Why do you want/ not want children?

HotHHead · 19-04-2014 4:04pm #1

Just a follow on from the what age children thread.

I often wonder why some don't want kids? I'm sure they wonder why some want kids!!

You get me, I couldn't imagine my life without children in it and if I were to have had issues concieving, I would have have went a different route to have children, ivf/adopt etc..

I wanted kids because I love kids,I feel for me it was meant to be, I wanted to be a mam, I love being a mam. I want to have loads of grandchildren around me when I'm old. If god forbid something happens to me when I'm older, I'll have that support help from my children hopefully! not a reason but a perk I suppose!

What are your reasons?

meeeeh · 19-04-2014 6:30pm

Who else will look after me when old or at least pay for the retirement home.

sullivlo · 19-04-2014 6:36pm

I hover between wanting and not. It's mostly wanting - I'm ridiculously broody 97% of the time. I want to give someone life, watch them grow, nurture them, see them reach their potential. I'm ridiculously close to my little cousin and there is no better feeling than him telling me he loves me. To have that come from my own flesh and blood would be immense.

But I like sleeping a lot. Hmmm.

ElleEm · 19-04-2014 6:51pm

I am like Sullivlo, in that I often find myself wondering if I will have kids. I always saw myself as a mother. I come from a big family, and just saw my role as being that of a nurturer and minder. I am qualified in social care and spent years working with vulnerable kids, so have always been driven that way. Even as a teen, I thought I would be a surrogate for women who couldn't have kids. I always thought I would have one or two of my own, be a surrogate if possible, then foster kids til I was old and tired. THEN I got diagnosed with MS when I was 27.

HotHHead wrote: »

If god forbid something happens to me when I'm older, I'll have that support help from my children hopefully!

I went from being fiercely independent to having my boyfriend wash my hair and help me up and down the stairs. It really changed my view on inflicting that on a little kid. For a good year or so after diagnosis, I thought I would never have kids as I couldn't put the pressure of looking after me onto them. Then I went into remission and could see that I wouldn't always be limited in my mobility (for the foreseeable future anyway). I absolutely WANT to be a mother, but whether I will be ABLE or not is another thing. I am 31 now, and my boyfriend and I still talk about 'when' we have kids. I hope it does happen, and I hope I am well enough for a long time to be a great mother, but it is a scary prospect when you have fleeting days, weeks and months of not being fully in control of your body.

Chattastrophe! · 19-04-2014 6:54pm

I can totally understand why people wouldn't want kids.

- The financial burden is huge, and very long-term. Even with only one child and with both of us working, we're going to have no disposable income for the next several years (creche fees of over a grand a month is the real killer.) And they don't always stop costing you money when they turn 18.

- The fear of something going wrong during pregnancy (or of course after.) Dealing with a healthy child is hard enough, it must be terrifying to find out your child has serious long-term medical problems ... and you just never know.

- It's one thing in life you can never walk away from. You can quit a job if you fancy a change, you can break up with a partner ... but a child is forever. No going back! It's like jumping off a cliff
... once you decide to go through with the pregnancy, you're committed, there can be no going back.

- You are putting your happiness in the hands of someone else. For an independent person, this can be difficult to accept! One you've had that child, your happiness will forever more be interlinked with theirs.

These were some of the things that I considered when I found out I was pregnant. But for me they were fairly minor concerns, really. I always knew I'd be a mother someday - it was sooner than planned, but better for it to happen sooner than if we'd put it off and if it never happened for us! For a lot of people, it's the one unique brand new thing you can bring to this world. My job (while I enjoy it) isn't important, I'm not going to cure cancer, or win any Nobel prize, or go down in the history books for anything particular. But what I have done is I've created one tiny new unique person with limitless potential, and I have the opportunity to do everything in my power to teach him and help him to reach his full potential.

