General Opinion Needed

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, going unreg for this one.
Im looking for a general opinion on something.

The question is, how appropriate / non-appropriate is it for a father to be "aggressive" towards his daughter??

Here is the background story...
While my father has never hit, punched, or slapped me, he would quite often push me around in a physical manner when i was younger, living at home & getting on my mothers nerves. By younger we are talking between ages 13 to most recently 24.
A few times (not often) he would also do things such as slam door into me, on one occassion directly into my bare feet, throw things at me including large outside bins, and generally grab & smash me into things or "throw me around" as such, which would physically hurt me. The majority of the time though, im talking most days of the week, 5 out of 7, he would just "physically remove me" from my mothers presence if she wasnt happy with me being in her company. While it didnt hurt me as such, i always felt like my father shouldnt really be handlilng me that way. He would lift and throw me / push me into my room on my mothers request, when she "didnt feel like dealing" with me at that point in time.
Now i must note that i would never really be doing anything that deserved a scolding, my mother just didnt like my company and would sometimes simply point blank ignore me if i tried to speak to her, and then call my father in and tell him "get her out of here" to which i would respond by saying "but i havent done anything wrong!!" and my father would respond by "physically removing me" from the room and throwing into my bedroom and slamming the door.
My brother has also been "aggressive" towards me in somewhat similar ways, hitting me, physically pushing me / throwing me hard into surfaces, pushing me to the ground kicking me etc... but my parents response was only ever "well you must have been annoying him".

This to me always felt really bad, it really made me feel hurt and unloved when i was growing up, and i always felt a bit vuneravble / violated over my father handling me that way...but my family never felt this was an issue.

So my question is this:
Do people out there think this was acceptable behaviour from a father, or was i right to feel hurt by it and feel that something was wrong in that picture??

missmatty

Hey,

That is completely unacceptable behaviour. You seem to have an abusive family, I'm sorry to say. Your mother doesn't sound very nice either! Just remember it's not your fault, and if you still live at home you should definitely move out and distance yourself from these people.

Oh, and a bit of counselling would do no harm either

Take care.

LegacyUser

Thank you. It always made me feel upset / frustrated and conflicted that my parents thought it was acceptable behaviour. It caused me a lot of hurt growing up. Inside i felt it was bad but my family around me acted like it was normal. At times i started to think i must have deserved it, or that all families were that way, until i realised more and more that my friends & people that heard about it thought it was messed up.
Another thing that made it so hard was the fact that it wa sonly me that got that kind of treatment, my brothers never did, neither did my sister...and if i was in the room with my mother and she was ignoring me while i tried to get her to respond and one of my siblings came by, she would simply turn her attention to them and start a conversation with them like i was invisible. Then the ususal thing of my mum shouting for my dad and saying "get her out of here" would happen, and because i would cry and get upset and shout that i did nothing wrong and why are you doing this to me, i would always appear to be the one "causing the trouble"...the person making the most noise always gets the finger pointed at them.
I think this attitude towards me from my parents, and a lot from my dad really hurt my sense of self-worth. I used to feel like my dad didnt love me like he loved my mum because he always did what she said without considering me.

Thanks for listening.

denhaagenite

As stated in a previous thread, I've had a previous experience of this.

Your parents are human and some humans can be downright a**holes. Why they don't treat me like this any longer, I have a sister at home and it becomes an issue the very odd time. While I know she is a teenager and can be very selfish- the situation is complicated by an ill family member- there is no excuse for this and they know it.

Before you do anything, talk to your siblings. I find that there are bits and pieces that they know and I don't and vice versa and it helps to have that insight. As well as that they probably have the exact same thoughts and feelings as you. While you wouldn't say I am close to my brothers and sisters in a conventional way I know we would be lost without eachother.

Good luck with this but remember violence is disgusting and unacceptable ESPECIALLY when it is a parent inflicting it on a child.

Dizzyblonde

Your father's behaviour was completely unacceptable and wrong - and your mother's was just as bad because she knew what she was doing would cause your father to do those things. Your brother learnt from your father, and probably thinks he can do the same.
You're worth far more than the treatment they gave you, and I hope you deal with this and move on to a life filled with happiness. You deserve it.

