with my girlfriend 6 years now, we are both 28. Was my intention to pop the question at some point during this year, but all hell has broke loose at the minute. She called off the whole relationship yesterday because of this reason, telling me that it was an unacceptable amount of time and not asked the question yet.
Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, if/when we sort this out, I now feel that I have been backed into a corner and forced to do it, which will annoy me forever.
I'm actually at a loss as to what I should be doing anyway, tried talking but she is having none of it!

Anyone any suggestions?!!

I can see where you are coming from Sturge, and I actually do not think that six years is that long considering your age. This is what I think, for what it is worth. Your g/f is frustrated that she has waited so long for this special moment. So she is miffed that she had to bring this up, feels embarrassed about it and now it is all spoiled for her. You are miffed because you were going to propose this year and now you feel done out of the special moment and so now it is spoiled for you too. So as far as I can see you are both disappointed with the whole thing. The surprise element is gone and I don't think you can get that back at this stage. I am sure that neither of you want the relationship to break up because of this and if she feels that she wants to break up then there is more to it.

What I would do now is get in touch with her and just say that you are sorry that it has all come to this, blame yourself for waiting too long if you like, just to take the harm out of it, and tell her that if she wants to get engaged next Saturday that this is okay with you and see what she says.
Best of Luck.

cynder · 28-02-2012 4:24pm

Neyite wrote: »

Op, I'm the person your girlfriend is if she stays with you another 2 years. I am 8 years with my partner, and after 1 year we moved in together, with the understanding that it would be heading down the marriage+kids+house path.

After a year living together, we discussed marriage, he mentioned that he would like to plan a surprise proposal. That was 2006. I had hoped that my father who was sick would live to see it, he didnt. I saw couples in both families meet and marry in the time we have been together. My little sister will be married before me. If you can imagine the expectant faces I have had to endure for the last 8 years every time Christmas, birthdays, valentines, weekend aways, holidays roll around and people are looking at my left hand, and asking "Well?? Any News???"

I didnt want a fancy ring, or even any ring at all, or a fancy wedding. Him, myself and a witness in a registry office would have done me and he knew this. We have agreed to be engaged by a certain time frame so often now I have given up. The difference is that I do love him, and while its something I have wanted, its not something that is the be all and end all for me, and I decided that the issue of a piece of paper is not worth losing the love of my life over, and have gotten used to the fact we will never be married. Some may say why didnt I ask, but its clear he is not really interested, so I'm not going to force him into a lifelong legal partnership if he is not wholly on board with it.

Its too late for a nice romantic proposal now, after tears have been shed by your girlfriend. Anytime she looks at the ring from here on in she will remember she had to dump you to force your hand and thats not very romantic, is it?

Its a f*cking question. Ask it or let her go.

I was also that person, but I was with my guy for 10 years I asked him to marry me when he found a lump, that turned out to be cancer. We got married after the chemo was finished. I knew he wasn't too keen on marriage as his 2 sisters were divorced. So I never pushed it.

But I dont think it's too late for a romantic proposal.

Neyite · 28-02-2012 5:09pm

grindelwald wrote: »

I was also that person, but I was with my guy for 10 years I asked him to marry me when he found a lump, that turned out to be cancer. We got married after the chemo was finished. I knew he wasn't too keen on marriage as his 2 sisters were divorced. So I never pushed it.

But I dont think it's too late for a romantic proposal.

Probably not. But for the OP - its damage control at this stage.

As for me, I've made my peace with staying unmarried and I am genuinely happy with or without a ring on my finger. It was the expectation that it would happen, not just by me but by everybody in both families that wrecked my head. Being able to transfer tax credits would be handy though!

analucija · 28-02-2012 5:40pm

I'm engaged six years and neither of us is actually talking about getting married. We just couldn't be bothered. For what is worth we were on holiday in Florence and we went to see the main bridge. I was there before but I completely forgot that it is full of little jeweler shops. He was joking that it was part of my master plan all the way and I told him that he should make up his mind anyway. And he said, OK let's go into one of the shops and buy a ring. And that was that. But I'm happy because we talk about things we like, about things we want and when we want them.

IF your girlfriend wanted an engagement she could propose herself or nag you into doing it. I don't know why are women supposed to be some delicate flowers who quietly wait for their man to sweep them of their feet with most romantic proposal ever. Probably on Valentine's day. C'mon marriage is about partnership and if you are not able to talk about the plans for future, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

LegacyUser · 28-02-2012 5:52pm

Sorry OP but your girlfriend is too right taking a stand on this. You're not showing any backbone or passion/determination. Im with my boyfriend 10 years this year and this is making me feel like a right t*at for not doing something similar years ago. We have had our ups and downs and always struggling for money but he knows I don't want anything fancy. So I am going to ask him to move out.
Bottom line is if you really love her you will propose to her. Not good from her point of view she has had to do this to give you a kick but if it what it takes. Though you sound like you would of come up with some other reason for postponing it to be honest.

Chinafoot · 28-02-2012 6:03pm

Neyite wrote: »

As for me, I've made my peace with staying unmarried and I am genuinely happy with or without a ring on my finger. It was the expectation that it would happen, not just by me but by everybody in both families that wrecked my head. Being able to transfer tax credits would be handy though!

I'm not quite where you are but I know I'll get there soon. We'll be 7 years in June and despite all the talk of "when we're married" etc I know in my heart it isn't going to happen. It makes me sad but thats life really. I can either stay with the man that I love or walk away. I don't want an expensive ring or a big fancy wedding. I just wanted to be his wife. He has never explicitly said it but I know its not something he wants and I need to accept that. I couldn't marry him knowing I had forced him into it.

OP, I have reacted as your girlfriend is now. While I didn't dump my partner I came very close. I felt that there was little point in us being together when we clearly didn't want the same things. I felt so angry and hurt and frustrated that he would never have serious conversation with me about it. You might feel that you've had talks about it and that this is all out of the blue but realistically telling her "yeah I want to marry you" and then having nothing happen must have been upsetting for her. You spend so long with a person and then you start thinking about kids and you need to make sure you're not wasting these years with someone who is never going to give you what you want. If she feels that marriage is something she needs and you have given no sign of taking that step then she probably feels she has no other option but to leave and hopefully find someone that wants the same things.

You never put a time frame on it, so as far as she was concerned this is something that was just "someday." She's 28, and while you might feel that 6 years isn't that long she might feel that at this age you both know whether you want to be married or not.

The difference between your situation and mine is that you were genuinely planning to propose. Go to her and tell her how you feel and ask her to marry you. She hasn't backed you into a corner when you were planning to do it anyway and if you want to marry her you need to ask her. She's more than likely gutted that she's had to walk away from this after so long so don't waste anymore time, the longer you leave this the more solid she'll feel in her decision. Go and talk to her.

Getting engaged

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