It's like a little legacy you're leaving behind. And he's changed me, in ways I never expected. Becoming a parent is terrifying and exhausting at times, but it gives you a brand new perspective on life. I'm really glad that I've been lucky enough to experience it. It's certainly going to involve a lot of sacrifice over the years, but he's a million times worth it!

Penny Tration · 19-04-2014 7:46pm

My reasons for not wanting kids are:

I had an awful childhood. Not going into it, but I had to grow up very fast and didn't enjoy being yyoung. I can't get that time back, but I've 'lived' more than a lot of adults have, so i want my adulthood to be about me and what I want to do, without having to consider a child. Selfish, but true.

My mam is disabled. Her disability became severe when I was 10. As a result, my older sister and I had to be the emotional support for our baby sisters as they grew up, and take on somewhat of a mother role. Still doing that, as one of the siblings is still a child. In my mind, I've practically raised two kids. I don't want to do it again.

Lastly - my mental health. It's fine at the moment, nice and stable. But I absolutely, flat out refuse to risk developing post natal depression.

eviltwin · 19-04-2014 8:48pm

I've always wanted children, couldn't imagine not having them in fact if I won the lotto my dream would be to give up work, move to a huge house and foster kids. It's hard work but my kids give me the most joy in my life. It's scary though, the fear of what the future holds for them or something happening to one of them is the worst thing I can imagine. I've made a lot of sacrifices to have them as I started young but I've never regretted it. Even now with a 17 yr old and a 4 yr old I find myself looking at them and thinking 'wow, i made you'. I can completely understand why someone wouldn't want kids, its claustrophobic and completely unrewarding at times but the good stuff more than makes up for it.

Precious flower · 19-04-2014 8:58pm

I'm always going back and forth on the issue too. I think I would like to have children but I guess because my mum is a childminder I've seen the ups and downs that children give you and how much laughter and joy they bring you. I'm used to children, so I'm not naive about what they really entail. They are loveable rogues though, I love when they can recognise you and say your name and become their own person.:)

We've always had babies and I've gotten to watch them grow up and mature, it's an amazing experience. We had one family for ten/eleven years!:eek: There was three of us (Two brothers and I) and four of them so they really did become like a family to us! So I saw them really grow up!

My mum is minding three at the moment all under 3. It's madness but they become like family and you really do get to love them. The oldest we've had since she was a tiny baby and she's soon to be three! It makes you feel old! The other family the eldest is nearly 15 now and we babysat her and her siblings since she was 3 until she was about 13!:eek:

It's surreal but lovely to see them grow up! They are always the little kids in my mind though! I think it was good too as I was the youngest in my own family so it's nice have people younger than you so you experience the older sibling experience!

It's funny I always remember my father saying to me that he thought I'd end up being a primary school teacher because he thought I was very good with children but I think I'm just used to them! So yeah I think I'll have kids if only to have a little person that's part of you wandering aroung the place!:D Changing nappies and screaming babies will be no shock to me anyway, I've seen it all, babies to toddlers to teenagers!:)

Pretzill · 19-04-2014 9:04pm

I never wanted children probably as strongly against having them than some women long for them. I have never regretted my decision. It's not that I dislike children I have beautiful nephews and nieces whom I doted on as little ones - I just don't think I could stand being so in love with something that I'd be worrying about them all my life. And I am happy not having to be responsible either for the economics of raring children or for raising good, balanced people. I also think the world is over populated. Strangely I feel younger for not having them.

But as I age I wouldn't mind adopting a couple of twenty somethings to look after me when I'm elderly

Stheno · 19-04-2014 9:05pm

Never wanted kids, I'm the oldest of ten (20 years between oldest and youngest), plus my parents did a lot of fostering when I was younger, so I spent a huge amount of time as a child/teenager looking after younger kids

I don't like the dependancy children put on you, like someone said earlier, they are there forever.

