Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

I've just had a baby, and it seems I'm suffering from post-natal anxiety and panic disorder. I've seen the GP a few times and, while he's diagnosed what it is, he's reluctant to prescribe anything. But it's twelve weeks now (the longest twelve weeks of my life!) and it's getting no better. I'm seeing a mental health consultant in my maternity hospital tomorrow morning.

I just need to get sorted. I'm starting to feel so angry at myself for feeling this way, and so guilty that it's affecting my baby. I've noticed that, when I've had episodes of panic when in public (and I've had a couple of major meltdowns, while out alone with him), he has slept all the way through them, even if he's not due a nap. In general he does that - the lower I feel, the better he behaves. I'm worried he does it because he's scared of me when I'm like that. And I would never ever, never in a million years do anything to hurt him - thank god I've never felt that way, I'd actually have to check myself into hospital or something if I ever felt like that!

Killer_banana wrote: »

I had a horrible experience around 5am this morning where I had what felt like an intrusive thought, an auditory hallucination and the tale end of a dream all rolled into one. It just kept 'playing' over and over in my head until I listened to music to drown it out. Also I know playing music to drown out a sound not actually there shouldn't make any sense but I have exploding head syndrome (yes it's really called that) and listening to music on my ipod always somehow silences the hallucinations. It doesn't affect me much these days but I used to have auditory hallucinations every night as a teenager (possibly because I never got enough sleep).

This is a thing?! :eek:

I've just Googled auditory hallucinations. I'm pretty sure this is what happened to me a few nights ago, as I was lying in bed at 5am after being unable to sleep all night. I heard my boyfriend's voice right behind me saying "shakey shakey shakey", but I turned over and asked him and he was up feeding the baby the other side of the bed and had said nothing. I said that I must actually be going properly insane ... and he said that it was past tense, I've already gone insane. In hindsight he was joking, but it didn't feel that way at the time. I was convinced I was gone proper batsh*t crazy.

And then I was at a baby massage class that I go to every week, and at the end of it there's this wee ritual where you pick up the baby's feet and shake them while saying "shakey shakey shakey". I'd never thought of that at the time. It somehow made me feel better that it had come from somewhere, that it wasn't just in my own head ... because it seemed a really sinister phrase to pop in there!

My big fears:
- I'm afraid to seek help in case my baby will be taken from me. The PHN assures me that this would only happen in the most extreme cases, where the child is obviously in danger (and she says she's not concerned about that in my case.)
- Cot death. Oh god, I'm so afraid of this. I was at a paediatric first aid course today, where the paramedic was telling a roomful of mothers and new babies about coming to a house to find the child blue/grey and it being too late to do anything ... I could have done without that imagery. I'm constantly checking his breathing, and absolutely freak out at my boyfriend if he ever inadvertently breaks any of the guidelines (e.g. if the room is too warm, or if he leaves a bib or something in his cot, or doesn't have him down at the end of it.)
- I will have a heart attack or stroke when my boyfriend is at work, and he'll arrive home to me dead and a baby that hasn't fed in hours. I'm a perfectly healthy young woman - no reason to worry about this - but I do.
- My boyfriend will leave me over this. Or, worse (in a way), fall out of love with me but stay there for the sake of the baby. He is so reassuring but I still worry. I certainly couldn't put up with me at the moment!
- I work in a stressful job. I absolutely cannot imagine going back there in July. But I don't have a choice, we need the money. The PHN suggested that if I'm not ready, we can organise a sick cert without actually saying exactly what's wrong with me. But that's not the solution either. Staying at home all day with only my own thoughts isn't exactly helping!

It's all, what-if, what-if, what-if. It's terrifying, the amount of horrible thoughts that go through my head a million times a day. And then sometimes it just overwhelms me and I go into full-on panic mode.

Today was the first day that, as well as feeling anxious and worried, I actually felt really low, sad, angry at myself, guilty at how I'm feeling and the fact that I can't just, well, cop myself and and stop feeling this way. And if I heard someone saying that, before all this happened, I'd know that they shouldn't feel that way at all and it's all outside their control. Hard to reassure yourself when you're in that position yourself though.

As the PHN said, I'm actually doing well because I'm seeking help so early, I can see that there's a problem. She said often women are several months or even years in before they can admit that.

I just want to be fixed, I want to be able to enjoy this time with my baby. It's so precious and goes by so quickly.

I'm just so thankful I've been able to bond with him fine, no issues there. I love him to bits. He is amazing. But I need to get myself better to be the best mum that I can to him.