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Opinions on Cheating?

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Comments

  • #52
    fallen01angel
    Registered Users Posts: 338 ✭✭fallen01angel


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Cheating is the most horrible disrespectful thing you can do in a relationship,embarrassed to put this in print even 13 years later but I cheated (not sex,just to clarify)on a long term boyfriend,told him about it(and I can safely say I have never in life felt like such a b**ch and it was all my own doing) broke up,we got back together after a couple of weeks and only lasted for 6 months after that.And although no can say never say never I truely learned my lesson,if you want to play the field man/woman up,do the decent thing and break up with your partner beforehand.


  • #53
    shopaholic01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,916 ✭✭✭shopaholic01


    I know people - both male and female - who only consider it cheating if full sex is involved. Also its not cheating if you pay for it :eek:, yes you read correctly or if it happens on a stag/hen night - what happens on tour stays on tour after all.

    For others considering it or even a kiss is cheating.

    Yes its wrong but statistically we're all probably likely to want to do or even do it at some point in our lives. We just wouldn't openly admit to it. I have also noticed that a lot of people's attitudes relax in proportion to the length of their relationship - early days no way, couple of years in it can be a different story.

    Men and women cheat for the same reasons I think - sex with someone different. You know when you reach the stage where you can anticipate what will happen next and nearly time it? The thrill of the chase and someone new can be very exciting. Also alcohol plays a big part here (and also tends to lower standards).


  • #54
    FoxT
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,204 ✭✭✭FoxT


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    pinkx101 wrote: »
    my boyfriend cheated on me on two occasions, the first time he had sex with his ex and i broke up with him for a few months and in them few months he constantly kept in touch with me and wanted to get back together, i figure he had sex with her because i wasn't ready for sex and it had been a good while since he had it.

    He may very well have felt frustrated, but I think the deeper issue is: how did you both discuss/negotiate about sex in your relationship? You are entitled to not be ready for sex. Did you discuss this? Did he understand/agree?

    I think this is crucial - lets say you decide to make the relationship permanent...Over the coming years some crucial issues will arise that don't have black/white solutions & can be resolved only through mutual negotiation / respect. Financial decisions, whether to have children, frequency (& nature) of your sex lives, career moves, etc...

    I think the question to ask yourself is..."As a couple, do we have the trust, love, negotiating skills, and mutual respect to make difficult joint decisions ? "

    pinkx101 wrote: »
    i finally gave in and decided to give him a second chance. The second time he cheated on me was on new years eve, he kissed another girl, part of me thinks this was because i chose to go out with my friends instead of spending it with him. i will admit i wasn't the best girlfriend i could have been, i valued my friends more than i valued him. i never really put him first even though he always put me first. He did anything for me and i guess he was deprived of some attention.

    could these be the reasons he cheated?

    Maybe. Again, I think there is a deeper issue here - you say you valued your friends more than you valued him. I think you need to ask yourself why?

    Based on this post, I wonder if you really have a long term future together unless these issues are resolved.

    Best of luck to you both, whatever happens.

    -FoxT


  • #55
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Over the years, myself and other girls in our group have obviously been hit on by 'involved' men.... I personally would have no interest in someone elses left overs and would not willingly get involved..

    All the girls were having a chat lately about this and once the attached men got rebuffed (by us) they sometimes let slip why they are trying it on... A very common reason / excuse appears to be where they were in a long term relationship, happy out but the girl put pressure on them to marry and they did marry her... Another common scenario is where the guys have relatively good jobs and the wives stay at home to mind the kids... For some guys, this almost seems to them that they own the wife and that she is more likely to turn a blind eye to their carry on cos she is somewhat 'trapped'...

    Not saying this is the same in all scenarios but these reasons have been mentioned about a few of the guys who are looking for flings...


  • #56
    Mistake
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Mistake


    Take it from someone who knows - having an affair is the biggest mistake you could ever make. I thought I would never do it. My father did it and it shook our family to the core.

    As an unfaithful husband, I regret everything even though it was stopped before it was disclosed. I have become my father despite all the hurt it caused.

