Mid 30's and never had a long term boyfriend

CoolLinen · 15-07-2014 6:39pm #1

Hi all,

As the title states, I'm mid 30's and have never had a long term boyfriend. It's really starting I get me down now. I'm lucky that I do have single friends of the same age to go out with. All I meet are younger guys and it just never gets off the ground.

Is it a bad idea to even go out with younger guys?

Any advice from people in the same situation?

gugleguy · 15-07-2014 6:47pm

So you're still on the ’washing line’? . Maybe don't try too hard and pace yourself a bit more. I cracked that because I ’m between gfs for a while myself I’m 42. Still leave yourself room for those hobbies interests and don’t follow the crowd all the time.

Ande1975 · 16-07-2014 11:15am

gugleguy wrote: »

So you're still on the ’washing line’? . Maybe don't try too hard and pace yourself a bit more. I cracked that because I ’m between gfs for a while myself I’m 42. Still leave yourself room for those hobbies interests and don’t follow the crowd all the time.

'Washing line'? How insulting!

Op - you are a catch!
I'm 40 and only ever had 1 serious boyfriend but I did attract a ridiculously hot guy 7 years younger than me and he was serious about me. I just couldn't get over the age gap but friends thought I was insane for not continuing in the relationship.
My brother is married to a woman 5 years older than him. Age is but a number, go out and date as much as possible, you never know unless you try.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2014 11:49am

CoolLinen wrote: »

Hi all,

it just never gets off the ground.

Are you putting that down to age? Or could you perhaps identify another reason that might be preventing things from happening? Since you never had a long-term boyfriend, the issue didn't suddenly spring up in your mid-30's and focussing on some meaningless age gap may be looking at it from the wrong angle.

desbrook · 16-07-2014 11:58am

CoolLinen wrote: »

Hi all,

As the title states, I'm mid 30's and have never had a long term boyfriend. It's really starting I get me down now. I'm lucky that I do have single friends of the same age to go out with. All I meet are younger guys and it just never gets off the ground.

Is it a bad idea to even go out with younger guys?

Any advice from people in the same situation?

It's Ireland so when you say "go out" 90% you mean somewhere where alcohol is an integral part of the night - pubs/latebars/niteclubs. By mid 30's the best guys (single) are not in those places . Lads arent as good at keeping in touch/arranging to meet up so by that age the settled ones have dumped the single ones . The single lads that DO go out are often more interested in their pint than you or just want their bit about 1am when the eighth pint has been sunk .

Gross generalisations but I feel it's true .

So where are the decent guys of about 35 - 40 yrs on a Fri or Sat night ?? Well firstly a lot of them are single dads and as most have their kids over on weekends that's where they are ! You didn't say whether dating a guy with kids is an option . If it's not you are ruling out a lot of sinlge guys in that age group .

In a nutshell I'm saying that bars pubs etc are the last place a mid thirties girl should hope to find a suitable guy of a similar age . Get into the 21st century and join a dating website . There's a forum group here on boards dedicated to the subject . plentyoffish.com is as good as any and free . In my early 40's and separated but met the most amazing woman there two years ago .

Using dating websites is an aqquired skill for some but use common sense and you'll be half way there . Best of luck !

PS - another generalisation but often younger guys desire older women for all the wrong reasons . Ironically they are seen as an "easy lay" by some and a "challenge" by others . Whichever it is older women never have any problem with getting attention .But as you say nothing relationship-wise "gets off the ground " very often .

CoolLinen · 16-07-2014 8:56pm

Guessed wrote: »

Are you putting that down to age? Or could you perhaps identify another reason that might be preventing things from happening? Since you never had a long-term boyfriend, the issue didn't suddenly spring up in your mid-30's and focussing on some meaningless age gap may be looking at it from the wrong angle.

I also have a tendency to run when someone really likes me and I like the ones who don't like me. It's not just the age thing. I do only meet younger guys now.

CoolLinen · 16-07-2014 8:59pm

desbrook wrote: »

It's Ireland so when you say "go out" 90% you mean somewhere where alcohol is an integral part of the night - pubs/latebars/niteclubs. By mid 30's the best guys (single) are not in those places . Lads arent as good at keeping in touch/arranging to meet up so by that age the settled ones have dumped the single ones . The single lads that DO go out are often more interested in their pint than you or just want their bit about 1am when the eighth pint has been sunk .