LegacyUser

I did think that my brother learnt that behaviour off my father. He seemed to think that if i was doing something he "didnt particularily like" it gave him the right to be violent towards me. And again he would only be this way with me, not my sister.
My mother used to also say things to him if i tried to speak to him when we were younger, say ages 12-20 like "dont talk to her, she will only try to annoy you or get at you" for no justifiable reason, anything from asking him if he had steak for dinner to "how was school today?". I think it has added to him becoming very paranoid now in later life (he's 24).
I have also heard stories from my cousin of him being violent to other girls in general due to paranoia, ie: how they respond to his attempts to talk to them.
When i tried to tell my parents about my concerns i was told to mind my own business.
On holidays he became violent and smashed up a pool-side chair and got charged money by the hotel, my parents put it down to drink.
I think my parents are in denial. My sister also goes into denial mode so i cant bring up the issue with her...she tries to protect our parents as she doesnt want to admit they did some bad parenting.

Thanks to everyone for listening. I really have never talked so much about this before because my family have always made me feel like i was over -reacting / being pathetic when i did.

denhaagenite

Well, I would say, if you're old enough, just move out. Just leave. Do let your brother and sister know where they can reach you just in case. Even if you're in college or thinking about it, you can talk to the students union there and they'll help you out. Money is never a big enough problem to stay in a situation like this. I had a couple of years of poverty and I never got to go to college in the end but I will some day. I've never looked back and I even have a sort of relationship with my parents now. As for my sister, she will have to make a decision at some point but when the time comes she'll have the support from me that I got from my older siblings.
If you're not old enough, talk to a social worker. Not sure how you would do that where you are but I was referred from the job centre that I went to. Or maybe if you have a relative that you're close to you could stay with them?

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for that.

I am older now, and i dont actually live at home anymore (thank god).
Its just something that has always been burning inside me and causes me to get incredibly upset sometimes over small things, dis-proportionally to the thing upsetting me, especially when its criticism from people i care about. I think its due to this stuff and the hurt from it being built up inside me, and feeling like i never really got justification or relief over it, and never really had anyone seriously say to me "Yes it was wrong. Yes you were right to feel upset by it"...I used to wonder a lot whether i was being too sensitive!

Mainly by this post i just wanted to know if i was right to feel so upset at that kind of treatment, or if the general concensus was that it was acceptable within families.

I think i will definitely consider counselling.

Niamho!

it sounds really dodgy to me. it sounds like they're all picking on you for whatever reason. Were you any way troublesome kid no? ...not that that would justify all the stuff you talked about.
I dont understand that. what kind of things would be being spoken about or what kind of things would you be doing to get the reaction from your mam?? i dont get that. why your mam would say, "I dont wanna deal with her" unless you were being Really out of control or something, or having a major row....

Trinity

Thats a shocking way for any parent to treat a child and i can only imagine how hurtful it is/was for you as a child.

I can well imagine your confidence and feeling of self worth being at a low. Anybodys would be.

I think you could try counselling, maybe you do not want to. But either way i do suggest you confront your parents. The reason i suggest counselling first is to give you some useful tools when approaching them. They may deny it, brush you off but either way in order for you to move on you must deal with it. And confronting the person that made you feel this way is the first step to healing. Regardless of how they react, you need to get this off your chest.

You need to say to them in order to believe it inside that you did not deserve that. And better still an explanation from them would help you even more.

LegacyUser

Niamho! wrote: »

it sounds really dodgy to me. it sounds like they're all picking on you for whatever reason. Were you any way troublesome kid no? ...not that that would justify all the stuff you talked about.
I dont understand that. what kind of things would be being spoken about or what kind of things would you be doing to get the reaction from your mam?? i dont get that. why your mam would say, "I dont wanna deal with her" unless you were being Really out of control or something, or having a major row....

