Sad in my marriage which should be great.

miss choc · 08-09-2014 9:51am #1

I am married for 10 years. They have been good 10 years with the expected ups and downs and we are healthy and not on the breadline. We or I should be happy but life events have made a lot of things issues in our relationship. In the past 12 years there have ben 3 close bereavements and my elderly mother is living with us now due to Dementia. This has never been a problem however our house is small and we need a bigger place with the house market the way it is we are in a quandry about weather to renovate (our tiny house that already has an extension) or buy. OH doesnt want to get stung again like we did in the Celtic tiger days and is cautious to buy. Another problem is our issues suprisingly Mam is not the worry I think there were always underlying issues we love each other share common interests but not enough. The only problem i know my husband had with me was that of “space”. He always mentioned that he needs his space and i do not give him that. I tried understanding what he meant and doing things to make him feel that i am trying, and all seemd ok but I tend to forget and it's back to square one with us fighting. He starts isolating himself and ignoring me on all accounts I know I watch my TV, shopping do my stuff I dont have a problem with him meeting mates, watching footy playing online pc games but I feel I lose him sometimes. We are really like flatmates that do not get on right now. I have tried talking to him and it goes back to needing his own space and that the house isnt his own anymore (nothing to do with Mam)
I have always tried not to be the clingy over caring wife and give him his space but I dont seem to be doing a good job of it it seems.
If we fight it's strained for days and it doesnt help when we are trying to look at houses I feel he is not 100% commited to wanting a house, or tidying up even our house to get a valuer in or an architect if we renovate. I feel no matter what compromise I give to him it's no good. When i try and talk to him to resolve and issue it's either not interested, go up to bed and dont follow him or continue playing pc games online so he cant here me. The only response he has is ” i have nothing to say”. I do not know what to do…..i did mention to him just now that the way this marriage is, it cannot go on as we are both obviously not happy I feel I don't want to live another 50 years like this. I said maybe you have depression according to him he hasnt and he wont go to counselling either cos it's me that has problem so I cant force him.
I try and give him space meeting friends, bringing Mam on hols, to give him house to himself and he says oh I'm a martyer having to go out drinking, shopping etc but really half of it is yes to enjoy myself but to give him some space but he doesnt believe me he thinks I am doing it just for my own satisfaction. This is taking a toll on me (and i suspect on him too) and it feels that he is not willing to do anything about the situation. O:| I know he is major stressed at work and with commute, not very healthy and has lots of family issues to take care of unfortunately they are things I can not help him with but sometimes I feel like I am treading on eggshells with him. When I first met him he was the best man ever and was fun to be with I don't want to separate as it would mess up everything and I want to try and salvage this wreak. When we are good it's fantastic but when we are fighting we are so miserable. I don't know what to do. We don't have kids and sometimes I think he still wants to live like he did in his twenties and enjoy going out and having no responsibilities. He gets depressed cos he is in a job he hates and feels life is passing him by graduates are learning more and more new things in his IT field and he still needs experiences in the newer programs, his parents aren't alive he is an only child. The weekend is his time to chill and whereas I feel I am giving him breathing space I seemingly am not. Our brains are totally wired differently

( If I suggest a doctor, go to gym he get cross cos he knows he has to do it and he will be never ever gets round to it. I asked him to tidy bits of the house two wks ago and I ended up doing it he apologised and said he was stressed at work and I said it was Ok cos I didnt want a fight. In the beginning of our relationship he was the soft one and let me away with everything and now the tables are turning he is getting like me in the past I don't like it maybe I need to look at my own issues too. I should try not to be childish and irresponsible

Lucyfur · 08-09-2014 10:15am

MOD

Hi OP,

I've moved your thread over to Relationship Issues. Wishing you all the very best.

Lucy.

LegacyUser · 08-09-2014 11:45am

OP, to be honest, I think that you are being a little bit naive if you think that all of this has nothing to do with your mother.

Your husband sounds depressed and like he is under a lot of pressure. I presume that you don't work if you care for your mother? If this is the case, all of the financial burden rests with him. Even if this is not the case, since you want to buy a house, he has to stay in a job he hates.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to live in a small space with your mother in law who us suffering from dementia. He may not tell you because he feels guilty about it but I bet he wishes that she was not there. You say that he has family issues that you cannot help with. Why is this? Is it because your time and energy is take up with your mother.

