Cheated?

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 2:39pm #1

Hi all. This is an awful situation but I'll try and explain it. I pissed my gf off recently, by being hungover two weekends in a row and not helping her do some things she needed to do. We also hadn't been getting on that well of late but I've no doubt we're both in love with each other.
Anyway she got really mad at me that day when she came back, and went out with her friends, and stayed out for 2 nights, I didn't see her at all or hear from her until the Monday. I suspected she stayed with one of her "friends" that fancies her on the Sunday night, as she hadn't really anywhere else to go.
So she was drunk on Friday night (we're both aware we drink too much and are trying to tackle that), and she came out and said that she had slept with that guy, where I suspected she stayed.
Next day she said she didn't really and that she was just saying that to hurt me or something.
So on Sunday I was on Facebook and I saw her password, as she had mistyped it into the login box and it was saved in the form. Yesterday I couldn't help myself by checking to see if she was talking to this guy and when I logged in my suspicions were correct.
He was asking her if she felt guilty about what had happened. It turns out they had unprotected sex. She claims it was only "for a second" before she stopped it and that she was absolutely blotto.
She tends to overreact to situations, storms off out a lot of the time when something's not going her way or we have an argument, and acts very much in the moment sometimes. She claims that she was 100% sure we were over that night, so technically it wasn't cheating. Hilarious I know.
Now I know you'll all go to town on me for going into her Facebook but I just had to know, she had pretty much admitted it to me when drunk, and then changed her mind the next day. I had to know for sure.
I don't know what to do now. I'm at my wit's end. She claims it was because she was hurt and she had nowhere else to go and that it's the biggest mistake she ever made.
What am I supposed to do here? I can't look at her the same way knowing some other guy f*cked her last week. Also when she came back on the Monday, we had sex, with no regard for what she had just done.
Any advice here? A real mess I know. We're both in our 30s even though it sounds like a couple of teenagers. I just don't know what to do. I feel awful right now so please go easy on me.

Penny Tration · 29-07-2014 2:47pm

Firstly and most importantly, you both need STD testing.

Secondary to that, the relationship. Sounds like you're both drinking too much, which you acknowledge. Does she acknowledge it? Are you both going to lay off the booze? If you're not, I don't see much point in continuing the relationship.

Do you WANT to continue it? Does she? If you both do, it's time for honesty and openness, and work to build back the trust.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 2:50pm

I don't know if I want to or not. I love her so much but I feel betrayed. I'm afraid this is going to make me super paranoid every time she goes out. Yeah she claims that she's madly in love with me and it's the biggest mistake of her life.
Re drinking, we've been a bit all over the place lately, starting new jobs, moving country, houses, trying to settle down... We've had no routine really and we've been drinking too much yeah. Something both of us (I think) really want to tackle.

Penny Tration · 29-07-2014 2:54pm

Well, before either of ye work on the relationship, you need to have a chat, and you need to figure out what you want, and if you believe you can trust her again. If you can't, walk away. If you can, both of you should be knocking the drink onthe head and ffocusing on the relationship.

For what it's worth, I don't condone reading peoples' messages, but I'd have done the same in your position.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 2:57pm

green_screen wrote: »

For what it's worth, I don't condone reading peoples' messages, but I'd have done the same in your position.

The fact that she was saying it to me last Friday with real venom, that she had slept with the guy, and then changed her mind the next day really made me terrified that she had actually done it.
I guess I'm using this as a sounding board. What would people do in my position? How can I be sure this never happens again? I can't believe it, I haven't even looked at another woman since I met her. Is being hammered an excuse? How come I get absolutely hammered and there's no other women ever involved?
I'm so sad right now

Barely There · 29-07-2014 3:00pm

Snoutface wrote: »

I don't know what to do now.

Dumping her would seem like a sensible option.

