General Opinion Needed

Thank you. It always made me feel upset / frustrated and conflicted that my parents thought it was acceptable behaviour. It caused me a lot of hurt growing up. Inside i felt it was bad but my family around me acted like it was normal. At times i started to think i must have deserved it, or that all families were that way, until i realised more and more that my friends & people that heard about it thought it was messed up.
Another thing that made it so hard was the fact that it wa sonly me that got that kind of treatment, my brothers never did, neither did my sister...and if i was in the room with my mother and she was ignoring me while i tried to get her to respond and one of my siblings came by, she would simply turn her attention to them and start a conversation with them like i was invisible. Then the ususal thing of my mum shouting for my dad and saying "get her out of here" would happen, and because i would cry and get upset and shout that i did nothing wrong and why are you doing this to me, i would always appear to be the one "causing the trouble"...the person making the most noise always gets the finger pointed at them.
I think this attitude towards me from my parents, and a lot from my dad really hurt my sense of self-worth. I used to feel like my dad didnt love me like he loved my mum because he always did what she said without considering me.

Thanks for listening.

Niamho! wrote: »

it sounds really dodgy to me. it sounds like they're all picking on you for whatever reason. Were you any way troublesome kid no? ...not that that would justify all the stuff you talked about.
I dont understand that. what kind of things would be being spoken about or what kind of things would you be doing to get the reaction from your mam?? i dont get that. why your mam would say, "I dont wanna deal with her" unless you were being Really out of control or something, or having a major row....

Hi Niamh, no i wasnt a troublesome kid, maybe a bit giggly / giddy sometimes thats about it. I NEVER tried to cause trouble or rows, and id never, even now, ever try to p**s off my siblings, im quite a sensitive person.
The only think my mum has ever said about why i bugged her / why she treated me that way, was because she thought i had more "advantages" in life than the others.
Im not dyslexic and my siblings are. I always achieved well in school and the others not so much. She thought i was smarter, and she also thought i got the best deal looks-wise. I think this is why she put me down so much.
They left on a few rare occassions for days out when i was young, and left me behind on my own, simply because my mum would say "I wont have a good time if she comes with us".
I guess my only fault was asking questions a lot, i was always quite inquisitive, and i questioned things a lot too. But i think thats just a sign of intelligence when youre growing up??... My mum is quite controlling. I think maybe she found me to be a bit more of a battle to instill certain ways of thinking. I always question things that to me dont seem right ot dont quite fit right with me. Thats about it.
Plus my sister was very jealous of me growing up, as in primary school years. I think mum related to her and for that reason put me down a lot.
Thanks for the support everyone.

Ps: My brother is rather like me, he's a bit sensitive and sees the unhealthy things in our family. I think my parents dont show him enough love / affection as he's said things to me when he was drunk like "our parents never hug us". He's been to psychiatrists, went on anti-depressants which he just abused and over dosed on, used to self harm a lot, he was put in st. Pats but got out, and all my parents do is cook him meals give him lifts and let him do what he wants.

Thanks Bricriu.
Say up until about 2 years ago my self esteem was quite low, in certain ways, more than it is now. I did used to feel like my worth was not as much as other peoples, and would sacrafice myself a lot for others, even my sister who never reciprocates the support i give her.
Its only recently that ive become more confident in myself as a person through my friends and other people, that ive been able to be stronger in coming out with this stuff...i used to think maybe it was acceptable or that maybe i deserved it and really was just annoying like my mother says.

Only thing is, now that im an adult, it feels a bit shameful to be going on like "my parents did this, my parents did that"...sometimes i get embarrassed because i feel the general idea is that its childish to give out about your folks.

Yeah i totally agree that if i ever had kids i would be a bit more aware, lets say, of the kind of things that can really affect them growing up. When their entire world + all they know is their family, and the relationships in their family is all that defines who they are.

