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Bridesmaid snub?

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    #32
    Sherlof3
    Registered Users Posts: 171 ✭✭Sherlof3


    Shelly Cooper wrote: »
    Hi there,
    Just wanted to see if I am being unreasonable about this as can't chat to my friends as I don't want to cause any ill feeling/sniping. A good friend of mine ( I consider them a good genuine friend) was bridesmaid for me along with others.
    She was delighted etc and is now getting married herself next summer. I am not a bridesmaid which though I was a bit hurt about (as I would love to be part of it) i can understand as its a low key wedding. The thing I am more hurt about is that she never said "look I am having a low key do, hope you understand" but she never actually addressed it at all and I feel a bit of a fool. Now I know it's no big deal not being a b.m. but I am genuinely hurt and just expected more decency from her especially as we'''ve known each other a very long time. Everyone I know assumes I am one of the bridesmaids and it's slightly embarrassing when I have to say no I'm actually not.

    Hi, really glad I saw this. I recently got engaged and there was one friend who I haven't been getting on with lately was really put out that I didn't ask her to be a BM.

    But like you mentioned, I didn't actually address it with her, I asked her to do a reading. I knew I needed to address it because we were due to go to Brussells that weekend and I didn't want it simmering.

    At which point she flipped out at me and told me I could shove my reading that she wasn't religious, and that I was a coward for asking her to do a reading, and sent back to back texts of abuse. Felt like I was in school again!

    Although she's prone to dramatics I understand she was hurt that I didn't address it with her - but her reaction made me realise I had made the right decision! She had a snog with my fiance's brother (the best man) in my garden at a dinner party last year (she has a boyfriend) and since then has refused to be in his company, which I find irrational. Anyway I had drunkenly said to her last year if I was getting married I would ask her, but that was pre-garden snog drama.

    Anyway - end result I didn't go to Brussels in the end, I do want to stay friends with her but I feel she was out of line. Shelly your reaction is mild in comparison.


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    #33
    bur
    Registered Users Posts: 1,689 ✭✭✭bur


    Bring it up in a light-hearted way, 'everyone keeps assuming i'm the a bridesmaid, haha'.


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    #34
    Arbiter of Good Taste
    Registered Users Posts: 2,200 ✭✭✭Arbiter of Good Taste


    bur wrote: »
    Bring it up in a light-hearted way, 'everyone keeps assuming i'm the a bridesmaid, haha'.

    But why?


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    #35
    Tarzana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,062 ✭✭✭Tarzana


    Alf Veedersane wrote: »
    If you're friends a very good time, she probably thought she didn't need to address it on account of you knowing it was low key. She probably doesn't realise she made the wrong choice.

    But she didn't make the wrong choice, she just had limited spots available.


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    #36
    Tarzana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,062 ✭✭✭Tarzana


    groovyg wrote: »
    Op I think you should be delighted more than annoyed. Being a bridesmaid is hard work, at least now (if you are invited) you can go to the wedding and enjoy yourself!

    Yes, I'm going through final stage hen party organisation hell. The 'Not Attending's are rolling in. :( Nightmare.


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    #37
    cookiecakes
    Registered Users Posts: 331 ✭✭cookiecakes


    I understand that you're disappointed but it drives me bonkers that there's a tit for tat element to bridesmaids. You've mentioned that your friend wants a low-key wedding but not that she's having any other women as bridesmaids so is she having any at all?


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    #38
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    Tarzana wrote: »
    But she didn't make the wrong choice, she just had limited spots available.

    Think he meant the choice of not telling her. Not the choice of not picking her


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    #39
    Tarzana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,062 ✭✭✭Tarzana


    Yer Aul One wrote: »
    Think he meant the choice of not telling her. Not the choice of not picking her

    Oh, OK. Well, I still don't think that was a wrong choice. It should be been inferred by the bride telling the OP that it's to be a low key affair. That might have been the bride's subtle way of letting the OP know she wouldn't be a BM.


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    #40
    pooch90
    Registered Users Posts: 2,371 ✭✭✭pooch90


    amdublin wrote: »
    Things change. One should not be held to promises you make when you are young etc. Particularly when there has been a falling out along the way.