SterlingArcher · 29-07-2014 3:02pm

Snoutface wrote: »

The fact that she was saying it to me last Friday with real venom, that she had slept with the guy, and then changed her mind the next day really made me terrified that she had actually done it.
I guess I'm using this as a sounding board. What would people do in my position? How can I be sure this never happens again? I can't believe it, I haven't even looked at another woman since I met her. Is being hammered an excuse? How come I get absolutely hammered and there's no other women ever involved?
I'm so sad right now

Me personally I would be dumping her. Saying adios and maybe tapping all her mates too. But I'm a dxxk. And you seem in love. This is going to consume you. Make you constantly jealous and petty till she dumps you.

Maybe ask yourself. What would she do?

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:03pm

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Me personally I would be dumping her. Saying adios and maybe tapping all her mates too. But I'm a dxxk. And you seem in love. This is going to consume you. Make you constantly jealous and petty till she dumps you.

Maybe ask yourself. What would she do?

That's the thing, I'm 100% sure she'd dump me and tell everyone she knows what happened. I haven't told a soul as I'm too ashamed. I feel like such a loser.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:04pm

SterlingArcher wrote: »

maybe tapping all her mates too.

Unfortunately all her mates are men

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:05pm

Snoutface wrote: »

Unfortunately all her mates are men

I genuinely think that's a big consideration when entering any relationship.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:06pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

I genuinely think that's a big consideration when entering any relationship.

What do you mean? tbh it kind of bothers me that she doesn't even have ONE female friend that she hangs out with.

Chance The Rapper · 29-07-2014 3:06pm

If I was you I'd end it. I couldn't stomach the thought of my girlfriend cheating on me. She does it once, she'll do it again.

BikeQueery · 29-07-2014 3:07pm

Alcohol is a really poor excuse for cheating. I think a lot of the time it goes along the lines of "I'm going to get drunk and then bang that guy" rather than "woops I'm at some guys place and he's inside me". And a guy she knew was crushing on her too. I doubt there wasn't pre-meditation. She sounds guilty about it though, but then she tried to lie her way out of it.

Having sex with you right after is a little messed up too. If Iwas being cynical - covering her bases in case bare backing it caused pregnancy..

Dude I wouldn't be happy, and I don't think you are. Even if it was some random stranger and it just somehow happened at a party.. but it really sounds like something she decided on.

I would consider a break-up. It's the hardest thing you could do but in the long term might be the best.. she cheated, she lied about it and she's still communicating with the guy. They're friends even.. it's all very close quarters, can you really be comfortable with all of that.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:07pm

Chance The Rapper wrote: »

If I was you I'd end it. I couldn't stomach the thought of my girlfriend cheating on me. She does it once, she'll do it again.

But she claims it was only for a couple of seconds. How do I know he didn't bang the life out of her though?

Tasden · 29-07-2014 3:09pm

Honestly I'd prob go back to the person who betrayed me but then end up not able to forgive them no matter how much I tried and eventually be kicking myself that I didn't just get a clean break when they cheated. That's not advice btw :pac: its just what I think will happen as I've been there before

BikeQueery · 29-07-2014 3:10pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims it was only for a couple of seconds. How do I know he didn't bang the life out of her though?

This might sound mean but "it was just the tip, I swear" is pretty fcuking insulting all on its own.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:11pm

BikeQueery wrote: »

This might sound mean but "it was just the tip, I swear" is pretty fcuking insulting all on its own.

I know. F*ck. This is horrible.

BikeQueery · 29-07-2014 3:12pm

Snoutface wrote: »

I know. F*ck. This is horrible.

I'm sorry man. I feel for you.

Tasden · 29-07-2014 3:12pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims it was only for a couple of seconds. How do I know he didn't bang the life out of her though?

Does it matter? Its not like they were sitting far apart before that "couple of seconds", they were intimate right up to that point regardless of how long it actually lasted

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:12pm

Snoutface wrote: »

What do you mean? tbh it kind of bothers me that she doesn't even have ONE female friend that she hangs out with.

That's exactly what I mean. It would bother me as well.

Chance The Rapper · 29-07-2014 3:17pm

Snoutface wrote: »

I know. F*ck. This is horrible.

I'm sorry. You're better cutting her out and moving on so you don't think of it every time you look at her

frazzledhome · 29-07-2014 3:22pm

Set her free, that's where this is going to end. She took a sulk and slept with her mate, told you for spite and then lied about it. She then had sex with you in case she's preggers.

