Girlfriend travelling to meet her ex

bur · 17-10-2014 12:40pm

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

ManOfMystery · 17-10-2014 1:01pm

bur wrote: »

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

So basically just use her? That's ridiculous advice.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2014 2:00pm

I would not be happy with this so I can understand how you feel.
The reality is he is her ex so why does she need to keep in contact with him so much?
How long was she going out with him? Did they brake up because he was going to the Uk?
Why is she going over to England to meet him?
My feeling is that he may have gone to England for work and that she was never part of his plans. It could be the case that he asked her to go with him but due to job/college ect she could not go.
Another things to consider is that he know that she still feels something for him. He may not have asked her to go the uk with him but now he suddenly realises that he misses her.
He may want to get back together with her or show her how she could move over to him and get work there. Meanwhile she could be keeping you here as a back up if things don't work out as planned with him.

At this stage I would say to her why don't we go over together for a few days. We could say in such a hotel ( look up on line for the dates she is going) and then say to her I would like to meet ( the ex name)?
She how she reacts to this. If she is not happy to do this I would end things with her now.
To be honest she sounds like she expects to keep you waiting to see what happens with the ex before she decides if it is him or you in her life.

Sephiroth_dude · 17-10-2014 3:15pm

I would not be comfortable with this at all, I don't care how much reassurance she gave me, I wouldn't be happy with this situation at all.

MJ23 · 17-10-2014 4:36pm

Ask her what she'd think if it was the other way around.

liz lemoncello · 17-10-2014 4:45pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

...

Who ended the relationship? If it was due to him moving I would run a mile.

I was also wondering if they broke up because he moved away or she moved back home. Texting every day seems excessive.

I think you are right to be uncomfortable about this.

ahnow · 17-10-2014 7:36pm

I think she's really overstepping the boundaries and respect of your relationship by even saying this to you-it looks really bad OP!

ColdTurkey · 17-10-2014 7:49pm

Just say she is completely innocent in the whole deal. or at least has convinced herself that she is. The ex knows exactly what's going on. He owes you nothing and he has nothing to lose. There's a shark in the water and for some reason your girlfriend wants a swim

LegacyUser · 17-10-2014 11:55pm

Speaking as someone who ended up sleeping with their ex when they returned for a few weeks, I can say that emotions and feelings will return for both parties involved. She told me when heading back it was like we were splitting up again

We text daily, keep in contact as we have such a cherished friendship. But I must admit since the last time things seem to have changed, like we are a lot more flirtatious in messages, more pictures sent.... I'm afraid of what will happen when she eventually returns to Ireland

What I'm trying to say is if your gf was in a serious relationship with this guy, her feelings to him may re-ignite and vice versa. Thus, a huge can of worms opens up.

Tread carefully OP

m'lady · 18-10-2014 1:39am

From a personal perspective I wouldn't accept this off my partner and he certainly wouldn't off me- it's a complete lack of respect for the relationship. Why would she even want to see her ex for a weekend after Xmas, she should want to be spending it with you.

An ex is an ex for a reason, and maybe that reason is unresolved... You need to lay your cards on the table OP

Wompa1 · 18-10-2014 8:59am

Staying with him..that's messed up. If they were not speaking to each other regularly and broke up 5+ years ago and she just happened to be going to London, then it might be ok if they met for a drink of coffee or whatever.

But this stinks to high heaven. Break up with her, she's f*ckin you around and she knows it

stateofflux · 19-10-2014 9:01pm

bur wrote: »

This is not your future wife so maybe just go along with it and just stay with her for the sex for a while.

what good is sex if you are being treated like a complete pathetic humiliated doormat

DukeOfTheSharp · 20-10-2014 2:30am

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable and downright insulted if this happened to me. If the tables were turned, she'd probably lose her mind and swear you out until you canceled the plans. At the end of the day, talking to an ex is alright, staying with one is not - especially while in a new relationship. That's asking for a lot of trust from you in so little time. I'd lay it down fairly, either you can go with her, she cancels or you break up. If she wants to break up, let her, but don't bite if she comes at you with the trust excuse, but this is a matter of respecting your feelings and her, quite frankly, lack of comprehension that she can't treat your new relationship like this so soon? Or at all for that matter. She hit the sweet spot though; too early to put your foot down, not early enough to be committed. It's a dirty tactic and one I despise.

Whatever happened to people breaking up and hating their ex's, followed by forgetting all about them? Weren't those better times? Isn't that the natural way of things - break up, hate each other, move on, see each other at some point, have a nice chat and then forget they exist? I don't stay friends with my ex's for a reason: we broke up, we weren't compatible as people, how in god's name are we going to work outside of that?

CaraMay · 20-10-2014 3:31am

There is no point forcing her to cancel as the intention / desire to stay with him is still there.

cizolin · 20-10-2014 3:34am

This is a big no no. She's not showing you or the relationship any respect by doing this. With lack of respect comes the inevitable attraction killer. Lay down the law and demand that it's either you or her ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. You are meant to be her present and future

keysersoze0330 · 20-10-2014 8:26am

I'd be dumping this 'lady' immediately to prevent future heartache. The ex is obviously important to her and the issue will always be there.

indigo twist · 20-10-2014 8:38am

cizolin wrote: »

An ex is an ex for a reason.

And sometimes the reason is that both parties realise they're better off as friends.