Gross generalisations but I feel it's true .

So where are the decent guys of about 35 - 40 yrs on a Fri or Sat night ?? Well firstly a lot of them are single dads and as most have their kids over on weekends that's where they are ! You didn't say whether dating a guy with kids is an option . If it's not you are ruling out a lot of sinlge guys in that age group .
n a nutshell I'm saying that bars pubs etc are the last place a mid thirties girl should hope to find a suitable guy of a similar age . Get into the 21st century and join a dating website . There's a forum group here on boards dedicated to the subject . plentyoffish.com is as good as any and free . In my early 40's and separated but met the most amazing woman there two years ago .

Using dating websites is an aqquired skill for some but use common sense and you'll be half way there . Best of luck !

PS - another generalisation but often younger guys desire older women for all the wrong reasons . Ironically they are seen as an "easy lay" by some and a "challenge" by others . Whichever it is older women never have any problem with getting attention .But as you say nothing relationship-wise "gets off the ground " very often .

That makes a lot of sense, I wouldn't rule out someone that has children at all but I do like to go out.
I see what you mean about younger guys and older women but I'm talking 5 years younger no more. Maybe that doesn't make a difference I don't know.

Daisy78 · 16-07-2014 10:48pm

desbrook wrote: »

It's Ireland so when you say "go out" 90% you mean somewhere where alcohol is an integral part of the night - pubs/latebars/niteclubs. By mid 30's the best guys (single) are not in those places . Lads arent as good at keeping in touch/arranging to meet up so by that age the settled ones have dumped the single ones . The single lads that DO go out are often more interested in their pint than you or just want their bit about 1am when the eighth pint has been sunk .

Gross generalisations but I feel it's true .

So where are the decent guys of about 35 - 40 yrs on a Fri or Sat night ?? Well firstly a lot of them are single dads and as most have their kids over on weekends that's where they are ! You didn't say whether dating a guy with kids is an option . If it's not you are ruling out a lot of sinlge guys in that age group .

In a nutshell I'm saying that bars pubs etc are the last place a mid thirties girl should hope to find a suitable guy of a similar age . Get into the 21st century and join a dating website . There's a forum group here on boards dedicated to the subject . plentyoffish.com is as good as any and free . In my early 40's and separated but met the most amazing woman there two years ago .

Using dating websites is an aqquired skill for some but use common sense and you'll be half way there . Best of luck !

PS - another generalisation but often younger guys desire older women for all the wrong reasons . Ironically they are seen as an "easy lay" by some and a "challenge" by others . Whichever it is older women never have any problem with getting attention .But as you say nothing relationship-wise "gets off the ground " very often .

True but it can be very difficult to sustain a relationship with someone who has their children on most weekends. ..it can be difficult to get a relationship off the ground when the guy can't devote much time to you.

Op don't rule out younger men...what really matters is that you are in the same place and want the same things. Just cause there is an age gap doesnt mean a younger guy might not be right for you!

LegacyUser · 17-07-2014 8:55am

CoolLinen wrote: »

I also have a tendency to run when someone really likes me and I like the ones who don't like me.

Well this is your issue then, not the age thing. The age may matter for practical purposes as it may reduce your market a bit, but it's a red herring in seeing the issue for what it is. You are where you are because you haven't solved the real problem and that's what you need to address. After that you can work out the logistics of finding a different may to meet people that will give you access to a market more likely to have someone that suits you in it, or you can ignore age gaps and see the person for who they are and get on with it instead of talking yourself out of getting involved.

redfacedbear · 17-07-2014 1:50pm

I wouldn't class plus or minus 5 years much of an age gap once you're into your mid-30's anyway.

I think the running from the interested ones and towards the un-interested ones is much more likely to be the issue you should be focused on figuring out.

Keep going out if that's your bag, but be open to other avenues - online dating, social clubs, friends of friends etc.

