General Opinion Needed

Overheal · 31-01-2008 3:57pm

Mmm. I'd strongly insist on the helpline as a step one.

I think I get where your brother may be coming from - but every situation is different.

I remember blaming the world for my problems - my dad mostly: for moving me out to Ireland. Then when I realised Ireland was the best thing to happen to me I had to question was he only just looking out for me.. then I had to question what was the cause of my problems - in the end the root of your problems is how you view them.

I guess I finally stopped blaming others for my problems when I went dark last year, after a family death: living by myself for months with little or no outside contact or friends to confide in.. you eventually learn (for a start) that nobody is going to feed you or do your laundry. Shortly after it follows on that nobody is going to swoop in and solve your problems for you. Which is why this is a touchy situation: I'd personally (and, unprofessionally) think its better to leave him somewhat isolated until hopefully he comes to the same conclusion. The problem with that is the suicide. That never became a factor for me - the closest equivalent was giving up my life in Ireland and starting from scratch in the USA, which to me is kind of suicidal in itself: having to start a whole new life.

The drink.. I dont know how useful that was to me. Granted, it helped me get the picture of what I was unhappy with in my life but at the same time it does nothing to help you see whats good: its a depressant. If he's drinking to find some truth (which he may well be) I don't think he's going to find it in a bottle. I certainly didn't. Truth requires clarity; clarity requires (99% of the time) sobriety. Anti-depressants don't hurt either - consult a GP, or the hotline on those.

As for the self-mutilation... I do warhammer (plastic modelly things) so I have a scalpel for scraping bits of plastic - the whole time I was in that state I left it on my computer desk. Damn thing nearly tempted me several times. Morbid thoughts of stabbing myself in the eye... Never have hurt myself however. So for whatever reason I guess I can understand about half of why someone would do it - but the other half is foreign to me: if I did understand it probably would have resulted in me doing it. Which is almost a scary thought in retrospect. The cutting is evoking pain. Pain is another aspect of life. When you don't feel alive, or you feel your dreaming, you pinch yourself. I guess when you view your entire world as being flawed - you're just trying to wake up? Maybe thats why I didnt do it: the world is a little screwy but it's not out to make you miserable by design - we do that to ourselves mostly.

I hope that gives you a probable insight.

pookie82 · 31-01-2008 4:05pm

Sounds like your Mum isn't happy unless she's exercising control over her children. If you were smart from an early age and had all the signs of coping independently it may be one of the reasons she resents you. Some people are so odd like that, believe me - if they don't have complete control over a person they don't want to know them and put them down at every available chance. Sounds like she might have some power issues - if your siblings turn to her before completing the most trivial of tasks and you have long moved out and are creating a life for yourself, not based on her every whim or opinion, then it obviously makes her insecure and this insecurity breeds resentment and resentment anger and so on. You must have seemed like a person who would go far on their own from an early age and this caused her to decide you didn't warrant affection and her control could never be exercised on you.

None of it is your fault, just messed up people unfortunately. But thankfully you no longer have to put up with it. Again, well done for coming out of this situation with a level head!!

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 4:14pm

Wow, thanks for that long post there, its always very helpful to get insights and views from other people especially when they are views that are quite removed from how you think yourself, or outlooks you would never see otherwise. Personally i never ever understood why people self harm. My brother told me he did it to "feel the pain", thats all he said when i asked why, he's not much of a talker...
He doesnt drink for the clarity though, he drinks to stop his head from being too clear thinking, thats also why he turns to drugs. He said he cant stand to be sober because it "freaks his head out". He uses it as escapism, as well as video games, all he ever does when he's not drinking is play games on his xbox.
Also an important point to make, is that when he intoxicates himself, he does it to the point of really f**king himself up, he was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills before but he used to OD on them and take like 10 in a go!!! Then he goes out and he tries to cause trouble with people, looking for trouble, he even starts scraps with is friends and asks them to beat him up, which a few times before his biggest friend did and he was left SERIOUSLY bruised...i mean huge black bruises all down his side / chest and arm.
I think personally he is "looking for punishment". He wants a reason to feel as bad as he does. He looks for people to beat him up. He got arrested trying to start a fight with a group of young lads down our local village at home, when the guards arrested him he started on at them too enticing them to hit him and then he got cuffed. After all this he then cried for about an hour and wouldnt speak but finally apologised like crazy to the guards in our house for acting the d**khead and said he didnt know why he did it. My father was also violent to him that night, punched him to the ground for being an idiot, and my brother just yelled at him that he was a s**t father. The police told us later that in the car he told them "i dont care what you do with me, you can kill me if you like, im going to kill myself in a few years anyway when my parents kick me out of the house". Thats the night he went to st. pats.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, its much appreciated, i usually feel like all this is left solely to me to figure out, because my family are too inept at dealing with stuff like this.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 4:27pm

