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Honestly, follow the advice and ask her outright. Keep it calm and tell her that if she doesn't give you the real reason, you're done with her. Don't get over-dramatic, just state it in a matter-of-fact way. Drama queens hate when you take the spectacle out of things. What's more, her repeated and consistent changing of your status, knowing full well it annoys you, seems to be her way of getting attention. You just want to know that she cares about you enough to actually include you in all aspects of her life. If she's not willing to do that, forget her. She's obviously incredibly immature for her age, and even for work, her facebook life is extremely unhealthy. I think she may need therapy, and I'm not joking, because she's leading a double life. In person your relationship is working, bumpy as it may be, but in her virtual world, she pokes and prods you until you get angry. Don't let her push your buttons, she sounds like she needs to grow up and you need maturity. Just make it clear that her mind games aren't appreciated and that she needs to grow up.
Having said that, if any relationship I ever got into was as bumpy as yours, I'd have ended it...and I have, because my god, I cannot stand drama queens, their lives are not that interesting. Nobody needs drama, it's stupid and pointless.0 -
Has it occurred to you that she might be embarrassed by you online, or is trying to protect you?
She might be living her life out online but with some self censorship either to remain "vague" or "mysterious" about her romantic life or to get people guessing.... that is a possibility BUT also if she is as you say, in a job that attracts male attention, maybe she is trying to protect your privacy by removing the link?
She might be living her life out online, but you are basing your actual real world relationship status on what is posted on a social network, letting that define if you are in a relationship or not, which at any time, could have a glitch that changes anyone's status or settings at any random moment.
Does age difference matter to her? You said she's early 20s, maybe to her and her circle of friends and males she messages she's embarrassed by going out with someone that to others could be considered "really old"? Or maybe through work stuff there's been digs and hints that she should alter her relationship status to keep interest in her and whatever the work is she does (I'm assuming bar or club promotions?) ? Maybe she feels she needs to constantly update and keep her profile fresh and new both personally and professionally?
She could also be deliberately disregarding your feelings about it by being "rebellious" in not maintaining your request to wreck your head or to prove a point that what she does and doesn't do on her facebook page is nobody's business but hers, and nobody will dictate or decide how her relationship status should be?
I don't know tbh but if you are not able to have a proper conversation where she actually explains what the deal is or can actually understand any feelings you have about it being repeatedly changed, and it still is a problem to you what she changes it to (and not something you can ignore knowing it has no meaning in changing it) then consider whether you want your head wrecked like that or not as part and parcel of being in a relationship with that person.0 -
An update:
She texted me last night and asked if we were alright? (I guess she knew the changing of status would have upset me) I asked her why she changed it? She said she felt weird about it. I said the only reason i could see was that she didn't want one or more people knowing about me. She said nope, just feels weird. I told her that it was important to me and saying she just felt weird about it was not a good enough explanation. She wanted to meet up but I’m a bit sick so we decided to do a phone call instead.
I could tell this phone call was a struggle for her (its easy to forget how shy she is when it comes to personal stuff). I always knew she never told me the true story of her feelings and she only really opened up to me about her feelings a couple of times and that was usually after a few drinks. The conversation was so refreshing just because she was fully open with me and I didn’t need to fill in the gaps in what she was thinking, even tho what she had to say was not roaring endorsement of our relationship.
So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t. She said more times she does than she doesn’t. I said it wasn’t fair to me for to change her relationship status and let me fill in the pieces of what’s going on. I told her if she can’t talk to me about her feelings whether they hurt me or not, then the relationship is doomed anyway and it will never work. I told her she can’t bottle up all her issues inside, she needs to talk to people or those issues will never be resolved. I told her it doesn’t necessarily have to be me she talks about her feelings but she needs someone. She told me she has nobody she feels comfortable with or trusts enough to talk to. This made me feel really sad for her, thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook but not one true friend she can share with.
I told her its ok if she wants to end the relationship, I won’t be mad, I’d be upset but eventually I’d move on and I’d appreciate the honesty. We were friends before the relationship and the only way we can be friends after the relationship, is if we tell each other the truth so there won’t be any resentment.