Also I genuinely do not like small children/babies, I've almost a fear of them

athtrasna · 19-04-2014 9:47pm

First one to post this but the thought of being pregnant turns my stomach. The thought of giving birth likewise. The thought of dependents relying on me, no thanks. I'm 37, love my godson, and my siblings are due babies I will love later in the year. Would I swap my life? No thanks

Dortilolma · 19-04-2014 9:53pm

It's weird really, the thought of not having children fills me with an overwhelming emptiness. Has for as long as I can remember.

ash23 · 19-04-2014 9:59pm

I had a child at 20. Always thought I'd have another but a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with MS so like ellem said, the prospect of landing that on a child is off putting. Plus the older my daughter gets, the less inclined I am to go back to the baby stage.

She's a tween now so I'm enjoying the freedom that comes with having an older child.

Addle · 19-04-2014 10:04pm

I don't want children.
I love babies and have no fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
It's the thought of not being able provide all they deserve that has formed my decision.

Lyra Fangs · 19-04-2014 10:09pm

I have no interest in having kids and my reasons for not wanting them are not limited to those already mentioned in this thread. If someone guaranteed me a healthy child and gave me enough money to easily support them for the rest of my life I still wouldn't want to have them. Even if I was able to continue with my career without too much impedance I still wouldn't have kids. I have never had the urge to create life or to be a mom.

baby and crumble · 19-04-2014 10:16pm

I really flip-flop on this issue. It'd nearly be easier for me if I could just randomly "get pregnant" but as a lesbian that's just not going to happen. We will have to plan everything if we want kids.

And part of me does. I had a dream a while ago that myself and my gf were getting married and we had a little 3 year old girl, who when we were having our first dance broke away from her designated minder and joined us. It was a lovely image.

But the thought of being pregnant makes me feel sick. It seems to me like something growing inside you and feeding on you is just messed up. Plus I identify more on the masculine side of things, so I don't know how I'd cope with suddenly having a very feminine body and function. Perhaps silly, but it's a concern. And yes, my gf could have the children, but there are other issues there. So it's probably me, unless we adopt. Which for us brings a massive set of legal complications.

I also have lots of friends who have young children, and while I enjoy spending time with them, I see how their life is completely consumed with baby things and I shudder at the thought. I want my life to be about me. I'm looking forward to being a very involved godmother and aunt, which is great. But since right now I can't find a job, the thoughts of having to provide for more than just me and my gf (as a team) is terrifying.

That and I lost my Mum 5 years ago. I doubt I'd be half as good a mum as she was, and I don't want to be a ****ty one.

cactuspaw · 19-04-2014 10:19pm

Im still not 100%, but I would say about 80% sure I dont want kids.

I love kids. I've worked as a youth worker, so most of my life has been around them and its lovely to see kids reaching goals and a being happy. However, when that doesn't happen its very very heartbreaking. I don't think I could take that responsibility with my own children.

Jenneke87 · 19-04-2014 11:23pm

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have one of my own, but my body is not able to handle being pregnant, so I know it will never happen. Perhaps I'll foster one, one day. But as far as I'm concerned, the family line stops with me.

beks101 · 20-04-2014 3:57am

I'm another flip-flopper. Sometimes I think, 'of course I'll have kids one day!'. Others it's 'hold on a second...why in the world would I want kids??'

I'm pretty singular minded, which is maybe a diplomatic way of saying selfish. I've no doubt I'd be a great mother if I got pregnant, I always give everything 110% and I've been given the best possible parenting example in my own folks.

But I sort of always knew my twenties would be my twenties, when I traveled, focused on career, figured myself out, did things for me and me alone. I was given a privileged childhood in that both my parents achieved great professional success before settling down, and in my head I guess I'd like to reach that point before I have to be accountable for a whole other human being. I wouldn't want a child of mine to struggle, I'd want them to have a comfortable life - and I'd want to be in the mindset where I'd have done all the things I wanted to do before settling down.

Some people go the opposite way. A friend of mine had her first at 22 and plans to have them reared and shipped off by 50 so she can travel the world. I guess I'm just not that way inclined.

