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ldr boyfriend with the ability to control.

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    #32
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    2roadsdiverged wrote: »
    " you can't seem to grasp that this relationship doesn't exist of it was different from the way it has been. after even telling you how I'd probably kill myself going through telling people, your selfish nature reigns supreme and need you and crave people knowing and having their attention "

    This is ridiculous. This is him being completely, utterly & laughably ridiculous. He's not being deep or insightful or meaningful, he is being pathetic. You can't help or change someone who behaves like that towards you or who turns something very, very small (telling his friends he has a girlfriend) into a huge mountainous issue that you are selfish to question. Honestly you will never feel better than you do a few weeks down the road when you have cut him out of your life and no one says things like that to you anymore!! Don't fall out with your folks over this guy, he is for sure and for serious not worth it.


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    #33
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users Posts: 7,548 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    2roadsdiverged wrote: »

    He doesn't seem to understand that wanting your relationship to not be one that is a secret isnt a form of attention seeking.

    I would say he understands it perfectly well but is just telling you that so you'd stop questioning it.
    OP, you know yourself that this relationship is not a relationship. Nobody who loves someone will want to hide them away or dictate what they do. What I would do personally is cut all contact and communication, get back on Facebook and go apologise to your friends. You don't need to break up with someone who doesn't treat what you have as a relationship, just stop talking to him and block him because he will most likely hurl abuse when he finds out what you've done.

    I've been in a similar situation with what I refer to as an ex for handiness sake but I don't count it as a relationship at all. Don't be surprised if your self esteem plummits even afterwards. It's incredible what something like this does to you mentally. However, don't like that stop you. Be good to yourself, go treat yourself and learn to love yourself. I used different forms of meditation and became emersed in learning the reasoning behind why people do it. The more I learned it's not my fault (and I don't mean people telling me, that doesn't really have an effect on me), the easier it became.

    How old is he OP? If he does get nasty afterwards, I'd strongly consider sending whatever he says to his mother. Do not answer phone calls though.


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    #34
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    He hid you in his room while his friends were over? So what happens if you go to him for the summer? He's not going to introduce you to his friends. He has told you his life would be hell if people knew he was in a relationship?? So what's the plan for the summer? If he's not going to tell people about you, what are you going to do over there? How are you going to go about your daily life?

    A previous poster mentioned her abusive partner locking her in a room for 2 days. Going by his past behaviour, it's not unreasonable to think he would do the same to you.

    I know people have said this in almost every post, but you are only 17. You don't need this. At 17, apart from your leaving cert, your life is as carefree as it's ever going to be. This should be the most enjoyable time of your life. Before"adulthood", and bills and jobs and loans and waiting for payday etc happens!

    Look at it another way, he says his life would be hell if he told people he was in a relationship... So do him a favour an leave him free to be single and not have to lie to everyone around him. I really hope you can find the courage to walk away from this.

    I find it strange that you call it an all consuming relationship when you haven't physically seen each other since August. Drop him. Block him on everything. Get back in touch with all your friends and enjoy being 17. Enjoy going out at weekends. Enjoy being allowed talk to people.

    If your friend came to you and told you some of the stuff you have told us, what would your advice be/


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    #35
    2roadsdiverged
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭2roadsdiverged


    Meauldsegosha wrote: »
    OP have you told him you plan on spending the whole summer in Scotland? I can't imagine he would be too happy about that.

    I agree with the other poster that you need to leave this man. I think you know this yourself but are frightened which is understandable, he has isolated you from your friends and your family. But you will make friends again and meet a man who respects and loves you.

    Yeah it was actually his idea to have me over for the summer, and if I speak of any other plan I might have he's just like "you're choosing that over me" just real guilt trip.


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    #36
    2roadsdiverged
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭2roadsdiverged


    sup_dude wrote: »

    How old is he OP? If he does get nasty afterwards, I'd strongly consider sending whatever he says to his mother. Do not answer phone calls though.

    he's only 17 too, exactly a week older than me but he is very immature and just gets happiness from verbal abuse constantly like when I asked him as to why his friends/anyone outside of his family couldn't know he called me ignorant and selfish so


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    #37
    Bodhi
    Registered Users Posts: 28 ✭Bodhi


    Honestly this isn't a relationship this is someone ruling your life. Relationships are not suppose to be about hiding your partner away from your friends. When you find someone in your life that treats you correctly then you will realise how much of a clown this guy really is. Be strong move on with your life.


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    #38
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    if people knew he had a girlfriend then his life would be hell, the actual reply was:

    " you can't seem to grasp that this relationship doesn't exist of it was different from the way it has been. after even telling you how I'd probably kill myself going through telling people, your selfish nature reigns supreme and need you and crave people knowing and having their attention "

    Why would his life be hell if peeps thought he had a gf??? That seems odd. Infact he is the one who cares about attention and opinion and image more if people finding out he had a GF would cause that reaction.