I can see why he feels that the house isn't his anymore. You and your mother can leave and go on holiday but all of the stuff will be there to remind him that you two don't live alone.

I can't offer any helpful advice. He is unhappy. Your situation with your mother won't change. Did you discuss moving your mother in and think through all of the repercussions before you did it?

miss choc · 08-09-2014 1:32pm

Well this is how it is Mam was living down the country on her own we moved her into the town when my Dad died and was happily living there for 4 yrs till the dementia started getting a little worse ie getting phone calls from drs, missing appts, tablets etc. Naturally it was hard for a couple in their 30's to up sticks house friends and my husbands job to move down the country so we made a joint decision that Mam would stay with us. We were always planning on getting another bigger house before Mam came to stay. My husband loves my Mam as he lost his Mam in his 20's and is very close to my mother. She is at the stage that she is just forgetful and repeats stuff so she is definately not ready for a nursing home yet. We have the 30 day respite and we go on our hols for a break as I believe couples need space too. And loads of times I have said to husband to go off on a break himself or bring his friends down to Mam's house for a w/end away for a break but he never takes up the offer cos he is so busy at work he contracts cos he doesnt want permanancy. When he first met 12 yrs ago he was going to go back to Oz and then change of plan met me and rest is history sometimes I feel he resents that as I know he has worked a lot abroad and he feels he is approaching 40, stuck in a rut doing old IT work in a country he doesnt want to be in. Moving abroad much as I would like I have Mam to think about and we have friends here and it's all that starting again it would be like we are running away from our responsibilities. I understand it can be tough in a small house not having space but if one of his parents had been living with us I would have taken it on that is what couples do you are a team and support each other through good times and bad. He is a good man and I dont want to see him unhappy I wish I could help him with his troubles but I can't so I guess I can only work on fixing the things I need to do and to support him as much as I can as a wife.

Magicmatilda · 08-09-2014 1:52pm

Are you an only child or is there someone else who can help with your mam?

I know that I would find it very difficult to have a third person come into my home permanently and no amount of weekends away would make that better for me. My home is my refuge and I simply would not be happy if it were invaded (as I would see it) long term.

Are you working? Or does the financial burden for you and your mam rest on him? As someone said if he is stuck in a job hates and can't move then no wonder he is unhappy.

From what I can see:
1. He hates his job
2. He wants to live in another country
3. He has a long commute
4. he has family issues which you can not help with

I am not surprosed he is down. Have you asked him what he wants? Does he want your mum living there? does he want to go to another country? If so, where? Does he want children? Does he want a new house? Which of these things can you work to acheieve? It sounds like none of his dreams or needs are being taken into consideration but your are, I could be wrong but that is how it sounds.

You say you try to give him space but how can you if your mum is there constantly except for 30 days a year!

Could you build a granny flat and get some care in for your mum so she is close by but not actually in your house?

Maybe just leave him be to get on with his own stuff and go and get yourself some counselling, it might help you to figure out what the problem is. I suspect that you suggesting he is depressed, needs counselling, needs a doctor, needs to clean up etc is probably getting on his nerves.

Do you guys ever get a chance to go out and have fun together? That might help too.

miss choc · 08-09-2014 2:39pm

Yes we are both only children so when we both need a break we have respite luckillly Mam isnt that bad yet where I need to be 24/7 with her as we do get to go to the pub for a drink and the local day care brings her out for a few hours 3 days a week which is good. I don't work I am her carer so I am aware the financial situation is on him. We both agreed at the start to bring Mam up to Dublin as it was either get a live in carer or nursing home option which I knew she is not ready for yet and I dont think she would have liked a stranger in her home she needs stability, familiar faces and routine. We both didn't really want kids when we started going out so that is not an issue. He realises that we need more room but we bought in the boom and he is the sensible one in the relationship and doesnt want to get stung again with Dublin prices. If he had his way he would rent for life as they do abroad in the cities he worked in he is like a free spirit likes his own company (but has lots of friends) cos he is very easy going and doesnt ask for much just a beer, some football, good books and computer games

I think if he had those things in a job he likes in a sunny country that would tick the boxes wishful thinking though. Our reality check is here.