She asked me how I felt about the relationship. I told her I thought we get on pretty well and we always have fun but my biggest issues are her inability to fully commit to the relationship and open up to me. I said I feel she doesn’t fully commit because she’s afraid it won’t work out which she agreed. To which I said, if you don’t fully commit to the relationship it’s not going to work out anyway. Catch 22.
At the end of the phone call she said she still wants to be in this relationship and I said ok but obviously we need to talk more and figure out what’s the best for both of us.
We are not going to see each other till the weekend because of our schedules so I’ll have time think about all this and see where I go from here…I don’t know which way it’s going to go.
I like her but it’s clear to me she has a lot of baggage and her inability to talk it out means it may never get resolved. I want to help her become more open and talk but I don’t know if I can as capacity of boyfriend.
Personally how I feel is because Facebook is such a big deal to her, adding me as her boyfriend on Facebook is a big commitment for her and I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me. Otherwise I feel she is just in a causal relationship with no major strings attached which she is ready to drop when it suits her. Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on. We need to sit down and see if this is what we both want first but once we come out of this phase of whether we will continue or not, if we decided to continue, I think I need that commitment.
Sorry for the rambling, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. Any input appreciated, as long as you don’t call us a bunch of immature teenagers (immature maybe!!).0 -
scared_silly wrote: »An update:
She texted me last night and asked if we were alright? (I guess she knew the changing of status would have upset me) I asked her why she changed it? She said she felt weird about it. I said the only reason i could see was that she didn't want one or more people knowing about me. She said nope, just feels weird. I told her that it was important to me and saying she just felt weird about it was not a good enough explanation. She wanted to meet up but I’m a bit sick so we decided to do a phone call instead.
I could tell this phone call was a struggle for her (its easy to forget how shy she is when it comes to personal stuff). I always knew she never told me the true story of her feelings and she only really opened up to me about her feelings a couple of times and that was usually after a few drinks. The conversation was so refreshing just because she was fully open with me and I didn’t need to fill in the gaps in what she was thinking, even tho what she had to say was not roaring endorsement of our relationship.
So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t. She said more times she does than she doesn’t. I said it wasn’t fair to me for to change her relationship status and let me fill in the pieces of what’s going on. I told her if she can’t talk to me about her feelings whether they hurt me or not, then the relationship is doomed anyway and it will never work. I told her she can’t bottle up all her issues inside, she needs to talk to people or those issues will never be resolved. I told her it doesn’t necessarily have to be me she talks about her feelings but she needs someone. She told me she has nobody she feels comfortable with or trusts enough to talk to. This made me feel really sad for her, thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook but not one true friend she can share with.
I told her its ok if she wants to end the relationship, I won’t be mad, I’d be upset but eventually I’d move on and I’d appreciate the honesty. We were friends before the relationship and the only way we can be friends after the relationship, is if we tell each other the truth so there won’t be any resentment.
She asked me how I felt about the relationship. I told her I thought we get on pretty well and we always have fun but my biggest issues are her inability to fully commit to the relationship and open up to me. I said I feel she doesn’t fully commit because she’s afraid it won’t work out which she agreed. To which I said, if you don’t fully commit to the relationship it’s not going to work out anyway. Catch 22.
At the end of the phone call she said she still wants to be in this relationship and I said ok but obviously we need to talk more and figure out what’s the best for both of us.
We are not going to see each other till the weekend because of our schedules so I’ll have time think about all this and see where I go from here…I don’t know which way it’s going to go.
I like her but it’s clear to me she has a lot of baggage and her inability to talk it out means it may never get resolved. I want to help her become more open and talk but I don’t know if I can as capacity of boyfriend.
Personally how I feel is because Facebook is such a big deal to her, adding me as her boyfriend on Facebook is a big commitment for her and I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me. Otherwise I feel she is just in a causal relationship with no major strings attached which she is ready to drop when it suits her. Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on. We need to sit down and see if this is what we both want first but once we come out of this phase of whether we will continue or not, if we decided to continue, I think I need that commitment.
Sorry for the rambling, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. Any input appreciated, as long as you don’t call us a bunch of immature teenagers (immature maybe!!).
