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Girlfriend travelling to meet her ex

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Comments

  • #52
    IvoryTower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,825 ✭✭✭IvoryTower


    im pretty sure you dont get to decide when that happens


  • #53
    P. Breathnach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    CaraMay wrote: »
    There is no point forcing her to cancel as the intention / desire to stay with him is still there.
    There is the possibility that the girlfriend is being quite honest, and that her feelings in relation to the ex are now platonic. But he is to recent an ex, and the relationship with OP is too new, for her proposed trip to be a good idea, no matter how convinced she is that she is committed to, and loyal to, OP.

    At best, it sends a bad signal about her priorities. At worst, it might be that she is still emotionally drawn to the ex, and has hopes of re-kindling something. In between the extremes, there is the risk that she and the ex might get carried away in the moment, and something that started with good intentions ends up in the wrong way.

    OP, you have no right to stop her going. But neither has she the right to expect you to be there when she comes back. Were I in your position, I think that I would already be gone.


  • #54
    larrymiller
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,456 ✭✭✭larrymiller


    IvoryTower wrote: »
    im pretty sure you dont get to decide when that happens

    No but ya could work out when and send her off that weekend ;)


  • #55
    buried
    Registered Users Posts: 9,841 ✭✭✭buried


    Your dead right to be upset, but if it was me OP, I'd be asking her why she wants to wait until Christmas, when she can head off right now and then say goodluck to the dodgy disrespectful twit. This article is literally an emotional bully. "I'm Staying with him" ? Don't tolerate this nonsense, your lucky your still pretty much early days in this 'relationship' because If you stick and tolerate this bag of trouble your doomed. Let it off, and unlike that guy over in England, make sure it doesn't ever try to come back.

    "You have disgraced yourselves again" - W. B. Yeats



  • #56
    berrygood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭berrygood


    indigo twist wrote: »
    Similarly I'd have no problem with my boyfriend staying overnight with any of his female friends (whether they were exes or not) so long as I was sure that there were no unresolved feelings on either side.

    This is the problem. The OP's girlfriend doesn't appear to have ever taken time to get over the old relationship, not if they've been in touch constantly. The level of contact is excessive - my friends and I wouldn't text that much. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. OP explain to her how it's making you feel and if she still insists on going, then I'd be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks so little about my feelings.


  • #57
    Floppybits
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,736 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    I don't think you should even give her the choice of its me or the ex. I think you should sit her down and break up with her and tell her that you don't think she is over the ex and for that reason you don't think the relationship can continue and just leave it at that. It is very selfish behaviour on her part to expect you to think it is ok for her to go over and spend a weekend with her ex.


  • #58
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact! They are essentially carrying out a long distance relationship while you keep the gutters clear until their big Christmas riding marathon when she goes over and stays with him. Ridiculous.


  • #59
    Beaner1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 819 ✭✭✭Beaner1


    suicide_circus wrote: »
    This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact! They are essentially carrying out a long distance relationship while you keep the gutters clear until their big Christmas riding marathon when she goes over and stays with him. Ridiculous.

    Beautifully put.


  • #60
    Linoge
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,790 ✭✭✭Linoge


    Why is she going over to him and not him coming over to her? A bit convenient that that situation means you won't even be in the same country, that she wouldn't be coming home to sleep with you at night. Also, that way you won't get a chance to meet him or see how they interact (ie. flirt) with each other.

    I think you would sound extremely reasonable to say, of course she can see her "friend", just he has to come here to visit her.


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  • #61
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    fupply_gssalan wrote: »
    Speaking as someone who ended up sleeping with their ex when they returned for a few weeks, I can say that emotions and feelings will return for both parties involved.

    Is there not a danger in extrapolating one single personal anecdote, into a rule about all such cases?

    OP - to me it sounds like she has been entirely open and transparent about all aspects of her now friendship with him. It really is up to you - not anyone here - to decide if this has won your trust - or not.

    But those simply declaring outright that they somehow know these two are going to end up sexual are simply pulling this out of the air.
    larrymiller wrote: »
    Make sure it's her time of the month when she goes

    I honestly have no idea what this is meant to mean or what relevance you think it has on anything.
    suicide_circus wrote: »
    This guy is not her ex. They have never broken contact!

    I was not aware that contact - or lack of it - was the defining attribute of whether you are in a relationship with someone or not.


  • #62
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    I think it's a fairly simple dilemma.

    This makes you uncomfortable - does it make you so uncomfortable, that it would be preferable to not go out with her at all?
    Also she knows it makes you uncomfortable - what is more important to her - your comfort or her exes friendship. Does her answer change how you feel?You can't tell her who to be friends with and who not to be, and even if you could you shouldn't! But you can decide to opt in or opt out of the whole situation. It's entirely up to you at the end of the day.

