girlfriend keeps contact with ex

giggle84 · 21-04-2015 3:56pm

Just on the snapchat thing.. I send photos to people on snapchat who I rarely text, to me it's a much more informal way of keeping in touch. Maybe she sees it the same way.

strobe · 21-04-2015 5:27pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

Okay let's say I do bring it up. Worst case scenario she gives a vague response, what to I say back? There's no record of what they said so she can pretty much tell me anything. I do trust her and this is as I said a very unlikely worst case scenario, I just want to be able to respond in a way that'll put this niggling issue to bed once and for all.

Well ultimately that's a you thing, not a her thing. Trust isn't just something that exists, it's something you do. It's a choice you make, for some people a quite conscious one, for others more as a background process, but a choice all the same.

It's saying to yourself "I don't know, in reality I can never actually know, not unless I plan to be in the same physical location with this person 24/7/365. But this person, they're it for me, I just heart the God damn fvck out of them, and their happiness is the aim of my game. So, I'm going to take this risk. I'm going the roll the dice and hope for the best. I'm going to operate under the ongoing assumption that they feel about me, the same way I feel about them, and therfore aren't going to do anything that could hurt me. I'm going to file it off as an axiom. Because that's the only possible way this thing can go the distance. It's a risk, but the rewards outweigh that risk."

And that's what you have to do. Make that choice. It's not easy. Not everyone can manage it. It's not meant to be. If it was it wouldn't have the value that it does. But there's no getting around it. It has to be done. That's how you know they're really the one for you. You're willing to make that choice. If you're not willing to make it for her, maybe she's not the one.

And sure fvck it, even if you're wrong, no one died, you haven't lost any limbs, the world's still spinning on its access and the sun will still break the horizon in the morning. Least you gave it a bash. Takes balls.

nc19 · 21-04-2015 9:00pm

sam34 wrote:

Op, she can be friends with this guy if she wants. Plenty of people stay in contact with exes. You either trust her or you don't. If you do, there's no problem. If you don't, why are you with her?

He can trust her all he wants but he won't know if the trust is misplaced til it's too late

DukeOfTheSharp · 21-04-2015 10:37pm

Just bring it up in a non-accusatory way, a few people have mentioned how to do it. But honestly, and I know this sounds harsh, she has to cut the chord. She's either with you or not, given that the chap was an absolute tool towards her. There's no reason to talk to him, there's no reason why if you have concerns she can't just stop. I can't imagine anyone in a relationship feels good about someone else keeping in contact with an ex under the best of circumstances. On top of that, she said that she was - albeit wrongfully - comparing you to him? Hell no. You don't say that to someone - and then apologise- and continue to do the same thing. She needs to grow up, that's not only unfair, it's insulting and even more unsettling.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 11:04pm

There seems to be a bit of a split of opinions on this so far

pookie82 · 22-04-2015 3:17pm

One thing I notice a lot on these boards...

When someone breaks up with someone, they're 100% advised to cut contact. An ex is an ex for a reason, you won't move on if you guys are still in touch, cut the chord and get on with life, etc. etc. is the general advice doled out (and I agree wholeheartedly with that).

It's doled out even more if the ex in question has been hurtful/cheating/manipulative/damaging to their self esteem.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suspect he was all or at least a few of those things (given both his misdemeanors involved other women, AND he managed to hold on to her after the first). Let's assume she has, shall we say, fallen for his bs in the past. It's not a great sign that she's still conversing regularly with someone who had the power to manipulate her like that.

Yet if someone comes on with doubts about their partner being in touch with an ex (and in this case, a recent one) a lot of people will come to the fore defending their right to great mates with them and it's really none of your business.

I'm wondering where this disconnect stems from. Generally in the real world, it rarely works that you can be best buddies with an ex and talk daily and never feel anything for them you shouldn't again, UNLESS they're a distant ex and the time since the break up has healed old feelings/wounds. It'd be lovely if that WAS a common occurrence, but let's face it, it isn't.

So I think you have a right to gently probe this OP and see what's behind it.

Moonves · 22-04-2015 6:33pm

sam34 wrote: »

I'm always suspicious of people who, when in a relatively new relationship, start making issues about who their bf/gf is friends with or in contact with. It smacks of insecurity and controlling ways. Anyone who tried it with me got their P45 fairly sharpish.