Of course you can, but it's not going to be easy. You're going to have to be the one opening the dialogue each time. It sounds like you're going to have to be patient, maybe look on the whole Facebook thing as something that will come in time and work on building the relationship up. To quote Psych:
Talking is key to any relationship, just look back on other people's posts in here and see how often it comes up as advice. Talking about problems early and often is the best approach.Shawn Spencer wrote:Remember the rule: Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again.0 -
scared_silly wrote: »I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me... Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on.
I'm sorry, what? Why do you 'need' her to add you on Facebook? This is clearly ridiculous. Adding someone on Facebook shouldn't justify your relationship with them.
Welcome to the 21st century! I'm sorry if my advice isn't constructive enough but insisting someone adds you as their 'significant other' on a social networking site does not qualify a relationship in my book.
If FB means that much to you then I'm not really sure what to say about that. Bizarre really.0 -
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To be honest, I think you're not the only one she's in a relationship with. Surely everybody important she has added on FB knows you're together, so there's no need to be secretive about it? When my bf and I got together officially, we just put it as "in a relationship with __" as there was no point in not. Maybe that's she hasn't got your name on FB as you're not the only name she should be sticking up there?0
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You don't fall in and out of love day by day. She either loves you or she doesn't. From what she's said, it doesn't sound as though she does.0
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I can really think of no bigger insult than my boyfriend to say he *sometimes* wants to be in a committed relationship with me and sometimes doesn't. Fcuk that. Humour yourself on your own time & don't waste my time or my life.
It really sounds like she needs convincing and reassuring that she should be with you and while she's making up her mind she can mess around with stupid Facebook statuses and keep the door open to other men.
That's not how healthy adult relationships work. You don't sit up each morning and think, "hmm, not really feeling it today. Time for a status change!" I mean, really? Does that sound acceptable to you? Do you really think that's something you can handle, in light of how insecure & absolutely head wrecked you're already feeling?0 -
OP, I'll start by saying that I can believe everything in your most recent post. I think you have done quite well in getting closer to the nub of the problem. The Facebook thing isn't the issue at all: it's just a symptom.
It's not that rare for people to be afraid of commitment. Very often, what is needed is time for confidence to grow that the relationship has a prospect of lasting. Two months is not a great deal of time for long-term confidence to develop.
What is at issue here is a relationship that is relatively new and, as you tell us, has not been entirely smooth. I suspect that, in addition to the uncertainties she has admitted, you are bringing your own insecurities into the set of difficulties that you are both experiencing. I am also a bit thrown by how ready you seem to be to walk away from things. How committed are you to the relationship?0 -
If she won't update her relationship status on facebook for you, would sending a tweet announcing that ye are in a relationship be of any help?0
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Op,
This isn't a Facebook issue. This is an issue where you are involved with a girl who clearly puts her Facebook image ahead of you.
As someone who grew up in the pre social media age, I am constantly baffled by how this thing has affected people.
I'm on it but I'm a lurker and tend to update rarely unless I want to show off by checking in somewhere exotic to prove my life isn't mundane.
You have only been going out a couple of months and you have never mentioned why you even like this girl. Its been drama after drama.
Do you really want to be involved with someone who is that obsessed with Facebook or how they even look on Facebook?
Its very clear she's not sure about you and I think you should just let this one go.
She's headwrecking and needs to mature before she can be part of anyone's life because she's currently in a relationship with Facebook.
Constant profile pic changes and status updates? Just screams attention seeker.
If its this hard now, it ain't gonna get better.0 -
I'm sorry, what? Why do you 'need' her to add you on Facebook? This is clearly ridiculous. Adding someone on Facebook shouldn't justify your relationship with them.
Welcome to the 21st century! I'm sorry if my advice isn't constructive enough but insisting someone adds you as their 'significant other' on a social networking site does not qualify a relationship in my book.
If FB means that much to you then I'm not really sure what to say about that. Bizarre really.
this is totally unfair. it is clear from OP's posts that fb is not important to him but it is hugely important to his girlfriend so her refusal to acknowledge him online is representative of her true feelings.0 -
this is totally unfair. it is clear from OP's posts that fb is not important to him but it is hugely important to his girlfriend so her refusal to acknowledge him online is representative of her true feelings.
