How Can I Get Her To Fit In

demonaxe · 20-12-2014 9:47pm #1

Hi,

I am going out with a girl for the past 7 years, we have had our ups and downs but are currently going through a great patch and I love her so much.

For the first couple of years I was bullied by her and to be honest I was never happy with her but stayed out of feeling guilty.

We have had huge money problems i.e. her thinking she could spend my money as we were in a relationship and got me into a lot of bother financially, while I have no problem sharing etc I was paying for everything at one point, her bills, rent, clothes etc etc while she had an income of her own. She has borrowed last sums of money which I have never seen again one of these being over 3000e

A couple of months back I had enough, exploded and told her I was gone unless things changed immediately, she balled and cried and promised she would change and has.

My issue lies with how she behaves around my friends, I have been told by them she is not welcome on some nights out as she gets in all sorts of arguments over nothing,

I hate bringing her anywhere because all she does is complain about this person was, rude/looked at her funny/is a this that and the other.

It's like she just hates everyone unless they don't fall over themselves to help her, my family are getting fed up with her and one of my sisters is half afraid of her because my girlfriend does these tests to check if I or others have been talking about her and she doesn't like it. my sister feels like she has to be on guard around her.

I just want to be able to bring her with me but she comes across as overly nice and fake and if people don't respond in the same way she sees this as cold.

I don't like the way she talks about my family and the stupid accusations she makes from time to time about them.

I love her so much, we are trying for a baby and we going through the best time we ever had but I just feel I can't bring her with me anywhere without it ending in drama or tears, for her usually because most people just ignore her antics.

Having said all this, I will admit people are talking about her antics but I believe this is her own fault, I also got very annoyed a few weeks back on a night out where people were openly saying thank god she's not here, she had rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way, I just don't know how I can fix this.

mada82 · 20-12-2014 9:50pm

<Modsnip - no need to quote the whole OP - makes it difficult for our mobile users - thanks - Taltos>

Everyone else can't be wrong. Time to get rid of her.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2014 9:53pm

You are absolutely mad to even think of having a kid with her.

barney 20v · 20-12-2014 9:56pm

This is a genuine reply- no trolling here, but she sounds like a horrible person .
Go get yourself a sound girl to share your life with!

demonaxe · 20-12-2014 9:57pm

I will admit written down it sounds a lot worse than it is.

Plates · 20-12-2014 9:58pm

Sounds like you have significantly more issues to resolve than just getting her to "fit in". A huge part of the development and success of a relationship is based on what happens outside the 4 walls of your love nest, unless you want to be recluses.

Crow92 · 20-12-2014 9:58pm

I have to agree with the above. It truly sounds like she has taken major advantage of you the last 6 years then this year when you had enough she "changed her ways" to keep things going.

I think long term this can't work out. Basically keeping your partner separate to the rest of your life because she can't get on people who are important to you.

You won't see it now if you are in love with her. But if you separate after a while you'll look back and realise it was the best decision you could make for you.

I know it's not the question you even asked but it just jumps out in what you've written. Any "change" by her to integrate with your friends and family will, for a long time at least be seen as fake as they've already made their mind up on her from the last 7 years

Who's idea was it to try for a child?

MagicMarker · 20-12-2014 10:04pm

demonaxe wrote: »

I will admit written down it sounds a lot worse than it is.

She's a manipulative bully, what kind of mother do you think that will make her?

I genuinely feel sorry for any kid she may have.

NoMore MrNiceGuy · 20-12-2014 10:11pm

demonaxe wrote: »

I will admit written down it sounds a lot worse than it is.

What you have written is either the truth or not. It's also all we know. Based on that op - get rid.

demonaxe · 20-12-2014 10:13pm

Well it was her idea mainly, this is not going to make things sound good but we did have a baby a few years back but we lost it in the last few weeks of the pregnancy, this loss did bring us closer together and it was around the time the bullying behavior stopped. I had my doubts about staying with her after the pregnancy as when she was pregnant she would threaten to leave me and block me from seeing the child. There was also an incident where she tried to leave me but she thought she was pregnant and was devastated and came back when she wasn't, she admitted she wasn't going to tell me about the child, this was around a time I was between jobs and didn't have a lot of money coming in.

This all looks bad but she has changed, If I could go back in time, knowing what I know today and what I went through with her, I would not have spoke to her on the night we had met. I know deep down things are different, everything needs to be smoothed out to avoid arguements or suspicion.

