Any aggressive ex's

Lau2976 · 30-01-2015 11:47am #1

An ex of mine who was particularly violent (ended up arrested for it) is getting married later this year :eek: Good luck to the girl!

I was curious as to how many of you's had violent ex's?

pwurple · 30-01-2015 12:12pm

None, thank goodness. But I tend to be attracted to kindness in a guy above other attributes, so maybe I was selecting them out.

username000 · 30-01-2015 12:21pm

I had one who I think could have been violent if he was pushed. Not sure, he was kind of unpredictable. Although I never ever witnessed or experienced him being violent, I did experience him being threatening and aggressive, one occasion stands out in particular where he punched the headboard above my head - I broke up with him shortly afterwards.

He had a brother who had injured himself a few times smashing up things in the house while fighting with his wife and when I said how I thought that that was terrible he responded that the brother smashed things so as not to hit the wife - so in his mind the brother was actually being a good guy!?!

I wouldnt be able to handle violence or aggression on a regular basis, grew up with a bullying alcoholic father - saw enough emotional violence and threatening behaviour to last me a lifetime and am pretty sure there was physical violence behind closed doors.

eviltwin · 30-01-2015 1:01pm

I wonder if she's aware of his past. Poor girl.

I've never been in a violent relationship myself or known any violent men. A friend of mine dated a guy for two years in her early twenties and we only found out years later he used to beat her. She was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time.

Unfortunately I do know some men who I would consider to be quite controlling, their parners tend to give in to them. I often wonder if she were to say no would he become violent.

Lau2976 · 30-01-2015 1:45pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder if she's aware of his past. Poor girl.

I've never been in a violent relationship myself or known any violent men. A friend of mine dated a guy for two years in her early twenties and we only found out years later he used to beat her. She was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time.

Unfortunately I do know some men who I would consider to be quite controlling, their parners tend to give in to them. I often wonder if she were to say no would he become violent.

That's the worst part, she knows exactly what he's done in the past and she's still willing to date him. It's very sad.

I think a lot of people are, he didn't beat me while we dated but he was very controlling and then when we broke up he did. I was so ashamed and embarrassed after it I didn't want to tell anybody. I felt like I had the "wrong" reaction.

Penny Tration · 30-01-2015 4:35pm

I've 2 violent exes.

One was physically violent when he was drunk.

One was sexually and physically violent whenever he felt like it.

I grew up in an abusive, violent home, so I guess i followed suit.

A few friends, and two of my sisters, have had violent relationships. It's shockingly common, IME

Neyite · 30-01-2015 4:47pm

Once.

Mostly emotional and verbal abuse, but physical abuse had started by the time I walked - mostly pushing and shoving, and I'd put money on it that if I had stayed, I'd be a punch bag for him by now. Or quite possibly dead or disabled as I found out a few things afterwards that made me realise that he was more sadistic and cruel than I had realised.

His father was abusive, his mother a scared little mouse in her own home. His paternal grandfather routinely hammered his grandmother. So, apples and trees really.

Children learn their relationship cues from their parents. Girls will grow up to assume that men are allowed to treat their partners like that, boys grow up to BE like that. And the cycle continues.

30-01-2015 6:22pm

I'd be quite a quiet person, and physically I'm very small and slightly built. My first boyfriend was a big guy and never hurt me physically, but I remember a few times when he'd text to see if I was home and be quite annoyed if it was later than I'd told him. He didn't like when I'd change my plans without telling him, although we didn't live together. As it was my first relationship and I was young, I didn't know this was a big warning.

One time I was 5 minutes late to meet him and he asked me if I was late because I'd been talking to men. I laughed because I thought it had to be a joke, and he leaned down and whispered in my ear 'Sometimes, when I'm angry, I think about how easy it would be to break your neck and put you in a wheelchair'. Again, it was so bizarre that I didn't think he could be serious until I saw the rage on his face. Over the next few days there were other similar instances.

Luckily I was leaving to do a Masters in a uni some distance away and told him the night before I left that I'd told the police of his 'jokes', I'd told friends, and I'd told family. I still feel stupid that I didn't cop on much sooner.

So, yes and no. I had an aggressive ex but he never touched me in anger, he just terrified me psychologically. I still remember the shaking after that first time. I shook with fright for days, I couldn't even write my name.

Neyite · 30-01-2015 7:32pm

Candie, the skilled ones rarely need to beat their partner, because their threats are usually terrifying enough to keep her in line.

