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Seperation advice for the man

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Comments

  • #32
    lulu1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    OP I admire you for paying the morgage and keeping a roof over your kids head as well as paying for their upkeep. But I have to say that I do think that you are being taken advantage off here. Y our wife must be getting some kind of sw payment and yer man as well. I would defo talk to her and tell her to pay her fair share. OP why would they even bother their heads when you are there throwing money at her and the useless excuse for a man that she is living with. I hope you dont take offence because I am defo on your side


  • #33
    desbrook
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Jawgap wrote: »
    Yes, it's called winning the battle and losing the war. You think the kids will ever forget (or be allowed forget) the role their Dad played in forcing them to give up their home, maybe change schools and move away from their friends into rented accommodation?

    Their mam and her boyfriend would have played a greater role. Can you not see that??


  • #34
    Jawgap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,297 ✭✭✭✭Jawgap


    desbrook wrote: »
    Their mam and her boyfriend would have played a greater role. Can you not see that??

    Yes, and speaking from experience the best way to deal with the issue is through mediation and you'd want to show that was fully exhausted before 'lawyering' up.

    It will help if it gets to court - plus.........and this is much more important, imo,.....I don't know howl old the OP's kids are but at some point you are going to have to answer their questions and answer to them for your behaviour. That's the most important reason for following a considered approach to getting the situation to a fair resolution.


  • #35
    Jawgap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,297 ✭✭✭✭Jawgap


    desbrook wrote: »
    Their mam and her boyfriend would have played a greater role. Can you not see that??

    Btw, the mother and bf will have more contact time with the kids - meaning more time to put their side of the story to the kids, and to repeat it and repeat it to them.


  • #36
    lulu1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    desbrook wrote: »
    Their mam and her boyfriend would have played a greater role. Can you not see that??

    An adult would understand what you are saying but to the kids it would be Daddy wouldnt pay the morgage and got Mammy put out of the house and now we have nowhere to go.


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  • #37
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Kids aren't stupid.
    Would folk rather that the OP became homeless out of some misbegotten belief that he has to provide everything to the exclusion of his own care?

    OP - talk to a lawyer, not to take action but to learn your rights so that when you go to mediation you have a baseline - otherwise you are going in there blind and will agree to things that will destroy you in the longer term, with still no guarantee your kids will not be poisoned towards you by their mother.

    Burying your head in the sand with the dare I say it, old mindset of "suck it up" or the "husband must provide" is just going to hurt you and maybe that relationship in the longer term. Instead just be fair, be consistent and let your children know you love them through your actions, do you really think they want to see you homeless?


  • #38
    Jawgap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,297 ✭✭✭✭Jawgap


    lulu1 wrote: »
    An adult would understand what you are saying but to the kids it would be Daddy wouldnt pay the morgage and got Mammy put out of the house and now we have nowhere to go.

    "........Daddy made Mammy cry"


  • #39
    Joshua5
    Registered Users Posts: 374 ✭✭Joshua5


    Guys I appreciate the feedback. I have to mention a couple of things, they live in a different county now because I'm living with my mum so even getting to see them costs a small fortune, but I do it ever weekend and it's a hell of a track. But the reality is, my current partner may in time want to have children, she may indeed also want to buy a house and although I'm on a good salary the taxes along in Ireland makes it difficult to survive when you are paying a mortgage on a house you don't live in. Of course living with my mum is cheaper than renting @ 1000 euro a month I still need to contribute to the tune of 500 towards the bills etc. So after I pay the mortgage of 800euro, 500 towards renting in my mums, at least 200 in travel to see the kids, paying off a personal loan I took to build an extra bedroom for the kids a couple of years ago @ 400 pcm and just the usual working travel expenses and food I'm broke...
    Not to mention every single expense such as xmas, b'days, sports clubs, school sits firmly with me.

    My new partner and I are in a really good place, although I have kids already and she is a fab step mum she'd likely look to me in a couple of years to have a family with her. Does this change the game altogether if that happens? I'm worried I'm stuck for life in a rut or at least a decade now. If my current situation takes 50% of my salary, just living takes another 50% how can I fit in having a family with my current partner.

    BTW- My kids are really well looked after by their mum, it would be 50/50 custody only I don't live close enough and can't afford to rent of buy beside them. As she works nights in her training as a nurse (unpaid) they'd be allowed to come stay with me but right now the new lad is the stay at home daddy. Not sure what's relevant so excuse if I'm rambling on...


  • #40
    Jawgap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,297 ✭✭✭✭Jawgap


    Joshua5 wrote: »
    Guys I appreciate the feedback. I have to mention a couple of things, they live in a different county now because I'm living with my mum so even getting to see them costs a small fortune, but I do it ever weekend and it's a hell of a track. But the reality is, my current partner may in time want to have children, she may indeed also want to buy a house and although I'm on a good salary the taxes along in Ireland makes it difficult to survive when you are paying a mortgage on a house you don't live in. Of course living with my mum is cheaper than renting @ 1000 euro a month I still need to contribute to the tune of 500 towards the bills etc. So after I pay the mortgage of 800euro, 500 towards renting in my mums, at least 200 in travel to see the kids, paying off a personal loan I took to build an extra bedroom for the kids a couple of years ago @ 400 pcm and just the usual working travel expenses and food I'm broke...
    Not to mention every single expense such as xmas, b'days, sports clubs, school sits firmly with me.

    My new partner and I are in a really good place, although I have kids already and she is a fab step mum she'd likely look to me in a couple of years to have a family with her. Does this change the game altogether if that happens? I'm worried I'm stuck for life in a rut or at least a decade now. If my current situation takes 50% of my salary, just living takes another 50% how can I fit in having a family with my current partner.