If you agree this is the summary, I think you know what to do.

Sorry mate but this is ****

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:27pm

frazzledhome wrote: »

Set her free, that's where this is going to end. She took a sulk and slept with her mate, told you for spite and then lied about it. She then had sex with you in case she's preggers.

If you agree this is the summary, I think you know what to do.

Sorry mate but this is ****

Well she wasn't preggers as she had her period the day she came back. We didn't have sex until the next day.

Tasden · 29-07-2014 3:29pm

Yeah honestly OP walk away with your dignity now and don't even entertain her because its just gonna end in pettiness and resentment from both of you in the end

b_mac2 · 29-07-2014 3:30pm

Snoutface wrote: »

Well she wasn't preggers as she had her period the day she came back. We didn't have sex until the next day.

Ugh....

Neyite · 29-07-2014 3:37pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims it was only for a couple of seconds. How do I know he didn't bang the life out of her though?

You never will, because cheaters lie and minimise. But who cares if it was mere seconds or all night long? lots happens before that actual moment: knowing you are attracted to that person, flirting, kissing, hands wandering, clothing being removed. At any of those stages, she could have stopped it and thought "hang on, I love my boyfriend/ ex and cant do this"

But she didnt. Then she venomously through it in your face, then denied it, then when confronted with the evidence of her betrayal, minimised it. If you hadnt seen the evidence she likely would have only admitted to kissing, then a bit of foreplay, but you probably would have never got the real story - unprotected sex that she never would have admitted then putting you at risk the following day by having sex with you, and you would have been none the wiser if in a few days you were scratching from STI symptoms.

So really, the 'couple of seconds' is a red herring.

Does drink cause cheating? No.
Do arguments cause cheating? No.

I think once trust is gone, the relationship is changed irrevocably. You may want to try to mend things, but its very very hard to do to regain the trust lost. And regaining trust only happens if the cheater is truly remorseful, admits fully what they did, and does not lie or minimise or blame other factors as the reason they cheated.

The fact she is still blamestorming and minimising does not bode well for a solid reconcillation, I'm afraid.

ManOfMystery · 29-07-2014 3:37pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims it was only for a couple of seconds. How do I know he didn't bang the life out of her though?

Sorry to be harsh, but lets be honest - his penis didn't magically appear inside her. She must have some attraction to him, they probably kissed, they may have had foreplay, and worked their way up to it. Glossing over saying it was only inside her for a couple of seconds (like that excuses it) is just insulting.

She had sex with another man, full stop - doesn't matter if it was for a few second or a few hours. That's if it's even true.

Personally, she'd be out of my life. Someone who overreacts hideously like that sounds like a nightmare and you're going to be worrying about a recurrence the next time you argue and she storms off for a night out.

elefant · 29-07-2014 3:40pm

Snoutface wrote: »

Unfortunately all her mates are men

JeffKenna wrote: »

I genuinely think that's a big consideration when entering any relationship.

I really don't think this is an issue at all and shouldn't even be part of considerations. Nothing wrong with it.

GreeBo · 29-07-2014 3:41pm

OP imagine her giving head to the other guy before he just put the tip in....I would be gone.

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:42pm

I was just thinking there.

No one seems to have given you any advise about looking after yourself. I'm taking this happened very recently, it's a horrible situation to be in. If it were me I'd try and get a few days space from her just to give yourself time to take it in/let the shock wear off. Head to the gym tonight just to blow off some steam and focus on something else for a little while. I know it's a very easy thing to say but you'll feel way better after it. Do you have any friends/family to meet up with to keep you company at the moment?

Tokyo · 29-07-2014 3:43pm

b_mac2 wrote: »

Ugh....

b_mac2 - if you're not adding constructively to the thread, please consider not posting at all.

Regards,
Mike

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:43pm

elefant wrote: »

I really don't think this is an issue at all and shouldn't even be part of considerations. Nothing wrong with it.

Well that's neither here not there and a discussion for a different day. The important thing now is the OP looks after himself for the next while.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:44pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

I was just thinking there.