CoolLinen · 21-07-2014 6:55pm

thanks to everyone for replying. I'm going to not worry so much about the age thing and explore new avenues also. I have started with the online thing but it's not working very well so far and I do everything that I'm asked to do in an attempt to meet new people.

desbrook · 21-07-2014 7:01pm

CoolLinen wrote: »

thanks to everyone for replying. I'm going to not worry so much about the age thing and explore new avenues also. I have started with the online thing but it's not working very well so far and I do everything that I'm asked to do in an attempt to meet new people.

Try the forum here on online dating . Nice bunch who are always happy to give tips. You need to apply to join.

CoolLinen · 22-07-2014 8:22pm

I suppose another issue is I feel very inexperienced with men because of it. Hard to get the experience when not in a relationship. I've been with plenty of men but you know....

LegacyUser · 23-07-2014 8:52am

Experience isn't necessarily a great teacher in relationships, it can help, or it can be baggage. Don't see inexperience as a problem, it's about how the two of you are together, not about how the two of you used to be with other people.
It looks like you think too much about what you haven't had or focus on what you imagine to be wrong with relationships you haven't even started yet. It hasn't worked out for you so far and if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got, so maybe change your act, change the way you look at things and start being open to the idea of something happening, instead of wanting it to happen but finding reasons for it not to.

louisenf2014 · 23-07-2014 10:40am

I'm 33 and I have had relationships but nothing serious for around 4 years now and I totally get where you are coming from OP. I feel like I am so used to doing things my own way it's going to take an amazing man to come in and be worth the hassle.

That said, I would like to meet someone but with age I am not willing to fart about with assholes or play mind games with them which kind of reduces options a lot.

In my experience of men, most guys in their mid-thirties who are relatively normal, employed, not bad on the eye are single for a reason. Either they are man whores, damaged, have baggage or are commitment phobes, or worse again, just don't have a clue about how to be in a relationship. This isn't a criticism as I think I also have my own commitment issues and a slight amount of damage.

It's just harder when you get older. When you meet a potential partner in your twenties you have loads of time and no one is thinking about kids or weddings. I think you can't help but bring those thoughts to the table when you're in your mid-thirties and a lot of people have paired up by then.

My approach of late (inspired by friends whose lives are taken over completely by children and the related stress of same) is to relax and enjoy my life, enjoy my freedom and stay busy with hobbies or sports etc. Once I cross that relationship line again it's hopefully going to be for a long time so this is the only time I have left to make the most of being free and having fun, going on girly weekends, flirting in bars, staying out till 4am in the morning with some dude you just met and then doing it with some other guy 3 days later. It's fun and exciting and I know once I settle down it will all be a distant memory. So, just be happy, enjoy your own company, meet your friends, go to the gym, go for drinks, go to networking events in your job if you can (I actually meet great people at these) take up a hobby - I started horse--riding a few months back and just have faith that it will happen if it's supposed to.

The last thing you want is to meet some guy and get settled only to realise you wasted all your single time stressing about meeting a guy. Enjoy it, even in your thirties it's great fun

JeffKenna · 23-07-2014 7:08pm

louisenf2014 wrote: »

In my experience of men, most guys in their mid-thirties who are relatively normal, employed, not bad on the eye are single for a reason. Either they are man whores, damaged, have baggage or are commitment phobes, or worse again, just don't have a clue about how to be in a relationship. This isn't a criticism as I think I also have my own commitment issues and a slight amount of damage.

Have to admit I feel the exact same about women in their 30's. As a rule I wouldn't go over 30 for the exact reasons you mention so I guess it goes both ways.

OP if I could offer some practical advise it would be to go online and meet people that way. Go in with an open mind and zero expectations. Meet people with the attitude of learning who they are and what there about, not an attitude of analysing whether there relationship material or not. You sound like a well together and adjusted women with a lot to offer someone.

louisenf2014 · 24-07-2014 9:43am

JeffKenna wrote: »

Have to admit I feel the exact same about women in their 30's. As a rule I wouldn't go over 30 for the exact reasons you mention so I guess it goes both ways.

.

Completely agree!

DoozerT6 · 24-07-2014 10:11am

louisenf2014 wrote: »

Completely agree!

Completely disagree. Some people just aren't lucky in love, full stop.