30-01-2015 8:51pm

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I've 2 violent exes.

One was physically violent when he was drunk.

One was sexually and physically violent whenever he felt like it.

I grew up in an abusive, violent home, so I guess i followed suit.

A few friends, and two of my sisters, have had violent relationships. It's shockingly common, IME

You poor thing.

I hope you're getting/got the help you deserve. xx

Littlekittylou · 30-01-2015 9:08pm

eviltwin wrote: »

A friend of mine dated a guy for two years in her early twenties and we only found out years later he used to beat her. She was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time.

Yup. Physically abusive emotionally etc yup.

I had one. Shudders. Yeah.

I will get back to this topic actually.

I am having a nice evening no need to ruin it.

I will never make that mistake again. Not just the bad stuff. Nice people deserve to be with nice people. I want to be in a healthy relationship with a sweet person who loves me and also a guy who understands what it is to be loved and enjoys that. Affection should be enjoyed by both parties.

Candie, the skilled ones rarely need to beat their partner, because their threats are usually terrifying enough to keep her in line.

To a point this is true. But it is also just loss of temper for some anger management. Or substance abuse.

I will never be with a person like that again. Other exes have been pretty ok ...not perfect not Mr right yet but good humans. I have known great decency and sweetness in others.

I am not going to post any more right now. But I have a lot to be thankful for.

I feel very free and loved by those in my life right now. I have great friends a great family.I don't have to find one to be happy or complete, I will find a great sweet guy.

And obviously same goes for guys with aggressive GF's. You will never get it perfect for them....it's not about you it's about them making you think it's about you. The only thing better than being perfect is to be free.

Be free.

It's not about you its about them trying to make you think it's about you. And don't think kindness is a thing that is owed or counted when you find a good person and they like you they enjoy being kind and not angry. People in love are just in love with each other. I want a healthy happy life.

As I said I will leave it there for now.

Interested to read others though.

Penny Tration · 30-01-2015 9:51pm

Candie wrote: »

You poor thing. I hope you're getting/got the help you deserve. xx

I did, and I'm happy, healthy, full of confidence and in a fantastic relationship with a well adjusted, normal man

xx

TheBeardedLady · 30-01-2015 9:52pm

No, though was seeing a real prick in my early 20s for a few months. Things were really great initially then they went absolutely pear shaped when I discovered he was an a complete racist, snob, bigot...you name it....all round arsehole, basically.

When I ended it, he threatened his housemate who is one of my best friends (I'd met him through her)by shoving her against the wall by her neck and insisting she talk to me, tried to poison her and set her bedroom on fire!

I remember staying in their flat on her couch one night months after ending it as I was still living at home with my parents and was out in Dublin city and needed somewhere to sleep. I woke up to him hurling horrible abuse at me then he threw my shoes in the canal across the road. I make light of it now but at the time, I was really thrown and I remember seeing him with a girl walking through Dublin and I'd an urge to warn her. I always wonder what he's up to now. He'd genuine issues.

A family member was in one for a number of years and the stories are unreal. I feel extreme anger on their behalf that they had to go through that.

Penny Tration · 30-01-2015 10:01pm

Holy god.

What a complete and utter psychopath :eek:

TheBeardedLady · 30-01-2015 10:10pm

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Holy god.

What a complete and utter psychopath :eek:

Actually, he might've been a genuine psycho/sociopath. He was also incredibly good-looking and could get women, including myself, very easily. One of these very charming, very, very attractive fellas who use those traits to manipulate people. Luckily I ended it when I did.

Carlos Orange · 30-01-2015 11:11pm

Neyite wrote: »

Children learn their relationship cues from their parents. Girls will grow up to assume that men are allowed to treat their partners like that, boys grow up to BE like that. And the cycle continues.

I think that is a little simplistic. One of my ex girlfriends had been in two abusive marriages before we went out. Her son had his head on straight (as far as I could tell anyway), two of her daughters were in abusive relationships but one as the abuser and the other as the victim.

Littlekittylou · 30-01-2015 11:24pm

My ex threw himself at me.Nothing to do with dating but people who know how to put me at ease tend to be attractive to me.He was spritely, lively and seemed friendly. He accepted me.

He could have these wild ideas. He loved animals and when his died he became convinced of this crazy idea that his neighbour had killed it. There was no reason to think that.

