My parents think its all "just a phase"?

jobbridge4life · 31-08-2015 6:47pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ahh here, 12-14 is about the time puberty kicks in for people, that's not "from a very early age" in fairness. The "from a very early age" gave the impression you were referring to pre-pubescent children, as opposed to pubescent teenagers.

In fairness I think most of us were talking about or with reference to a 17 year old, username mattP.

One eyed Jack · 31-08-2015 6:58pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You can explore the issue without being dismissive. I had a very in depth conversation with my daughter when she came out, I asked all the wrong questions but not with my head in the sand in complete denial. It's possible to address it being a possible phase without offending anyone. Like it or not they will have to find a way to get over it if they want to keep their son.

Truth be told, I'd like to see the whole family work it out amongst themselves without the need for an intermediary or counselling. That's why I said earlier that the OP and his parents, need to show each other some understanding and cut each other some slack. Like you said - you asked all the wrong questions, but your daughter knows you meant well.

I don't bury my head in the sand about these things either, and my son knows the people I work with who have made some shall we say, "unconventional" career choices. He knows what they do for a living, but they teach him all about their languages and cultures and history and so on. He sees them as people, rather than what they do for a living. He's not particularly interested in sex and sexuality tbh. Feels a bit odd when I say that because right now I'm reading these three books at the moment -

Prostitution and Irish Society, 1800–1940
Occasions of Sin: Sex and Society in Modern Ireland
Sex Life: How Our Sexual Experiences Define Who We Are.

Hardly burying my head in the sand :pac:

He's not going to change. This is their opportunity to stand up and be there for him. If they don't take it they are fools.

See this is it - how does anyone here know that? We've already had one poster use the rather crude and derogatory IMO "hasbians" to refer to women who once identified as lesbian, and now no longer identified as lesbian. I've met many people who once identified one way, and then later identified another. It's not just my personal experience that taught me sexuality and sexual identity is not just a spectrum, but it's not even a rigid spectrum. To have people live up to an identity once they "come out", is like putting just as much pressure on someone to come out in the first place.

That's why I hate sometimes when people say "you're straight so your opinion is irrelevant"...

Really? I mean, really? I would have imagined some people would know better, especially those who were once in the closet themselves.

eviltwin · 31-08-2015 7:04pm

Maybe he will change but that should happen organically and not because he's under pressure from the people around him. The fact they are having a hard time with this is their problem not his. They have to work that out for themselves. I don't know what he can do to put their mind at ease tbh.

One eyed Jack · 31-08-2015 7:11pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Maybe he will change but that should happen organically and not because he's under pressure from the people around him. The fact they are having a hard time with this is their problem not his. They have to work that out for themselves. I don't know what he can do to put their mind at ease tbh.

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

eviltwin · 31-08-2015 7:21pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

I really hope it's not so bad they may ask him to leave home for being gay. He hasn't given that impression. I don't think anybody could understand or defend that. I'd be disgusted if someone I knew treated their child like that.

mattP · 31-08-2015 7:37pm

One eyed Jack wrote:

The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

eviltwin · 31-08-2015 7:39pm

One eyed Jack wrote: »

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

Question. Would you be as understanding if the person with the problem was his sibling or a friend?

One eyed Jack · 31-08-2015 7:53pm

mattP wrote: »

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

You did the same in another thread on here yesterday and surprised me with your maturity!

Tbh that's going to be far more useful than that running your parents down online or allowing anyone else online to run your parents down. They're your family, and you're their family, and that's the most important thing to remember, because your parents will still be there in 20 years time when we've all moved on.

I think it's great too that you're going to be concentrating on your studies for the year ahead and yourself and your boyfriend are putting your studies ahead of your relationship. It's showing your parents that you can actually be responsible and mature about this, which will in turn alleviate their fears that you might have started to neglect your studies.

It's an important aspect to reinforce that with them if you haven't done already and reassure them that you're still the same person after informing them, as you were before informing them.

One eyed Jack · 31-08-2015 7:56pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Question. Would you be as understanding if the person with the problem was his sibling or a friend?

I always try and show understanding for where everyone is coming from tbh, which is exactly why I'm always reluctant to pass judgment on people too quickly without having access to all the facts and context and so on.

Banbha32 · 02-09-2015 5:41pm

Hey Matt

i just read your post and some other comments on lgbt related topics too and you seem very level headed and mature for 17 so well done on coming out so young it takes a lot of courage! I only wish I could speak to my 17 year old self now (ten years later!) and assure myself its all ok. Your parents will come around they always do. You must have a lot on your mind with finishing school age and the leaving cert and everything else aswell so dont let your orientation worry you more than it needs to. You have accepted it fully yourself and seem happy so keep it up. It will get easier

Babaro · 20-10-2015 12:30am

looksee wrote: »

mattP, you are not being persecuted. You find your parents' efforts to cope with your news to be distressing and hurtful, you have had time to think about the whole situation and work out how you feel about it. They have not. ...

I don't post here a whole lot, I prefer to read, but I just wanted to jump in and say that - as a gay man who isn't out to my family other than my brother - this is the best post I've ever read on this forum.

Labreya · 20-10-2015 11:56am

First, I'm going to give you my personal experience, to give you some perspective on where I'm coming from. Then, I'm going to give you my advice.

I had the exact same experience when I came out to my parents. It was "just a phase" and I was "doing it to hurt them". The reality is that years down the line they admitted that at the time it was just a huge shock to the system. They'd had this idea of me growing up, having a wife, having kids and all that, and then suddenly I'd walked in and gone "That little dream for the future? It's gone, dude.".