Mr. Loverman · 24-07-2014 11:02am

If you are having difficulty attracting men your own age or older, you must be doing something wrong.

So the first step is to stop repeating the same mistakes.

Can I assume you are making the most of your looks?

* Slim (portion control, you don't need the gym)
* Nice hair
* Clean skin
* Light makeup
* Nice clothes
* Clean teeth
* Good posture

Make sure your clothes are age appropriate. If you're dressing like a student, you're not going to attract "older" men.

If you really do have commitment and bad guy issues (you said you run away from men who like you and you are attracted to the wrong sorts of guys), you may want to consider seeing a therapist to try to fix this. It's a major issue.

As others have said, make sure you are out and about so you maximise your odds of meeting someone. Things like bootcamp, gallery openings, gigs, charities...

InReality · 25-07-2014 10:13pm

louisenf2014 wrote: »

My approach of late (inspired by friends whose lives are taken over completely by children and the related stress of same) is to relax and enjoy my life, enjoy my freedom and stay busy with hobbies or sports etc. Once I cross that relationship line again it's hopefully going to be for a long time so this is the only time I have left to make the most of being free and having fun, going on girly weekends, flirting in bars, staying out till 4am in the morning with some dude you just met and then doing it with some other guy 3 days later. It's fun and exciting and I know once I settle down it will all be a distant memory. So, just be happy, enjoy your own company, meet your friends, go to the gym, go for drinks, go to networking events in your job if you can (I actually meet great people at these) take up a hobby - I started horse--riding a few months back and just have faith that it will happen if it's supposed to.

The last thing you want is to meet some guy and get settled only to realise you wasted all your single time stressing about meeting a guy. Enjoy it, even in your thirties it's great fun

This is fantastic advice/approach ! Totally turns the "problem" on its head. Its like not enjoying student life because of always worrying/wondering about a future job. Hope I can take it on board

fillefatale · 26-07-2014 2:03pm

Some of these responses aren't encouraging!! So if we're single after 30 we may as give up as everyone seems to have baggage? Having baggage is human. I know some incredible women in their 30s who are single.

Addle · 26-07-2014 2:58pm

I know great people who are still single and would prefer not to be.
But I do agree that they are single for a reason.
Some have issues/baggage, some are not physically attractive and some have notions way above their station!

Taltos · 26-07-2014 4:08pm

swiftman we have removed your post. Please read our charter before posting in this forum again, due to the nature of the issues here we view all rule breaches very dimly.

Thanks
Taltos

beks101 · 26-07-2014 5:28pm

Good lord people. What has happened to society that being single beyond any age is the mark of some sort of defect in a person?

Whatever happened to people living their lives on their own terms and not living with a primary goal of finding a life partner?

While I'll admit that having prior relationship experience can sort of "hurry up" the process when you do meet someone new - as you've both 'been there' before and know what to expect - having little to no experience does not mean that someone is inherently 'damaged' or in any way lacking.

I've spent most of my life single. I'm smart, copped on, sociable, friendly, quite pretty, accomplished, caring, compassionate, have my **** together blah blah blah. The biggest facilitator in meeting someone for me was in giving up this belief that I need to be in a relationship to validate my existance on this planet. To stop living in this "glass half empty" "there must be something wrong with me" sort of pitiful, negative way that is instantly recognisable to the world around you. To stop believing I was just one half of a future "whole" and to just get out there and live my life, while acknowledging that it would be nice to meet someone - but it wouldn't be the death of me if I didn't.

Life goes on regardless. People get bombed, murdered, tortured, raped and pillaged every day; if the worst thing that would happen to me was that I didn't meet the man of my dreams, then I'd hardly have anything to complain about.

I did other things with my life during my single years that others just never get to do. I got a wonderful education, I climbed a career ladder in an exciting industry and accomplished amazing things, I travelled and saw the world, making lifelong friends around the world and I lived in several different countries.

And I dated, a lot. I got hurt and disappointed by a lot of aRseholes who wanted just one thing, I learned how to deal with rejection, I learned about what are dealbreakers to me in my dating life and I learned to trust my gut when it comes to men.

All of those things led me right into the path of my boyfriend, because I was so savvy to what DIDNT work for me, that I instantly recognised when I was onto something good.