Op, she can be friends with this guy if she wants. Plenty of people stay in contact with exes. You either trust her or you don't. If you do, there's no problem. If you don't, why are you with her?

Plenty of people have sex with their ex partners so it's wise to keep an open mind that they could be exchanging bodily fluids.

Hiroshima twinky · 22-04-2015 6:51pm

Moonves wrote:

Plenty of people have sex with their ex partners so it's wise to keep an open mind that they could be exchanging bodily fluids.

I know for a fact that this isn't the case. She hasn't seen him since they broke up and he lives about 40 minutes away and she doesn't drive. And I can't imagine she would ever do that to me, especially after being on the other end of it

FouxDaFaFa · 23-04-2015 1:07am

Fwiw, I'm pretty sure you don't choose your "best friend" on snapchat, it's just an automatic thing based on who you've been interacting with recently or frequently.

23-04-2015 1:45pm

FouxDaFaFa wrote: »

Fwiw, I'm pretty sure you don't choose your "best friend" on snapchat, it's just an automatic thing based on who you've been interacting with recently or frequently.

I can confirm this. My first and only involvement in Snapchat texts led the person I was messaging to become my "best friend", despite my never actually assigning them as such.

Hiroshima twinky · 23-04-2015 4:28pm

I'm Aware that snapchat determines who your 'best friends' are based on recent interactions. thats where my concern mainly stems from

gsi300024v · 24-04-2015 4:19pm

Any thoughts on why your gf who was cheated on etc still wants to be friendly with this ex? Does she go for people usually who treat her ****ty and put up with it, are you to nice for her?

Hiroshima twinky · 24-04-2015 4:32pm

gsi300024v wrote:

Any thoughts on why your gf who was cheated on etc still wants to be friendly with this ex? Does she go for people usually who treat her ****ty and put up with it, are you to nice for her?

I don't mean to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet but I am very nice to her. A couple of her friends have said to me that they've not seen her this happy in s long while. One of which tried to get her to break up with her ex for ages before she actually did. She herself even told me that I take her to much more places and actually do stuff she never got to do with him. So I don't think it's thing that she has a thing for ass holes or anything or that I've anything major to worry about.

gsi300024v · 24-04-2015 4:34pm

She may like being treated well, but does she think she deserves it, why did she put up with the stuff with ex and then stay friends with him, maybe ask her that.

Hiroshima twinky · 24-04-2015 4:50pm

gsi300024v wrote:

She may like being treated well, but does she think she deserves it, why did she put up with the stuff with ex and then stay friends with him, maybe ask her that.

Of course she likes being treated well. I don't really think to say she's 'friends' with him still is an accurate term to use. She's been quite resentful whenever she does speak about him, and I don't feel it's my place to question what was going on her head back then or then decisions she's made in the past.

gsi300024v · 24-04-2015 4:52pm

I'd not say you were questioning it, just wondering why she did put up with. Not in a judgy way, more an interested way.
Everyone says they like being treated well but sometimes there actions suggest otherwise.

Hiroshima twinky · 24-04-2015 5:00pm

gsi300024v wrote:

I'd not say you were questioning it, just wondering why she did put up with. Not in a judgy way, more an interested way. Everyone says they like being treated well but sometimes there actions suggest otherwise.

It would probably be a bit too sensitive to ask about if I'm being honest. Don't want to open up old wounds

gsi300024v · 24-04-2015 5:04pm

True, you ain't going out that long, maybe something you can approach sometime if she mentions him.
I'm terrible for pointing out things that maybe people are happily unaware of, so maybe best you don't bring up.
But for sure bring up if you ain't happy, it's more that it makes you feel uncomfortable, not nessccariyl that she is doing something wrong, just something you need to talk over, I've become a big fan of talking stuff over sooner rather than later, easier to deal with things when they small issue rather than wait until it's a big issue.
Don't worry about being perfect at bringing it up, no ones perfect.