No one seems to have given you any advise about looking after yourself. I'm taking this happened very recently, it's a horrible situation to be in. If it were me I'd try and get a few days space from her just to give yourself time to take it in/let the shock wear off. Head to the gym tonight just to blow off some steam and focus on something else for a little while. I know it's a very easy thing to say but you'll feel way better after it. Do you have any friends/family to meet up with to keep you company at the moment?

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

Neyite · 29-07-2014 3:44pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

I was just thinking there.

No one seems to have given you any advise about looking after yourself. I'm taking this happened very recently, it's a horrible situation to be in. If it were me I'd try and get a few days space from her just to give yourself time to take it in/let the shock wear off. Head to the gym tonight just to blow off some steam and focus on something else for a little while. I know it's a very easy thing to say but you'll feel way better after it. Do you have any friends/family to meet up with to keep you company at the moment?

Good advice. I'd also state the obvious and say that despite the fact you probably would love to get hammered right now, therein lies the way towards drunk texts and complications so do try to avoid alcohol for a little while.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:46pm

Neyite wrote: »

Good advice. I'd also state the obvious and say that despite the fact you probably would love to get hammered right now, therein lies the way towards drunk texts and complications so do try to avoid alcohol for a little while.

Is there any way I can get her to admit to what actually happened? If she just told me they had proper sex and all the rest for some reason I think I'd actually feel better. It's the fact that she's lying about the events that has me in pieces.

Neyite · 29-07-2014 3:47pm

Snoutface wrote: »

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

So stay at your mums again tonight? I stayed 3 weeks with my parents after a break up, chainsmoked and barely kept any food down. Thank god for the mammy's homemade soup! But I needed that space to process things, and you do too. You'll never get that staring at the 4 walls and the person who hurt you.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:48pm

Neyite wrote: »

So stay at your mums again tonight? I stayed 3 weeks with my parents after a break up, chainsmoked and barely kept any food down. Thank god for the mammy's homemade soup! But I needed that space to process things, and you do too. You'll never get that staring at the 4 walls and the person who hurt you.

I don't want to tell my parents what happened. We were living with them while this happened. When she went for 2 nights they were worried about her and calling her etc asking her to come home, that I was sorry for messing up. They are very fond of her.
I can't tell them this. I feel pathetic, that I've been cheated on. What a loser.

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:49pm

Snoutface wrote: »

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

I don't blame you at all to be honest.
It's a complete mess of a situation, I dunno while the advise here is all good i get a feeling your in no state to have a conversation with the girl or be thinking about what she did. Can you get away anywhere for a few days? Cut out the drink if you can - again easier said than done I know.

Remember, it's always darkest before dawn.

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:50pm

Snoutface wrote: »

I don't want to tell my parents what happened. We were living with them while this happened. When she went for 2 nights they were worried about her and calling her etc asking her to come home, that I was sorry for messing up. They are very fond of her.
I can't tell them this. I feel pathetic, that I've been cheated on. What a loser.

It goes without saying your not a loser or pathetic. She's the one who's pathetic for what she's done.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 3:52pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

It goes without saying your not a loser or pathetic. She's the one who's pathetic for what she's done.

But she claims that she thought we were "100%" over. As I said, she has a very short sighted view when she's angry. If she was so sure we were over why did she come back the next day?

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 3:55pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims that she thought we were "100%" over. As I said, she has a very short sighted view when she's angry. If she was so sure we were over why did she come back the next day?

Personally I couldn't be with someone if anytime we had a fight I'd be worried she was gone off with some fella. It would absolutely drive me crazy.

Also you said earlier you just moved in together? Doesn't sound like you were 100% over to me.

Neyite · 29-07-2014 3:55pm

Snoutface wrote: »

Is there any way I can get her to admit to what actually happened? If she just told me they had proper sex and all the rest for some reason I think I'd actually feel better. It's the fact that she's lying about the events that has me in pieces.

I think thats the part that hurts the most. The act is what it is. Its the lying about it, the self-absorbtion of the cheater to lie to your face in spite of the fact that the lies are the part that hurt you. The lies are what shatter a relationship and ruin it for good.