Yes, she did say that i was the worst for the "terrible twos" type of thing, that i had 2 episodes aparently, and to my disapproval told me that both times we were in a relations house, and both times she locked me outside in the car until i calmed down!!!
She also said i was the 1st to learn to read and that 1st to walk. And she told me how even before my older sister could say the months of the year, i was able to say them all in Irish, that she asked her one day "can you say the months of the year in order?" and my reaction was to say "mum, mum, i can say them all in Irish i learnt them in school, i began to rhyme them off"
She wasnt saying these things in a complimentary way either, she was saying i was hard on my sister and made her feel stupid. I was only 6 or 7, i was probably just being a kid and wanting to make my mum proud.

spinandscribble · 31-01-2008 7:47pm

your mother just doesnt like you. she might have been jealous of you or she just has a zero patience level. its not going to change.
tbh you seem confident regarding your 'smarts' but how do you handle romantic relationships? i only ask because theres a link between parenting and ability to handle a relationship. you seem like you really wanna get this stuff off your chest so you might as well spill all.
tbh i'd get help for your brother and abandon your 'family'. stay in touch with your siblings if you can but leave your parents.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 10:32pm

Hi. Yeah my romantic relationships usually work out well. As i mentioned before i had a very successful relationship for 7 years, and i have a boyfriend that im quite happy with now. Ive never found it hard to be close to people / guys. Ive had about 4 serious relationships in my life and each one was really loving and happy. I only got dumped once and it broke my heart but i think it was the guy that found it hard to be in a committed relationship not me. We remained friends after we broke up too, and i have no bad feelings towards any of my ex's and vice versa. Hope that covers it

The only thing, that used to be more of a problem in the past than it is now, i used to get upset a lot in my 7 year relationship over my family issues and i think my bf at the time felt pressure to make sure i was ok. He was great though, very supportive. I try to deal with things on my own more now. Only very occassionally i get hugely upset at small things, or things that seem like small critisisms or small rejections...at those times i know its this burried hurt coming out when the "flood gates" open as such... Sometimes that puts guys on edge, but thats about it. Ive been lucky with the partners ive had.

St Bill · 31-01-2008 11:11pm

Hi OP, you sound like a thoughtful, sensitive, down-to-earth person which is amazing considering what your background is. I always think our parents are the lens through which we view the world, yet you had/have the courage to view the world in your own way. I think this has led to your success in leading a normal life.
With regards to your brother, would it be possible for him to live with you if he moved out of home? I know there's only so much you can do for him because it's up to him to help himself, but is it an option?

Overheal · 01-02-2008 5:03am

One of 2 things happen: we mimick our parents, viewing them as role models for our lives; or we view them as mistakes, outdated iterations, and we try to improve on their flaws while accepting their strengths. Girl, you sound like the latter. Your sister sounds possibly the former. Your brother sounds... lost.

Dont get yourself down about sibling rivalry. Me and my sibs - up until the last year or so when the death happened - competed with eachother like hell. According to my mom I was also the worst child.. but now according to most people I also turned out the best. Funny how that happens. Anyway it sounds to me like you yourself have turned out OK but you're more concerned with your siblings/family matters?