    BTW- My kids are really well looked after by their mum, it would be 50/50 custody only I don't live close enough and can't afford to rent of buy beside them. As she works nights in her training as a nurse (unpaid) they'd be allowed to come stay with me but right now the new lad is the stay at home daddy. Not sure what's relevant so excuse if I'm rambling on...

    No, it's all relevant.

    First, you are not expected to stop living and the courts recognise that - they also accept that people move on and circumstances change, such as new partners, new families etc - you are allowed to do that and you are not penalised for it - and you definitely should not feel in any way guilty about it. You are entitled to a life.

    I think your next move should be to float the idea of mediation with her and see a solicitor for advice. But you should do something now to start getting some control back. Also on a purely practical note mediators and family law practices get incredibly busy in January, so you want to get on their radar quickly.

    Also start gathering your documents - bills, bank statements, receipts. If you haven't already then start filing all this stuff, especially for anything you spend on the kids.


  • #41
    Joshua5
    Registered Users Posts: 374 ✭✭Joshua5


    Jawgap wrote: »
    No, it's all relevant.

    First, you are not expected to stop living and the courts recognise that - they also accept that people move on and circumstances change, such as new partners, new families etc - you are allowed to do that and you are not penalised for it - and you definitely should not feel in any way guilty about it. You are entitled to a life.

    I think your next move should be to float the idea of mediation with her and see a solicitor for advice. But you should do something now to start getting some control back. Also on a purely practical note mediators and family law practices get incredibly busy in January, so you want to get on their radar quickly.

    Also start gathering your documents - bills, bank statements, receipts. If you haven't already then start filing all this stuff, especially for anything you spend on the kids.

    I recently got a letter from SW saying I had to present 400 euro a week to her or something in or around that amount. I've no idea how they figured out that amount and I wouldn't have that amount to give. I think they based it on earnings from years ago but at the time I was getting bonus, overtime, on call allowance. I'm worried about going into a process and coming out worse off.


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  • #42
    Jawgap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,297 ✭✭✭✭Jawgap


    Joshua5 wrote: »
    I recently got a letter from SW saying I had to present 400 euro a week to her or something in or around that amount. I've no idea how they figured out that amount and I wouldn't have that amount to give. I think they based it on earnings from years ago but at the time I was getting bonus, overtime, on call allowance. I'm worried about going into a process and coming out worse off.

    Seriously - how did they figure that out! Anyway, they have no role in setting maintenance, what was the basis for them compelling you to pay her anything?

    Also, you're not bound by mediation - at any time you can decide to walk away (as can she) and either return to the status quo or take a chance in the court.

    In my own experience (which I admit may be completely unrepresentative), she baled on the mediation and like you I was in a tough financial position so decided I'd really nothing to lose by going to court. The judge, I found, was tough but fair and I'm came out in a lot better shape than I went in. At one point the judge even said he did feel compelled to be bound by my previous 'excessive generosity' when setting maintenance.

    anyway, if you do nothing else this week get your paperwork together, get some proper professional advice (it'll cost but that cost may turn out to be a valuable investment) and scope things out with the FMS. I honestly think if you at least do that, then pause, you'll feel better.


  • #43
    Joshua5
    Registered Users Posts: 374 ✭✭Joshua5


    Jawgap wrote: »
    Seriously - how did they figure that out! Anyway, they have no role in setting maintenance, what was the basis for them compelling you to pay her anything?

    I have no idea, it was a very aggressive letter saying they'll take me to court but they are aware I already pay what I do. Like 400e a week seems to be a mental amount. Just to clarify they could only base that on my previous income because I had emigrated. My base salary at the time was only 35k. I did get OT and Bonus but that's not guaranteed and who would work overtime if half goes to the taxman and the other half to the ex...


  • #44
    Joshua5
    Registered Users Posts: 374 ✭✭Joshua5


    Is there any guide line I can work with, are we talking 50% of income including the mortgage or what is others experience?


  • #45
    cgh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,180 ✭✭✭cgh


    OP,
    every case will be different. this is where you need to get good legal advice, do your homework with your own income and expenditure, what you need to live off and then see what you can realistically afford to pay in maintenance.


  • #46
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    I too would strongly urge you to get legal advice and start the ball rolling with regards to mediation.

    I can see why you would want to pay the mortgage in full because a) it's keeping a roof over your children's heads and b) if it's not paid you will be chased up for it by the bank anyway. It's also reasonable that you pay maintenance towards your children. Maintenance payments go towards clothes, food, heat, education, extra activities etc. However you are not obliged to pay the full utility bills of the house. Your ex and her new partner should be paying their fair share for the electricity, heat etc etc that they use. The partner might be getting some sort of SW payment, so should be able to contribute to the running of the household. I really do think they are taking huge advantage of you and a mediator wouldn't be long bringing that to light.


  • #47
    superstepmom2b
    Registered Users Posts: 30 ✭superstepmom2b


    I think there was a thread a few months back on the same issue re SW sending letters to the father. They can't force you to pay anything and it's likely the request is to reduce the amount your ex wife can claim.

    It is likely she is claiming children's allowance on all 3, another allowance as she is not working and a number of others. I would imagine the 400 is the max they can squeeze out of you which is likely based on calculations linked to the max that can be awarded by the family court. So if that is 150 per child which would be 450 seems like they are trying to get the max out of you.

    Simple fact you have to live too. You are paying a mortgage to keep a roof over their heads and I'm sure your own rent also. Assuming you have overnights with them too and have those costs also. I would think with your generosity to date. Judge probably wouldn't increase the weekly amount you pay. Either way the SW can't force you to do anything only the family court can and she would have to take you to court to do that.


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