My ex never ever admitted it. I came home to find two wineglasses with lipstick on one, and the bedsheets changed for the first time in history by him. And he denies that anyone bar him set foot that night into my home. :rolleyes: 11 years on, I've no doubt he would still deny it if I asked him. He cant even be honest with himself, thats how pathetic he is, and ditto for your girlfriend.

Assume they had full intercourse. Assume they both thouroghly enjoyed it. Assume that if you hadnt found anything, they may have met up again and again behind your back in a full blown affair. And get mad. Get annoyed enough to dump her and leave them both to each other.

endacl · 29-07-2014 3:58pm

Sorry for what follows OP. I normally try to put things more gently in this forum. You and she have a hell of a lot of growing up to do, whether or not you stay together. That's what I'd address. The 'relating to each other as adults' bit.

Czarcasm · 29-07-2014 3:59pm

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

You're both in your 30's right? I don't think you should waste any more time tbh, and I normally wouldn't say that, but there really does seem to be a whole set of adverse circumstances here that I don't think are healthy for either of you.

I'd suggest that as well as booking an STI screening, that you book an appointment with your GP and have a serious chat about your drinking and what's going on in your life, and hopefully you can begin to make some changes that will benefit you both physically and mentally, that you'll be able to cope with the weeks ahead, regardless of what decision you make.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 4:03pm

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

But it was, we were happy for the most part, at least I was. I'm not sure I can get past this. I don't know what to do I finish work in about an hour and a half and I don't know where to go.

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 4:04pm

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

You're both in your 30's right? I don't think you should waste any more time tbh, and I normally wouldn't say that, but there really does seem to be a whole set of adverse circumstances here that I don't think are healthy for either of you.

I'd suggest that as well as booking an STI screening, that you book an appointment with your GP and have a serious chat about your drinking and what's going on in your life, and hopefully you can begin to make some changes that will benefit you both physically and mentally, that you'll be able to cope with the weeks ahead, regardless of what decision you make.

You're getting good advise here OP, I really hope you take it.

rule supreme · 29-07-2014 4:04pm

You should talk to someone , maybe your brother ,it helps to talk ,but you should tell your parents because you didnt do anything wrong and you could do with some support at this time .

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 4:05pm

rule supreme wrote: »

You should talk to someone , maybe your brother ,it helps to talk ,but you should tell your parents because you didnt do anything wrong and you could do with some support at this time .

Well I can be a handful for her at times too. I'm not a perfect boyfriend or anything. But I've never stayed out all night or had anything with anyone else since we met. It doesn't get any lower than this. I just want to go asleep for 10 years.
I don't want to tell my brother about this, we don't really have those conversations, and him and her are good friends at this stage.

JeffKenna · 29-07-2014 4:06pm

Snoutface wrote: »

But it was, we were happy for the most part, at least I was. I'm not sure I can get past this. I don't know what to do I finish work in about an hour and a half and I don't know where to go.

Look I don't know your financial situation but right now if I were you I'd have a look online for a hotel with a gym and leisure centre. Get yourself some chips or whatever on the way there and head for a swim, hop into the steam room or hit the gym.

Snoutface · 29-07-2014 4:07pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

Look I don't know your financial situation but right now if I were you I'd have a look online for a hotel with a gym and leisure centre. Get yourself some chips or whatever on the way there and head for a swim, hop into the steam room or hit the gym.

I am desperately hungover and I can't afford a hotel. And why should I have to make other accommodation plans? Shouldn't she be doing that?

Neyite · 29-07-2014 4:10pm

Snoutface wrote: »

I am desperately hungover and I can't afford a hotel. And why should I have to make other accommodation plans? Shouldn't she be doing that?

Depends on who has the name on the mortgage or rental agreement to be honest. Can you text her and ask her to stay somewhere else for a few nights? Honestly I think that you being hungover and hurt, and her ready to be righteous and argue with you, tonight is not going to be pretty if you go home and she is there.

Or is there a friend you can stay with?

Cheated?

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