Hiroshima twinky · 24-04-2015 5:17pm

gsi300024v wrote:

True, you ain't going out that long, maybe something you can approach sometime if she mentions him. I'm terrible for pointing out things that maybe people are happily unaware of, so maybe best you don't bring up. But for sure bring up if you ain't happy, it's more that it makes you feel uncomfortable, not nessccariyl that she is doing something wrong, just something you need to talk over, I've become a big fan of talking stuff over sooner rather than later, easier to deal with things when they small issue rather than wait until it's a big issue. Don't worry about being perfect at bringing it up, no ones perfect.

Solid advice. Sort of sums up what I've taken from what everyone's been saying on here. Just wait it out for a while and enjoy things as they are without complicating it and if it still bothers me later on I should bring it up.

shaymus27 · 24-04-2015 11:37pm

Don't take any notice of people telling you that you are insecure. You are not.

I would be baffled as to why a g/f was keeping in touch with someone who treated her badly.

Some women can't help liking the bad boys, I hope that's not the case with your g/f.

A lot of people say it's ok to be friends with your ex, but it also happens that a lot of exes are always sniffing around waiting for their ex to be vulnerable and needing a shoulder to cry on and end up taking advantage.

It might be that your ex is the sort to still see some good in people, even those who mistreat them so isn't as black and white about cutting full contact.

When she compared you to him she might have meant she was suspicious of you for a while after what happened to her and was just trying to see if you would be the sort to do something similar. This would be understandable.

You seem to be good for your g/f and she has a responsibility to be good for you.

When you are young these things are normal but you are entitled to feel re-assured if you feel you need it. You're not doing anything that she needs re-assurance on. Things usually work themselves out and worries that were there in the beginning disappear.

Hiroshima twinky · 25-04-2015 12:44am

shaymus27 wrote:

When you are young these things are normal but you are entitled to feel re-assured if you feel you need it. You're not doing anything that she needs re-assurance on. Things usually work themselves out and worries that were there in the beginning disappear.

That's generally been how these past few days have gone. I don't feel I NEED to be re assured as much as I did when I first posted this and I've not said it to her when she came over the other day, we just enjoyed each others company as usual and I didn't want to bring about any bad feelings or memories for her so I decided to leave it until it crops up again (hopefully it won't)

Hiroshima twinky · 26-04-2015 11:39am

He's still in her top friends and when I was with her yesterday I seen that she had opened but not replied to a snap from him. Again I doubt it's anything sinister but I didn't manage to bring up that it bothers me still. Should I continue to wait and hope it'll just go away or should I just say something to her now?

zeffabelli · 26-04-2015 12:10pm

Something like this is so hard to assess.

Sometimes you can have a space of neutrality with an ex. And sometimes its unfinished business. It could even be residual guilt over something, so they feel obliged to respond. So hard to know. The parties themselves might not know.

In electronic communications there can be an addictive element, little dopamine shots, one cannot know if its the ex they are drawn to, or the electronic dopamine shots.

In Victorian times there was a notion of "criminal conversation." We would know this today as 'emotional adultery" or sex talk.

gsi300024v · 26-04-2015 1:20pm

Sometimes ignoring something makes it more of an issue that dealing with it.

Hiroshima twinky · 26-04-2015 3:19pm

I've been meaning to bring it up, but everything we get talking there's always that same good vibe and I just don't want to kill the connection between us over something stupid that I'm over thinking about. Is there anyway I could bring it up without things getting too serious or intense?

LegacyUser · 26-04-2015 7:27pm

I had a similar situation a few weeks back.

My lovely GF or months was laying in the bed alongside me about 5;55am I awoke after feeling some movement in the bed.

She was turned out the the side of the bed using her phone. It didn't bother me but I was a awake for some time and she was using the phone, typing something on it.

She thought I was asleep obviously I wasn't..

I then got up out of bed and she said "your awake, I was just setting the time on my phone"

I played it off like it was nothing, went downstairs and had a smoke and thought about addressing this with her there and then.

1st who was she replying to or sending a txt to a half 5 in the f'n morning!?
2nd She doesn't use social media or internet on her phone period, doesn't appeal to her. (Doesn't even have a pc or laptop at home)
3rd As she doesn't use any apps or internet related content on her phone then she' only using it for calls and texts, right!