A couple of weeks back, I had the pleasure of spending the evening with this girl, I never cheated, it was worked related and we just chilled and I remember apologising to her about so many things and she was laughing telling me to stop saying sorry etc, she was so easy going and nice, not the best looking girl but I was falling for her, mainly because everything seemed so easy with her, there was no drama no bs, just a chat, a laugh and I felt good about myself.

I went to a counselor some years ago after a bereavement and she said I did need to take a deep look at my relationship as she didn't feel I was being treated as I deserved, this is not stuff I have spoke to my family about, the counselor did think I should consider taking a break.

I am just very confused.

demonaxe · 20-12-2014 10:14pm

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

What you have written is either the truth or not. It's also all we know. Based on that op - get rid.

I promise it's the truth, thank you all for the replies.

Carlos Orange · 20-12-2014 10:16pm

From what you have written I'm not sure why you would like to lock yourself into a relationship (of one kind or another) with her for the next 20 years by having a kid together.

happyoutscan · 20-12-2014 10:19pm

I agree with everyone else here. Move on.

ceegee · 20-12-2014 10:23pm

Run away [insert monty python gif]

Taltos · 20-12-2014 10:25pm

OP I can't think of a single reason for you to stay unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, aging trapped in a relationship with this woman.

Don't just walk, run, change your number, bloody hell change your name but the only reason I can think of you staying in this is you feel so worthless in yourself that for some reason you figure you deserve to be treated like crap. Being blunt, life is too damn short and normally by the time you realise it it's too late but wake up smell the coffee and run to f... already.

CaraMay · 20-12-2014 10:25pm

So do you want to know how to break up with her or how to make her fit in? She will never fit in because she acts like an a-hole... I could write a book in response to you but can simplify my response - get rid of the weapon and move on.

bee06 · 20-12-2014 10:57pm

demonaxe wrote: »

I will admit written down it sounds a lot worse than it is.

We have ways of making horrible things semi-normal when we are in the middle of the situation just to deal with it. It sounds worse written down because it is worse than your brain is telling you it is! Get out and you'll see how bad she is for you.

seamusk84 · 20-12-2014 11:03pm

Dude......Run.

You would be absolutely mad to start a family with her, unless you are a glutton for punishment.

Everyone in here will tell you the same thing. Plenty of fish in the sea etc.

BlondeBomb · 20-12-2014 11:13pm

She's insane.

End it and then cut all contact with her from that point.

She'll prob try everything to get you to take her back.

Don't even sleep with her again for fear you'll be trapped for the next 18 years.

Get rid!

You don't want to regret it.

bottlebrush · 20-12-2014 11:27pm

Run a mile. My brother is married to a woman like this they have three children and he is absolutely miserable. There are plenty of sound women out there why would you settle for a woman like that. She is not going to change when she has a baby in fact she will probably get worse as our family's experience has been.
Get out now!

beks101 · 20-12-2014 11:35pm

OP I'd be interested to hear exactly what it is you love about this girl. What exactly is it about your relationship that has made it the "best time ever" lately? Is the sex good? She's hot? Is that it?

Because from your description, you have been:

- bullied by her
- used financially over years (with reckless abandon too it would seem. She's spent your wages on her own wardrobe? Her rent? Three grand has disappeared into the ether?)
- your family hates her
- your friends hate her
- she has no social skills
- She is negative, immature and a positively toxic influence in your life

Genuinely - is this really just a sex thing? Or is your self esteem that low that you can't see how utterly destructive and crippling to your confidence and life this relationship actually is?

What has convinced you that it's time to start a family, if you haven't even managed to get your family and friends on side with this woman - and can't even leave the house with her without drama and negative consequences - and she clearly has no regard for your money?

strobe · 20-12-2014 11:37pm

Does she have a huge amount of good points you've failed to mention that could somehow balance the things you've talked about? What you've written about her paints the picture of someone no on in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with, never mind have a child with, as you can see from the responses so far. Are you leaving a load of important details out or something man?

mada82 · 20-12-2014 11:43pm

strobe wrote: »

Does she have a huge amount of good points you've failed to mention that could somehow balance the things you've talked about? What you've written about her paints the picture of someone no on in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with, never mind have a child with, as you can see from the responses so far. Are you leaving a load of important details out or something man?