    I knew it was wrong but the attention I got was on a scale I had never experienced and she was constantly telling me she was crazy about me. It was like I was on a pedestal and I have to admit I became addicted. I thought I could manage everything. How wrong I was. I fell into the deepest depression almost immediately when it became apparent the relationship was over and that we were just colleagues again. I barely ate for a month and have trouble sleeping. I have been so distant and disengaged.

    I am not looking for sympathy and I expect to be vilified. If you are evn thinking about, don't. The pain you will experience not to mind the consequences for others is too great.


  • #57
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Mistake wrote: »
    Take it from someone who knows - having an affair is the biggest mistake you could ever make. I thought I would never do it. My father did it and it shook our family to the core.

    As an unfaithful husband, I regret everything even though it was stopped before it was disclosed. I have become my father despite all the hurt it caused.

    I knew it was wrong but the attention I got was on a scale I had never experienced and she was constantly telling me she was crazy about me. It was like I was on a pedestal and I have to admit I became addicted. I thought I could manage everything. How wrong I was. I fell into the deepest depression almost immediately when it became apparent the relationship was over and that we were just colleagues again. I barely ate for a month and have trouble sleeping. I have been so distant and disengaged.

    I am not looking for sympathy and I expect to be vilified. If you are evn thinking about, don't. The pain you will experience not to mind the consequences for others is too great.

    I think there is no point having a go at you (but this is boards after all so expect an onslaught :D) and actually I find it refreshing to read such an honest posting. I cheated on my ex and am not proud of it in any way. We were nearing the end of our relationship and the writing was on the wall, but thats no excuse of course.


  • #58
    meganj
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 424 ✭✭meganj


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I have at some point thought that I could handle my (hypothetical) OH cheating on me if it was just sex. If you've a drunken one night stand with someone that to me is not as bad as being in a relationship with another person.

    I think that there is the potential for a relationship to survive a one nighter, I do not think that it's possible for a relationship to survive and affair, but each to their own. But even thinking about my OH cheating, even just for one night, pains me. So I don't know, I think as someone posted earlier, it's a case that the cheater loves themselves the most.

    I think it's very simple to say cheating is bad, but sometimes it can be a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship, or it can be a case that you love the person but you're not in love with them anymore (ah that old chestnut).

    I think the main problem with cheating is no body ever thinks of the consequences. A Friend's Father cheated on his wife with her Mother. She was unaware he was married, but none the less, she got pregnant and he left because he had no intention of leaving his wife and blah blah blah, there was no thought of the consequences of his actions and now subsequently the child is left knowing that she is a secret, and that despite it all being over 20 years ago that sort of information would be incredibly damaging to the Father and his other family (even though he's not with his wife any longer).

    So yeah, consequences, people never think of what damage an affair or one nighter can have on not only the other person, but anyone you tell who has to keep the secret and potential children etc etc.


  • #59
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Mistake wrote: »
    I fell into the deepest depression almost immediately when it became apparent the relationship was over and that we were just colleagues again.

    I dont think its any of my business to vilify you (Im not married so you cant be my hubby :) ) but I have to ask who finsihed it? Looks like she did but would you have if not?

    Also I am curious what her motivation was? Can never understand girls who go bald headed for married men...


  • #60
    Mistake
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Mistake


    She did. I dunno if I would although I knew it was wrong, I was caught up in it to a profound degree.

    Maybe she wanted to see if she could attract a married man.

    It is no excuse but it was like a chronic addiction.


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  • #61
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Mistake wrote: »
    She did. I dunno if I would although I knew it was wrong, I was caught up in it to a profound degree.

    Maybe she wanted to see if she could attract a married man.

    It is no excuse but it was like a chronic addiction.

    Will it happen again?


  • #62
    Mistake
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Mistake


    No way. I am never going through this again, ever.


  • #63
    saa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭saa


    No
    Yes they can love the person but even if the person does love their partner, that partner will not be able to feel that love or enjoy the love they have/had with this issue,

    so I do believe there are cases where the person is in love with their partner and there are cases where couples can work it out but I have a sneaking suspicion most of the time someone has drifted too far and has causes irreversible damage whether they love their partner or not.


