I'm gay.

Ow. My head (still) hurts.

I sat my folks down yesterday and had "that talk" with them. They're dyed-in-the-wool Catholics but they also have been compassionate and supportive in everything I've ever done and they weren't different yesterday. Its going to take time to fully adjust but they both just want me to be happy.

So, to answer some of the points raised here:

1. Why me? I guess because Boards is my home, this is the site I started and if anything has spanned my life and will be considered a "legacy" I guess its boards. I cant tell you how many times I've wanted to rant about something on this forum but didn't. I held back because I was afraid and I don't like that. I don't care for the feeling at all. I'm not someone who typically is scared to strike out on his own but this thing had knocked me into a cocked hat all of my life. It feels good, but also weird and a bit scary to beat it finally. Its a leap of faith I guess.
I like to think of myself as being a guy who will say whats true and use that truth as armour. I love the Captain America quote "Your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the whole world, No, *you* move." But here I was cowering away from this and inventing all sorts of reasons (perfectly plausible reasons) why it was no one elses business or that I was protecting my family etc. But that's not true, I was afraid and for no good reason. I'm not going to be afraid any more.

2. Why now? Because this weekend was the first time in my entire life that I felt proud, not "unashamed", actual pride in who I am and I walked a little taller telling friends in town on Sat night. Watching Panti walk from Dublin Castle to her bar, the route lined with applauding, cheering people was incredible. I told mates in the pub and they made me feel like it was my night. I'm not sure I could have done this on any other night, it took this much to push me over the line.

3. Why? As someone said above, there are things asked of gay men's private life that would get you a slap in the gob if you asked straight people. I shouldn't *HAVE* to come out. No one should. Its no one elses business. Its a weird situation we find ourselves socially in. I'm happy to report that there were NO instances of anyone acting weird around me afterwards.... but then I'm 45, my friends are friends for life. There is a selection bias in that... I wouldn't last two seconds with someone who was prejudiced about anything so there's that.
I wanted to post this publically for two reasons.
A. F*ck fear. I've spent a lot of my life giving the two fingers to fear but here I was utterly afraid of this. Afraid people would see me in a different light, or react differently to me or whatever. Just afraid. And fear eats you from inside so this is my over-reaction to that
B. Seeing GAA players and ministers step up and challenge the stereotypes of the "sit-com limp wristed poodle carrier" helped me come to terms with myself. I didn't want to admit to myself I was gay because I genuinely didn't see a role model that I could identify with. They have helped me and I owe that forwards.


Some more light hearted elements... Male friends seemed to go through a specific set of reactions, at varying speeds but pretty much always the same stages. Surprise. Re-establishment of understanding. Re-establishment of boundaries. Re-evaluation of stereotypes. Settling. Jokes.

So it kinda goes like
Me: "I want to let you know... I'm gay".
"Jesus... are you serious?"
<pause>
"You know I'm not , right?"
<pause>
"You don't fancy me, do you?!"
<pause>
"Wow... I would never have guessed / You don't act gay!"
<pause>
<pause>
<pause>

"Sooo... eh... whats cock taste like?" "FnCK YOU!" "Hahahahahah"

This happens at various speeds with various people. Some skip certain sections or don't voice them, others take a good while to move on. Mostly this WASNT a journey for me, mostly I sat beside friends waiting for them to get to the jokes stage. It was more like sheparding than any great revelation for me. That was kinda surprising but I guess I've had 45 years to deal with it and I've just sprung it on them!

I've also learned that no matter HOW hetro your friend is, no matter HOW womenising and red blooded they are... the answer to the question "you don't fancy me do you?" that they are looking for is emphatically NOT "You???!! Jesus, fnck NO!".
Take it from me


I was watching an Ireland vs Italy football match with a Dutch friend and we were talking about his family who I'm very fond of. I decided to slip it in by saying "well, in this context I'd be pulling on an Italian shirt". We were both watching the screen intently "Oh, hmm, yeah <bad sliding tackling takes out an Irish player> REFEREEEE!??!". I figured maybe he hadn't quite copped my meaning so I asked him. "No, I got it...... <shrug> ... Okay." Back to pints and footie. I thought to myself, this is right... why cant it be like this all the time, for everyone.


In conclusion, I would really like my private life to go back to being my private life, but while there are still people being scared and afraid and hiding who they are like I have done for 45 years, then maybe it needs to be said aloud.
I've never gone to a Pride march. I have had my issues with the whole ostentatious overt extremity of it at times.... This weekend has changed a lot of my views on things and shown me that mass support really matters, role models really matter, reclaiming your identity matters. I look forward to my first pride march next month.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain" - Litany Against Fear.