As for further insights into your brother: again I can relate to the escapism - did it for years in video games. Quite in risk of doing it again if anyone has ever heard of EVE... On the last depression though I stayed clear of games; just watched TV and discovered Boards.ie to be honest. Tried video game escapism but it didn't really work that time: which resulted in me forcing a personal confrontation with my issues instead of burying them.
But lemme shake myself out of reverie here.

It sounds to me, from what you've said, that your brother is possibly crying for help - its rarely ever something you'd admit to (or even admit to yourself) but it happens: the things we do so that we hope other people will take notice and come give us attention/comfort us/save us from problems. I mean seriously, why else would you personally invite a Guard (of all walks of life - a Guard!) to kill you?

Thing is, the more you speak about your brother the more I can appreciate the gravity of the situation..

Sidenote Question though: whats his relationship history? Any girlfriends, or just a complete recluse?

I guess my advice from before still holds: being completely isolated and ignored for as long as necessary - thats what really helped me fix myself, and I feel it may be applicable here to some degree.

Your sister may not be altogether wrong when she says he's looking for the attention. At the same time it still sounds like your sister fails to appreciate the concept of co-operation and co-existence, sibling support, and the like.

But I tend to agree: your brother is looking for attention - because he is looking for help - because he knows something is wrong - and he feels he cant fix it himself. In my own humble opinion, until he learns HOW to fix it himself, he will never function independently; never have a life of his own; a family; etcetera.

Intothesea · 01-02-2008 6:08am

I think the most critical move (and ideal one)
to make here is to physically remove your little
brother from the family environment, even for
a short time.

OP, if you feel like registering and PMing me
about these issues, please do

LegacyUser · 01-02-2008 10:32am

Hi, thanks again for the supportive replies!

Ive thought a good bit about getting my brother to move out and move in with me somewhere, or even to take off travelling and bring him with me, but he'd need to get a job if he was to move out, and he's said before that he never wants a job, that he's going to live off the dole forever!!

Aside from that, there was a point before me and the guy of 7 years broke up, when we were renting our own apartment and it had a small spare room... I asked if my brother could live with us but my boyfriend was completely against the idea. After a row about it i came to realise that it would actually be quite hard for other people to live with him... I could deal with it / put up with his drinking etc because he's my brother and thats what siblings do, but if it wasnt your own brother, would you really want to live with someone that got drunk all the time, played his music really loud, was dirty / untidy, and brought drugs into the house?

So unless a time comes when i have a place thats entirely my own, i couldnt really see other housemates being happy living with him.

He stayed over in my flat a few times, when i was living with friends, but he just saw it as an invitation to go off the wall! He'd over dose on his tablets along with downing most of the drink there, and one 1 occassion also drank some of the cocktails i had made for myself (it was my bday), after he had already drank all his own beer. After we'd all go to bed he'd stay up all night high as a kite unable to sleep from his tablets playing music loudly, on my bday he drank a full bottle of wine during the night that was given to me as a present, and the next morning on becoming sober went to our local spar and demanded another bottle of wine...he nearly freaked at the shop attendant when she told him she couldnt serve alcohol until 12:30!
These are the kinds of things that other people find it hard to put up with. My friends werent too happy to have him over again.

No he never has girlfriends, he's had 1 that i know of and he broke up with her. He's not very confident with girls and he's quite shy when he's not drunk. He's said a few times that he never scores women. He's not a bad looking guy at all, he just doesnt try / mingle.
He has good friends but they are all nearly as messed up as he is tbh. They all live the heavy drinkers life-style, and all take drugs.

Yes my sister is definitely more of a selfish creature, but i think its because she was brought up to be that way. She looks out for number 1 and thats about it. She's not very compassionate or understanding of peoples issues or other peoples problems, and shes definitley not very supportive. I remember a time i broke up with a boyfriend and we were out in a club at home... she had been seeing a guy for 2 weeks, just kissing him at weekends, and was trying to act all cool and disinterested in front of him in the club. I was really upset over my break up and i started to cry after a few drinks. She simply told me to go away because she was trying to appear to be having a good time and said that someone crying was ruining the effect... she then walked off and left me standing there on my own until my friends found me. Thats just the person she is.

General Opinion Needed

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