  • #64
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Mistake wrote: »
    No way. I am never going through this again, ever.

    Ok well I hope you find happiness again within your marriage (dont mean that sarcastically either)....


  • #65
    Mistake
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Mistake


    A heartfelt thank you for that. You and I both. If you and your friends get hit on by married lads, tell them it ain't worth it and that there are no winners


  • #66
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Mistake wrote: »
    If you and your friends get hit on by married lads, tell them it ain't worth it and that there are no winners

    Have been there, done that (but not them :D ) and used my old tennis forehand to wallop them away.... I never wanted to give them the ego boost of thinking they could have two women mad about them.

    Oh and another thing - let the guilt go... A friend of mine was in your shoes and the guilt ate him up for years... The best thing you can do is give yourself a kick in the ass for doing it, promise never to do it again and then let it go.. You will be a much better husband for it. good luck and have manners !!!! :)


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  • #67
    Mistake
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Mistake


    I would really like to be do so. It will take time and much soul searching.


  • #68
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Okay folks, can we get back on-topic re opinions on cheating, please.

    There are advice forums Personal Issues/Relationship Issues for anyone wishing advice centred around their specific situation.


  • #69
    Dubhlinner
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭Dubhlinner


    No
    Yeah you can love someone and cheat. It doesn't matter if love is about not hurting your partner, because cheaters don't intend to get caught.

    If you cheat on him in his local, then yeah you probably don't love him. A snog in a foreign city on a business trip where no one will be the wiser? Different story

    Human conscience is an amazing thing, seems to work in direct correlation with likelihood of being found out most of the time.

    I think the stats say around 55% of people admit to cheating during serious relationships in surveys (admit being an important word there) I don't think that many people don't love their other half


  • #70
    ziggy23
    Registered Users Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭ziggy23


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I think if you are completely happy in your relationship and satisfied in the bedroom you wont cheat. Anytime I've cheated has been when they have done something bad on me or I've fallen out of love with them. If I truly love someone I wont even look at anybody else.


  • #71
    Kimia
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Kimia


    No
    I've read on this thread several times at this stage about how a cheater 'loves themselves more' than their partner or 'loves themselves the most'.

    I'm sorry but that's not a bad thing. You should love yourself more than anyone else. I don't have kids so I can't speak to that and I love love love my partner but I think it's essential to love yourself completely and mostly in this world.

    Cheating is ultimately one of the most selfish things you can do. It comes from a place where you're focused on yourself and your own gratification. However I completely disagree that a cheater doesn't love their partner, or that they can't possibly love their partner if they do that.

    People make mistakes, simple as that. Relationships go through (sometimes severe) ups and downs, especially if you're together a long time. You're not always going to feel 'in love', if you both take each other for granted and life gets in the way.

    For me it would depend on the level or severity of the mistake (a drunken kiss vs a prolonged affair for example). But I just cannot accept that it's as simple as - if you cheat, you don't love your partner. Human beings are way more complex than that.


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  • #72
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,177 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I found out a previous ex had cheated on a guy she was going to marry. It was too late, I was in love. I knew I should have got the hell out of dodge. But I didn't. She cheated on. Her attitude after it made it even worse, she walked into my apartment with an evil smirk on her face.

    I've gotten over her and for a few months was of the thinking that I should forgive her and was cool with the idea, to try and convince myself that she had her reasons or whatever and that I don't have to hate her..Because hate is a heavy weight to carry.

    But I've since decided. F'k it, I want to hate her. She deserves it. I don't want to get to a day where I meet her and we exchange small talk. If she ever tries to talk to me again I want to be able to make her feel as **** as she made me feel.


  • #73
    Fiona
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Fiona


    No
    Speaking from experience yes I agree that it is possible to love somebody 100% but still be unfaithful. I also think that it is possible to love two people at the same time.

    However, only one of those people is the right person for you. You only find that out when it is too late though.


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