What good points could possibly outweigh all those negatives?

Stavro Mueller · 20-12-2014 11:46pm

Personality transplant?

Other than that, either start listening to what the people around you are saying or be prepared for a miserable old age .

mr_edge_to_you · 20-12-2014 11:54pm

"How can you get her to fit in?"

You can't. I imagine that the people you would like her to get on with have no interest in her whatsoever for obvious reasons. They don't have to like her.

I was in a very similar position for 7 years, starting in college. Spent all the time trying to convince myself I was happy and what I was going through was a normal relationship - ups and downs, rows and making up. All my friends could see it, my family could see it - I was miserable. Looking back I didn't have the balls to bail out. At one point the girl decided that it was the end of the road for us. Best thing that ever happened to me!

Anyway, a short while after I met an amazing girl. Married her 4 years later and have our 2nd child on the way. Like you I spent 12 months apologising for stuff that previously would've triggered a row. No such issues with the new relationship. Rarely had a row in 8 years.

I remember when I was going out with my mates, I'd go out on my own because inevitably someone would "upset" her and we'd end up rowing all the way home. It was embarrassing behaviour. My mates would never once ask "is xx not out tonight?".....because they just didn't like her.

When I started going out with the new girl, they would always ask "oh....is yy not down with you tonight?....tell her I said hi".

My advice would be to man up and move on.

Neyite · 21-12-2014 12:25am

Do you know why she agreed to change op? Because by the time you realise that she was putting on an act, she'll be pregnant with your child. And will use that child for the next two decades to put you through the wringer, emotionally, financially and every other which way.

You'll be trapped.

You know that night you had with your work friend? I have had that every night for the last decade. The peace in your head is bliss. I had a headwrecking relationship similar to yours before it and am so very grateful that I saw sense.

Please rethink this relationship- there are so many red flags here its like bunting for the chinese new year.

demonaxe · 21-12-2014 1:23am

beks101 wrote: »

OP I'd be interested to hear exactly what it is you love about this girl. What exactly is it about your relationship that has made it the "best time ever" lately? Is the sex good? She's hot? Is that it?

Because from your description, you have been:

- bullied by her
- used financially over years (with reckless abandon too it would seem. She's spent your wages on her own wardrobe? Her rent? Three grand has disappeared into the ether?)
- your family hates her
- your friends hate her
- she has no social skills
- She is negative, immature and a positively toxic influence in your life

Genuinely - is this really just a sex thing? Or is your self esteem that low that you can't see how utterly destructive and crippling to your confidence and life this relationship actually is?

What has convinced you that it's time to start a family, if you haven't even managed to get your family and friends on side with this woman - and can't even leave the house with her without drama and negative consequences - and she clearly has no regard for your money?

It's not a sex thing, the change she made was to stop getting me to pay for everything, I do worry sometimes this might be a temporary thing until she gets pregnant, I have had a lot of self esteem issues down through the years, in the last year I have started to develop large amounts of confidence, my job requires it,

I guess I worry sometimes she will be left without a child and it'll be my fault, she worries about the fact she has only a few years left to have a baby.

I do love her, I just wish I could have her without the drama,

beks101 · 21-12-2014 1:35am

demonaxe wrote: »

I do love her, I just wish I could have her without the drama,

You can't. It's been what, seven years? And she hasn't changed or made any effort to warm herself to your family and friends?

And now she wants a baby and is on a deadline. So she's probably doing the bare minimum she needs to do in terms of 'cleaning up her act' to keep you sweet and get what she wants. You don't trust the positive change she has seemed to make because you know her true nature.

Meanwhile, you're happy to accept this nasty, anti-social, spoilt, drama-fuelled, self-obsessed behaviour because you've mistaken her interest in a family with you for 'love'.

She. Will. Never. Change. Your family and friends will never like her because they want the best for you. She'll never give you a moment's peace.

My advice would be to focus all your efforts on getting some space from this woman so you can work on your own self-esteem. Maybe that distance and that perspective will allow you to grow stronger mentally when it comes to her, because right now she has you exactly where she wants you.

jimgoose · 21-12-2014 1:38am

She's a mentalist. Blow the canopy and eject.

Neyite · 21-12-2014 1:50am

How is she around kids op? Have you both babysat siblings in either family together? would you trust her?