    Edit: also be aware that if you force someone to choose, they may well choose the other person - if that happens you have to accept it as their choice and move on.


  • #63
    B.A._Baracus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,206 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Op, I can only say this bluntly...
    But don't be a mug. I say that as a person who was a BIG mug in the past. Like read things for what they are here. Your girlfriend is going over to see her ex days after Christmas. There are alarm bells and then there are air-raid sirens.

    End the relationship asap. She may give you the guilt trip... the usual "why dont you trust me!!!?" but that is just smoke screen lies.


  • #64
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    B.A._Baracus wrote: »
    End the relationship asap. She may give you the guilt trip... the usual "why dont you trust me!!!?" but that is just smoke screen lies.

    To which you can answer this isnt about trust it is about respect.

    It doesnt say much for your relationship that she is disappearing off to see an ex straight after christmas and doesnt bother her A*se to consider how you may or may not feel about her actions. She knows you feel uncomfy with it and yet is going anyhow.

    I am sure if you were off to see an ex she'd have a different outlook!

    Let her off to see her ex but let her off permanently


  • #65
    Playboy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,923 ✭✭✭Playboy


    I'm best friends with my ex. it took my wife a while to get used to the idea but now they are great friends too. Once it ended we never even thought about messing around. I'm not saying that your situation is the same but it can work out.


  • #66
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,177 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    Playboy wrote: »
    I'm best friends with my ex. it took my wife a while to get used to the idea but now they are great friends too. Once it ended we never even thought about messing around. I'm not saying that your situation is the same but it can work out.

    How soon after that relationship did you get with your now wife?

    Also, were you hanging out with the ex as a friend from day 1? I can't see that happening, either the dynamic during the relationship was completely f*cked or you took a break from each other after and gave some space, no? or am I wrong?


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  • #67
    IvoryTower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,825 ✭✭✭IvoryTower


    I think 5 pages of pretty much the same replies over and over should suffice for the op


  • #68
    madmac187
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 662 ✭✭✭madmac187


    Man no offence, I think shes looking for a job over there to be with him. If they finished because he left I guarantee they are getting together. Been there myself and shes just lying to you. I guarantee it. He will fill her up like the guy from the statoil advert.

    Im sorry but that's whats going to happen accept it. **** her off. She has no respect for you. Did a relationship like that for 18 months in Australia, she turned out to be just a terrible narcissistic person and didn't care about anyone else. She was diagnosed with a boarderline personality later on. It added up.


  • #69
    Idbatterim
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,853 ✭✭✭✭Idbatterim


    they may have the best of intentions and one or both may have no intentions of doing anything, but wait till the alcohol starts flowing!


  • #70
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »
    You know, I used to be one of those people that would subscribe to the notion that you shouldn't tell your partner what to do in relation to their ex.

    I wanted to be all open minded and everything.


    Then I was made a fool of. An absolute fool.

    Now I realize that if a boyfriend/girlfriend has any respect for you or the relationship then they won't act inappropriately with an ex.
    An ex isn't a friend, they are an ex. I have no sexual desire towards any of my exes and they are all fairly nice people that were my best friends at one stage but now they are exes and i treat them as such because that's the right thing to do to build healthy future/current romantic relationships.


    I wish my OH was like you :( Mine is travelling home (to a different country) for Christmas and I asked her not to see her ex when she is there and she more or less said, "I can't promise you that" - wtf? :(


  • #71
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    I think it's a fairly simple dilemma.

    This makes you uncomfortable - does it make you so uncomfortable, that it would be preferable to not go out with her at all?
    Also she knows it makes you uncomfortable - what is more important to her - your comfort or her exes friendship. Does her answer change how you feel?You can't tell her who to be friends with and who not to be, and even if you could you shouldn't! But you can decide to opt in or opt out of the whole situation. It's entirely up to you at the end of the day.

    Edit: also be aware that if you force someone to choose, they may well choose the other person - if that happens you have to accept it as their choice and move on.


    Mmmm this so much. My Dad always reminds us of that - don't give ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow through on them! For me there is also an issue with forcing someone to respect you. You shouldn't have to. They should respect you of their own volition.


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  • #72
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Absolutely. In fact if you have to force it, it isn't genuine regardless of the reason why.


  • #73
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    MJ23 wrote: »
    Ask her what she'd think if it was the other way around.


    That doesn't really work. I tried that with mine and I got, "well she is a friend fo the family and we go way back" - as if she has built up fúcking loyalty points or something. The unreasonable person will find a way to differentiate anything you do in order to be angry with you over your behaviour while maintaining justification of their own.

    ...I am going for a carte blanche when she fúcks off home for Christmas though. :D


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