Hi Miss Fluff, yeah it is better because i dont see them that often but when i do i still get the same treatment off my mum. My dad hasnt been aggressive with me for about 2 years so thats ok but he sides with my mum all the time.
At xmas she did actually do 2 things that upset me. 1st thing on st. stephens night she was giving me & sis & bro a lift into the town to go out so we didnt have to get taxis and so my sister who drives could drink. While we were getting ready i was walking around the house putting make up, on drinking, getting changed etc and i was listening to my ipod. When we were going to the door to get in the car i still had my earphones in but my ipod wasnt playing. My mum said to me take those things out youre so ignorant going around the house with them in your ears, i said that it wasnt playing, that i just hadnt taken it off yet and what was the harm as i could still hear her. So off we went to the car, minus my mum. After a few minutes my brother said he was going to see where mum was. He went in to find her sitting in a chair in a huff saying she wasnt going anywhere until i put my ipod in the house. I went in and explained that it was in my bad now and thats where it always is (i always ALWAYS have my ipod with me) but she wasnt backing down. I told her she was being ridiculous. My brother and sister went mad so she said ok ill take you, but were not taking her!
Me and my dad went out into the drive where my mum was proceeding to drive away and he said "whats going on" She said, im not taking her because shes an "ignorant cow!!" and drove off without me. My dad then said he'd take me in, thank god he wasnt drinking.

Then a few nights later, 28th / 29th my mum collected me and my sister from town after a few drinks, my sister didnt want to pay for a taxi. She gave me such crap on the way home in the car over my brother saying it was my fault he drinks and i was a liar and a s**t stirrer because i wouldnt back up something she was rowing with him about before we ledt for town, that i was b**ch of te 1st degree, and a total cow etc etc... Then on entering the house me and sister were wearing stillettos which we arent allowed wear on her wooden floors, sister went in before me and tip-toed across into the bedroom so i followed her and tip-toed so as not to mark the floor with my heels, and my mum basically ran at me, punched me hard in the back causing me to fall into the room head first through the door, and called me a selfish b**ch and how DARE i walk on her floors in my shoes!!!

I just stood back up, laughed at how seriously amazed i was, ate my takeaway and went to bed. That was that. My sister said nothing.

WOW, im blown away by the amount of supportive messages this morning, thank you all so much, you have no idea how much each one of them is helping!!!

Pretty much all of what is said i have thought about a lot deep down but always questioned it because ive never really had anyone come out and say "yes you are right to be upset, its ok, its NOT YOU", and growing up you think your parents are right about everything. Even telling the counsellor things was more just a listening ear and i only ended up feeling so ashamed by my stories, especially if i cried over them.

Intothesea wrote: »

There's nothing
much more devastating than being belittled
or casted as valueless by your own family,
particularly if you're the sort of person who
has a stronger-than-average need to love within
and belong to a harmonious family unit.

This is so true. I definitely am more of an affectionate person than the rest of my family, my aunt used to joke that i was in the wrong family as hers is very close, lots of hugs etc... I definitely prefer to be closer to people than they do except my youngest brother, the one who now has drink / drug problems. He knows i am there for him i tell him that a lot, and im the only one he really confides in with his deepest feelings. He cried one night when he was drunk and told me he thinks about suicide a lot he also cut himself numerous times, and stabbed himself all up his arm with a knife. When i told my sister she scoffed and said "He'd never do it, he's just looking for attention and playing the whole 'poor me' attitude"...that is the kind of person she is unfortunately. I also went to my mother about it as i didnt live with him and thought he needed someone to keep an eye on him, she told me i was a liar and was only "s**t stirring" because i was jealous of her relationship with him!!!
When she asked him he denied it because he didnt want her to know he had done it.
I think he needs to get out of my parents house its an unhealthy place to spend too much time. His room is filthy, i mean FILTHY and he only showers maybe once every few weeks. I think he's really depressed.