Hi Niamh, no i wasnt a troublesome kid, maybe a bit giggly / giddy sometimes thats about it. I NEVER tried to cause trouble or rows, and id never, even now, ever try to p**s off my siblings, im quite a sensitive person.
The only think my mum has ever said about why i bugged her / why she treated me that way, was because she thought i had more "advantages" in life than the others.
Im not dyslexic and my siblings are. I always achieved well in school and the others not so much. She thought i was smarter, and she also thought i got the best deal looks-wise. I think this is why she put me down so much.
They left on a few rare occassions for days out when i was young, and left me behind on my own, simply because my mum would say "I wont have a good time if she comes with us".
I guess my only fault was asking questions a lot, i was always quite inquisitive, and i questioned things a lot too. But i think thats just a sign of intelligence when youre growing up??... My mum is quite controlling. I think maybe she found me to be a bit more of a battle to instill certain ways of thinking. I always question things that to me dont seem right ot dont quite fit right with me. Thats about it.
Plus my sister was very jealous of me growing up, as in primary school years. I think mum related to her and for that reason put me down a lot.
Thanks for the support everyone.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

Thats a shocking way for any parent to treat a child and i can only imagine how hurtful it is/was for you as a child.

I can well imagine your confidence and feeling of self worth being at a low. Anybodys would be.

I think you could try counselling, maybe you do not want to. But either way i do suggest you confront your parents. The reason i suggest counselling first is to give you some useful tools when approaching them. They may deny it, brush you off but either way in order for you to move on you must deal with it. And confronting the person that made you feel this way is the first step to healing. Regardless of how they react, you need to get this off your chest.

You need to say to them in order to believe it inside that you did not deserve that. And better still an explanation from them would help you even more.

Thanks Trinity. I did confront my parents numerous times when they would be together in the same room together, which is only really at weekends...my dad is always in the TV room, my mum only watches TV with him on Saturday evenings. Each time i would approach the subject or approach them i would be told by my mum that the program they were watching was more important than i was and to go away.
After years of this, i mean 5/6 years, my mum told me one day, just once, to go for a walk with her, and she said i know me and your father treated you differently and it was for reasons i said above in the last post. Thinking i had more "advantages" than the others. I basically told her i thought that was not true as it is much better to have your parents support than good grades..etc.. we ended up rowing, she stormed off and it was never mentioned again.

Also when i was 17, after years of this happening, and me trying to talk to my parents about how i thought i was unhealthy, my mum told me i needed to go to counselling as this was "MY" problem. That *I* was the problem as she didnt have these "issues" with any of the others. I said no, it was *OUR* problem, and i was only going if she came too. In the end she agreed. After a few sessions and the counsellor getting both sides to the story seperately, he called us in together and tried to explain to my mum that what she was doing was harmful to my self esteem etc.. She said, "but sr., can you not see how difficult she is, if she was my husband id divorce her" and i started to cry. He said, do you not see that she is the child and you are the parent, its your behaviour thats making her upset / act out / get mad / yell?? You shouldnt say things like that. Needless to say after that session she said he was a bad counsellor and we never went back!!!

I tried going in college once about 4 years ago, i cried uncontrollably for the whole session and told the woman various things my family had done. Afterwards when i got home calmed down, i was so ashamed of crying and letting someone know how bad my family treated me at times, that i couldnt bare to see the same woman again. I never went back and avoided that building in the college for months!!!

minidazzler

Your mother and father both seems to have serious animosity towards you. Get a blood test make sure he is your father.

THis could be a major stretch but you could be a Rape Child. It would explein the animosity.

Miss Fluff

Do you have any immediate family member who is actually an ally? Your parents obviously grossly mistreated you, your brother abusive and your sister a jealous cow. Is there any other brothers or sisters who would have witnessed what went on and whom you could discuss this with?

denhaagenite

minidazzler wrote: »

Your mother and father both seems to have serious animosity towards you. Get a blood test make sure he is your father.

THis could be a major stretch but you could be a Rape Child. It would explein the animosity.

Take it easy minidazzler- it probably, as she said already, has to do with the fact that her brother and sister are dyslexic. Parents take this kind of situation in all sorts of different ways.

