Sad in my marriage which should be great.

Magicmatilda · 12-09-2014 11:07am

miss choc wrote: »

We have always agreed on another house he wanted to buy when there was the recession but for other reasons I didnt want to.

At this time did he continue plan viewings? Did he go and see houses without you and then arrange to bring you them even though you had been clear with him about not wanting a new house? Did he allow you not to attend viewings on the basis there were no bids yet - implying that when there are you wopuld have to go? Because that is what you are doing, you are totally and absolutely disregarding his feelings and just motoring ahead.

Your mother does not need all her furnitire or ornaments there, you simply need to do a clear out.

I don't know OP you just don't seem to be taking on board any of the advice.

Why are you waiting until Christmas to rent out your mothers house?
Why are you expecting him to help with cleaning, when you are at home all day and your mother is out at day care three days a week. I am all for sharing responsibilities but you are at home all day?
You say he went out to every single world cup match? Is that true? There were three or four matches a day for a month and he went out to see every single one? That seems very stange, did he not go to work during this period? Or are you exaggerating here?

What age are you OP? As you sound very young and naive? You actually sound as though you are in denial. What was you counsellors opinion of the situation? Did she make any recommendations?

miss choc · 13-09-2014 12:57pm

Just to address a few issues as I have only seen some of these replies now. Firstly we both had decided at a team on either renovating or moving house before my Mam came up this decision never changed when Mam arrived and my husband is still on board to do something either the former or latter as he does not want to be in this house down the line unless it is renovated or we move. I would never ever demand to want to move, or bid on houses without talking it though with him first. He told me to go to the viewings this w/end which I did and because I will be away next w/end he say is is going to look at some himself.
As I said I get notifications in re jobs through email I can only work 15 hrs a week and that is only 2.5 days in the afternoon as I have to be here in the morning for Mam. Thanks to the other posters re healthcare I will contact the public health care nurse again about that fair deal the woman told me it's only when a person gets really bad you put them on the list which I thought was strange as I wanted to put Mam on the list two years again to get the ball rolling. I am going to ask all about that and the legal stuff when I do the course in October as I don't want hubby to be stressing over this.
I am in my 30's and am young to have a parent with dementia but I cope it was hard at first the mental aspect of it couple of mood swings, and other personality traits but I try to diffuse arguments with Mam now as it is pointless arguing with someone with that condition the Alzheimers society have been a great help. I do miss my Dad for support and would be nice to have siblings but my friends are great and so is hubby but during week I honestly want him to have his time out, cook his dinner and not have him worrying as I know he is doing his best.
I have learned a few home truths and hopefully I will try to take comments on board. Hubby was the one who suggested a valuation for this house two wks ago to see if we will sell or stay and also suggested down the line getting an architect in if we decide to stay I hadnt even mentioned these things we always sit down and go through our options my problems is I have in the past been too hasty and pressuring him to look at houses I know know if he wants to do it he will in his own time and not to stress him.

dellas1979 · 14-09-2014 2:03pm

Here is a question OP.

If your mam never arrived to live with you guys, do you think that he would want to sell for a bigger place?

Because there in lies an answer to an awful lot of your questions and issues.

I dont doubt for 1 second that he loves her, but lets look at the bigger picture:
- Bigger house, means bigger money (of which he has to provide)

- Dimensia means, unfortunately, its not a case of if she gets worse, its when.

- Her house. Her asset. Which is why they more than likely bought it, is an asset for her future. This is something I dont get from your post. The house (I have to assume, with your mam 80 years old and your dad passing), the mortgage is paid off. So, you are saying the house isnt worth anything, at all? If it was in negative equity, Id understand a big problem. But here ye are all squeezed into a house, him working his ass off, with her house doing absolutely nothing. Your plan to rent it out is still months away. It is so so odd to me why you wont use it. Or clear it out, right now than taking your mother off on hols and day trips. Or him off to a spa. Like, are you serious?

- Which leads me to the next part. You are saying, right now, that things are barely managable. I dont mean to be rude, but if your mam is currently ok, still functioning away, what are you doing all day? You mam isnt riddled to the bed, and your day doesnt consists of bed pans, and 100% carer work. You clean and make dinner? So do the rest of us, on top of jobs and everything else.

- Which leads me to my final point. Are you an only child? You dont seem to think pratically. As in, were you looked after most or all your life? There doesnt see to be anyone there to say to you "what in the heck are you doing/thinking?" Because you dont seem to have a clue what you are doing. Your partner is in fact the primary carer for 2 people. And you are letting him. Because thats what you are/were used to. But the situation has changed now.

Can you not get up off where ever you are sitting now, and make decisions that will help all 3 of you (and if you come back on here going on about a bigger house again going on what you are doing now, well then all I can see is that you want to do nothing at all).

Sad in my marriage which should be great.

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