My mother suffered depression but only during pregnancy not afterwards. When i was about to be born my sister who is older went into a state of dispair because mum had never left her side before, she came out in a skin rash while mum was in hospital and didnt sleep but cried solid for 2 days, and since then has always suffered from psoriasis. I think that has caused my mum to always feel like she needs to look out for my sister over me.
My mum is also the oldest and had a younger sister that apparently i resemble looks wise and in other ways, that she was jealous of growing up, i think that might be another reason.

Sometimes when im at home i do feel like the only sane person in a house full of insane people that all think im the insane one because they're not with it! My ex boyfriend of 7 years did always tell me he thought i was incredibly strong that i turned out ok he didnt quite understand though as he had such a wonderful family, the nicest bunch of people you could ever meet, loved them to bits.

Anyway, thank you all so much for this support, its amazing!
I will plan and go for therapy once i save up the money i need to do it properly.

Well my sister is definitely along the same lines as my mother. She goes to her for everything be it "what should i wear out?" to "should i take this job or not?", mum likes being in control that way. My sister also gets all her points of view from my mum, she listens to everything she says like its gospel. My sister cant really think outside the box that much, she thinks that our parents are the way all parents are or should be and will never accept that they have done anything wrong, only very very recently will she admit to some things mum says being not 100% valid, she's 28. She is also very selfish a a result of our upbringings. She will rarely do anything for anyone else, and if she does she will moan about it. She does things such as refuse lifts to town even if shes driving and the rest of the car is free, by her words "because you cant expect a lift from me just because im going the same way"! She also repeats hurtful things my mother says about me even if they are untrue, so i never get any support from her, in fact if mum has a go at me she ususally joins in for the fun of 'being on the winning side of a battle' type of thing.

My brother also, the one that gets violent, he really cant think for himself at all, he is so insecure and paranoid, my mother pretty much controls everything he does & thinks. She'll tell him how much drink he should drink, what clothes to wear, what jobs to apply for, she'll even write up his CV for him and his cover letters, he rings her for everything, one time my boyfriend was in my house and over heard him calling my mother at work to ask her how hot the water should be when filling a hot water bottle!!! He's 24! He lives at home too but he is not affected the way the younger brother is. He lives and breaths what my mother tells him. If my mother says for example that she wont give me a lift because my ipod is in my bag not in the house as at xmas, he will say "well you shouldnt have had it in your bag" simply because its what mum says. He's not the brightest person to be honest though i do love him to bits. He's not very smart, people tend to think he's a bit simple.
It annoys me to see his confidence get knocked like it does. If he has an opinion about anything, be it a song he likes, and he says "I like this song"...if the response from my mother or sister is "What? That song is c**p!" he will instantly say "Oh yeah its not that good actually i dont really like it" Its frustrating to see because as my brother i want him to be confident and strong. And if i try to help by saying "look you can have that opinion if its what you think" he will ususally tell me to shut up because its the norm, or else say no he does just agree with my sister, just because she is so dominating and bullied him a lot growing up.

Thanks, yeah i tried to talk my brother into going to counselling but he is set on never going to see one, he thinks they wont understand him, and he feels patronised.
I even said id go and would he just accompany me, just so he sees its not that bad and get him used to the environment of opening up.

He was in st. pats for a week or 2 but he wouldnt go to rehab classes or alcoholism classes that the psychiatrist told him to attend, and eventually my parents just signed him out, after what i think was definitely not a long enough stint in there with professionals around.
He also feels like he doesnt have a problem with drink or drugs. I think until he realises he DOES have a problem then theres not much i can do except stand by him and try to support him.

Thanks Overheal.
He knows he has a problem, but he thinks the people around him are the problem, that they have the problem not him. And he doesnt see that the drink or self harms as a result is a problem. Does that make sense? :-/
He doesnt think his drinking is excessive, i reckon he thinks its proportional to how he feels and thats just the way it is...its acceptable in his eyes.

PS: Ill do that about the suicide help.