Girlfriend travelling to meet her ex

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a girl for the past few months and we just recently started going out officially.
She broke up with her last boyfriend about a year ago, but apparently they're just friends now. However she told me today that she's planning on going over to stay with him (he lives in England) for a few days after Christmas. She could see I wasn't comfortable with it, but she assured me that they're just friends and that nothing is going to happen.

I don't want to appear jealous or selfish or anything. As far as I can tell they message each other every single day and have done ever since they broke up a year ago. She's even showed me some of the messages, and it does seem like they just have regular conversations, nothing emotional or anything. So maybe they are just friends. It's just him being her ex that makes me uncomfortable.

Am I overreacting in being upset about this? What should I do?

MagicMarker

Absolutely no way, no how.

That's a complete deal breaker for me.

6781

They will most likely have sex you know that right?

bmwguy

Not a hope would I tolerate this, and not a hope would your girlfriend tolerate you doing this in reverse. Deal breaker for me too I'm afraid, put your foot down and tell her to hit the road if she goes. You'll be walked all over for the rest of your relationship if you stand for this.

Raminahobbin

Hmmm... I wouldn't be comfortable with this. I might be okay with an ex from way back that they lost contact with for a while and gradually built back up a friendship over time, but an ex from a year ago that they've kept in extremely regular contact with?? Not a hope. I'd assume there was tonnes of unresolved baggage and wouldn't want to get involved.

TheMilkyPirate

They're going to have sex.

Run, Run as far as you can.

testicle

They'll be riding all night!

strobe

Why don't you suggest the two of you head over and take the opportunity to make a bit of a holiday/weekend away out of it together? Get a hotel room together somewhere in the vicinity, ye can hang out with and catch up with her friend some of the time and have a nice bit of couple time together the rest of the time? See what she makes of the idea.

CaraMay

Mmmmm I wouldn't like it but I have ex's that I could share a bed with for the next 50 years and nothing would happen.

The relationship is new yet and you have no right to tell her what to do so it's down to whether or not you want to put up with it.

Mr. Incognito

I wouls tell her she can have you or the dirty weekend but she cant have both

shalalala

I would either tell her that it is the break away or you, or I would call her bluff and book to go over.

Even though there may not be physical cheating, to me, whatever they are doing is emotional cheating, they haven't stepped away from everything for long enough for there not to be residual feelings.

GarIT

Texting an ex like she is would have been the deal breaker for me.

blindside88

Id tell her it's him or me. Not a hope would I be comfortable with that

Yurt2

Do NOT put up with this. There are two things wrong here:

a. She's contacting an ex and making arrangements to see him.
b. She thinks you're a fool and feeds you nonsense about him being a 'friend'

Now, the ex may be texting her on the premise that they're 'friends' and she may be replying on the same 'friends' premise.
All three of you know it's nonsense.

DO NOT ACCEPT.

R.D. aka MR.D

You know, I used to be one of those people that would subscribe to the notion that you shouldn't tell your partner what to do in relation to their ex.

I wanted to be all open minded and everything.


Then I was made a fool of. An absolute fool.

Now I realize that if a boyfriend/girlfriend has any respect for you or the relationship then they won't act inappropriately with an ex.
An ex isn't a friend, they are an ex. I have no sexual desire towards any of my exes and they are all fairly nice people that were my best friends at one stage but now they are exes and i treat them as such because that's the right thing to do to build healthy future/current romantic relationships.

Oryx

I would be questioning why she feels the need to keep such a close relationship with an ex when she has supposedly moved on. This is dodgy. She may not be lying to you but only because she is lying to herself. She needs to decide which guy she wants in her life, you or him. Right now she is trying to have both.

Oink

She's staying for a few days with someone with whom she previously had an emotional and sexual relationship, which she has never broken contact with, because they're only friends now.

As her new partner do you feel that she is respecting your feelings? Do you feel she is getting ready to take the same chances on you that you are taking on her? Does it look like you're both investing as much into this?

If you can make it all add up and live happily ever after, by all means, go for it.

fermanagh_man

Picture this ........
They are having a few drinks and talking about old times, no doubt one of them will say something like "we were so good together" "what ever happened to us" , then most likely this will lead onto sex!