He does accept blame for some things his Dad died last year, problems with probate, health issues then the commuting, Mam, hating his job, and me going on about houses and what to do he says sometimes he feels his head is about to explode and had ended up crying. I think I have to put the brakes on and maybe ask him what "he" wants and not what I think he wants. He says he feels he is constantly interrupted by me and I don't respect him we are on different wavelengths I think. I do my best by letting him go out with mates, footie, buying him nice things but I think I realise that is superficial I need to change the way I talk to him and give him space. I just always feel hard done by sometimes ie asking nicely for him to help clean house and never gets done or to talk to me about the house I end up viewing them on my own and if theres a fight he wont see it half out of spite and cos he is too tired so the row escalates again :rolleyes: I know what I have to do but I dont want to be taken advantage of either and him milking the situation I feel I shouldnt have to take on major responsibilities of our lives on my own I would just like to work at stuff together.
BTW a granny flat wouldnt work cos there is already an extension so if we build more we will end up with no back garden and a massive tree blocking all our light on the room I think we need to get house valued and an architect in to see if there is any way round of getting an extra room. The bidding scenario is stressing always as we have been outbid twice.

Barely There · 08-09-2014 3:23pm

miss choc wrote: »

our house is small and we need a bigger place

miss choc wrote: »

. OH doesnt want to get stung again like we did in the Celtic tiger days and is cautious to buy.

miss choc wrote: »

.I feel he is not 100% commited to wanting a house,

miss choc wrote: »

I am aware the financial situation is on him. .

.

miss choc wrote: »

If he had his way he would rent for life

It seems from the above quotes that you're both on completely different pages about the new house. It seems to be the thing that you've mentioned most.

You seem to be just pushing ahead anyway with viewing potential new places. Shouldn't you be agreeing as a couple what your next move should be. Are you completely ignoring the fact that he doesn't seem to want to, or feels he can't afford to get a new house?

LegacyUser · 08-09-2014 3:34pm

miss choc wrote: »

he says sometimes he feels his head is about to explode and had ended up crying.

The above is ringing huge alarm bells and you need to take notice of this. On the scale of life stressors when you add them all up your husband has a huge amount of pressure. If left unresolved and allowed to continue it can result in burnout or a breakdown particularly when he is feeling trapped with little control over his life. Don't be surprised if he might just pack up some day and just leave if it all gets too much and from what I can see from your description he is already on a slippery slope.

You decided not to have children but now you do have a dependent living with you, your mother, which you refer to as "our responsibilities". I do understand that is not an easy situation especially as you are an only child but it is having an impact on your husband's quality of life and compounding his sense of lack of control over if he doesn't even want to live in Ireland and would be prefer to emigrate.

You have said your mother's house is down the country and told him he can use it at any time. Does that mean it is not being rented out or not going to be sold. From rental income or the proceeds of selling the house could your mother move into a retirement village or complex. It wouldn't be quite the same as a nursing home and there would be structures in place to provide supports. I can understand you must be very torn between your mother's welfare and your husband's welfare. It is a difficult position to be in but your husband is making a huge amount of sacrifices and probably feels he is getting little in return. I am aware of somebody you had almost identical life stressors to your husband and when the inevitable crash came they crashed very hard. I think you have some decisions to make for both your mother and your husband.

freshpopcorn · 08-09-2014 3:53pm

I can't really offer much advice to you. It seems ye're in a difficult position at the moment. There is nothing wrong with renting tough. If ye could rent out ye're property and rent somewhere closer to Dublin it could really improve ye're quality of life.

miss choc · 08-09-2014 4:58pm

We plan to rent out my mothers place as we wouldnt get much in terms of a sale price the rental income would be good for us and to provide for Mam in the future. We both decided that my mother would live with us and I had looked into sheltered accommodation with a carer in Dublin but couldnt find any any I may as well have had Mam in her own house with a carer than a strange house in the city with a carer. At least she has her family belongings and dog with her here. To be honest this didnt all start when Mam came up I think it was festering for a while it is our relationship and Mam was just another issue afterwards honestly she is easy to live with and my husband doesnt mind I think it is me that is the core problem. Mam will sit and read, watch tv, tidy the kitchen, sleep never gets in my husbands way never fighting whereas me on the other hand

