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Gf jealous rages & despair :(

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    #32
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,767 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I have heard it said here before, and by the end of the thread it is almost always proven to be true, that if a partner is checking up on you constantly, accusing you of cheating etc it is because they have cheated, and are judging you by their standards.

    The fact that she gets so defensive and aggressive when you ask her about lads chatting her up on a night out makes me think 'the lady dost protest too much'. You say she is stunning. So she obviously gets lots of male attention on all these nights out that you're not around. Are you 100% certain that she isn't flattered by the attention, and occassionally lets it go too far?

    I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.


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    #33
    qdawg86
    Registered Users Posts: 169 ✭✭qdawg86


    This woman sounds terribly insecure and unhappy and in about 10 years time you are potentially going to be dealing with not only insecurities about the relationship but the insecurities of a former model who looks are fading fast.............you only get one life- don't live it in misery.

    Suggest counselling to her maybe.


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    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.

    It very likely is projection, specially since she flips if she's questioned herself.

    People like that tend to think other people would behave the same way themselves if the opportunity arises, making them paranoid.


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    #35
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Hi OP,

    What has your girlfriend's reaction been when you suggested counselling? I can't imagine she was too amenable to it if you are still having such awful problems with her.

    Her behaviour is appalling and, like others, I get a strong sense that you're putting up with her paranoia and tantrums because she's physically beautiful and you can't quite believe your luck. You're fooling yourself if you think you're lucky to be with a model. She might get lots of admiring glances from other guys but any one of those guys would run a mile from her behaviour if they'd even an ounce of self-respect. You're selling yourself short - you think you've hit the jackpot with this stunner when in fact you're stuck with a nightmare of a person who no one else would have.

    She will not change of her own accord, she (presumably) has refused counselling and if you're ruled out breaking up with her, then what are we actually discussing here? There's no magic wand, only standing up to her and making tough decisions.


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    #36
    carraig2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,072 ✭✭✭carraig2


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I have heard it said here before, and by the end of the thread it is almost always proven to be true, that if a partner is checking up on you constantly, accusing you of cheating etc it is because they have cheated, and are judging you by their standards.

    The fact that she gets so defensive and aggressive when you ask her about lads chatting her up on a night out makes me think 'the lady dost protest too much'. You say she is stunning. So she obviously gets lots of male attention on all these nights out that you're not around. Are you 100% certain that she isn't flattered by the attention, and occassionally lets it go too far?

    I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.


    Maybe there is an element of truth in this, I don't know. Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.
    Not excusing her behaviour at all and I would walk from this girl but bit harsh suggesting she is suspicious because she could be a cheat herself.


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    #37
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,767 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    carraig2 wrote: »
    Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.

    Well then she'll never be able to trust any man to be in a relationship with her. In.which case she should remain single for a while until she matures and can realise that all men are not the same.

    None of us know her reasons for behaving as she does. All we can do is offer varying perspectives to you OP, and let you decide yourself what you should do next.


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    #38
    fussyonion
    Registered Users Posts: 7,818 ✭✭✭fussyonion


    I used to be a jealous partner in the beginning of my relationship but I'm the total opposite now.
    I implicitly trust my partner and I know he would never stray. What we have is too good.
    Your girlfriend, OP, is insecure, despite her looks and if you really feel you can maintain this relationship then fair play to you, but it isn't healthy or normal.

    Oh and by the way, to whoever slated Czarcasm, I happen to think he/she is a very supportive PI contributor, who gives good advice, so leave off the insults.


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    #39
    banie01
    Registered Users Posts: 16,474 ✭✭✭✭banie01


    Mike.ie and others have offered some sage advice which I would echo.
    You can't "fix" your partner's insecurities and worries, but you also should not have to be treated as a chattel because of her issues.
    Relationships, no matter how much 2 people love other are based on 2 foundations apart from attraction....
    Trust, and respect!
    Whilst ye may attracted to each other, there is a serious dearth of trust and respect from your partner and without those, you are clinging on to what amounts an abusive relationship because you hope that "love" will make it better.
    It won't, your partner needs to address the cause of her insecurity and hopefully you can support her in that and build a strong foundation for a future together.

    Other than that, while your partner may be pretty....
    That doesn't give her a right to control you, no matter how much you love her.
    As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

    I hope it works out well for you OP but just think on this, if you were a woman and your partner was a man, your situation would be a textbook example of emotional abuse and control and the advice would be get out.