I was brushing my own hair the wrong way. I messed up the pasta and it stuck together when he said to stir it. I was wearing the wrong coat. All the violence and twisted things he said. To him it all amounted to the suffering HE was going through. Why was I trying to make him feel so bad? If I said arguments did not have to get physical it set him off 'You are doing it again you want it all your way you are so controlling'. Why was I manipulating him by saying I was going to leave? Didn't i realize that was so unfair. It was disloyal I would never find someone who was a loyal as him etc etc etc. Men just wanted me for my looks. He was real etc etc.Anything I gave him I was petty for worrying about. I bought him food. I found him a better place to live. If I was told I was being selfish for wanting to be treated like a human and reminded him of how I was helping or trying to be there for him and helping him deal with pressures I was told I was being 'petty' for pointing it out. I was doing it for appearances and ego. He was about 'truth'. He was insecure and manipulative.
But he had a hard life himself and I suppose I kept telling myself that this was a phase and he would go back to being the guy he was at the beginning. When he was less stressed or things were better. But he wasn't like this with just me though.

He wasn't all bad. You end up holding out for the good bits of them until you hate even that.
I never would have guessed at the beginning he was like that. He was the least person I would have thought would have hurt me.

I don't hate i have let it all go and I now realize how many wonderful sweet men there are who would love a girl like me cuz i am lovely and special :-)

I want a healthy happy relationship ....it's the only way to go. Someone who loves you just does they want you to feel secure and happy and you them. They let you know and feel you are important, because to them you are.

You can be happy single too of course for the right reasons :-)

Lucacino · 31-01-2015 3:43am

Define aggressive. My husband is genuinely a sweet gentle guy but, when we went through a bad patch, he was aggressive a few times usually when he was drunk. A couple of times in the middle of a fight, I pushed him and he pushed me back hard. We were not drinking. I was aggressive too. Once when he was drunk on my birthday he got annoyed with me for some reason and wanted to leave my party. He kept telling me to leave him alone. I begged him to stay. He pushed me away a couple of times. We both went home in a taxi and he tried to leave again. He tried to push past me and I put my hands on his chest to stop him and begged him to stay. He pushed me into our sofa so hard the back of it broke, then held me there for a few seconds and dropped me, then left. He came back the next morning full of remorse. We worked on improving our marriage a lot after that and he barely drank for 6 months (just one beer in a night). We are still together and there has been no pushing etc for nearly 2 years. He still gets aggressive when he's drunk - not physically, he just gets angry really easily and can be impatient and mean, not like himself at all really. I don't like him when he's drunk and I wish he'd give it up altogether

fits · 31-01-2015 9:42am

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Actually, he might've been a genuine psycho/sociopath. He was also incredibly good-looking and could get women, including myself, very easily. One of these very charming, very, very attractive fellas who use those traits to manipulate people. Luckily I ended it when I did.

I have one of these too and am so thankful i got out early (wasnt necessarily by choice). He has a child with someone now and i genuinely hope shes able to deal with him as i wouldnt have been. He was never violent though.

shakencat · 03-02-2015 11:53am

my first boyfriend was violent,
as you can guess i didn't like it.

I have managed to veer away from the violent ones now, thank god

shakencat · 03-02-2015 11:57am

fits wrote: »

I have one of these too and am so thankful i got out early (wasnt necessarily by choice). He has a child with someone now and i genuinely hope shes able to deal with him as i wouldnt have been. He was never violent though.

I had the exact same, and he also has a child.
wonder if its the same person

hahah

mazdaminx · 03-02-2015 8:09pm

I was half afraid of my very recent ex. He'd completely overreact over nothing, get into a rage. Was scary.

Warrior1916 · 03-02-2015 8:38pm

Thank God I have never had an aggressive ex....but I have had some liars and cheats and alcoholics .....:)

beks101 · 05-02-2015 3:47am

Yeah no aggressive exes at all actually, I'm surprised and dismayed at how common it seems to be. I've date lots of absolute eejits for sure but I've never been with someone who I've felt threatened or intimidated by physically. Must be terrifying.

The Corinthian · 05-02-2015 12:08pm

Littlekittylou wrote: »

And obviously same goes for guys with aggressive GF's. You will never get it perfect for them....it's not about you it's about them making you think it's about you. The only thing better than being perfect is to be free.

Been there have the T-shirt.