Biological urges do not equate to being a good parent. If she is that volatile, how would she deal with the zombie-like sleep deprivation that makes even the mildest of us cry with exhaustion and frustration? I can honestly say that the first time my partner and I snapped at each other narkily was at 4am over a lost bottle of calpol. The toddler years? Well,our house is in them and they make the colicky newborn phase seem like a doddle some days. Its wonderful, but new babies have a way of forcing any previously ignored relationship cracks to the surface and they can't be ignored.

Stavro Mueller · 21-12-2014 1:50am

OP stop trying to fool yourself into thinking she'll become the person you want her to be. Beks hit the nail on the head. She's doing just about enough to keep you reeled in. I bet she doesn't need to do much either seeing as you don't value yourself very much.

I think you could do with another chat with a counsellor actually. Try to figure out why you're addicted to this awful woman. I like to think you started this thread because your gut is telling you there's something wrong. Maybe there's hope for you yet. Just so long as she doesn't use her sperm donor (you) in the meantime and gets pregnant.

MaroonAndGreen · 21-12-2014 2:57am

OP...

You need to leave this woman... I promise I know what im talking about... My mother treated my father the exact same way as your GF treats you. It went on for over 15 years, way too long.

You are a doormat. She doesnt like the people that she cant dominate or that wont give her the praise and attention she craves.

Cut this woman out of your life. Please do it for yourself. Cant stress this enough, it will only get worse... ive seen it all.

Get out before its too late...

Please do not have a child with her.

Ive seen the benefits (for me and my dad) of finally working up the courage to get rid of the bully, because thats what it is - bullying, wanting to dominate, to be the queen that can spend all your money etc.

I promise, you will regret it if you stay with this woman.

Be strong, break away.

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 3:23am

Leave her.

I think you have stockholm syndrome.

Why do men go out with women like this?

I can't quite understand why you are with her? Someone mentioned good points but unless she can shoot lasers out of her eyes I don't think she has any that could outweigh what she is doing.

She is emotionally abusive.

She has no respect for your money and spends in your own words vast sums of it.

She is manipulative.

I'm sorry but I don't think this woman loves or respects you.

demonaxe · 21-12-2014 3:24am

I would say she is very good with kids but we have been in situations with people where she makes me out to be out to be a right thicko, this is how I think she will get our kids to look at me as. I think this is due to the fact I hold a masters and she feels a bit insecure about her education.

I can see things I didn't before because of this thread, thanks everyone for your posts, she does need to control and bully and the fact she can't influence others such as my family results in her taking a dislike to them.

There was this thing her brothers used to do around me that really pissed me off, they used to call me like a dog, it was obviously a joke shared by a lot of people in her family as I do a lot of running around for her.

I have been getting a very frosty welcome from her family lately, including one of her brothers bursting out at me for being "tight with money", this was around the time I told her I had enough and she had to change, so it is obvious she was telling a slighty different story to them.

I sit listening to her talking to her family and I just hate it, she tells so many lies and half truths to make them think she is this wonderful person, they have no idea.

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 3:48am

From your above post, do you see how she is bringing out the worst in you?

Look at all that negativity. That is not healthy. Keep life simple.

You worked hard for your degree she shouldn't take the piss.

This girl does not love you.

You don't need someone so crazy in your life. Avoid drama.

She WILL NOT be good with kids from what you describe.
I don't know why on earth you might be led to think she will be a good mother I can't even fathom it.

She doesn't love you it doesn't sound like she even loves her family.

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 4:08am

Crow92 wrote: »

Who's idea was it to try for a child?

I was thinking just that too.

barney 20v · 21-12-2014 4:17am

OP I've read the subsequent posts and I stand by what I've said already-
Go get yourself a normal, (contrary) but sound Irish girl .
NO fella should put up with a person like this .
Her shortcomings as a person are not your creation!

This is the most earnest advice I have ever given on boards...

Get out and LIVE --- what you are doing is not living!

Ps I'm 32 and was lucky to find my perfect girl at 20 and still together.
Go find yours....

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 4:27am

barney 20v wrote: »

Go get yourself a normal, (contrary) but sound Irish girl .
.

I agree with your post.

But why Irish? Or am I reading that wrong ? :-/

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 4:30am

OP I also think you need to work on yourself esteem.