She immediately responded to me that she was setting or checking the time when I hopped out of bed"I pretended I didn't notice"

I was lying in bed awake a good 10 mins along side her and she was definitely txting or writing something on her phone

Anyways I thought about it for 5-10 over a smoke before coming back to bed, and I decided I wouldn't call her on it!

Reason being.. Its her life she can do whatever the hell she wants with respect.

From a previous long term relationship I found myself prodding and nosing around about guys my ex girlfriend had been hanging around with or having a sneaky look at her phone from time to time.

Basically I became jealous and paranoid in my previous relationship and I resented myself for being overly involved with who my ex was with.

Now I'm still in touch with the ex from time to time (different country) just to say He your still there anyway!! I met her a year after the break up and I confessed to her that I was miserable with jealousy and paranoia towards the end, so that was grand anyway...

Back to my girlfriend. I said to myself before going back to bed " this isn't going to last forever, get back there and enjoy her company you dick"

Like I could have looked though her phone that morning while she showered-- It took every ounce of me not to bother looking, as I would have fed my jealousy and paranoia by doing this in a previous relationship.

The bottom line is seek and you shall find, but do you really wanna be looking in that direction??

Let her txt whomever she wants; shes with you anyways right?

And if you ever do find out that there is an avenue or communication between these too that isn't entirely friendly i.e. you basically think there riding each again.

What I would do is start snap chatting one of her friends for the craic (they seem to think you a nice guy so your off to a flyer there!)

and then eventually sleep with one of them; she how she likes that in her snapchat!!!

btw Not suggesting you do that but it would be pretty awesome!

Like I was total dick to my ex but she knows I have a good side to- so we occasionally (every 2-months) drop a line to each other.

strobe · 27-04-2015 12:05am

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

I've been meaning to bring it up, but everything we get talking there's always that same good vibe and I just don't want to kill the connection between us over something stupid that I'm over thinking about. Is there anyway I could bring it up without things getting too serious or intense?

You just say it. "Liz, I was just wondering, how come you're still on friendly terms with John, after him cheating on you and all that stuff?"

That's it. It's out there.

LadyAthame · 27-04-2015 1:10am

I think it's understandable to sensitive about exes.

Talk about it not in a demanding way but just because you need reassurance. She should understand that you might be a little insecure about it that's ok and you can talk it out.

Hiroshima twinky · 06-05-2015 12:44am

For anyone that still cares, I said it to her and she explained everything about they're break up and how she was in love with he idea of hin rather than him as a person and was torn about giving it one more shot or moving on until we meet, and even questioned herself as to why she stayed with him last summer for so long, something I wouldn't even have dared to bring up considering how difficult it must have been.
She then went on to say that she wouldn't keep contact with him if it bothered me.
In short id just like to thank everyone here who offered their advice

shaymus27 · 06-05-2015 1:07am

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

njop

was torn about giving it one more shot or moving on until we met,

even questioned herself as to why she stayed with him last summer for so long,

She then went on to say that she wouldn't keep contact with him if it bothered me.

Hi Op,

Enjoy your relationship with your g/f. To be crude, have as much sex as you can and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

I think you are too nice for this girl.

The fact she was torn about giving it another shot until you met her worries me. Why would she want to give it another shot?

If she questioned why she went out with him for so long why was she still keeping in contact with him?

I don't like she won't keep in contact with him if it bothers you. I would think she wouldn't keep in contact with him because it should bother her to keep in contact with someone who didn't treat her well.

Also, I despise this "if it bothers you". I can't stand when women come out with this manure. It suggests she is only doing it because you are being in some way unreasonable. As if her continuing to keep in contact with someone who treated her badly and yet she was torn about getting back with him and kept in contact with him even after meeting you isn't unreasonable. I really think your girl is taking the you know what.

I don't want to negatively affect your relationship with what I write but I think your girlfriend is in the driving seat in your relationship and you seem grateful for any consideration she gives you.

Enjoy what you can from your relationship. Have as much sex as you can. I hope it works out and you are happy. Just evaluate how you are being treated every few months to ensure your girlfriend has completely moved on and is giving you her best. If she has any sense she will appreciate the nice person you seem to be and treat you with the respect you deserve.

Enjoy your relationship and have fun.

girlfriend keeps contact with ex

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