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    #40
    carraig2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,072 ✭✭✭carraig2


    banie01 wrote: »
    Mike.ie and others have offered some sage advice which I would echo.
    You can't "fix" your partner's insecurities and worries, but you also should not have to be treated as a chattel because of her issues.
    Relationships, no matter how much 2 people love other are based on 2 foundations apart from attraction....
    Trust, and respect!
    Whilst ye may attracted to each other, there is a serious dearth of trust and respect from your partner and without those, you are clinging on to what amounts an abusive relationship because you hope that "love" will make it better.
    It won't, your partner needs to address the cause of her insecurity and hopefully you can support her in that and build a strong foundation for a future together.

    Other than that, while your partner may be pretty....
    That doesn't give her a right to control you, no matter how much you love her.
    As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

    I hope it works out well for you OP but just think on this, if you were a woman and your partner was a man, your situation would be a textbook example of emotional abuse and control and the advice would be get out.

    Good point, well said.


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    #41
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    banie01 wrote: »
    As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

    I don't get this, you're making out like all women are doing someone's head in no matter what they look like! You can be beautiful and really nice too (myself being a perfect example).


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    #42
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    BraziliaNZ wrote: »
    I don't get this, you're making out like all women are doing someone's head in no matter what they look like! You can be beautiful and really nice too (myself being a perfect example).


    I think it just means BN that not everyone is going to like you (and it'd apply equally to either gender), there's always going to be somebody that doesn't like you for whatever their reasons are.

    For example for the OP, his girlfriend could feel threatened by this new girl fresh out of college at work that the OP admitted was attractive (a bad move when the OP after five years with this girl knew how insecure she was given that he has to constantly reassure her, mentally draining in itself), or it could just be that someone doesn't like you because you're successful or popular (or work hard enough to be both), and they feel a need to 'take you down a peg or two' so to speak.


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    #43
    dipdip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 537 ✭✭✭dipdip


    Looks fade.


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    #44
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    carraig2 wrote: »
    Maybe there is an element of truth in this, I don't know. Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.
    Not excusing her behaviour at all and I would walk from this girl but bit harsh suggesting she is suspicious because she could be a cheat herself.

    As well as this maybe OPs gf, being so attractive on the outside, feels that her looks are everything and has been conditioned to think she gets all this attention solely because of her looks...it's all about looks etc.

    Perhaps she thinks it could all be taken away from her & all it takes is a younger/more attractive model. She must feel pretty bad about whatever she's got going on on the inside.


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    #45
    RossFixxxed
    Registered Users Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    dipdip wrote: »
    Looks fade.

    "People die, buildings burn, feelings change. But true love is forever. " ;P

    Seriously though, the OP does read like:

    She's gorgeous (cool)
    She's good looking (ok got that)
    She's a model (ok...)
    You might recognise her (I don't care)
    She's a stunner (this is getting boring now)
    She's hot (yawwwn)
    She's really crazy, jealous, insecure, interferring with my career, embarrassing me, controlling. (mmmhmm... wait WHAT?)


    This behaviour isn't on, and you are blinded by her looks more than anything else it seems. You need a break and some perspective. This either has to change or you need to walk away. You're allowed to have female friends, good looking ones too, and female collegues WITHOUT the concept of 'being allowed' being a real thing. You're a grown man. Love isn't about any of this, and a future of watching what you say and pandering to this isn't a good idea.

    At all.

    And as others have said, she's protesting TOO much.


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    #46
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    RossFixxxed wrote: »
    "People die, buildings burn, feelings change. But true love is forever. " ;P

    Seriously though, the OP does read like:

    She's gorgeous (cool)
    She's good looking (ok got that)
    She's a model (ok...)
    You might recognise her (I don't care)
    She's a stunner (this is getting boring now)
    She's hot (yawwwn)
    She's really crazy, jealous, insecure, interferring with my career, embarrassing me, controlling. (mmmhmm... wait WHAT?)


    This behaviour isn't on, and you are blinded by her looks more than anything else it seems. You need a break and some perspective. This either has to change or you need to walk away. You're allowed to have female friends, good looking ones too, and female collegues WITHOUT the concept of 'being allowed' being a real thing. You're a grown man. Love isn't about any of this, and a future of watching what you say and pandering to this isn't a good idea.

    At all.

    And as others have said, she's protesting TOO much.