K.Flyer · 21-12-2014 4:34am

OP, you owe it to yourself to be happy, right now you are miserable, and you have been unhappy for many years.
Your relationship is toxic and she, nor her family, have any respect for you. Your own family and friends fear for your welfare being on the outside looking in they see the problems.
You have two options, one is to read this thread again in about a year or so and thank your lucky stars you had the strength to listen and make the break before it was too late. Your other option is to read it with a heavy heart and regret in your soul.
Tough as it may be, you must get out of this relationship and start to live YOUR Life again.

barney 20v · 21-12-2014 4:35am

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I agree with your post.

But why Irish? Or am I reading that wrong ? :-/

Just a figure of speech

Littlekittylou · 21-12-2014 4:36am

barney 20v wrote: »

Just a figure of speech

Ah oops sorry :-) Thank you

Op maybe you could do with some support to help you see more clearly like a counselor.

shruikan2553 · 21-12-2014 4:42am

From my experience if your family and friends think you are mad for being with her there's a very good chance that they are right and you'll feel stupid for not listening to the sooner awhile afterwards.

So far I don't think you have said anything you like about her. Ask yourself why are you with her? Is it just you are used to being with someone?

Calhoun · 21-12-2014 6:03am

demonaxe wrote: »

<SNIP - please don't quote full length long posts>

Don't take this the wrong way but if you don't grow a backbone you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life.This post alone would have had me on the warpath.

Op you need to fight as hard for yourself as you are for this waste of space who basically sees you as a cash machine, when she's done with you she will drop you like a hot snot. Someone so manipulative will make it look like its all you and she's the victim.

To add insult to injury people like this are not above using children as weapons to get their way.

is there any redeeming factor at all for her ?

bp · 21-12-2014 7:40am

No one loves you more than your parents, and they are not blind to her. Please listen to those who have your best interest at heart.

She already threatened to keep your unborn child away during an argument - imagine if you have a baby/ toodler etc.

Also as she lies so protect yourself in the breakup. Keep abusive texts and emails from her and don't let her near your accounts to send herself fake ones.

Change your passwords asap and put in writing to a friend that you plan to break up and any worries that you have of what she may do.

Please for your own sake and any future child leave now and DO NOT sleep with her again - especially break up sex just in case

Oink · 21-12-2014 8:18am

- OP, every one in your life told you to leave her.
- Everyone in this thread says you need to leave her.
- The therapist told you to leave her.
- You know you need to leave her.

If you can't come up with the courage to do it, at least be a man and protect your future child. Make sure to use a condom EVERY time until you are in a proper, loving relationship.

Rosy Posy · 21-12-2014 8:24am

Having kids puts a strain on the most solid of relationships. This woman appears to have no respect for you and to be a manipulative bully. God forbid you do have a family with her you will end up miserable and marginalised- the bottom head on the family totem pole. Get out while you can and please go back to counselling and work on your burgeoning self esteem before getting into another serious relationship.

Stavro Mueller · 21-12-2014 9:59am

OP sometimes people fall in love with someone who is very bad for them. I don't doubt you love her but in this case you need to do the right thing and leave. For your own sake. I bet your family are very very worried about you and would do everything in their power to get you away from you if they could. At the basis of every good relationship should be a friendship. If one of your friends did this to you, would you stand for it?

Penny Tration · 21-12-2014 10:04am

OP, if nothing else, please ring AMEN on 0469023718 and tell them what you've told us.

This woman doesn't love you. She's using you to make herself feel better and is slowly alienating you from everyone. She's abusing you.

LynnGrace · 21-12-2014 10:24am

OP, even though you say things are great at the moment, there are obviously huge doubts in your mind, please don't ignore those doubts.

This isn't about 'getting her to fit in', it really isn't.
I think you know, deep inside, that this relationship is very harmful to you.
Please, please take on board what people are saying to you, your family and friends especially, and the people here who have shared their own stories.

If a friend was in this situation, ask yourself, what would you say to them?
Walk away, don't look back, and look after yourself.

chillywilly · 21-12-2014 10:55am

I'm getting a sick feeling of the thoughts of you having a child with this woman. This will be the biggest regret of your life. Please for the love of god do not have a child with her. Get out now while you still can.

This is coming from personal first hand experience (although my situation sounds a hell of a lot better than yours).

How Can I Get Her To Fit In

Comments