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Girlfriend travelling to meet her ex

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    #62
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    I think it's a fairly simple dilemma.

    This makes you uncomfortable - does it make you so uncomfortable, that it would be preferable to not go out with her at all?
    Also she knows it makes you uncomfortable - what is more important to her - your comfort or her exes friendship. Does her answer change how you feel?You can't tell her who to be friends with and who not to be, and even if you could you shouldn't! But you can decide to opt in or opt out of the whole situation. It's entirely up to you at the end of the day.

    Edit: also be aware that if you force someone to choose, they may well choose the other person - if that happens you have to accept it as their choice and move on.


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    #63
    B.A._Baracus
    Registered Users Posts: 11,178 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Op, I can only say this bluntly...
    But don't be a mug. I say that as a person who was a BIG mug in the past. Like read things for what they are here. Your girlfriend is going over to see her ex days after Christmas. There are alarm bells and then there are air-raid sirens.

    End the relationship asap. She may give you the guilt trip... the usual "why dont you trust me!!!?" but that is just smoke screen lies.


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    #64
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    B.A._Baracus wrote: »
    End the relationship asap. She may give you the guilt trip... the usual "why dont you trust me!!!?" but that is just smoke screen lies.

    To which you can answer this isnt about trust it is about respect.

    It doesnt say much for your relationship that she is disappearing off to see an ex straight after christmas and doesnt bother her A*se to consider how you may or may not feel about her actions. She knows you feel uncomfy with it and yet is going anyhow.

    I am sure if you were off to see an ex she'd have a different outlook!

    Let her off to see her ex but let her off permanently


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    #65
    Playboy
    Registered Users Posts: 2,923 ✭✭✭Playboy


    I'm best friends with my ex. it took my wife a while to get used to the idea but now they are great friends too. Once it ended we never even thought about messing around. I'm not saying that your situation is the same but it can work out.


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    #66
    Wompa1
    Registered Users Posts: 8,166 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    Playboy wrote: »
    I'm best friends with my ex. it took my wife a while to get used to the idea but now they are great friends too. Once it ended we never even thought about messing around. I'm not saying that your situation is the same but it can work out.

    How soon after that relationship did you get with your now wife?

    Also, were you hanging out with the ex as a friend from day 1? I can't see that happening, either the dynamic during the relationship was completely f*cked or you took a break from each other after and gave some space, no? or am I wrong?


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    #67
    IvoryTower
    Registered Users Posts: 3,825 ✭✭✭IvoryTower


    I think 5 pages of pretty much the same replies over and over should suffice for the op


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    #68
    madmac187
    Registered Users Posts: 652 ✭✭✭madmac187


    Man no offence, I think shes looking for a job over there to be with him. If they finished because he left I guarantee they are getting together. Been there myself and shes just lying to you. I guarantee it. He will fill her up like the guy from the statoil advert.

    Im sorry but that's whats going to happen accept it. **** her off. She has no respect for you. Did a relationship like that for 18 months in Australia, she turned out to be just a terrible narcissistic person and didn't care about anyone else. She was diagnosed with a boarderline personality later on. It added up.


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    #69
    Idbatterim
    Registered Users Posts: 17,843 ✭✭✭✭Idbatterim


    they may have the best of intentions and one or both may have no intentions of doing anything, but wait till the alcohol starts flowing!


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    #70
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »
    You know, I used to be one of those people that would subscribe to the notion that you shouldn't tell your partner what to do in relation to their ex.

    I wanted to be all open minded and everything.


    Then I was made a fool of. An absolute fool.

    Now I realize that if a boyfriend/girlfriend has any respect for you or the relationship then they won't act inappropriately with an ex.
    An ex isn't a friend, they are an ex. I have no sexual desire towards any of my exes and they are all fairly nice people that were my best friends at one stage but now they are exes and i treat them as such because that's the right thing to do to build healthy future/current romantic relationships.


    I wish my OH was like you :( Mine is travelling home (to a different country) for Christmas and I asked her not to see her ex when she is there and she more or less said, "I can't promise you that" - wtf? :(


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    #71
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    I think it's a fairly simple dilemma.

    This makes you uncomfortable - does it make you so uncomfortable, that it would be preferable to not go out with her at all?
    Also she knows it makes you uncomfortable - what is more important to her - your comfort or her exes friendship. Does her answer change how you feel?You can't tell her who to be friends with and who not to be, and even if you could you shouldn't! But you can decide to opt in or opt out of the whole situation. It's entirely up to you at the end of the day.

    Edit: also be aware that if you force someone to choose, they may well choose the other person - if that happens you have to accept it as their choice and move on.


    Mmmm this so much. My Dad always reminds us of that - don't give ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow through on them! For me there is also an issue with forcing someone to respect you. You shouldn't have to. They should respect you of their own volition.


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    #72
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Absolutely. In fact if you have to force it, it isn't genuine regardless of the reason why.


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    #73
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    MJ23 wrote: »
    Ask her what she'd think if it was the other way around.


    That doesn't really work. I tried that with mine and I got, "well she is a friend fo the family and we go way back" - as if she has built up fúcking loyalty points or something. The unreasonable person will find a way to differentiate anything you do in order to be angry with you over your behaviour while maintaining justification of their own.

    ...I am going for a carte blanche when she fúcks off home for Christmas though. :D


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