    Totally agreed! You seem to be way too invested in her looks, as does she.

    The problem is that you are using her looks as an excuse for horrible awful behaviour. If she wasn't so good looking, would you be so forgiving?

    I genuinely think that you are staying in an absolutely truly awful and abusive relationship because you are obsessed by her her looks. That's not a long term foundation, it's a shaky unreal one. Do you two really connect at all?


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    #47
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Am with the others OP - this sounds more about Control than Love.
    Getting a break for you both would be good - it would give you a chance to see if you can salvage your professional career and to see if personally you are more damaged than you realise.
    Hopefully with her it will be the wakeup call she needs to get help.

    You may not get back together - personally unless she admits and gets help I don't think you should but right this minute I think you need to take a stand just to save your own sanity and get a breather.
    Life and love is tough enough with sickness and other issues without a headwrecker like this destroying your sense of self (and your sense of what is appropriate + your career).


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    #48
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    It's interesting OP that you call her your soulmate. I think you misunderstand the meaning of soul mate. Someone who conducts such toxic behaviour and disrespect to you is not a soul mate. Soul mates are fairly rare companions that you enjoy an almost near perfect relationship with in almost every way (mutual respect, shared beliefs and outlooks, humour and personality, sexual chemistry, romance, absolute trust). Most of these attributes seem to be lacking from what you've described. In fact many relationships may lack a lot of those attributes but would still be a lot healthier than what you've described.

    I fear that you seem to make so many allowances for her because of her beauty. The fact you over-describe and keep repeating about her looks, even when it's not relevant to most of your problems with her, suggests that having the trophy girlfriend is clouding your judgement. You need to decide what is more important to you - having a girlfriend who trusts you and respects your boundaries and respects you -period....or someone who will not do any of that but causes all the guys to look at you with envy and gives you a shallow sense of accomplishment or that you have "scored big time". If you have healthy self esteem, the decision (and the genuine score) should be obvious.


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    #49
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    So domestic violence is to be tolerated and endured if the perpetrator is goodlooking then OP?

    But she is not gorgeous. There is a pretty shell there with seething anger, insecurity, hate and jealousy inside. She is ugly inside. There is nothing beautiful about that.


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    #50
    Fentdog84
    Registered Users Posts: 936 ✭✭✭Fentdog84


    tbh op it says alot about your own values when the overriding factor for you is her physical prowess. It shows your own insecurities that you need this kind of ego boost/status, and everything else is secondary.perhaps she knows this and maybe its making her feel even more insecure. Of course its important to find someone attractive, but attraction is all about perception. I dont really believe in this 'super-hot' concept. Its a manipulated form of attractiveness usually done for commercial or narcissistic purposes. its not really real. I think your only deluding yourself.


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    #51
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    To be fair to the OP I think his various acknowledgements of his girlfriends beauty was his way of illustrating that she doesn't need to be so insecure rather than him making excuses for staying with her because she happens to be beautiful.
    That kind of humiliating behaviour towards you is so disrespectful and boarder line abusive op. If you are unwilling to break up with her you need to encourage her to seek help.


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    #52
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, I've recently (one month actually) come out of a relationship that sounds incredibly like your own.

    I'm 31, she's 27. She is a stunning girl, and gets attention everywhere she goes. We were going out 2.5 years and only living together 7 months. We were very much in love with each other, but there were some pretty big issues under it all.

    Her previous bf cheated on her (6 months or so before we started seeing each other) and she seemed to carry all of this into our relationship.

    - She actually brought up in conversation how she doesn't understand why I might actually talk to people I don't already know on nights out.
    - After nights out with my friends, she'd repeatedly ask if I spoke to any women that night.
    - About 2 years ago a new girl started in my office, and I hadn't met her yet. My first time meeting her was in a pub when I was with my gf, and other colleagues introduced us. Afterwards, my gf almost actually started a fight with me, because of how I smiled and was so friendly towards her. She was saying things like 'what if you work close together and end up liking each other'. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this because this new girl was good looking. Funnily, my gf couldn't remember getting introduced to the other girl in my office that night (who wouldn't be regarded as glamorous).
    - Didn't understand why I'd ever want to go out of the country with friends for any reason
    - On 6 or 7 occasions while out alone on nights out, she actually asked me "Well do you just want to go and stand over there altogether, since you keep looking over there?". Again, these outbursts destroyed nights/weekends spent away together.
    - At xmas I was in Dublin with mates for a night out. I was supposed to stay with a friend, who ended up leaving early, going home and falling asleep. I had no key, so was locked out and after trying others, eventually had to book into a hotel. She could not get over that something like this could happen, and she basically didn't speak to me for a 4 days.