Example - I have a good friend who I dated for a short while years ago, and hooked up with on the odd night after that. It was just weird, for both of us, so we went back to being really close friends. This all happened years ago. He is now living in Australia, and if I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd certainly be heading over to visit him - and yeah, I'd probably stay with him and his (now) wife - and of course my boyfriend would be welcome to come too if he wanted to, but he wouldn't have the slightest problem with me going alone, even if my friend wasn't married now.

Similarly I'd have no problem with my boyfriend staying overnight with any of his female friends (whether they were exes or not) so long as I was sure that there were no unresolved feelings on either side.

It really depends on the people involved here. I just don't think we know enough about the people involved and their history to say a downright no.

Gelatomela · 20-10-2014 8:39am

Break up with her, she clearly doesn't give a sh1t about your feelings. Take it is a positive now that you found out how she really values you.

Penny Tration · 20-10-2014 8:40am

I'd be really unhappy in your position, OP.

I'm friends with an ex, and my boyfriend told me before he doesn't give a damn, wouldn't care if I stayed over with him, as he trusts me.

But, I wouldn't. I respect my partner too much to do that sort of thing. The most my ex gets is a chat every few weeks on viber, and the odd coffee.

Trust aside, she should respect you more than this

larrymiller · 20-10-2014 9:00am

Make sure it's her time of the month when she goes

IvoryTower · 20-10-2014 9:01am

im pretty sure you dont get to decide when that happens

P. Breathnach · 20-10-2014 9:10am

CaraMay wrote: »

There is no point forcing her to cancel as the intention / desire to stay with him is still there.

There is the possibility that the girlfriend is being quite honest, and that her feelings in relation to the ex are now platonic. But he is to recent an ex, and the relationship with OP is too new, for her proposed trip to be a good idea, no matter how convinced she is that she is committed to, and loyal to, OP.

At best, it sends a bad signal about her priorities. At worst, it might be that she is still emotionally drawn to the ex, and has hopes of re-kindling something. In between the extremes, there is the risk that she and the ex might get carried away in the moment, and something that started with good intentions ends up in the wrong way.

OP, you have no right to stop her going. But neither has she the right to expect you to be there when she comes back. Were I in your position, I think that I would already be gone.

larrymiller · 20-10-2014 9:36am

IvoryTower wrote: »

im pretty sure you dont get to decide when that happens

No but ya could work out when and send her off that weekend

buried · 20-10-2014 9:38am

Your dead right to be upset, but if it was me OP, I'd be asking her why she wants to wait until Christmas, when she can head off right now and then say goodluck to the dodgy disrespectful twit. This article is literally an emotional bully. "I'm Staying with him" ? Don't tolerate this nonsense, your lucky your still pretty much early days in this 'relationship' because If you stick and tolerate this bag of trouble your doomed. Let it off, and unlike that guy over in England, make sure it doesn't ever try to come back.

berrygood · 20-10-2014 11:56am

indigo twist wrote: »

Similarly I'd have no problem with my boyfriend staying overnight with any of his female friends (whether they were exes or not) so long as I was sure that there were no unresolved feelings on either side.

This is the problem. The OP's girlfriend doesn't appear to have ever taken time to get over the old relationship, not if they've been in touch constantly. The level of contact is excessive - my friends and I wouldn't text that much. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. OP explain to her how it's making you feel and if she still insists on going, then I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks so little about my feelings.

Floppybits · 20-10-2014 2:37pm

I don't think you should even give her the choice of its me or the ex. I think you should sit her down and break up with her and tell her that you don't think she is over the ex and for that reason you don't think the relationship can continue and just leave it at that. It is very selfish behaviour on her part to expect you to think it is ok for her to go over and spend a weekend with her ex.

suicide_circus · 21-10-2014 9:45am

This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact! They are essentially carrying out a long distance relationship while you keep the gutters clear until their big Christmas riding marathon when she goes over and stays with him. Ridiculous.

Beaner1 · 21-10-2014 9:40pm

suicide_circus wrote: »

This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact! They are essentially carrying out a long distance relationship while you keep the gutters clear until their big Christmas riding marathon when she goes over and stays with him. Ridiculous.

Beautifully put.

Linoge · 22-10-2014 10:03am

Why is she going over to him and not him coming over to her? A bit convenient that that situation means you won't even be in the same country, that she wouldn't be coming home to sleep with you at night. Also, that way you won't get a chance to meet him or see how they interact (ie. flirt) with each other.

I think you would sound extremely reasonable to say, of course she can see her "friend", just he has to come here to visit her.

22-10-2014 10:14am

fupply_gssalan wrote: »

Speaking as someone who ended up sleeping with their ex when they returned for a few weeks, I can say that emotions and feelings will return for both parties involved.

Is there not a danger in extrapolating one single personal anecdote, into a rule about all such cases?

OP - to me it sounds like she has been entirely open and transparent about all aspects of her now friendship with him. It really is up to you - not anyone here - to decide if this has won your trust - or not.

But those simply declaring outright that they somehow know these two are going to end up sexual are simply pulling this out of the air.

larrymiller wrote: »

Make sure it's her time of the month when she goes

I honestly have no idea what this is meant to mean or what relevance you think it has on anything.

suicide_circus wrote: »

This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact!

I was not aware that contact - or lack of it - was the defining attribute of whether you are in a relationship with someone or not.

Girlfriend travelling to meet her ex

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