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    #39
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    2roadsdiverged wrote: »
    he's only 17 too, exactly a week older than me but he is very immature and just gets happiness from verbal abuse constantly like when I asked him as to why his friends/anyone outside of his family couldn't know he called me ignorant and selfish so

    I bet he doesn't give his friends the verbal abuse you get off him. Nor would he dare to. Why? Because he knows they'd tell him where to go. Why should you be treated any differently? Calling him immature is being very kind to him. In reality he is a manipulative bully who has steadily but surely picked away at your self esteem, isolated you and made you fearful of life without him in it.

    The next few months of your life are going to be the most important ones you'll have for a while. With the Leaving Cert on the horizon, the last thing you need is this nasty piece of work wrecking your head.

    It's also going to be a shorter summer break than normal for you because once the results come out, you'll be getting ready for college. Incidentally, you didn't answer my earlier question: if you go over to this lad for the summer are your parents still prepared to pay for your third level education? Or is that off the table along with you not being allowed home? Those are very high stakes for someone you have considered breaking up with..


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    #40
    2roadsdiverged
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭2roadsdiverged


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    The next few months of your life are going to be the most important ones you'll have for a while. With the Leaving Cert on the horizon, the last thing you need is this nasty piece of work wrecking your head.

    It's also going to be a shorter summer break than normal for you because once the results come out, you'll be getting ready for college. Incidentally, you didn't answer my earlier question: if you go over to this lad for the summer are your parents still prepared to pay for your third level education? Or is that off the table along with you not being allowed home? Those are very high stakes for someone you have considered breaking up with..



    Well in the early stages of the relationship I was completely going to just move to Scotland I have applied through UCAS for Scottish colleges etc but the more I think of going down that route I'm setting myself in for hell. My parents have made it clear that if I think of going to college there they won't support me at all because they're so against it.


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    #41
    Littlekittylou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭Littlekittylou


    2roadsdiverged wrote: »
    <Mod Snip> There is no need to quote the previous post. We all know what you are replying to. Please don't clog up the thread with duplicate text.
    Don't do it then.


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    #42
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Did you apply for anything through the CAO?


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    #43
    2roadsdiverged
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭2roadsdiverged


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Did you apply for anything through the CAO?

    Yeah I applied for CAO, think more so the appeal of the UCAS system is the fact it works on grades rather than points but I know if I go my parents won't even provide information for a grant or support me so I'm setting myself for failure immediately so I was probably not going to ever go to Scotland with that in mind


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    #44
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    How are you feeling now regarding this? Are you thinking of breaking up?


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    #45
    2roadsdiverged
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭2roadsdiverged


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    How are you feeling now regarding this? Are you thinking of breaking up?

    I think so although I've never had to break up with someone before especially like through a text but I suppose it is the only way to do so given the circumstances


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    #46
    Lollipops23
    Registered Users Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    2roadsdiverged wrote: »
    I think so although I've never had to break up with someone before especially like through a text but I suppose it is the only way to do so given the circumstances

    Breaking up by text is the only option available to you, and considering his overall behavior it's probably the best one.

    I would suggest sending him a message saying you've had a think about things and you're done being a doormat. Wish him well, and tell him you won't be contacting him again to discuss it. Then delete his number and take your life back.

    You are about to enter one of the most exciting phases of your young life and I am excited for you. Join clubs, reconnect with old friends, and get yourself a decent LC. The world is about to be your oyster m'dear ;)


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    #47
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I really don't want to be harsh on you OP, but this lad isn't your bf. You haven't seen him since August. So you're not really "breaking up" with him as such, you're just stopping contact with him. Honestly, I don't think he even deserves the courtesy of a breakup text. Just block him. At 17 you should be out enjoying being 17. LDRs are usually reserved for people a bit older in much more stable relationships.

    His reaction to and reason for not telling people he has a girlfriend is utterly ridiculous. And usually when somebody says something so nonsensical it's because they are not telling the truth. I think you are not the only girl he has been seeing. He's not telling his friends about you because it would make his life hell? Does he mean it would stop him going out with his friends and being with other girls??

    As far as his friends are concerned he is a single 17 year old fella. What do you think single 17 year old young fellas get up to most weekends?

    He's not your bf. He's a fella you know who likes to verbally abuse you and control you. You're only 17 and not very experienced with relationships. Let me tell you, at 17 you're supposed to be giddy about your bf. You're supposed to be excited about seeing him. (And you're supposed to ACTUALLY see him, too!) You're not a child so you feel you are capable of making your own decisions. But you're not quite an adult either so your parents are understandably worried about you. The thing most teenagers need to realise is, your parents don't stop you from doing things just to annoy you. Your parents try to stop you from doing things that they can see have the potential for huge damage, because they love you, and are worried for you.

    In a few years time you'll understand this better. And hopefully you will be here advising young people of the warning signs to look out for, and telling them how to avoid the mistakes that you made.

    You're only young. You have loads of time to get over this eejit. Just block him now. When you do you will feel like a new person. And your next bf is out there waiting to meet you. But he can't meet you if you're too afraid to leave your house because of a pimply pathetic cowardly loser living in Scotland!


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    #48
    mossieh
    Registered Users Posts: 436 ✭✭mossieh


    OP, it sounds like your parents have good judgement. Listen to them.


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