Don't jump to conclusions on this OP, the treatment of you was completely wrong but IMO karma has a lovely way of coming back to bite people in the ass.

ballymary

if you have to ask yourself or anyone else-if it was acceptable-that means you know yourself that it is not. nobody has a right to be physical with you like that-if a stranger did it to you in a shop or someone in work did it-you would know it was unacceptable...its even worse if your own family do it to you. you do not deserve that and do not take it...

ballymary

remember-you can choose your friends but not your family...everyone has family issues to some degree but you do not have to put up with any behaviour that makes you feel bad...if you are an adult, you can choose if and how much you want to have your family involved in your life...if you are not an adult, there are many services you can seek help from....you may also want to see a counsellor to get things off your chest??

LegacyUser

Minidazzler: No im definitely not a rape child! I look like my siblings in various ways and i have features from both parents.

My youngest brother always stood by me, he's 21 now. He doesnt get on with my parents either even though he got spoiled by my parents. Apple of my dads eye and also my mums, he never got in trouble no matter what he did, be it curse at them etc... But the situation here is that now he is pretty much an alcoholic. He is a *bit* better now but for about a year before xmas he was on the drink all day every day. He actually couldnt be sober. He still lives at home in my parents house and they pretty much ignore him. He doesnt sit with them for dinner, talk to them, or ever really see them unless theres a reason. He does drugs, he gets the dole, he stays up all night and sleeps during the day, he never leaves his room unless to get food, he used to even pee in glasses so he didnt have to use the toilet (!!!!!!) and he hardly ever go outside unless its to the pub to get more drink!!!
He is totally messed up. For this reason i cant really confide in him. I blame my parents partly for his messed up life, they ignore how unhealthy his life is and even though they live in the same house, they never ever see him or know what he does (and act like they dont care).
My fathers english so i have none of his relations around, and my mum has siblings but however much they think our relationship is messed up (they dont see or didnt ever see most of it) they keep out as they also have loyalty to her as their sister.
Apart from that i have my friends, and this forum (thanks)

LegacyUser

Ps: My brother is rather like me, he's a bit sensitive and sees the unhealthy things in our family. I think my parents dont show him enough love / affection as he's said things to me when he was drunk like "our parents never hug us". He's been to psychiatrists, went on anti-depressants which he just abused and over dosed on, used to self harm a lot, he was put in st. Pats but got out, and all my parents do is cook him meals give him lifts and let him do what he wants.

Bricriu

Your parents behaviour was outrageous and was probably seriously damaging to your self-esteem (I hope you're not offended by this, but even the online name you used is sugggestive of low self-esteem). You need psychotherapy, not counselling (as another reply suggested). Also, John Bradshaw (US psychotherapist) has issued books and DVDs about the repercussions of such 'parenting' (Google his site).

I would strongly advise you to go to psychotherapy as the repercussions of this behaviour could land you having relationships with violent partners, and could seriously stunt your life.

Bricriu

LegacyUser

Thanks Bricriu.
Say up until about 2 years ago my self esteem was quite low, in certain ways, more than it is now. I did used to feel like my worth was not as much as other peoples, and would sacrafice myself a lot for others, even my sister who never reciprocates the support i give her.
Its only recently that ive become more confident in myself as a person through my friends and other people, that ive been able to be stronger in coming out with this stuff...i used to think maybe it was acceptable or that maybe i deserved it and really was just annoying like my mother says.

Only thing is, now that im an adult, it feels a bit shameful to be going on like "my parents did this, my parents did that"...sometimes i get embarrassed because i feel the general idea is that its childish to give out about your folks.

blah

I feel pretty infuriated reading this, counselling sounds like something you should definitely do, the way you were treated was not right, you're right for feeling like you got a raw deal, my parent have never treated me like that, and wouldn't consider doing anything like that.

To be honest, if I was in your situation I would sit them all down and tell them that you no longer will be having any contact with them because of how they've treated you. But that would probably be a bit hasty.

tbh

if it helps, I would say that if you put 1000 people in your position, 999 of them would feel exactly the same way as you do. You are not over-reacting and you are not exaggerating. The treatment you got was 100% unacceptible, it's them that have the problem, not you.

hugs.

LegacyUser

I did make a stand one xmas and spend it with my then boyfriend and his family, i had a great time!!! I knew all my relations would find out i wasnt going to be home christmas day, and doing that would be considered a HUGE deal, so i knew they'd think something was serious. I just wanted them to know how upset i was by my parents.