I think just even going through all this on the forums has helped me and maybe made me realise that even though my worries and issues are big they are nothing compared to his so I need to tone down the hounding him about everything I just dont know what is a comfortable amount to do and what isnt. As a partner I need to talk to him about things but I dont want to feel I have to tread on eggshells round him watching what I say in case he get cross at every turn. We have always agreed on another house he wanted to buy when there was the recession but for other reasons I didnt want to and he feels now blaming me a bit we have missed the boat but sure we all didnt know the prices would sky rocket again in Dublin. Our house quandry is renovate an 850sq ft (already extended) house or look for a 3 bed and dish out more money than if we renovate naturally this is why I need my husband I cant make this decision alone it affects all of us. He has suggested renting in the past but I'm not sure I have had my own place for 7 years and I love my little garden I dont really want to bring an 80 yr old and a dog into a rented house. Living abroad would be nice but this might be just an opt out situation when you get there you still have to get house, jobs, facilities for Mam etc language barrier.

bee06 · 08-09-2014 7:56pm

It sounds like you've decided what you want and your husband doesn't get a say in it despite presenting multiple other options.

piperh · 08-09-2014 9:19pm

I'm sorry this may appear blunt but I can't think of any other way to put it.

You appear very naive and quite demanding. It's one thing saying you'd both agreed to your mom moving in but in reality it's likely he's finding it harder to live with than he expected, it's often more just a case of someone ele being there 24/7 than what they are actually doing. And I'm sorry but you've said she is not a full-time job so why is he being asked to do housework after being at work all week when you've been at home. I'm all for sharing when you've both been at work but if one is at home it seems unfair.

That being said you clearly want to try and sort things out and change your relationship for the better so well done. As daft as it might seem seeing a relationship counsellor on your own might put you on track and help. Good luck.

CaraMay · 09-09-2014 5:44am

What do you mean you 'let' him go for drinks?

miss choc · 09-09-2014 10:16am

Lol that came across so wrong as if I control what he does I meant that he does his own thing going out for drinks with lads, watching footie, I tell him go out enjoy yourself offered a spa w/end by himself to chill out for his birthday next month but doesnt want it I thought he might like his own space but said it wouldn't be the same with me he would get bored. I am easygoing and dont mind if he's out late as he is his own person and needs his own bit of socialising. Sure he was out for every single match during World Cup and I didnt mind

I meant that there is one girl I know and when we are out with herself and her husband she is watching time and if he is out with my hubby on his own she is texting him and expecting him not to be late he never gets to just go all out and enjoy a night out with his male friends. I would never stop hubby from seeing his mates it does him the world of good and vice versa not good to be clingy

FairytaleGirl · 09-09-2014 3:09pm

Have you actually sat down and discussed with your husband what he wants?how he feels?
You seem to be looking at the outside things, his job, the fact he can be social if he wants. But what about his inner feelings?
How are other parts of your relationship?
Would you be willing to compromise to help your husband be happier? A month/year in oz for e.g.? Taking on a part time job while your mother isnt too bad so he can take some time off or look for another job/study?

Barely There · 09-09-2014 3:39pm

miss choc wrote: »

Our house quandry is renovate an 850sq ft (already extended) house or look for a 3 bed and dish out more money than if we renovate naturally this is why I need my husband I cant make this decision alone it affects all of us.

I don't get what the big issue is with your current house - which seems to be a big part of the current friction.
You say it's too small, but even allowing for the fact that your mother is there with you, 850sq ft isn't exactly tiny. Why do you need 3 bedrooms anyway if you don't have kids?

CaraMay · 09-09-2014 5:45pm

Why not sell your mothers house and put the proceeds into the pot for a larger house for the 3 of you?

miss choc · 09-09-2014 5:51pm

Well he came home last night knackered after work but I needed to have a talk with him to clear the air. Reading all the answers on the forums helped to focus what I have to do. I said to him if you want to back off on getting a house for a while that's ok or if the job, city etc is really getting you down we can pack up us, Mam the dog and move abroad I said I would do it for him because I love him and I hate to see him unhappy. I think he was touched by this that I would do it. I told him I had planned a surprise spa treatment in a hotel for him and he said it wouldnt be the same if I wasnt with him I said anyway to at least let me bring him out for a meal. I will be away with my Mam for a week so that will give him some timeout.

In terms of inner feelings I know he has a lot going on but unfortunately I can't help him with it as I may be interfering sometimes you have to let him do his own thing in his own time (within reason)
How are other parts of your relationship? Well good we enjoy each others company he is bookish, into sport, computers etc I am girlie watching soaps, chatty, niteclubs taste in music bit different a bit chalk and cheese but we click in other ways we adore travel, restaurants, going out, tv, films, and have the same sense of quirky humour I dont think either of us have grown up sometimes we act like kids.