Malari · 20-04-2014 3:26pm

I am in a long-term relationship, am financially stable, we both have family and friends close by who could help with child-minding, but I have never wanted kids. There's no practical reason, I just never felt the urge.

From the very first time I had sex I was terrified and repulsed at the thoughts of being pregnant.

I don't hate kids in general, I'm just mostly indifferent to them. At least one close friend and one relative has kids, but to be honest if I never saw those kids again it wouldn't bother me. It's just not in me :-/ Must be defective in some way ;-)

Lia_lia · 20-04-2014 5:30pm

Don't want kids anytime soon. Reasons: freedom, career, ew pregnancy, clean house (bit of a jokey one!), I think I'm too young, boyfriend is also too young. Mainly freedom though! I like kids and worked in a creche for years. But this also taught me how much is involved.

At the moment I actually can't think of any reason why I *would* want kids.

vitani · 20-04-2014 6:05pm

Pretzill wrote: »

I just don't think I could stand being so in love with something that I'd be worrying about them all my life.

Yeah, having my daughter has made me very vulnerable in a way. Before she was born, I always felt that no matter what happened to me, I'd be able to cope with it. Losing her, though, I think would break me.

athtrasna · 20-04-2014 6:09pm

Malari wrote: »

I am in a long-term relationship, am financially stable, we both have family and friends close by who could help with child-minding, but I have never wanted kids. There's no practical reason, I just never felt the urge.

From the very first time I had sex I was terrified and repulsed at the thoughts of being pregnant.

I don't hate kids in general, I'm just mostly indifferent to them. At least one close friend and one relative has kids, but to be honest if I never saw those kids again it wouldn't bother me. It's just not in me :-/ Must be defective in some way ;-)

Glad it's not just me, I was starting to worry that I was a freak lol

XxMCRxBabyxX · 20-04-2014 6:29pm

I'm still undecided though leaning towards not at the moment. Too much has happened in my life that I would never want to subject my own children too. I am the daughter of two addicts (not drugs but other issues) who both had depression and I myself have both epilepsy and depression. Why would I let a child have a mother like me when I know how tough it can be?

Chattastrophe! · 20-04-2014 7:00pm

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm still undecided though leaning towards not at the moment. Too much has happened in my life that I would never want to subject my own children too. I am the daughter of two addicts (not drugs but other issues) who both had depression and I myself have both epilepsy and depression. Why would I let a child have a mother like me when I know how tough it can be?

You could be the one who breaks the cycle.

From your posts, you come across as a really well-balanced person who is very aware of her issues and who addresses them and handles them very well. An excellent role model!

Give yourself time. I certainly wouldn't rule it out, if I were you! For what it's worth, if you ever decided to be a mother, I think you'd be an amazing one!

Ave Sodalis · 20-04-2014 7:50pm

I'm not broody at all yet, is why I don't see me having kids. When I see a newborn, I would only say it's cute because I'm expected to. Being honest though, I think babies look deformed and are a bit icky until they're at least 1. After that, they take a lot of work. I'm the eldest of a fairly big family (in modern terms) so that probably contributes to it, plus the behaviour problems a sibling of mine has, it put me off. That being said, I can't say what my decision regarding kids will be when I'm heading towards 40 and hormones start kicking in. For now though, I'm happy enough to break the cycle of young mothers within my family.

cjmcork · 20-04-2014 9:18pm

wow, I really thought I was in the minority about not wanting kids - I've never wanted them and for as long as I can remember I've been certain that I won't be having them - I'm sure someone will be offended by this, but all my friends have kids now and I've ZERO interest in little jonny on his bloody trampoline, etc (and faking interest when I have to watch them on it), etc etc..........I'm aware it's cos I'm selfish, but I'm single and really only have to / want to look after myself - I can barely commit to a relationship for any length of time, so I see it as a bit of a service to humanity that I'm adamant about not having kids