    I could no longer fully relax when spending any time with just my friends.


    She always tried to find a way to not trust me, as one of the original replies to you mentioned. What ended our relationship was by me actually doing the first tangible thing that may question trust etc. After a few of these outbursts, I was furious and logged into Tinder, that dating app thing, probably a little disillusioned as to wtf was going on with myself and herself.

    Long story short, two of her friends saw that I had logged in over several months (I probably spent 5-6 mins of my life on the thing - my profile photo was me and her and I never spoke to anyone on it or even 'liked' another person to get matched).

    Where I'm going with this is.........that may have been the best thing I've done.

    Anyone who I explain the situation to said that if it wasn't Tinder, it would have been something else in a few months/years etc. The trust thing was never going to disappear. I was sorry that I didn't demand professional help at the first few signs, but I'm beginning to doubt any of that would have helped.

    To me, it's now evident my girlfriend wanted a guy who was crazy about her, and that she was attracted to.......but that nobody else wanted anything to do with. There may be guys out there like that, I'm sure there is a queue at her door already to be honest, but that guy is not me.

    She effectively ended it because I looked at something a few times that I should not have. Regardless of my excuses in those occasions, I think it's best we are over.

    I never would have had any peace. I do miss her because apart from the jealous rages (and her incessant need to talk about marriage), we got on incredibly well and we well matched. It's just that when I had any interactions with the outside world, it always became an event.


    It sounds like you are suffering much of the same and I'd be pretty confident in telling you that it should end, unless professional help can sort things beforehand.


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    #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just to add to my (already ridiculously long) post above:

    I was aware from early on that my gf was fairly insecure in herself. I genuinely went out of my way to try to cater for this. It felt like I was stepping on egg shells though, and any time we were out in the company of others, particularly with alcohol on-board, there was an 80% chance of something 'coming up' in conversation.

    Aside from how gorgeous she was, I did actually like the person she was 'most' of the time. Kind,caring, good family values etc etc.

    But she was pushing me further away from her with each outburst. It was beginning to become insufferable. It's funny in that it has now ended with her probably telling all of her family and friends that I'm all over these dating sites and I'm some internet perv, where it couldn't be further from the truth. I never wanted to be with another girl in the 2.5 years I was with her, but in a roundabout way.......all these events have transpired to make it perfectly clear we are not compatible.

    She either needs to find a doormat boyfriend or else needs to get help.


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    #54
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,142 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    i posted yesterday but it seems to have disappeared so apologies if i'm posting the same stuff twice.

    In short, your gf is a nightmare & you can delude yourself all you like that you're the envy of every other man out there but I doubt it. she's making $hit of your professional image; why on god's earth would you entertain even one of these incidents?

    Secondly, you don't sound too in love yourself; bragging & bragging about her looks. why would we care if she's a model? I have had multiple friends over the years who have also made money for their looks & they are still people with personalities required for functioning relationships.

    It's clear your girlfriend is massively insecure - she probably values herself purely on her looks which have most likely faded a little and will continue to do so. If that's all she believes she has going for her then how could she have any confidence? Then unsurprisingly, she finds a guy who also values her only for her looks.

    There is so much wrong with your relationship I don't even know where to begin with advising how to fix it; what do you even want to fix? you want your girlfriend to have a different personality because you like how she looks. It's not going to happen. It would be like me posting about my uber rich boyfriend who controls what I wear and doesn't let me work but I just wished & wished he was different because I like showing off to my friends all the things he buys me.

    As you've stated you won't leave her then you will have to accept her for the OTT insecure princess she is.


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    #55
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Op it seems like your girlfriend is mentally abusing you.

    Everybody has a right to not be harassed. To privacy. To dignity.

    Why do you think you don't?

    This quiz is traditionally for women, but give it a go. http://www.2in2u.ie/mobile.asp

    Maybe give these guys a call too http://www.amen.ie/what_men_should_do.html

    I'm not trying to be dramatic, but you have to remember that relationship abuse or manipulation does not start with a kicking. It starts by undermining, by manipulating. It works on making you think you deserve it or encouraged it.

    Honestly, would you like your best mate or sister to be treated this way?