In relation to a part time job I do trawl websites but I am kept busy at home I have a carers course coming up end of year so that will take up a bit of time. Down the line I would need to be in house though with Mam luckilly it's fine at the moment and I just enjoy having my time to bond with her.
My husband ideally wants to contract abroad in what he does what he ideally wants (for a permanent job/career)is a part of IT that he needs experience in so he need to get a portfolio going or looking at taking lower pay to build up his experience I think he feels as his age though he has missed the boat and all the graduates are doing new and exciting IT work and he feels stuck in a rut. All the degrees, courses he says don't mean anything unless he can build up some work experience in what he wants to get into. So that is something that he has to do himself cos I havent a clue of the area of IT.

miss choc · 09-09-2014 5:54pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Why not sell your mothers house and put the proceeds into the pot for a larger house for the 3 of you?

The sale of the house would be nothing house prices in that part of the country are crap. We are clearing it at the mo and have an agent on board so they can rent it out for us hopefully at the end of the year. The rental income will be put by for Mam's upkeep and some savings for us and Mam's health down the line

miss choc · 09-09-2014 6:00pm

Barely There wrote: »

I don't get what the big issue is with your current house - which seems to be a big part of the current friction.
You say it's too small, but even allowing for the fact that your mother is there with you, 850sq ft isn't exactly tiny. Why do you need 3 bedrooms anyway if you don't have kids?

We used to have relatives, friends staying over but now can't as dont have another room we could I guess get a sofa bed in the sitting room but it's not ideal if people come to stay. But apart from that we have no attic space you cant stand in the attic it is tiny so we cant put stuff up in it, no fitted wardrobes, and Mam used to live in a big 3 bed so all her clothes, ornaments, bits of furniture etc has come up to our 2 bed. We thought of putting stuff into storage but we dont know how long it would be in there for and could be pricy long term. Think I need to get to IKEA for more storage boxes :rolleyes:

Stavro Mueller · 09-09-2014 11:50pm

I think you're underestimating how taking your mother into your home's affecting your husband. Fond and all as he may be of her, she's still an outsider who's now living in under his roof. That's a hard thing to live with. It's no longer you and him. It's him, you and someone who's not only not going away anytime soon but is going to become increasingly dependent. I know a little about caring for someone with dementia so I understand how tough it can be. As the dementia sufferer becomes worse, caring for them consumes you more than you realise it does. Down the line you're going to have some hard decisions to make and one of them may be to put your mum into a nursing home. You don't need me to tell you that that's going to cost a lot of money. If that Fair Deal scheme is still up and running it might be worth finding out what the story is re. your mum's house paying for her care should she end up going into a home.

The biggest problem both you and your husband have is that you're stuck and frustrated. Your biggest issue is that you'd like a larger home but realistically that's not going to happen. Especially not with only one income coming into the house for the foreseeable future and the spectre of having to part with money to pay for your mother's care. Realistically, upping sticks and moving to Oz either with or without your mother is a non-runner for now. Maybe you should park your expectations of getting a bigger house for now and use the sofa bed. Without being horrible, your mum's not going to be in your house forever and you'll have that spare room again.

It's a real shame your husband's refusing to get help because he badly needs it. My guess is that all this talk about needing more space from before your mum even moved in comes from his feeling trapped. A guy who wants to move abroad, wants to rent forever etc. doesn't sound like someone who wants to settle down in the way you do. He has probably been railing against this for a long long time. He's going to have to come up with a Plan B for his own sanity. Are there any courses he can do to improve his skillset and earning potential? Would him going to England for a few months/a year to get work experience and coming back at weekends be a short-term compromise? Has he thought about setting up his own business? There are lots of things he could do to help himself if he wasn't in such a heap

cassy1970 · 09-09-2014 11:59pm

Try reading the book His needs Her needs. Might be worth it. Give you both some perspective.

JeffKenna · 10-09-2014 12:08am

What do you actually do all day OP if at the moment your mother is able to look after herself? I hate to be blunt but what time do you normally get up at? Do you watch much tv during the day?

miss choc · 10-09-2014 3:46pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

What do you actually do all day OP if at the moment your mother is able to look after herself? I hate to be blunt but what time do you normally get up at? Do you watch much tv during the day?