Lyra Fangs · 20-04-2014 10:06pm

cjmcork wrote: »

wow, I really thought I was in the minority about not wanting kids - I've never wanted them and for as long as I can remember I've been certain that I won't be having them - I'm sure someone will be offended by this, but all my friends have kids now and I've ZERO interest in little jonny on his bloody trampoline, etc (and faking interest when I have to watch them on it), etc etc..........I'm aware it's cos I'm selfish, but I'm single and really only have to / want to look after myself - I can barely commit to a relationship for any length of time, so I see it as a bit of a service to humanity that I'm adamant about not having kids

It's nice to see so many on this thread echoing my own thoughts. In saying that, I don't think you're selfish for not wanting kids or not having an interest in another persons kids. Just because there seems to be this natural tendency towards settling down and having kids doesn't mean there's something wrong with people who deviate from that formula

HotHHead · 20-04-2014 11:21pm

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm still undecided though leaning towards not at the moment. Too much has happened in my life that I would never want to subject my own children too. I am the daughter of two addicts (not drugs but other issues) who both had depression and I myself have both epilepsy and depression. Why would I let a child have a mother like me when I know how tough it can be?

Sure you dont know what sort of mam your going to be till you are one. I presume you wouldn't want your child to have the same upbringing as you did so you would do it differently. Some times having a child is the making of you if you get me.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 21-04-2014 2:48am

HotHHead wrote: »

Sure you dont know what sort of mam your going to be till you are one. I presume you wouldn't want your child to have the same upbringing as you did so you would do it differently. Some times having a child is the making of you if you get me.

You're right, I don't know, but that also means that I don't know if I'll be a bad mother and I don't know if I'm willing to take that risk. My mother isn't a bad mother but she did suffer from issues that got in the way of her parenting for a while. Considering that I'm already (trying to) deal with so much, I can't guarantee that the same won't happen with me.

I appreciate the kind comments and I totally understand your reasoning but right now this is how I feel. It's about balancing probabilities for me and I'm just not sure that they'd lean in my favour.

username123 · 21-04-2014 9:46am

A number of reasons I don't want to really.

Bad childhood, very very difficult period of years with my own parents later on when I was in my 20s too. Wouldn't like the responsibility.

Never interested in kids, don't get that 'aw' feeling when I see a baby, just feel a bit awkward that I'm supposed to be having some reaction that I don't seem to be having.

Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.

When I pass people with kids in shops or parks or whatever all I ever seem to see are howling red faced bawling children and I just think nope. I'm often surprised at how bold people allow their children to be in public.

I think I just wouldn't be able for it, I'd resent a child, I'd resent not being me anymore. I'd resent always having to put this other person first. I like peace and quiet.

Penny Tration · 21-04-2014 9:53am

There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

meeeeh · 21-04-2014 9:59am

username123 wrote: »

Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.

I presume you don't spend as much time around your friends with kids as you did before. It's easy to make assumptions then.

chinacup · 21-04-2014 10:00am

Wouldnt trust myself to be a good parent at least not at this age, I'm still v young but parenting is a full time job your either in it for the long haul or you be a half parent. I see it as a serious role almost like a career path. And you don't necessarily become a good parent if you have paternal/maternal urges. Nothing irritates me like seeing a bad parent!

Addle · 21-04-2014 10:12am

green_screen wrote: »

There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

I feel the same.
I'm good with them too.
Still don't want my own.

meeeeh · 21-04-2014 10:24am

green_screen wrote: »

There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.

Malari · 21-04-2014 10:32am

meeeeh wrote: »

I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.

Personally I prefer the term "childfree"; it implies an element of choice in the condition. ;-)

meeeeh · 21-04-2014 10:39am

Malari wrote: »

Personally I prefer the term "childfree"; it implies an element of choice in the condition. ;-)

I did not mean to make assumptions. I think it is pretty clear that English is not my first language.

eviltwin · 21-04-2014 10:49am

username123 wrote: »

Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.