What happened was i was living in mayo at the time with my bf, and i had gone home earlier than expected before xmas that year.
I got a weekend off in work just a week before, sat & sun, and i usually only got 2 random days off during the week (i worked in a cafe at the time in the west of ireland).
So off i set home to see my family, i wasnt supposed to see them until xmas eve.
Firstly my mum made me mime "Please" through the window before she opened the front door to me, and then once she did she said: Why was i early, no one wanted me there, my home was in west of ireland now, and shouted go away in my face numerous times.
I just said thats it, ive had enough. And i got straight on a bus and did the 4 hours back to mayo.
Xmas day all my siblings rang and told me it wasnt the same without me, but it didnt really make much difference, i gave in again and things went back to normal.

denhaagenite

Get away from them. I swear it's the only option. As I said before keep in touch with your siblings but minimal contact with your parents would be best.
Why choose to be treated like this? Parents don't always love their children and it's not the child's fault, it's just some chip that they're missing and you're obviously a lovely, well rounded person with some very good friends.
Just do not under any circumstances listen to anything they say. Go and live your life and one day if you have children you'll know that you'll be the best parent in the world because you won't make those mistakes. What horrible horrible people they are but unfortunately they don't make licences for having children.

Miss Fluff

Has this behaviour towards you abated in recent times? You don't live with them now so how often do you seem them? Did you spend this Christmas with them? How was it? Is it still going on OP? i.e. how largely do your family feature in your present life?

LegacyUser

Yeah i totally agree that if i ever had kids i would be a bit more aware, lets say, of the kind of things that can really affect them growing up. When their entire world + all they know is their family, and the relationships in their family is all that defines who they are.

Sherifu

:eek: Just read the OP
Totally unacceptable from both parents. They aren't fit to be parents from reading your posts.

LegacyUser

Hi Miss Fluff, yeah it is better because i dont see them that often but when i do i still get the same treatment off my mum. My dad hasnt been aggressive with me for about 2 years so thats ok but he sides with my mum all the time.
At xmas she did actually do 2 things that upset me. 1st thing on st. stephens night she was giving me & sis & bro a lift into the town to go out so we didnt have to get taxis and so my sister who drives could drink. While we were getting ready i was walking around the house putting make up, on drinking, getting changed etc and i was listening to my ipod. When we were going to the door to get in the car i still had my earphones in but my ipod wasnt playing. My mum said to me take those things out youre so ignorant going around the house with them in your ears, i said that it wasnt playing, that i just hadnt taken it off yet and what was the harm as i could still hear her. So off we went to the car, minus my mum. After a few minutes my brother said he was going to see where mum was. He went in to find her sitting in a chair in a huff saying she wasnt going anywhere until i put my ipod in the house. I went in and explained that it was in my bad now and thats where it always is (i always ALWAYS have my ipod with me) but she wasnt backing down. I told her she was being ridiculous. My brother and sister went mad so she said ok ill take you, but were not taking her!
Me and my dad went out into the drive where my mum was proceeding to drive away and he said "whats going on" She said, im not taking her because shes an "ignorant cow!!" and drove off without me. My dad then said he'd take me in, thank god he wasnt drinking.

Then a few nights later, 28th / 29th my mum collected me and my sister from town after a few drinks, my sister didnt want to pay for a taxi. She gave me such crap on the way home in the car over my brother saying it was my fault he drinks and i was a liar and a s**t stirrer because i wouldnt back up something she was rowing with him about before we ledt for town, that i was b**ch of te 1st degree, and a total cow etc etc... Then on entering the house me and sister were wearing stillettos which we arent allowed wear on her wooden floors, sister went in before me and tip-toed across into the bedroom so i followed her and tip-toed so as not to mark the floor with my heels, and my mum basically ran at me, punched me hard in the back causing me to fall into the room head first through the door, and called me a selfish b**ch and how DARE i walk on her floors in my shoes!!!

I just stood back up, laughed at how seriously amazed i was, ate my takeaway and went to bed. That was that. My sister said nothing.