OP to save yourself and future heartache you need to deal with this now

banquo

Not at all overreacting. Madly underreacting if anything.

indigo twist

How long was she with the ex, and how serious was it?

For all we know, it could be some guy she dated casually for a few weeks before they both realised that there was absolutely no chemistry there, but that they got on brilliantly as friends. In which case, there's probably little risk involved.

Also, what's his relationship status ... is he with someone else now; has he dated anyone since they broke up?

My immediate reaction would probably be similar to most replies, but I do think more information is needed before saying a definite no.

mrsbyrne

Oryx wrote: »

I would be questioning why she feels the need to keep such a close relationship with an ex when she has supposedly moved on. This is dodgy. She may not be lying to you but only because she is lying to herself. She needs to decide which guy she wants in her life, you or him. Right now she is trying to have both.

I agree with this. She is being very selfish and she doesn't love you or even respect you. I think she's hoping to get back with this guy and if it doesn't work out she will have you on standby till she meets someone else. Don't get in any deeper. Break up with her lick your wounds and move on. You deserve better.

Potatoeman

She will probably say you should trust her but you should be able to trust her not to put herself and you in this situation.

Who ended the relationship? If it was due to him moving I would run a mile.

ziedth

indigo twist wrote: »

How long was she with the ex, and how serious was it?

For all we know, it could be some guy she dated casually for a few weeks before they both realised that there was absolutely no chemistry there, but that they got on brilliantly as friends. In which case, there's probably little risk involved.

Also, what's his relationship status ... is he with someone else now; has he dated anyone since they broke up?

My immediate reaction would probably be similar to most replies, but I do think more information is needed before saying a definite no.

I have to agree with this, I have an "ex" that I was friends with since a child, had a fairly brief summer relationship in our teens and went on being friends for the best part of 15 years since we could go on a romantic weekend in Paris and absolutely nothing would happen. I know it's not the same thing as the OP but length of the relationship and if they were friends beforehand would make a difference to this.

If, however they were serious I'd run a mile.

Shrap

ziedth wrote: »

I have to agree with this, I have an "ex" that I was friends with since a child, had a fairly brief summer relationship in our teens and went on being friends for the best part of 15 years since we could go on a romantic weekend in Paris and absolutely nothing would happen. I know it's not the same thing as the OP but length of the relationship and if they were friends beforehand would make a difference to this.

If, however they were serious I'd run a mile.

Same as that - my fella has a best female friend (who I am great friends with now as well) who he was together with for 3 or 4 months a good few years ago. They were great friends before and tried to get it together, but were completely incompatible for a sexual relationship. Now, they both don't mention it and shudder to think of it really. Their friendship was too good to lose, and I can completely see why and they stayed in such regular contact with each other.

If I had met my fella within a year of them breaking up though, I would have some needs to be reassured that there was nothing else in it but friendship though. Have you asked your girlfriend why it didn't work out between them? If it's that they were or became physically incompatible and didn't fancy each other, then it's OK I'd reckon.

Gongoozler

I'm amazed at the assumptions in the replies.

Either you trust her or you don't. That's what it comes down to.

I was very close friends with my ex for a long time after we broke up, we were together for 4.5 years, and there's nothing between us. I met him about a year or so ago and we had a right old friendly chat.

Some actually lots of people can be friends with their exes. It depends on why and how they broke up.

You either don't know her very well, or you don't trust her.

LegacyUser

Gongoozler wrote: »

Either you trust her or you don't. That's what it comes down to.
.

Texting ex's and then staying weekend just after christmas and you think this amounts to a trust issue?
There is trust and there is just plain stupidity. IMO there is zero respect for their current relationship.

OP this doesnt sit right with a large number of replies. The way I see it you have two courses of action
1) Say you are going as well and you and her can get hotel room and visit friend. I wonder what her reaction to that will be !!!
2) Give her the choice its you or the dirty weekend.

Good luck

skallywag

Gongoozler wrote: »

I was very close friends with my ex for a long time after we broke up, we were together for 4.5 years, and there's nothing between us. I met him about a year or so ago and we had a right old friendly chat

You can't really compare having a friendly chat with an ex to staying with them for a few days, two different things completely to be fair.