It took a few years, therapy sessions, meeting my boyfriend (who also lived a bit of a distance away) and sometimes a bit of locking horns, but we all live our lives happy and together now. We went from them never wanting to hear about it and being angry and upset when meeting my boyfriend for the first time to seeing him as one of the family now and saying how happy they are for us.

You're clearly a sensible guy, and from reading your posts you're pretty much doing what they're probably doing. You're trying to come to terms with their feelings on the situation and, while you want to be supportive of them, you feel like what they're doing is just hurting you.

It's hard, but I'd say your parents really do love you, and are just trying to understand a situation that came out of goddamn nowhere for them. Like you said yourself, when you realised and came to terms with being gay, you were shocked and upset. You got passed it, and with a few years you've accepted it and matured and are now clearly a decent, well rounded person for it.

Now for the advice. This thread is FULL of anecdotal opinions loaded with bias due to personal experience. Your parents are YOUR parents. YOU know them better than we do, so it's up to YOU where all this goes in the end. You can read comments until the cows come home on here and watch random people swing verbal jabs back and forth about your relationship, but remember that it's YOUR relationship and they're YOUR parents. It's up to YOU how much of a chance you give them, and when to tag out. Do what you feel is best for you, but be aware of what the lasting results will be for your life.

You do you. At the end of the day, we're all just speculative advice. Make your own decision, don't make one of ours and try and shoehorn it into your own life. Judging by your posts though, I think you'll handle this.

mattP · 20-10-2015 5:36pm

That was an really insightful response, Labreya :P
Its been fairly good since August. They treat me the same as before, except if the topic comes up, usually then they get ticked off fairly fast, or make an effusive display of their okayness with it.
One thing that really hurt though was when one day I went for a jog, but my ipod ran out of battery so I came home early to hear them discussing me in the kitchen. They didn't know I was there and spoke openly for a while about their fears and prejudices. Being deeply wounded the next day I ditched school for a bus to see my boyfriend and spurned a few lies to my parents as to why I would be home from school later than usual - I know it was "bad" but being a "good" person I needed the outlet and honestly it was an amazing day and I would do it again. The silent victories are the sweetest

Ive kind of come to terms with our differences. I get that they just cant comprehend it, but they've been treating me well and said they will continue to do so when I come out to everybody. That's what matters I suppose. To be fair its visible that they are trying.

mattP · 05-12-2015 3:43pm

Just an update for those who care

I wanted to do it here because like I've been in bad places, and I think at least if someone else reads this they know it had a happy ending and I hope it gives them a little hope

It didn't work out with the first guy, as much as I wanted it to. We were incompatible and the distance was a real killer, but we needed each other at the time and we both had a positive effect on each other or at least id like to think so

And to this day I can not look at a pear without being reminded of him, euuughhhh haha
A few weeks back I met a great guy, who so happens to be out. I really love him, and even if it doesn't last forever with him I'm really enjoying being with him and he's proved a good influence on me. Hes been trying to nudge me out of the closet and he did, but more on that in a while

I was too afraid to come out because of how people would react, and I imagined they would react horribly because they didn't know any gay people, and were just afraid of what they didn't know.
The other day we watched some lgbt movies/shows, one that particularly touched me was "Milk" - its about a man campaigning for gay rights in the US. He urged lgbt people to come out for the following reason and it really had an affect on me - People are afraid of gays because they don't know any, and gays are afraid to come out because people are afraid of them. It takes one person to break the cycle, to come out, to show straight people how normal we all are and to show gays that its okay.
I realised that my life is actually really good and I've a lot going for me, so I bit the bullet. Last night we had the staff Christmas party where I work, I was talking to them beforehand and they were bringing their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives - those that had them anyway. So.... I brought mine. It was hard to do, to bring myself to it, but at the same time I really really wanted that relief. Relief of not having to watch my tongue all the time or being afraid to look "too" happy when with him in public. I made sure to get in as many pictures and stories as possible with him

I wanted to get it out there - so people would know im gay first off and secondly so that closeted people that do see get hope at the sheer normality of it

God I've spent so long reading this over and over, its so personal it feels like a diary entry or something

I just hope my experiences can be a benefit to others, that's one thing I love about being gay, there is a huge sense of community between us all

Ten of Swords · 05-12-2015 3:55pm

Congratulations, well done

eviltwin · 05-12-2015 4:36pm

What a lovely update. I hope things are improving with your parents too. Thanks for posting.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 05-12-2015 8:31pm

mattP wrote: »

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

You say you were gutted and would have killed to be straight, so have obviously given yourself time to digest the realisation and embrace being gay. Yet you expect your parents to accept it immediately. That's not fair.

I know what it's like to have a family member come out. It's tough. Not because I'm anti-gay, but because I realise the likelihood that parts of their life will be that much harder for them. If I could change places with them, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Give your parents time and space. You say they are making comments to you. If I was a betting woman, I'd say you probably aren't biting your tongue yourself. Let your parents stew. Allow them to process this and most of all remember they love you.

mattP · 05-12-2015 11:17pm

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote:

Give your parents time and space. You say they are making comments to you. If I was a betting woman, I'd say you probably aren't biting your tongue yourself. Let your parents stew. Allow them to process this and most of all remember they love you.

We've reached an agreement on it, an unspoken one anyway. They make little steps to take it on board, and I try be considerate regarding my boyfriend and affection when theyre around. Baby steps but we're getting there:o

My parents think its all "just a phase"?

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