LegacyUser

Bye i have to head off home from work now so wont be able to reply more until tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support!!

lennox1

My heart goes out to you as I can well remember the feelings of rejection from my childhood!Just realise that (a)it is not your fault(b)you are a precious human being and(c)your parents have the problem,not you.
Learn from their mistakes and you will find that if you have your own children,they will never experience the feelings of being unloved,because you will work hard to ensure your children don't suffer as you did.
That worked for me and now I know I'm quite an o.k.person,my kids are loved to bits,so much so that they jokingly tell me I'll kill them with love and at the end of the day,my parents lost out on so much by their negativity.
Chin up and remember,you are precious.

Esel

Totally crap way to be treated. I'd imagine your dad gets a load of abuse from your mother in private.

Most important thing for you is to realise that how you were abused is wrong.

Do not pick a partner who resembles your father, and do not allow yourself to be abused in future because you think 'I must deserve this'.

roberta c

That is so horrible, how did you put up with that?
One thing i was thinking reading over the posts was, as someone else suggested, that you were not related by blood to your family, but as you said that is immpossible. Perhaps your mother had some form of postnatal depression which she never got over?

Intothesea

My heart goes out to you, OP. There's nothing
much more devastating than being belittled
or casted as valueless by your own family,
particularly if you're the sort of person who
has a stronger-than-average need to love within
and belong to a harmonious family unit. I think
your parents, as part of their own dysfunctional
selves and marriage, 'selected' you to be a
receptacle of all their frustration and anger
at their failed selves. Your sensitivity ensured
that you would carry their scars and in 'deserving
it' you were foil to their egos. I think you're
right that your mother was jealous of you, and
probably that you would grow up to be unencumbered
and successful: every hopeful, intelligent,
independent thing you said probably gave rise to
a spike of jealousy, shame and anger.

Talking to a professional will definitely help
you to develop a more detailed 'overview' of
where you have come from. In general a child
can never heal its parents, but understanding
and absolution, and with that, full 'permission'
to thrive and stand tall don't sound to be too
far away from you, OP.

tritium

OP, your parents behaviour was totally unacceptable. No one should have to deal with violence in what is supposed to be a loving environment. In your shoes I'd cut all contact with my parents, because to be honest, they don't deserve to have a daughter with their approach to parenting. For your own sake though, please get yourself some counselling to help you deal with some of this. Otherwise it can stick with you and begin to eat you up over time

pookie82

There is absolutely no reason for you to have any further contact with these people. The only reason for suggesting counselling together or reconciliation efforts would be if it looked as though a positive outcome were possible and that you had alot to gain from building a new and understanding relationship with them. It sounds to me like these people are genuinely messed up, and will continue to mess you up unless you cut them off.

Believe me, I don't say that lightly. I understand that family are important - blood thicker than water and all that - but not when your family is this one. The only effect that staying around them will have is a detrimental one. Luckily you seem to have escaped (amazingly!!!) with your sanity intact so you should aim to keep it that way!! It doesn't seem as if your mother or father would respond to efforts to address the problem, talk it through or even come to a resolution. They sound like a pair of people who were never meant to be parents, frankly. Some people are genuinley too selfish or messed up to ever give kids a good home. Your mum definitely sounds as if she has mental problems and resents you deeply for some reason. I don't mean to insinuate that you're to blame you're obviously not....Did she have you at a young age or did she give anything up for you (career/travel etc??). Not that that's a reason to behave like she does but it might be a clue.

You should look out for your younger brother as best you can. You're not his keeper now as he's an adult and you've been through enough, but make sure that he knows he has someone to turn to/talk to and that he's not alone in feeling that his parents are unjustified in their treatment of others. Apart from that I would cut ties firmly. There is nothing to be gained from these people but heartache.

Well done to you for emerging relatively unscathed - you sound level headed and you recognise the error of their ways. Do talk to someone about what happened and surround yourself from now on with people who you know will appreciate you and treat you accordingly. I wish you all the best.

Miss Fluff

I think you should right a letter to your mother catologuing the abuse and then give her a wide berth. Is she mentally "all there"?