God know the only time I watch a bit of tv is with my dinner. I am usually up at 9 with Mam bringing her to and from day care centres during week, cleaning tidying, walking dog, making dinner. I totally understand that is nothing compared to what husband does commuting at 9.30 work all day and back at 6.30. He knows the bulk of the income in his hands and probably knows the pressure. I respect this I am lucky sofar Mam isnt the worse down the line it will be harder and I do think maybe no point getting a 3 bed when there will realistically come a time we dont need it. I dont want to be throwing good money after bad in terms of house buying we got stung already in '08.
The ideal of maybe getting a bit of work experience in uk may be a good idea give him a break outside Ireland and he gets some work experience. He did have his own online business before but didnt last to long in fairness we didnt spend loads on marketing it properly as we were naive about the whole setting up your own business thing. But we tried and got sales and at least it is good for his CV and to say it in future interviews.

midnight_train · 10-09-2014 6:32pm

Hi OP,

I think it's a very caring act to have moved your mother in.

I'm sure you're well aware of what to expect with dementia.

I don't want to alarm you, but do make sure that you and your husband have a plan in mind for how to care for her on down the road.

I won't go too much into my own situation, but suffice to say, my own mother got dementia, it did get much, much worse, family members were in denial about it, there was no plan in place, and the whole situation has caused a LOT of heartache and disruption to family life and relationships.

Whatever you do, have a plan B and a plan C. It sounds a bit cruel (I don't mean it to be), but you need to prioritize you and your husband's relationship, both now and in the future.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's dementia. Alzheimer's is an absolutely horrific disease, and I hope she stays the way she is for a long time yet. You sound like a very good daughter and I wish you and your husband the best.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2014 12:06am

I have some idea of what you are going through at the moment. One of my friends has a parent with dementia and I have learned a lot from them. I would advise you to do the following

a) Look up http://www.alzheimer.ie - to get more information and support in regards to your mother. They also have a helpline to answer questions.
b) Get medical and legal advice in regards to your mother.

Your mother may know what is going on at the moment but you need to realise that in time she will not be in a position to manage her affairs. You need to sort things out now in regards to her house/savings ect. If the fair deal scheme is still running you need to get her name onto it and start to look at care for her in the future.
You can get a legal document drawn up with a solicitor and with her agreement which means you can manage her affairs when she is not in a position to do this. If you don't do this your mother will be made a ward of court so you will have to apply to the court service to use her funds or in regards to any thing you wish to do about her care in the future.
You need to speak to her doctor or her consultant in regards to this as she would need medical exam before you do this. Her consultant would be in a position to advise you further on this.

The reality is that you need to make proper plans in regards to your mother.

I would also contact your local citizen information office and speak to someone about what benefits or support you may be entitled to.

In regards to your husband you need to realise that you have asked him to take on a lot.
Your mother is living in your home so he gets very little time on his own or time for just both of you on your own. Along with this he is supporting you.

Rather than giving out to him about cleaning up and the lack of space you have you need to give him a break. Start to sort out your mothers things. Get rid of some of it and store some of her things.
I would get your mother respite care for a weekend and be prepared to have a proper chat with him about the future. You both need to chat about how to make things better for him, you and start to make long term plans in regards to your mother.
You need to show your husband that he is still important to you and that you value your relationship. I know it is not easy being a career but you need to consider more than your mother at this stage.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2014 1:22am

miss choc wrote: »

... but we click in other ways we adore travel, restaurants, going out, tv, films ...

This really hit me OP. It sounds like you are both quite different people, but that you aren't getting to do the things that you do have in common. Are you making time for any of those things? Do you do anything together any more?

I'm sorry to say it, but I think you are living in wonderland if you think that getting a bigger house/extending your current house is on the cards. It sounds like your husband is under severe pressure to maintain you & your Mum financially, in a job that he isn't enjoying at all, in a home environment that he finds difficult to cope with. I honestly think that you are severely underestimating the pressure he is under, and that you need to examine your expectations of what you'd like v how he is coping.