ManOfMystery

Run for the hills OP. Situations like this rarely end well, they've happened to many of us all too often. Maybe like Gongoozler above she might be the exception to the rule, but I'd say it's more likely this will end with you being cheated on.

Look, in a perfect world we'd ALL have partners we trust 100% and there would never be any worries about crossing boundaries with exes. But this isn't a perfect world. Being in constant daily contact with an ex and then planning to go to England and stay with him for a few days (without asking you if you were even ok with this) is totally OTT in my opinion. When you're in a new relationship there are certain things you shouldn't do, and maintaining this level of intimacy with an ex is one of them.

gigglemuch82

I agree with above.

Why does she feel the need to be friends or better, be in daily contact with her ex? I have a feeling that there are unresolved issues/feelings there and it is very unhealthy for a new relationship and more - headwrecking from your part!

I'd have a serious chat with her and see why she is planning this trip. I wouldn't personally pursue this relationship - been in a similar situation and it just gets more complicated from there unless she stops talking to him for good.

MagicMarker

Forget about trust, whatever happened to boundaries?

This is totally inappropriate behaviour imo. If they're good friends and want to see each other, why not even ask the OP if he wanted to go with her?

PhiloCypher

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm amazed at the assumptions in the replies.

Either you trust her or you don't. That's what it comes down to.

I was very close friends with my ex for a long time after we broke up, we were together for 4.5 years, and there's nothing between us. I met him about a year or so ago and we had a right old friendly chat.

Some actually lots of people can be friends with their exes. It depends on why and how they broke up.

You either don't know her very well, or you don't trust her.

It's one thing to bump into an ex and have a catchup it's another to be in daily contact and be flying over to stay with your ex over Christmas while in a relationship .

I'm sorry to say I can't see this working op, I was in a similar position a few years ago and ended up ending it as like you it was too soon to be putting my foot down about it and it was just leaving me paranoid. Stayed in contact tho(ironic I know) and a month later got a sobbing text over some Christmas cards from an ex she'd found on yet another trip over to the UK to see him. So she clearly still had romantic feelings for him and was getting up to who knows what when she visited him when we were going out.

Now that's just my story, maybe it is perfectly innocent with her, but if you have even the smallest bit of a green eyed monster in you it's probably not worth the hassle imo.

bur

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

ManOfMystery

bur wrote: »

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

So basically just use her? That's ridiculous advice.

LegacyUser

I would not be happy with this so I can understand how you feel.
The reality is he is her ex so why does she need to keep in contact with him so much?
How long was she going out with him? Did they brake up because he was going to the Uk?
Why is she going over to England to meet him?
My feeling is that he may have gone to England for work and that she was never part of his plans. It could be the case that he asked her to go with him but due to job/college ect she could not go.
Another things to consider is that he know that she still feels something for him. He may not have asked her to go the uk with him but now he suddenly realises that he misses her.
He may want to get back together with her or show her how she could move over to him and get work there. Meanwhile she could be keeping you here as a back up if things don't work out as planned with him.

At this stage I would say to her why don't we go over together for a few days. We could say in such a hotel ( look up on line for the dates she is going) and then say to her I would like to meet ( the ex name)?
She how she reacts to this. If she is not happy to do this I would end things with her now.
To be honest she sounds like she expects to keep you waiting to see what happens with the ex before she decides if it is him or you in her life.

Sephiroth_dude

I would not be comfortable with this at all, I don't care how much reassurance she gave me, I wouldn't be happy with this situation at all.

MJ23

Ask her what she'd think if it was the other way around.

liz lemoncello

Potatoeman wrote: »

...

Who ended the relationship? If it was due to him moving I would run a mile.

I was also wondering if they broke up because he moved away or she moved back home. Texting every day seems excessive.

I think you are right to be uncomfortable about this.

ahnow

I think she's really overstepping the boundaries and respect of your relationship by even saying this to you-it looks really bad OP!