Or maybe their priorities change. I don't have the time, money or desire to be the polished person I could be and probably would be if I didn't have kids. I find this is the hardest thing to get across to people I know who don't have children. They see being with the kids as a form of drudgery. They think I'm boring. They can't understand why I'd rather stay in on a Saturday night with my family than be out tearing up the dancefloor. There are times when being a parent can really suck and I find myself wishing I could send them off somewhere but I only have to look at my best friend who is unable to have the family she is desperate for and who at this stage probably never will and I realise how lucky I am.

Malari · 21-04-2014 10:50am

meeeeh wrote: »

I did not mean to make assumptions. I think it is pretty clear that English is not my first language.

Actually I didn't pick that up from your posts, so I guess we can all make assumptions, eh?

Anyway, it was just a light-hearted comment, which is why I put a "wink" after it.

panda100 · 21-04-2014 11:32am

Stheno wrote: »

Also I genuinely do not like small children/babies, I've almost a fear of them

cjmcork wrote: »

I've been certain that I won't be having them - I'm sure someone will be offended by this, but all my friends have kids now and I've ZERO interest in little jonny on his bloody trampoline, etc (and faking interest when I have to watch them on it), etc etc..........

username123 wrote: »

Never interested in kids, don't get that 'aw' feeling when I see a baby, just feel a bit awkward that I'm supposed to be having some reaction that I don't seem to be having.

Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.
/QUOTE]

+1 to all the above.

My desire not to have children has grown and grown since I've gotten older, despite everyone telling me otherwise. I find it a total stress when asked to look after my nieces and nephews. Its lovely for a small while, and that's about it. As cjmcork says its about feigning interest after a while. I sometimes feel like I'm a bit of an anomaly for feeling this way but obviously am not alone from reading this thread.

meeeeh · 21-04-2014 11:47am

eviltwin wrote: »

Or maybe their priorities change. I don't have the time, money or desire to be the polished person I could be and probably would be if I didn't have kids. I find this is the hardest thing to get across to people I know who don't have children. They see being with the kids as a form of drudgery. They think I'm boring. They can't understand why I'd rather stay in on a Saturday night with my family than be out tearing up the dancefloor. There are times when being a parent can really suck and I find myself wishing I could send them off somewhere but I only have to look at my best friend who is unable to have the family she is desperate for and who at this stage probably never will and I realise how lucky I am.

I think some of us are lucky that we have what we wished, especially if we didn't need to compromise in finding a partner that wants the same.

I don't think kids should be a crutch to lean on but I remember a year or a bit more ago when things were very stressful at work and how I could come home and switch off because the two little demons just made me deal with them and forget work stuff. Children definitely make life busier but also a bit fuller and less one dimensional.

username123 · 21-04-2014 12:24pm

meeeeh wrote: »

I presume you don't spend as much time around your friends with kids as you did before. It's easy to make assumptions then.

Best not to presume

Its simply an observation based on what I can see around me. I see parents who have a lot more stress in their lives, who look worn out, who constantly complain that they dont have enough sleep, money, support, who dont seem to have any time for anything positive like the gym or a weekend away etc... People who seemed like happy people with plenty of interests before they had children who just seem generally unhappy since they had children. As I said, its not everyone, but its there often enough for me to find off putting.

I disagree that its just about changed priorities. My own priorities have also changed simply because Im no longer young with no financial responsibilities and lots of disposable income. I far prefer to sit in and be comfy on a Saturday night! Ive absolutely no interest in tearing up any dance floor! Getting older happens to us all, kids or not.

eviltwin · 21-04-2014 12:38pm

username123 wrote: »

Best not to presume

Its simply an observation based on what I can see around me. I see parents who have a lot more stress in their lives, who look worn out, who constantly complain that they dont have enough sleep, money, support, who dont seem to have any time for anything positive like the gym or a weekend away etc... People who seemed like happy people with plenty of interests before they had children who just seem generally unhappy since they had children. As I said, its not everyone, but its there often enough for me to find off putting.

