Church music NIGHtMARE

kc83 · 27-03-2014 11:14pm #1

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

Addle · 27-03-2014 11:35pm

It is ultimately up to the priest who marries you and they've been instructed to be stricter in this regard in recent years.
The same applies to funerals too.
Their church, their rules.
I wouldn't push it to be honest.

jjpep · 27-03-2014 11:38pm

Why not go back to the idea of a civil ceremony? The music issue can be the reason you can give to whoever twisted your arm into doing it in a church.

stinkle · 27-03-2014 11:43pm

If the priest is very strict this might not be much help, but I've heard that processional and recessional songs dont have to be religious per se, as the mass hasnt begun/is finished by then. As for other songs during, you might have to compromise here and go with hymns - but could look into "folkier" versions or ones that are upbeat.

Alternatively, if it's too soon to organise a civil ceremony, do you actually have to have the full mass, or can you just have the wedding ceremony without communion? some churches do that I believe.

smaoifs · 27-03-2014 11:44pm

Seems very unreasonable. We were only to have hymns during Communion, all other parts could be appropriate music or songs.
Saying that, we did find some lovely not very hymn sounding hymns to use throughout the ceremony.
Google wedding church music, a lot of singers will have a song list on their websites for different parts of the ceremony and you might end up finding a surprise.

kc83 wrote: »

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, my h2b choose invites etc but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

stargazer 68 · 28-03-2014 10:13am

As far as I know its up to the priest performing the ceremony. My sis is getting married 2 weeks today

and grooms cousin is the priest! Completely different parish and she has had no problems with any of the music.

Addle · 28-03-2014 10:20am

smaoifs wrote: »

Seems very unreasonable.

I don't think it is unreasonable when you choose to have a religious ceremony in a church

clint_silver · 28-03-2014 10:44am

kc83 wrote: »

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, my h2b choose invites etc but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Milly33 · 28-03-2014 1:29pm

I suppose there isn't an option of not telling the priest before hand and just play the whole oh im sorry I didn't really know..

Hope you are ok and it hasn't disheartened you too much.. If the above idea was not an option, would you brother perhaps play outside the church either before you go in or after ye come out..

Electric Sheep · 28-03-2014 4:12pm

clint_silver wrote: »

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Or, if you want secular music have a civil ceremony.

thomas anderson. · 28-03-2014 4:14pm

And this is why I will not be getting married in a church

Tasden · 28-03-2014 4:22pm

Their house, their rules.

It may seem silly/ridiculous/ annoying but its not unfair really because its their church and their rules. Some are less strict but the ones that are strict are within their rights. A family member of mine died and when the person organising the funeral asked for a certain song to be played she was told that it was only hymns no exceptions.

Also, bringing donations into it just seems petty and childish, I wouldn't do that.

Moonbeam · 28-03-2014 4:26pm

find another priest?
Ask him to approve the songs?

I hated our church music and am pretty unforgiving about it.
We pre-recorded our own music for the civil ceremony and it was really nice.

Mrs OBumble · 28-03-2014 4:45pm

kc83 wrote: »

He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only.

I really don't see what your problem is: hymns can be played as acoustic mellow music!

Sure'n your brother might have to learn a few new tunes, but really most hymns are not hard.

Did your priest have any specific suggestions?

And if you want to get even more cunning, for lots of popular tunes, there is a "baptised" equivalent.

Eg if you want "Wild Mountain Thyne" .. the hym is "Holy is Your name". "Star of the County Down" - the hymn is "I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say". Etc. (mmm, maybe I'll make a list ;-) )

pwurple · 29-03-2014 11:09am

This really irritates me. Our priest was more than happy to let us play whatever music meant something to us. We ran it past him of course, and we didn't choose anything inappropriate. Any priest I've dealt with for funerals or weddings has been the same. I don't know why some priests have a bee in their bonnet about minor things like this, and others are totally sensible. It only alienates congregations. You won't be in a rush to darken his door again after this.

How is he even defining a hymn? At my grandfathers funeral we had some opera arias, no mention of any god in them, but they were beautiful pieces of music, and the priest was very happy with them. He even asked for the names if the pieces so he could recommend for those who asked advice. I could easily argue that most human creativity celebrates God in some way.

tommy2bad · 29-03-2014 11:24am

Assuming this is a catholic wedding, their's a list and some advice here;http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-music-list.htm
If nothing on that list appeals or if your particular favourite isn't explicitly mentioned, ask, you never know if it's played on a cello or violin the priest may be amiable.
If he's a follower of what I call the continuity catholic church, he might have some idea of imposing strict rules and your best compromise is having your choices played before the ceremony (I know you won't get to hear it but..) and after the ceremony before everyone rushes out for a smoke or whatever.

Tasden · 29-03-2014 11:41am

tommy2bad wrote: »

Assuming this is a catholic wedding, their's a list and some advice here;http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-music-list.htm
If nothing on that list appeals or if your particular favourite isn't explicitly mentioned, ask, you never know if it's played on a cello or violin the priest may be amiable.
If he's a follower of what I call the continuity catholic church, he might have some idea of imposing strict rules and your best compromise is having your choices played before the ceremony (I know you won't get to hear it but..) and after the ceremony before everyone rushes out for a smoke or whatever.