Overheal

Thats just a grotesque situation to be in. I strongly agree with getting out of there. But, I also have to pass a thought on your brother: he's been raised to be male dominant to the point of violent from what you've said. Its not a healthy situation for him either.

LegacyUser

WOW, im blown away by the amount of supportive messages this morning, thank you all so much, you have no idea how much each one of them is helping!!!

Pretty much all of what is said i have thought about a lot deep down but always questioned it because ive never really had anyone come out and say "yes you are right to be upset, its ok, its NOT YOU", and growing up you think your parents are right about everything. Even telling the counsellor things was more just a listening ear and i only ended up feeling so ashamed by my stories, especially if i cried over them.

Intothesea wrote: »

There's nothing
much more devastating than being belittled
or casted as valueless by your own family,
particularly if you're the sort of person who
has a stronger-than-average need to love within
and belong to a harmonious family unit.

This is so true. I definitely am more of an affectionate person than the rest of my family, my aunt used to joke that i was in the wrong family as hers is very close, lots of hugs etc... I definitely prefer to be closer to people than they do except my youngest brother, the one who now has drink / drug problems. He knows i am there for him i tell him that a lot, and im the only one he really confides in with his deepest feelings. He cried one night when he was drunk and told me he thinks about suicide a lot he also cut himself numerous times, and stabbed himself all up his arm with a knife. When i told my sister she scoffed and said "He'd never do it, he's just looking for attention and playing the whole 'poor me' attitude"...that is the kind of person she is unfortunately. I also went to my mother about it as i didnt live with him and thought he needed someone to keep an eye on him, she told me i was a liar and was only "s**t stirring" because i was jealous of her relationship with him!!!
When she asked him he denied it because he didnt want her to know he had done it.
I think he needs to get out of my parents house its an unhealthy place to spend too much time. His room is filthy, i mean FILTHY and he only showers maybe once every few weeks. I think he's really depressed.

My mother suffered depression but only during pregnancy not afterwards. When i was about to be born my sister who is older went into a state of dispair because mum had never left her side before, she came out in a skin rash while mum was in hospital and didnt sleep but cried solid for 2 days, and since then has always suffered from psoriasis. I think that has caused my mum to always feel like she needs to look out for my sister over me.
My mum is also the oldest and had a younger sister that apparently i resemble looks wise and in other ways, that she was jealous of growing up, i think that might be another reason.

Sometimes when im at home i do feel like the only sane person in a house full of insane people that all think im the insane one because they're not with it! My ex boyfriend of 7 years did always tell me he thought i was incredibly strong that i turned out ok he didnt quite understand though as he had such a wonderful family, the nicest bunch of people you could ever meet, loved them to bits.

Anyway, thank you all so much for this support, its amazing!
I will plan and go for therapy once i save up the money i need to do it properly.

Marksie

Just_Me_Online wrote: »

Sometimes when im at home i do feel like the only sane person in a house full of insane people that all think im the insane one because they're not with it! My ex boyfriend of 7 years did always tell me he thought i was incredibly strong that i turned out ok he didnt quite understand though as he had such a wonderful family, the nicest bunch of people you could ever meet, loved them to bits.
.

I think he was probably correct OP.

But it has made its mark and will continue to do so.

If this was any other facet apart from a family situation, uneqivocally it would be a case of get the hell away and no contact advice.

But families and blood ties are viewed totally differently. Juts reading what yu say about the other members, the damage is done there.

Perhaps for you and your youngest brother you should rethink this family ties rules.

Tyring to chane your mothers behaviour is not for you to do, it has to come from her. All you can do is remove yourself from it (and your youngets bro if he wants to do something about it).

But hhow muhc of your mums behaviour do you see reflected in teh rest of your siblings?

LegacyUser

Well my sister is definitely along the same lines as my mother. She goes to her for everything be it "what should i wear out?" to "should i take this job or not?", mum likes being in control that way. My sister also gets all her points of view from my mum, she listens to everything she says like its gospel. My sister cant really think outside the box that much, she thinks that our parents are the way all parents are or should be and will never accept that they have done anything wrong, only very very recently will she admit to some things mum says being not 100% valid, she's 28. She is also very selfish a a result of our upbringings. She will rarely do anything for anyone else, and if she does she will moan about it. She does things such as refuse lifts to town even if shes driving and the rest of the car is free, by her words "because you cant expect a lift from me just because im going the same way"! She also repeats hurtful things my mother says about me even if they are untrue, so i never get any support from her, in fact if mum has a go at me she ususally joins in for the fun of 'being on the winning side of a battle' type of thing.