Yes, but it shouldn't classify his relationship with her. 'in the real world' it sounds like she's not entirely sure about a relationship with him... that's what the OP should be concentrating on, not a social network site.
honest to god, people need to start living their lives here, now, in the present and get off the internet for 5 minutes.
Sounds blunt but if he needs to 'push' his girlfriend on this it's ludicrous, in my humble opinion. "I feel I need her to add me to show me she is committed to me"... she didn't add you, she removed you, that's showing you, time to move on. Maybe in your next relationship you'll actually speak to eachother, face-to-face and leave the internet for work.0 -
It's not about Facebook, it's a complete communication breakdown as seen through Facebook.
It sounds like neither of you is particularly committed to the whole thing, she's into drama, everyone is reading things into the Facebook side but neither of you is sitting down to address the elephant in the room.
Talk to each other like adults, face to face or
Call it quits.0 -
I can really think of no bigger insult than my boyfriend to say he *sometimes* wants to be in a committed relationship with me and sometimes doesn't. Fcuk that. Humour yourself on your own time & don't waste my time or my life.
It really sounds like she needs convincing and reassuring that she should be with you and while she's making up her mind she can mess around with stupid Facebook statuses and keep the door open to other men.
That's not how healthy adult relationships work. You don't sit up each morning and think, "hmm, not really feeling it today. Time for a status change!" I mean, really? Does that sound acceptable to you? Do you really think that's something you can handle, in light of how insecure & absolutely head wrecked you're already feeling?
Best response here. Dealing with the issue at hand without being condescending.0 -
OP, you've been together for a grand total of 8 weeks, this is a ridiculous amount of drama so soon into the "relationship".
At this stage in the relationship you should be like loved up teenagers going at it like rabbits. Just do the inevitable and break up.0 -
Just ask her about it.
Facebook is not for talking to people in your life. That is what life is for.
Some people are facebook fidgets. I am .
The people I talk to most in life I never interact with online.
Don't use it as a barometer of your relationship. It means nothing.
It could be she does not want to have to change it if things don't work out.0 -
scared_silly wrote: »
So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t.
If someone said this to me I'd dump them straight away.0 -
Two months into a relationship? That seems to me to be a bit hasty.Barely There wrote: »If someone said this to me I'd dump them straight away.
I think that part of OP's difficulty is that the relationship is still in its early stages, with all the uncertainties that people often experience as they try to figure out how they feel about one another.0 -
In "the good ol' days" before people lived their lives online and allowed every acquaintance they ever met in on every minute detail of their lives, what your gf would be feeling would be perfectly normal 2 months into a relationship... Except she wouldn't be broadcasting it on the internet.
Of course at 8 weeks in she doesn't know if you are "the one". Do you know she's "the one", would you be comfortable enough to prpose to her tonight and pledge to spend the rest of your life with her? Of course not. After 2 months, talk of being "the one", or not is a bit premature. Your relationship, at this stage, should be fun, easy, relaxed and more or less just between the 2 of you. I would have been going out with my husband longer than that before I told my parents. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours etc would have found out much later when the news naturally filtered down to them.
I would find it unusual to contact every one of my relatives, every time I started going out with someone to let them all know. Which is effectively what Facebook allows you to do in one go.
8 weeks.... Try to enjoy your relationship. Try not to focus on who knows about you or who doesn't at this stage. Think about if Facebook didn't exist.. would you be ringing around to everyone telling them you are going out with someone?
Social media, and media in general seems to force relationships along at a pace that is not natural. The early days of a relationship should be fun, where you are figuring out if you do actually really like this person, and if there is a future in the relationship. That is what your gf is doing. Except instead of doing it in private, like we all did "in the olden days" she has made the mistake of telling everyone too soon.
I suggest you both remove your relationship status for at least 6 months. At that stage, you should know if you are in long term relationship or not, and then you can announce to the world that you are "in a relationship with....."0 -
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I didn't see the only 8 weeks together. That makes it easier by a long shot.
I would walk away.0
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