Think of it this way OP. What have you got to benefit from believing you are in some wsy defective to be a certain age and have no real relationship experience? All that does is it narrows your horizons. It lowers your confidence and makes you wary and shut off to others.

It makes you view your single status as some sort of handicap, when in reality it's just something that hasn't happened yet. Just like a career or education or trip around the world hasnt happened to many others.

You have to get to a place where you are moving to the beat of your own drum. You're thinking, "Im deadly" and "my life is amazing" - not IN SPITE OF my single status, but BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE. That's the most attractive quality in anyone and that's what draws anyone to a person. Live a full life.

There's no harm in wanting to meet someone, longing for love and affection and sex and all that comes with it. Express that, talk about it, learn to live with it. But for gods sake dont go shootung yourself in the foot by believing you're in some way damaged because you havent found the love of a good man. A lot of this stuff is down to luck. It just hasnt happened for you yet. And so what? Think of all the things that have.

Addle · 26-07-2014 6:46pm

That's all well and good, but it's foolish to believe that all are equal when it comes to dating/relationship opportunities.

beks101 · 26-07-2014 7:41pm

Addle wrote: »

That's all well and good, but it's foolish to believe that all are equal when it comes to dating/relationship opportunities.

Yeah, some people have sh1t luck in love for a whole host of reasons or for none at all.

What's the advantage of believing you are some sort of deficient human being because it's something you have yet to succeed at? That in itself will prevent someone's luck from turning.

Addle · 26-07-2014 8:00pm

beks101 wrote: »

Yeah, some people have sh1t luck in love for a whole host of reasons or for none at all.

What's the advantage of believing you are some sort of deficient human being because it's something you have yet to succeed at? That in itself will prevent someone's luck from turning.

I'm all for positivity.
But some people have to be realistic.
Maybe positive changes can be made.

rcarroll · 27-07-2014 2:42pm

This thread makes for depressing reading...but I guess it's true - if you're still single mid-30's you'll get judged and people will wonder if you have baggage. Fact is - you do, you admitted you run a mile from elegible guys. Sort that out and the rest should come naturally....if I met someone who had NEVER had a steady relationship by mid-30's I'd wonder if it's cos they can't commit...and if that person went on to admit they run away, there's no chance in hell I'd take the risk of starting a relationship with them.

apieceofcake · 27-07-2014 9:11pm

I am finding this thread a bit depressing, but for a different reason. A lot of people are going on about mid-thirties women having 'baggage', which is insulting, sometimes people just haven't had any luck with meeting someone long-term - that's all it is, luck!!

Not everybody is lucky enough to have met someone in their mid-twenties that they want to be with for the long haul.

I know a good few friends in that situation and they would love to meet somebody, but it not helped by people looking down on single girls in their thirties.

Everyone has a past, but I wouldn't necessarily call it baggage.

I am of the opinion that romance can happen at any stage in life, you just have to be optimistic and smile a lot

lazybones32 · 27-07-2014 9:14pm

There are many young men who are mature beyond their years, so be discerning not dismissive.

As already written, the pub is not a good place to meet someone for a long-term relationship but it seems to be the main fishing-spot in Ireland.

beks101 · 27-07-2014 9:39pm

For context, some of the most immature, selfish, emotionally under-developed and self absorbed people I know are in long-term committed relationships.

Personally, some of my relationships happened at a time when I was messed up in the head and in no position to commit to someone. But I did, as a comfort and as a cover for whatever personal issues I was trying to suppress.

People get in and out of relationships for different reasons, not all of them wholesome and upstanding. One of the big ones of course being those people who simply cannot withstand their own company and stick with a partner who is wholly and completely wrong for them because they wouldn't know how to live without a partner.

Those people have a vast, vast array of baggage above and beyond the many single female friends I know who just haven't met the right guy yet. People who are actively putting themselves out there and just hitting a wall, not meeting the right guys.

Dating is bloody hard enough as it is without being treated like some sort of leper because you've crossed a certain age demographic and haven't settled down yet. Or walked away when something didn't feel right. Are people really that ignorant and narrow-minded?

Mid 30's and never had a long term boyfriend

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