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    #56
    SpaceTime
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,088 ✭✭✭SpaceTime


    Honestly, life is too short to spend years dealing with stuff like that.

    OP: find someone who makes you happy, not someone who makes you walk on eggshells.


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    #57
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You sound very immature. Your girlfriend is beautiful and I am sure you think that your friends think how lucky you are to have met her. The reality is they think what is he doing with this girl - she is a nut job. Your are putting her up with her actions and the fact she treats you like rubbish because she is so good looking. The reality is that she might look good but behind the mask there is nothing there.

    She is reading your emails, checking your text messages and asking you to empty your pockets after a night out. Are you checking up on her as much because if you were doing this to a woman she dump you and be getting a barring order against you.
    She went to your place of work to have an argument with you because you did not return her call.

    She then turned up at a works do, drunk, which she was not invited to and made a show of you. The reality is your business partners, your boss and your co workers saw her in action and long term they will remember this. How would you feel if you did not get the promotion you expected because of her actions?

    I will give you an idea of what your life will be like with her long term.
    She will continue to treat you like bold child. You will have to do every thing she wants. No matter what you do for her it will never be enough. As her looks fade she will get worse in regards to her insecurity and will expect you to pay for botox and plastic surgery.

    This woman has no personality, lacks trust and lacks what I would call the ability to control what she says or her actions. The reality is that as a adult you need to know how to treat people with common decency and respect rather that getting into a rage when things are not going your way.

    In your case I would tell her that your relationship is over and your not going to marry her. Tell her that you have not cheated on her.
    I would then say to her the last straw for me was you turning up to a works do you where not invited to drunk and making a show of me in front of the business partners, my boss and the people I work with but this was not the first time they saw you in action.
    I would then tell her that it is to late for her to change to keep your relationship but she needs to get counselling in regards to her anger, control issues and immaturity.

    You have been given a warning of what she is really like and all of the post here have told you to run a mile away from this woman.


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    #58
    WesternZulu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,924 ✭✭✭WesternZulu


    I was in a relationship that sounds incredibly like your one OP.

    Felt I was walking in eggshells most of the time, in constant fear of triggering another outburst.
    She was a lovely girl but has trust and anger issues which slowly sucked any joy I got from the relationship.

    I ended it, and even though at the time I wasn't 100% sure whether or not I did the right thing I knew deep down that things were never going to get any better.

    The thing is, even though you (like I did) realise things are bad and not how a relationship should be...it's not till you break up and take a step back that you'll realise how f***ed up the whole thing is!

    Call it a day, you'll be happier for it.


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    #59
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    You're not the first guy to put up with someone being an unbelievable bitch to them because they have a pretty face and a nice body because it made them feel good about themselves to be with someone like that. This is anecdotal obviously, so take it for what it is, but in every similar case I can think of over the years, (and I genuinely did have a think back about this) eventually the girl turns around one day and dumps the guy out of the blue. Selfish people are like that, ye know?. Plenty of beautiful women out there that are also good people. Why settle for one of the bitches? It's a bit of a cliche, but sounds like you have some major self esteem issues if you are willing to put up with someone basically running rough shod over you just because they are pleasing on the eye. Again, just anecdotal, but in the cases above we were never thinking "wow, he's so lucky to be with her with her being so attractive", was always more along the lines of "jesus, bit of a loser to put up with that just because she's kinda hot".


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    #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP.
    If you liken it to a sort of situation. Because it all boils down to 1 thing. Your choices.

    Its like buying or investing in a huge beautiful house, with all the bells and whistles. Bought, prehaps, maybe, to show off. Its not really a good investment on paper. But you are swept up by it. Swept up by its beautiful kitchen etc. Through these notions, youre after investing a lot in it. But the lovely house is now a huge mortgage and its shoddily built. There are huge cracks now showing. Out of your control. Its making it hard to live there. The foundations arent right.

    Is a beautiful house on the outside, riddled with dangerous cracks, and huge mortgage/investment worth persevering with?

    Do you try fix whats wrong with the house crack by crack, bit of polly-filler, only for more to show? The house will eventually be irrepairable.

    Do you hand the keys back, see the house for what it is, cant take anymore, take the hit, and move on?

    Or, do you look at the house, look at the foundations. Get someone to fix the foundations. And (try) restructure your mortgage.

    Life is all about choices. Youre only making it as hard as you want it/choose it to be.


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