My brother also, the one that gets violent, he really cant think for himself at all, he is so insecure and paranoid, my mother pretty much controls everything he does & thinks. She'll tell him how much drink he should drink, what clothes to wear, what jobs to apply for, she'll even write up his CV for him and his cover letters, he rings her for everything, one time my boyfriend was in my house and over heard him calling my mother at work to ask her how hot the water should be when filling a hot water bottle!!! He's 24! He lives at home too but he is not affected the way the younger brother is. He lives and breaths what my mother tells him. If my mother says for example that she wont give me a lift because my ipod is in my bag not in the house as at xmas, he will say "well you shouldnt have had it in your bag" simply because its what mum says. He's not the brightest person to be honest though i do love him to bits. He's not very smart, people tend to think he's a bit simple.
It annoys me to see his confidence get knocked like it does. If he has an opinion about anything, be it a song he likes, and he says "I like this song"...if the response from my mother or sister is "What? That song is c**p!" he will instantly say "Oh yeah its not that good actually i dont really like it" Its frustrating to see because as my brother i want him to be confident and strong. And if i try to help by saying "look you can have that opinion if its what you think" he will ususally tell me to shut up because its the norm, or else say no he does just agree with my sister, just because she is so dominating and bullied him a lot growing up.

tbh

move out. If not for yourself - to set an example for your brother that he doesn't have to live like that.

Sherifu

tbh wrote: »

move out. If not for yourself - to set an example for your brother that he doesn't have to live like that.

+1 If at all possible get out of there.

LegacyUser

Thanks i already have moved out.
Basically i just wanted the general consensus on whether i should be as upset / disturbed by what my parents do as i am.
Even though their behaviour is sometimes nice / normal, deep down i dont think it excuses the other damaging things they do, even more so now after reading all the replies / opinions ive got from everyone saying what ive been thinking & feeling about it myself in private.
Thanks again everyone.

Im going to try and convince my brother to move out for his own good.

Intothesea

Hello again OP

Do you think this:
http://www.alanrappoport.com/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf

would be headed in the right direction?

+20 on leaving, and rescuing your little brother, if possible.

LegacyUser

Intothesea:
Wow, defintiely the Co-narcissism thing with regards my brother, the older one.
Interesting.

Marksie

once you have the brother out. Then dont have ANY more to do with em.

Overheal

Things will get worse before they get better, but you have to take the first step to protecting yourself and your siblings.

You have our full support here obviously but please look into group counselling for yourselves as well.

LegacyUser

Thanks, yeah i tried to talk my brother into going to counselling but he is set on never going to see one, he thinks they wont understand him, and he feels patronised.
I even said id go and would he just accompany me, just so he sees its not that bad and get him used to the environment of opening up.

He was in st. pats for a week or 2 but he wouldnt go to rehab classes or alcoholism classes that the psychiatrist told him to attend, and eventually my parents just signed him out, after what i think was definitely not a long enough stint in there with professionals around.
He also feels like he doesnt have a problem with drink or drugs. I think until he realises he DOES have a problem then theres not much i can do except stand by him and try to support him.

Overheal

Just_Me_Online wrote: »

I think until he realises he DOES have a problem then theres not much i can do except stand by him and try to support him.

He must realise he has problems: he's come to you before, has he not? Shown you the scars?

If you feel you have to be on standby until he makes some realisations for himself thats understandable. I would however, contact the suicide helpline and see what they say about looking after him.

LegacyUser

Thanks Overheal.
He knows he has a problem, but he thinks the people around him are the problem, that they have the problem not him. And he doesnt see that the drink or self harms as a result is a problem. Does that make sense? :-/
He doesnt think his drinking is excessive, i reckon he thinks its proportional to how he feels and thats just the way it is...its acceptable in his eyes.

PS: Ill do that about the suicide help.