Actually at my friends wedding they used hymns during the ceremony and then afterwards they did all the signing/photos/greeting while their songs were played.
It was nice

hoodwinked · 29-03-2014 12:00pm

Just a thought, have you approached your parish priest?

the one who said "hymns only"

maybe if you explain why it's important to you and your family to him he might make an exception for you? especially if he knows you or your family?

kc83 · 29-03-2014 12:42pm

clint_silver wrote: »

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Ha ha ha thank you!! This made me laugh out loud!! Def a good idea :-)

kc83 · 29-03-2014 12:54pm

Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments! I am still fighting my corner and will keep at it and if I don't get my way on this one I really think I will change church!! I'm not being pigheaded or anything and am going to play nice but it's frustrating.
To ppl who have suggested I go with some up beat hymns, I def take that on board and actually only want probably 3 of my own pieces played and the rest will be hymns so I don't really understand why it's such a big deal!
I suppose it does upset me as the priest couldn't know my family any better....I mean for the last 30 years I have lived in between a convent and a nuns house and across from the priest!! We have always been kind and my mother goes into his prayer meetings every month and is a regular mass goer!!
Ugh......next step is to meet the priest of the parish we are getting married in and see what he says.
Although I think my own priest who will be marrying us is passing the buck a little,
Does anyone know...is it up to the priest marrying us on the day or is it up to the priest whose church we use????

AoifeCork · 29-03-2014 1:27pm

Kc83, don't panic!

As somebody that has played at various ceremonies... catholic/protestant/civil etc... There is plenty wiggle room with song choices.

While you do have to keep the psalm, offertory procession, sign of peace, communion in check with sacred music, it's a blatant myth when priests say the entire mass has to have hymns or songs of praise. The register signing, candle lighting, processional and recessional are almost 99.9% of the time going to have secular music as those are the songs that are special to the couple.

My one piece of advice would be to not have the "fighting my corner" attitude. Just smile and nod with the priest but make sure you are clued up on what is a hymn and what is not a hymn. Instrumentals are also a safe bet as they can create a wonderful mood without including lyrics of themes the priest may find offensive or unsuitable.

Do some research with your brother and pick 3/4 hymns plus a psalm you are happy to include-and then look into nice versions of the songs you want included. Don't panic! Most priests tell people "hymns only" to ensure there is no Kesha or Shakira on the day... they don't want to upset or hinder your ceremony at all

Mrs OBumble · 29-03-2014 1:27pm

kc83 wrote: »

... and my mother goes into his prayer meetings every month and is a regular mass goer!!... Does anyone know...is it up to the priest marrying us on the day or is it up to the priest whose church we use????

Both are accountable to the local bishop.

But here's another thought. You're having a Catholic wedding, obviously, but is it including Mass or not? Catholic weddings don't actually have to be nuptuial masses. If you're simply having the wedding ceremony without Mass (and it does sound like you're not a mass-person yourself), then the rules will be a lot more relaxed.

Toots · 29-03-2014 1:55pm

A lot of it seems to depend on the priest. We had mainly secular music, I think we had Ave Maria during the communion bit but the rest was classical, but appropriate for the church. I walked up the aisle to a classical arrangement of a led zeppelin song. We ran it all by the priest first and asked was it ok to have a string quartet and he was really enthusiastic about everything.

My SIL was had an almost exact opposite experience (got married in a different parish to us). The priest had a list of 'approved' hymns and she was told that couple could only chose hymns that were on this list - no 'outside' music, as he put it. He also kicked up a stink about her wanting to have folk guitars instead of an organist, grumbling that he'd "have to see about that". He said all these rules were decided by the bishop of the diocese and there was nothing he could do about it. Like you, OP, there were a couple of pieces of music that they really wanted for sentimental reasons (nice classical pieces, not hip hop or anything). Her aunt is a nun and suggested that it might be worth writing to the bishop to see if they could make an exception in this situation. SIL mentioned this to the priest the next time they met him, and the next day she got a phone call to say that she could have the music she wanted 'so long as it was sympathetic to the holy environment of the church'. She never even wrote to the bishop, so I reckon either the priest rang on her behalf and got the go-ahead or the priest was making arbitrary rules that he decided on and knew if she wrote to the bishop it might cause hassle for him.

lazygal · 29-03-2014 6:35pm

While not pretending to be even slightly religious I don't agree that instrumental versions of songs are always appropriate. I've cringed at some church weddings and funerals when Stairway to Heaven is played on a harp or Take That's Greatest Day is belted out by a gospel choir. It just doesn't match the setting and atmosphere.

Toots · 29-03-2014 9:35pm

lazygal wrote: »

While not pretending to be even slightly religious I don't agree that instrumental versions of songs are always appropriate. I've cringed at some church weddings and funerals when Stairway to Heaven is played on a harp or Take That's Greatest Day is belted out by a gospel choir. It just doesn't match the setting and atmosphere.

Lol, it'd want to be a REALLY long aisle if someone was walking up to that one! It's about 10 minutes long.

kc83 · 29-03-2014 9:36pm

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar

)
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

Addle · 29-03-2014 9:40pm

kc83 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

How do you expect a priest to have any respect for your choice when you are so disrespectful with regards to his?

lazygal · 29-03-2014 9:55pm

Toots* wrote: »

Lol, it'd want to be a REALLY long aisle if someone was walking up to that one! It's about 10 minutes long.

It was played during communion. Really inappropriate for a church, the harpist was brilliant but the choices of music were not suitable.

lazygal · 29-03-2014 9:56pm

kc83 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

You don't sound like a church wedding is for you. What does being spiritual mean, anyway? Catholic without the awkward bits?

Toots · 29-03-2014 10:14pm

lazygal wrote: »

It was played during communion. Really inappropriate for a church, the harpist was brilliant but the choices of music were not suitable.

Ooh, yeah that's not a very appropriate choice.

I suppose it could be worse, it'd be even less appropriate for a funeral!

tommy2bad · 29-03-2014 10:32pm

Toots* wrote: »

Ooh, yeah that's not a very appropriate choice.

I suppose it could be worse, it'd be even less appropriate for a funeral!

OK I'll bite,
It would be better than highway to hell!

Church music NIGHtMARE

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