ColdTurkey

Just say she is completely innocent in the whole deal. or at least has convinced herself that she is. The ex knows exactly what's going on. He owes you nothing and he has nothing to lose. There's a shark in the water and for some reason your girlfriend wants a swim

LegacyUser

Speaking as someone who ended up sleeping with their ex when they returned for a few weeks, I can say that emotions and feelings will return for both parties involved. She told me when heading back it was like we were splitting up again

We text daily, keep in contact as we have such a cherished friendship. But I must admit since the last time things seem to have changed, like we are a lot more flirtatious in messages, more pictures sent.... I'm afraid of what will happen when she eventually returns to Ireland

What I'm trying to say is if your gf was in a serious relationship with this guy, her feelings to him may re-ignite and vice versa. Thus, a huge can of worms opens up.

Tread carefully OP

m'lady

From a personal perspective I wouldn't accept this off my partner and he certainly wouldn't off me- it's a complete lack of respect for the relationship. Why would she even want to see her ex for a weekend after Xmas, she should want to be spending it with you.

An ex is an ex for a reason, and maybe that reason is unresolved... You need to lay your cards on the table OP

Wompa1

Staying with him..that's messed up. If they were not speaking to each other regularly and broke up 5+ years ago and she just happened to be going to London, then it might be ok if they met for a drink of coffee or whatever.

But this stinks to high heaven. Break up with her, she's f*ckin you around and she knows it

stateofflux

bur wrote: »

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

what good is sex if you are being treated like a complete pathetic humiliated doormat

DukeOfTheSharp

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable and downright insulted if this happened to me. If the tables were turned, she'd probably lose her mind and swear you out until you canceled the plans. At the end of the day, talking to an ex is alright, staying with one is not - especially while in a new relationship. That's asking for a lot of trust from you in so little time. I'd lay it down fairly, either you can go with her, she cancels or you break up. If she wants to break up, let her, but don't bite if she comes at you with the trust excuse, but this is a matter of respecting your feelings and her, quite frankly, lack of comprehension that she can't treat your new relationship like this so soon? Or at all for that matter. She hit the sweet spot though; too early to put your foot down, not early enough to be committed. It's a dirty tactic and one I despise.

Whatever happened to people breaking up and hating their ex's, followed by forgetting all about them? Weren't those better times? Isn't that the natural way of things - break up, hate each other, move on, see each other at some point, have a nice chat and then forget they exist? I don't stay friends with my ex's for a reason: we broke up, we weren't compatible as people, how in god's name are we going to work outside of that?

CaraMay

There is no point forcing her to cancel as the intention / desire to stay with him is still there.

cizolin

This is a big no no. She's not showing you or the relationship any respect by doing this. With lack of respect comes the inevitable attraction killer. Lay down the law and demand that it's either you or her ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. You are meant to be her present and future

keysersoze0330

I'd be dumping this 'lady' immediately to prevent future heartache. The ex is obviously important to her and the issue will always be there.

indigo twist

cizolin wrote: »

An ex is an ex for a reason.

And sometimes the reason is that both parties realise they're better off as friends.

Example - I have a good friend who I dated for a short while years ago, and hooked up with on the odd night after that. It was just weird, for both of us, so we went back to being really close friends. This all happened years ago. He is now living in Australia, and if I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd certainly be heading over to visit him - and yeah, I'd probably stay with him and his (now) wife - and of course my boyfriend would be welcome to come too if he wanted to, but he wouldn't have the slightest problem with me going alone, even if my friend wasn't married now.

Similarly I'd have no problem with my boyfriend staying overnight with any of his female friends (whether they were exes or not) so long as I was sure that there were no unresolved feelings on either side.

It really depends on the people involved here. I just don't think we know enough about the people involved and their history to say a downright no.

Gelatomela

Break up with her, she clearly doesn't give a sh1t about your feelings. Take it is a positive now that you found out how she really values you.

Penny Tration

I'd be really unhappy in your position, OP.

I'm friends with an ex, and my boyfriend told me before he doesn't give a damn, wouldn't care if I stayed over with him, as he trusts me.

But, I wouldn't. I respect my partner too much to do that sort of thing. The most my ex gets is a chat every few weeks on viber, and the odd coffee.

Trust aside, she should respect you more than this

larrymiller

Make sure it's her time of the month when she goes