The primary tactic is that if you disagree with them in any way, object or argue, they adopt a "strong offence is the best defense" tactic; essentially banking on you backing down in fear of it escalating further.

If you don't then it will end up in violence of one type or other. I learned early on never to have an argument in the kitchen, because that could be very, very dangerous. Glasses, bottles or plates can easily be flung at you without warning, and most terrifying of all is the possibility that a knife will be picked up because you know that when she sees red, it makes no difference to her.

With no weapons to hand, the chances of serious damage are decreased, typically to a minor bruise or a few scratches, but still remain. I once received some form of nerve damage (or some-such) which meant I could hardly move my left thumb for months after.

Worst of all is that you're terrified to even defend yourself, because if you do and, God forbid, you end up bruising her, you will be the one thrown in jail.

Anyhow, regardless of gender, I suspect many of the same tactics are used in these situations, as is the nauseating justification that they lose their temper because of you.

Saralee4 · 11-02-2015 3:23pm

Thank god I haven't experienced anything too bad. Just mind games and put downs. I do remember not seeing things clearly though and thinking his put downs were valid. It was strange, he would pick out something that he thought i had slight insecurity about and highlight it, sometimes under the guise of concern or sometimes just to be nasty. He would even do it in public shamelessly but i was so embarressed by his behaviour.

He was very charming, dramatic and seductive but could change like a switch to irritable, indifferent, angry or passive aggressive based on nothing.

It's sad that people can have such warped ideas about love. I think most abusive people have a need to control people perhaps they felt a lack of control growing up. I heard before that the opposite to love is power rather than hate. I don't think abusive people hate their target, I think they just have this overwhelming need to control them based on some irrational subconscious fear inside them. It's a shame because they will never get to feel true intimacy and love with someone when I think deep down that is what they crave. Anyway it's not the other person's fault and ultimately and unfortunately you can't change these people and that rarely happens since they don't seem to recognise what they are doing is wrong.

beks101 · 12-02-2015 2:48am

Saralee4 wrote: »

It's sad that people can have such warped ideas about love. I think most abusive people have a need to control people perhaps they felt a lack of control growing up. I heard before that the opposite to love is power rather than hate. I don't think abusive people hate their target, I think they just have this overwhelming need to control them based on some irrational subconscious fear inside them.

This is very true. And I think in the haze of those romantic feelings - infatuation, desire, obsession and fixation etc - it's very easy to overlook such behaviours or to accept them as just part and parcel of the relationship. "He wouldn't kick off/lash out like that if he didn't love me".

I know I would've been a bit guilty of that in the past. As I said I've never been the target of aggression, but the other insidious stuff, the put-downs, the hot-and-cold, the selfishness, emotional volatility or unavailability and the "state of ya"s but "I'm only having a laugh" etc formed a large part of what I really believed 'love' or at least relationships were. They were drama, they were working hard at keeping someone on-side, they were accepting sh1tty behaviour because, shur, most lads are like that etc...and it's a very hard mindset to shake because it perpetuates itself when you continue to attract the same kind of lad, the same kind of behaviour.

I'd imagine there may be similarities with the victims of aggressive behaviour in a relationship too, which can make it difficult to leave.

Littlekittylou · 12-02-2015 3:07am

beks101 wrote: »

This is very true. And I think in the haze of those romantic feelings - infatuation, desire, obsession and fixation etc - it's very easy to overlook such behaviours or to accept them as just part and parcel of the relationship. "He wouldn't kick off/lash out like that if he didn't love me".

I know I would've been a bit guilty of that in the past. As I said I've never been the target of aggression, but the other insidious stuff, the put-downs, the hot-and-cold, the selfishness, emotional volatility or unavailability and the "state of ya"s but "I'm only having a laugh" etc formed a large part of what I really believed 'love' or at least relationships were. They were drama, they were working hard at keeping someone on-side, they were accepting sh1tty behaviour because, shur, most lads are like that etc...and it's a very hard mindset to shake because it perpetuates itself when you continue to attract the same kind of lad, the same kind of behaviour.

I'd imagine there may be similarities with the victims of aggressive behaviour in a relationship too, which can make it difficult to leave.

Very true. Most men I grew up with were kind and loving. I have a fairly stringent idea of what I want in a relationship now.

I am determined never to be in that position again ever.

Most men are decent I think it's important to note that. And same for women.

Bar that one I have been honored to know and be with many fascinating wonderful kind men.

Any aggressive ex's

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