I don't understand how you aren't putting every ounce of effort possible into selling/renting your Mum's house, and getting at least a part time job. Surely this would take the pressure off your husband, and that should be your priority. Without being dramatic, how are you & your Mum going to cope financially if he has a breakdown? Or your relationship breaks down over the pressure he feels under? I think you have to totally forget the ideas of a bigger and better house, and concentrate on what you can do to bring more money into your household and take the pressure off your hubby.

miss choc · 11-09-2014 4:02pm

I'm so glad I am getting varied opinions on the subject as I was going to go to counselling but it is quite expensive. These responses are helping me focus as to what I need to do.
Re my mother - I go to carers meetings when I can every month, Mam goes to a day care centre 3 days a week one of which is run by the Alzheimers Society, we get 30 days respite so use that for holidays and w/end breaks. I will be starting a two month carer course to find out all about the things I will need to know about being a carer esp the legal things, I have put my name on all her bank accounts and her post is forwarded here. I need to look in the ward of court thing she has a solicitor down the country so I don't know weather I should get one in Dublin. I asked about the Fairdeal thing before to the public health nurse and she said you only put persons name down nearer the time ie when they are getting worse cos I thought it would be good to put her on the list now?? must check again. Some w/ends I bring Mam out for day trips to give hubby a break, Her house is the country is nearly cleared out once that is done I will let the estate agents have the go ahead to vet tennets and get someone in asap. They have a key so just need to clear rest of her belongings.
Husband and myself doing better there was a house viewing for Sat I have seen it he hasnt but clashes with a footie game he wants to see in the past I would have got the huff and figured his game was more important to him. But this time I said ok well see it again as there are not bids on it yet. I know it's small but I diffused an situation which could have caused a big argument. I have to understand he needs time out esp at w/ends.
I said to him last night if there is anything I can help him with in relation to his work or progressing with what he wants to do I am here for him to help and support him. I am going to try my best cos I want to keep the peace for everyones sake. I know it will get harder down the line with Mam and have thought of that I do look to see if there are any p/t jobs I can take but because I am a carer I can only work 15hrs a week and certain times of day I have to be in the house for Mam so it would want to be something that is flexible re days/times. I love my husband and love the fact that even though my Mam is not like the way she was 5 yrs again I have her in the house. My Dad is passed as well as my husbands parents so she is the only one left and we both want to provide for her and have a secure happy environment for her.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2014 5:17pm

Between applying for finances for a nursing home & getting a place is on average 3 months.

Alzheimers is a disease which can lurch forward suddenly. It doesn't stay gradual. Something small (like a UTI) can trigger a big deterioration. You're talking hospitisation then, and an assessment from Psych Of Later Life as an in-patient to assess their capacity to make decisions. I'm a nurse, and we get a LOT of admissions for "increased confusion" for example. The family have been taking care of them at home, and are blindsided by this development. Suddenly Mam is too bad to take home. Then Mam ends up having to stay in hospital for those 3 months waiting for a NH bed. Its not fun. So bear that in mind. The earlier you get the ball rolling the better.

As far as a job, you should consider Home Help. Its hugely flexible as regards hours, and there's a ton of agency work out there nowadays. And you're doing a course anyway soon. Look into it.

LegacyUser · 12-09-2014 8:38am

miss choc wrote: »

Husband and myself doing better there was a house viewing for Sat I have seen it he hasnt but clashes with a footie game he wants to see in the past I would have got the huff and figured his game was more important to him. But this time I said ok well see it again as there are not bids on it yet. I know it's small but I diffused an situation which could have caused a big argument. I have to understand he needs time out .

Oh my god, you are STILL putting pressure on him to see houses! Even if you are going about it in a slightly less demanding way, you are still putting the pressure on him. You need to forget the fancier house, the spa weekends for him, the time out for him. These are just window dressing on a pressure cooker. You need to back off and stop with the house stuff, and start doing things to take the pressure off him - not sticking plaster stuff like 'letting' him watch football, meaningful stuff like getting a job and really really stopping the insanity of wanting a new house. Do you really want a house with another bedroom at the expense of your relationship? Is another bedroom that important to you, because that's how you are behaving.

A new house isn't going to fix your relationship - it is going to make it worse, by adding yet more pressure onto your poor husband. I honestly cannot believe that you are still persisting with viewings. Do you not think that the house viewing clashing with a game is his way of putting you off house viewings? Seriously, give the guy a break and stop the madness re a new house. And get a job so that you can pay your way towards him keeping you & your mother going financially

coffee_cake · 12-09-2014 8:41am

OP I have to agree I think you need to stop the house obsession. You may change location but you will still have the same problems.
You will still not be bringing money into the household, you will still have a husband who sounds like he's about to have a burnout, and your mother will still have problems you may not be able to deal with.

Look at home help, find a job, and stop obsessing over houses until you have a more long term plan going.

Sad in my marriage which should be great.

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