    You seem very bitter about this/it seems to have hurt you bad? Frankly it does not change your friendship.... unless you let it. And you seem so bitter about it that I think you need to make a decision - let it go and get over it. Or if simply can't let it go (!!!) Is it time to let your friend go?

    What exactly are you basing this bitter assessment on??
    I'm hurt that I have been made feel very insignificant by someone who is meant to be one of my closest friends. Not just by not being a BM but numerous other things in the past few months.
    The thing that really hurts is that she has discussed this with my friends and not with me.

    It's not like we said it once when we were 12 that we would be each others' BMs, it was a constant agreement/promise. The falling out happened but we got back to how we were. Friends fall out, does that mean we discard any friendship that existed before?

    One of my other BMs got engaged in the run up to our wedding, I'm not one of her BMs. She asked would I mind and I said "No, not in a million years but if you need anything just give a shout"
    It's the whispering behind closed doors mentality that is hurtful.


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    #41
    Sala
    Registered Users Posts: 1,494 ✭✭✭Sala


    I'm bridesmaid for a very close friend and not long afterwards I am getting married and she is not my bridesmaid. I'd love her to be, but with another BF and sisters it just couldn't happen unless I wanted an entourage! I had the conversation with her and she was like I knew you'd feel bad, don't you dare, I completely get it etc etc. and I know she is totally honest and she will be there on the morning anyway and will read a poem for us. She is my coolest friend :D OP I don't think it is a snub at all, sometimes people don't want bridesmaids at all (they are expensive remember), sometimes they ask people for the sake of family relations and leave out others. It does not mean you are less important to her at all or that you are not as close as you thought


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    #42
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    pooch90 wrote: »
    What exactly are you basing this bitter assessment on??

    I reckon it was partly to do with this line:
    pooch90 wrote: »
    I'm in a similar position.
    She then got engaged and announced it the week of our wedding, with me being one of the last she told (having kept it quiet for 2 weeks).

    That reads to me that you think she intentionally kept it quiet but then announced it vindictively the week of your wedding and then had the gall to let other people know before you!


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    #43
    pooch90
    Registered Users Posts: 2,371 ✭✭✭pooch90


    I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
    It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

    Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
    I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.


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    #44
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,267 ✭✭✭✭fits


    pooch90 wrote: »
    I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
    It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

    Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
    I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.


    Crikey... maybe she thought you were busy with your own stuff! I never put any thought into who we told when... just told people as we saw them.


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    #45
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    pooch90 wrote: »
    I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
    It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

    Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
    I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.

    Maybe she just doesn't value you as a friend as much as you thought.

    That's a misunderstanding on your part, not really her beef tbh


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    #46
    pooch90
    Registered Users Posts: 2,371 ✭✭✭pooch90


    Yer Aul One wrote: »
    Maybe she just doesn't value you as a friend as much as you thought.
    You're probably right tbh.
    She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.


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    #47
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    pooch90 wrote: »
    You're probably right tbh.
    She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

    Sometimes friends are on different levels of friendship than each other.
    You might see her once a week as your best mate.

    She might see you once a week but see 3 other girls more often.

    She is your best friend but you only come 4th on her list. She also has sisters were you have none.

    Just using the above as an example that just because she doesn't value you as her bestie, she was prob yours. On that basis, why would she refuse your invitation to be bridesmaid??


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    #48
    Tarzana
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,062 ✭✭✭Tarzana


    pooch90 wrote: »
    You're probably right tbh.
    She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

    Hard to say no to something like that!


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    #49
    Sala
    Registered Users Posts: 1,494 ✭✭✭Sala


    pooch90 wrote: »
    You're probably right tbh.
    She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

    Not at all! You are obviously hurt, but that doesn't mean she meant to hurt you. There could be a whole load of reasons she didn't ask you and I certainly dont believe friends are ranked by who is or who is not a bridesmaid.

    I know a girl who felt pressurized into asking two friends by them when all she really wanted was her sister. For all you know it could have been that situation. It could be that someone was having a hard time and helping them out she grew close to them. Sometimes one friend is so excited and would love to do it the bride asks her. There are family reasons.

    I certainly don't rank my friends and one of my best friends is not my BM because that's the way things go, and I can't afford to (nor want to!) have 10 bridesmaids walkjng up the aisle ahead of me!! Doesn't mean all my close friends are not just as important to me.