I disagree that its just about changed priorities. My own priorities have also changed simply because Im no longer young with no financial responsibilities and lots of disposable income. I far prefer to sit in and be comfy on a Saturday night! Ive absolutely no interest in tearing up any dance floor! Getting older happens to us all, kids or not.

I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like lack of support, unrealistic expectations etc.

I don't doubt some people feel worse off with kids but most parents are very happy despite the negatives.

When you decide to have a child you have to accept some things will take a back seat. You can't have it all but the gains are worth it for the most part. I don't get to do half as much as my childfree friends but having children has opened up new interests for me that I wouldn't have otherwise known. I don't spend much money on myself but I get more joy out of using a spare 50 quid to take the kids to the zoo than I would spending it on clothes or a handbag.

That's not to say its all sunshine and rainbows but its not forever. The early years can feel like hell sometimes but they don't stay in that baby/toddler stage for long.

username123 · 21-04-2014 12:57pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like lack of support, unrealistic expectations etc.

Yes, this could definitely be true. And presumably its a temporary situation too as kids arent kids forever.

Just as an example, I was at a 40th birthday on Saturday night. Two of the couples there have both had a child each around the same time about a year ago. Couple A looked great, were in great form, expecting another and full of normal chat - also seemed very much in love themselves. Couple B both looked worn out, were in terrible form, couldnt believe that Couple A were going to have another so soon and their chat was really a litany of complaints of how hard their lives are now and they seemed disconnected from each other, snappy at each other.

I look at Couple A and think - thats how it should be.
I look at Couple B and think - Nope.

Unfortunately I see more Couple B's than A's.

I wonder if modern society has an impact on this. Couples where both HAVE to work full time to pay the mortgage, where there is less support because the grandparents live in different counties etc....

Addle · 21-04-2014 1:13pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like... unrealistic expectations...

Among people I know, there's a lot of this.

Addle · 21-04-2014 1:19pm

meeeeh wrote: »

I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.

If friends can't be happy, or have time, for each other and their lives and interests, it doesn't say much for their friendship.

I don't have or want children. Among the people I hang out with, I'm the only one without kids.
I love my friends kids, and my nieces and nephews.
But I love saying good bye to them too!

XxMCRxBabyxX · 21-04-2014 1:25pm

green_screen wrote: »

There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

I'm the same too. Kids are great - as long as they're someone else's! :-)

Addle · 21-04-2014 1:32pm

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm the same too. Kids are great - as long as they're someone else's! :-)

Plus they'll pay the taxes that will pay our pensions, hopefully!

meeeeh · 21-04-2014 1:34pm

username123 wrote: »

Yes, this could definitely be true. And presumably its a temporary situation too as kids arent kids forever.

Just as an example, I was at a 40th birthday on Saturday night. Two of the couples there have both had a child each around the same time about a year ago. Couple A looked great, were in great form, expecting another and full of normal chat - also seemed very much in love themselves. Couple B both looked worn out, were in terrible form, couldnt believe that Couple A were going to have another so soon and their chat was really a litany of complaints of how hard their lives are now and they seemed disconnected from each other, snappy at each other.

I look at Couple A and think - thats how it should be.
I look at Couple B and think - Nope.

Unfortunately I see more Couple B's than A's.

I wonder if modern society has an impact on this. Couples where both HAVE to work full time to pay the mortgage, where there is less support because the grandparents live in different counties etc....

But life is never as it should be. Either of the couples could be even more miserable if they couldn't have kids or they could think their lives are not going anywhere. I find that most of my friends who don't have kids need very challenging work not to feel bored. Most of them are clocking approx 60 hour working weeks.

The life of leasure and no responsibility is not for everyone either.

Hollister11 · 21-04-2014 1:44pm

I'm 18 I don't have any kids let but I hope I have my first in the next 6-8 years.

Why do you want/ not want children?

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