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    #50
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    Wow, this is insane! The one time I was a bridesmaid, the bride told me (on her wedding day!) that if I ever married I was not to feel under any obligation to ask her to be bridesmaid for me as a "return of favour". Which is just as well, because I wouldn't have thought about it! It's kinda juvenile, this tit for tat stuff, isn't it?


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    #51
    pooch90
    Registered Users Posts: 2,371 ✭✭✭pooch90


    I've been thinking on it, and I shouldn't have said that she shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid.
    I'm delighted I asked and delighted she accepted. We had a great time during all the planning and the wedding itself. I think I was just enjoying the closeness that we used to have returning. Any way, I'm not the OP so I'm bowing out.


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    #52
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,267 ✭✭✭✭fits


    Ok I really tried to put myself in this position. Eg I have one very close friend, and if I asked her, and she didn't ask me back... yeah I guess I would be a tiny bit put out. But id get over it too. We both have lots of sisters.


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    #53
    Sala
    Registered Users Posts: 1,494 ✭✭✭Sala


    pooch90 wrote: »
    I've been thinking on it, and I shouldn't have said that she shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid.
    I'm delighted I asked and delighted she accepted. We had a great time during all the planning and the wedding itself. I think I was just enjoying the closeness that we used to have returning. Any way, I'm not the OP so I'm bowing out.

    I totally get that. I fully respect that you are hurt and I'm not trying to criticise in any way, We all get hurt by different things, very often when the other person hasn't even copped it. but you should not feel your friendship is in any way changed. My super friend who is not a BM is going to come over to help me get ready in the morning, and in fact she has been so amazing to me even while planning her own wedding.

    Bridesmaids are often political appointments!! There are possibly a huge amount if reasons you were not asked. That does not mean you are not as important as the others. That is a fact, because I am in that situation. Be there for your friend and don't read into anything - it probably doesn't even exist and all you are doing is making yourself feel bad. xx


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    #54
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    pooch90 wrote: »
    I've been thinking on it, and I shouldn't have said that she shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid.
    I'm delighted I asked and delighted she accepted. We had a great time during all the planning and the wedding itself. I think I was just enjoying the closeness that we used to have returning. Any way, I'm not the OP so I'm bowing out.

    I know you are bowing out, but I am glad you have wonderful memories of her as your bridesmaid.


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    #55
    seanmoylantd
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭seanmoylantd


    I'd be hurt. I think that's awful .


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    #56
    L0ui5e
    Registered Users Posts: 78 ✭✭L0ui5e


    Maybe Im just a miserable git but if I was overlooked for b.m. duties Id be secretly delighted.
    The cost of attending fittings, arranging and often subsidizing a hen party,extra buffing and pampering etc along with all the politics and silly etiquette that goes with it, would send me into foul humour.
    I think OP is lucky she can take a back seat and choose her own outfit and have a relaxing day.


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    #57
    Spicy123
    Registered Users Posts: 19 ✭Spicy123


    I've just had a pretty similar experience in that I have asked a good friend to be my maid of honour and another good friend I won't be asking. I think she will be hurt but she is a very unreliable person so that made up my mind. I will be meeting her soon and letting her know who I have asked and I will ask her if she's alright with that. I can't tell her I think she's unreliable so I'm not too sure where the conversation will go if she asks why. What would you like to hear from your bridesmaid to soften the blow?


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    #58
    Spicy123
    Registered Users Posts: 19 ✭Spicy123


    Sorry, I mean to say what would you like to hear from your friend to soften the blow?


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    #59
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    How unreliable is she? Are you worried she will turn up half an hour late wearing jeans?

    How reliable does a BM have to be. Maybe I don't understand the role?


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    #60
    Spicy123
    Registered Users Posts: 19 ✭Spicy123


    She's unreliable in my life in general, making plans and not turning up. I got engaged over a month ago and I haven't seen her because she keeps cancelling. Doesn't work etc so I doubt she'd be able to afford coming to the hens etc. The role of a Bridesmaid essentially is just being there!


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    #61
    Yer Aul One
    Registered Users Posts: 664 ✭✭✭Yer Aul One


    She probably wont expect to be chosen for BM on account of her employment status

    :pac::pac::pac:


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